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Can't deal with his past, should I give up?


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Posted

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this post. I've never asked for advice or shared so much personal information like this before but am at a loss and welcome any opinions, even if it's just to tell me not to be so stupid. Sorry it's long.

 

I first met my "boyfriend" in the summer of 2007 and I liked him straight away, but he was with his girlfriend so I thought no more of it other than wishing I could find a guy like that. We saw each other a few more times that year, always in group settings, birthday parties etc but I am a shy person so never really got to know him that well.

 

Early the next year, he got engaged. I know I should have been happy for him, but I was a bit disappointed as it meant no chance for me (not that I really thought there was) and it didn't help that the friends I was with, who had met her more than once, didn't like his new fiance.

 

Fast forward to the summer and I find out that he and the fiance have broken up but don't know any details. Then after a few more group outings, we started chatting online in November. We got on really well, and would chat for hours. He made it clear that he might like me a little too much.

 

This continued, and we had a few more real life meetings but nothing really progressed there mostly because of the shyness. I was living with my parents at the time and was looking for somewhere to go. He invited me to move into his spare room, not really being serious, but eventually that is what happened. I know that probably sounds like a bad idea but we were chatting every evening and weekends and really wanted to spend some more time together in person.

 

I moved in at the start of May, with the plan of just see what happens. If it didn't work out, I could move back to my parents, or look for somewhere else. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. We had become a LOT more flirty in our chats and so I was very excited to see if this could be the start of something great. So after I moved in, things were good, we still liked each other, but decided to take it very slow.

 

A big part of this, is that I was never comfortable with his ex-fiance. He assured me it was completely over and that he didn't want her back. She dumped him saying she didn't love him anymore. He told me that she'd wanted to get back together in November but he told her no and a big part of that was because he had started chatting to me, and I reminded him of the way things should be rather then the strained way things were with her. He was still talking to her occasionally at this point, just as friends but it bothered me, so he chose to stop (I wanted him to do what was right for him). At least that is what he told me. I doubted it and was proved right although he claims it was mostly one-sided from her.

 

Things continued, but I was always insecure with this past relationship, and the one before that which I won't go into here, but made me realize we have some different values. I told him I needed to feel special to get over this but it just wasn't happening. I wanted to feel wanted, but he said he had a low sex drive and it took me a long time not to take that personally although I think I'm over it now.

 

A while ago, I accidentally stumbled across some explicit photos and videos that the ex-fiance had sent him. This wasn't a big deal but some of the stuff was from before they had even met in person. I found out later that they got to know each other on myspace and then met up later - in a hotel room. I'm not the type of girl that would do that and I'm not happy that he would fall for one that would (I don't mean to sound judging, I just want to be with someone with similar opinions to me).

 

Because I had trouble trusting I did a stupid thing yesterday, which I'm not proud of, and snooped on his computer. I found old chat transcripts with the ex-fiance. It quickly became very clear that things were not over in the summer. They planned to meet up earlier this year, before I had moved in and there were some very explicit and excited descriptions of what was going to happen at that meeting :eek: I felt sick reading that and it didn't help that he had also been chatting to me at the same time. This was after he had been telling me it was over between them and that I was the only one he was interested in although we weren't properly together at that point.

 

Now I really don't know what to do. I have fallen for him, but don't know if I can trust him. He was so sad yesterday, telling me he doesn't want to lose me and sorry and that he didn't tell me because he was ashamed and that the hook-up gave him the closure he needed in order to move on. He says he wants to be with me, and that he is serious. I have told him that I'm not happy being second best, and that I need to feel loved. He tells me I'm not second best, but that he doesn't love me - but thinks he will one day if I am patient. I don't really understand this. Isn't "really liking" someone 2nd to loving them and wanting to marry them? I don't want to push things but he knows me so well already and we have spent so much time together over the past year (more than he has spent with anyone else he says) and so I feel that if he was ever going to love me, he already would? I ask him what he wants and all he says is me, and that there's nothing I can do to make him like more.

 

I do believe things are over with the ex-fiance, but he will always have the memories and I don't know if I can compare. He says there's no competition because I have already won but it's just hard to believe. I also think I now know more than anyone should about their partner's previous sex life. I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me feel :sick:

 

There are other problems too. He is obese, and I'm a bit of a health freak and don't find it physically attractive. He says he wants to lose weight but resists any form of exercise which is frustrating to me and worry about his health.

 

Can anyone offer me any advice? I realize a lot of this is mostly retroactive jealously. I had trouble with it early on but now everything I know just won't leave my brain. I can't see a happy resolution to the problem. Although sometimes things are fantastic, I also get very upset a lot of the time, feeling unloved, that he will never want me as much as he wanted her. He sees all this and I know it isn't good for our relationship. I've thought about giving up and trying to just be friends, or moving out for a clean break (I don't want this) but I don't know if we can and living together things would be awkward...

 

Thank you.

Posted

Just as an aside.

 

I would have your bf visit an endocrinologist. Have them do a complete blood work on him, including (and most especially) his testosterone levels. He may have to argue with the doctor some to get him to do it, but if for nothing else than piece of mind.

