Nichole Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 My first (mature, adult) love moved to Toronto (I'm East Coast) shortly after we broke up. It was a good breakup and a healthy relationship-- the relationship ended due to life events, and because it had run its course. It wasn't long, drawn-out, or dramatic. There were no hard feelings. I was sad for it to end, but my heart wasn't broken because, despite being in love, the breakup felt... right. It took YEARS to fully "get over" him, though-- even though I had come to terms with the relationship itself having run its course, I still found myself thinking about him throughout my next relationship, and often comparing. The second relationship was not a healthy one, and so maybe the comparisons were a relatively normal thing-- they could have meant no more than a way for myself to work through why I was unhappy. I don't think they necessarily mean I was still missing my old relationship, per se. The unhappy, unhealthy relationship is over. I'm unattached, and so is the first love. We've seen each other only a handful of times in person since breaking up, and always briefly, always for coffee at the airport. The last time was about two months ago. It wasn't uncomfortable- it honestly felt like meeting an old friend. He owns property back here, and he'll be in the area for about 8 weeks over the holiday period. We've made tentative plans to spend time together doing some of the things we used to enjoy as a couple- group things, like live theatre, and private things, like driving around and looking at the Christmas lights on Christmas Eve. Is this a slippery slope? There's no way to even entertain the thought of a LTR with this person. It's unworkable, not even on the table. I suppose my worry is that spending time together will turn this into a pseudo-relationship for 8 weeks, and I'll end up going through that "getting over" phase, all over again. This worry, though, doesn't change the fact that I still want to spend time with him. Has anyone been in a similar boat? I don't anticipate there will be anything "weird" about spending time together in my case, but I'm really curious to hear your stories about how things felt, after the fact.
aerogurl87 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I think even you can see that if you two go and do the "couple things" over the holidays your setting yourself up for failure and a heart break. If he's going to be in town for the holidays, why don't you just go hang out together with some friends. But I'm telling you once you start doing those "couple things" again, your heart and brain are going to want him all over again. It's like finding a way to finally close Pandora's box, but out of curiosity you take a peek, and guess what happens? Everything in that box comes out all over again.
Author Nichole Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 But I'm telling you once you start doing those "couple things" again, your heart and brain are going to want him all over again. This has occurred to me-- I tell myself that it's not a big concern because all of the reasons we originally broke up-- the reasons we had become different things to each other-- are still in place. I tell myself that knowing and being at terms with the reasons our relationship ended would stop me from even thinking about returning to that place, with him. Perhaps I'm giving my head too much credit, and not enough to my heart!
aerogurl87 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 The fact that your even scared OP about falling back in love with him or having the urge to want to have a relationship with him, should be a big warning to you. Just because your head says something, does not mean your heart will follow. I think you know as well as I do that if you two go out and do all the little things you used to do as a couple it will bring back a flood of memories, and with that flood of memories will come a flood of emotion, and with that flood of emotion will come attachment. Then you'll be heartbroken all over again. Or you could just pay attention to the signs now and try your best to not put yourself in a situation that may trigger such memories, like hanging out with some mutual friends or meeting up for coffee as you've been doing (as that doesn't seem to have been causing any emotional attachment for either of you.)
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