 

I know a guy I have been friends with since college and he had similar issues. Low sex drive, usually couldnt do it more than once in a night, and always carried too much flab like a girl. He asked me to help him start working out and we changed his diet, got him on an exercise program, but notcied he didnt seem to be developing like he should, Also had a tougher time than most progressing and recovering. Had him go to the doctor and he found out that his testosterone leveles were below even the minimum. Not just low but realy low. Probably had been most of his life. The doctors now supplement him. Its rare but it happens.

 

He is a completely different guy know.

 

Or your bf might just be fat , lazy and undisciplined.

 

That said

 

You wanted a peek into his private life and you got it. People always want to know what thye cant handle.

 

My gf did something similar to me. Im not very computer literate. or very good at where files are stored etc. And that desktop in particular is one I think I had for some 5-6 years, so there was a lot of crap from before I met her.

 

And it wasnt anything I said or sent that pissed her off. Well except one pic some girl took of me, she said she wanted for her screen saver, but it wasnt a dirty pic, just me in jeans with no shirt on standing up lol

 

Now I remember why It pissed her off so much. The girl (someone i dated irl) had actually used it as an avatar somewhere and that pissed her off. She would not only rifle through my crap, but google the girls I had dated as well and check their stuff out. Like as if some girl had your screen name here and was reading through your relationship posts, and if I was the one they were talking about, even if it was way before , OMFG

 

But the pics were the worst. Now all she would do in her head is compare herself to those other girls. And the things they wrote were pretty bad too. If youre like her you are never going to get over it. A few things for the future.

 

1)If you date someone who just left a serious relationship, expecting they will never talk to their ex, you are deluding yourself. Having expected him not to have contact with her when you guys were just meeting is pretty silly. If he still is, wasnt clear from your post, then thats an issue. If not it would have taken some time before he could transfer those feelings to you. And eys those convos arent going to be what youd ever want to hear.

 

2)Girls sleep with and sent pics etc to guys they want to like them. Its what women do.Even when they have never been solicited.

 

3)Other people often like some really strange stuff when it comes to sex. Ive never developed any kinks or fetishes. If a beautiful woman said right now Ill be your sex slave for the week. Ill do whatever you want without question or complaint. It would really be pretty standard fare. Women though are way kinkier than men, or at least me.

 

Ironically my ex gf found an email with the whole hotel thing as well. I had met a woman at a conference, there was attraction etc, and we spoke for a few weeks. She flew into the area and we were going spend the weekend in NYC. She had this whole fantasy thing about me coming into her hotel room, not saying a word to her, and just having sex with her. And put it all in some correspondence my gf found.

 

I mean cmon that is such a chick fantasy. What guy would ever think of it? Its not something I would of ever thought of to be truthful or really wanted, but it wasnt like we were kids, we were going to have sex anyway, if thats how she wanted it fine.

 

But not to my ex

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the response.

 

Or your bf might just be fat , lazy and undisciplined.
I think it's this although I will pass on your suggestion - don't think he'll like it.

 

I never asked, or expected him not to talk to the ex. All I wanted was honesty and he has stressed this several times as being very important to him. Guess it doesn't work both ways... He said it was the best thing for him since she was so volatile and he didn't want to make the same mistakes with me that he made with her (it seems staying in touch with the previous girl was an issue for the ex-fiance too)

 

Girls sleep with and sent pics etc to guys they want to like them. Its what women do.Even when they have never been solicited.
Not all girls do this.

 

If youre like her you are never going to get over it
That's what I'm afraid of.
  • Author
Posted

27. You think I'm acting immature?

Posted
27. You think I'm acting immature?

 

 

No.

 

More like were at different points at different times in or lives. Frankly for example an 1nyr old girl, even having gotten a bj once, could be a dealbreaker for her;)

 

Frankly it sounds as if there are enough other issues that you should move on regardless. I never think its a smart pan getting with someone thinking you will change those things you dislike. They almost never do.

 

But that said, I think at some point there has to be some realization of best left alone when it comes to these things. If you are a normal woman with a healthy number of past relationships, how many things have you done that you probably would never want the guy you were with to have intimate details of. Done and said.

Posted

So...I have to ask...and not in an accusatory way, so don't go on the defensive. But what exactly makes you want to be in a relationship with this guy?

 

He is still carrying baggage from his last relationship, he doesn't seem to desire you sexually, and according to you he is obese and you aren't physically attracted to him at all.

 

There's also the possibility that you're a rebound for him, even if not in a sexual way but in an emotional way, since you guys started talking right after the conclusion of his last relationship.

 

Tread lightly when dating someone fresh out of a long term relationship (especially something as serious as an engagement). Chances are, especially if he was the one who got dumped, he's still healing.

  • Author
Posted

Well I have never been engaged before. I really do think I would be less insecure if it was "just" a girlfriend.

 

I want to be in a relationship with him because, despite all the bad points, there are great ones too. He is very kind and caring and I miss him so much whenever we are apart.

 

He is still carrying baggage from his last relationship, he doesn't seem to desire you sexually, and according to you he is obese and you aren't physically attracted to him at all.
I'm just not convinced that he really is carrying baggage. Perhaps I'm being naiive? He strongly denies it, and the problems with his past come from me. He says he hates to think about those times, and doesn't unless I bring it up. Is that just a sign that he isn't over things?

 

I was attracted to him when we first met, and although he's put a bit of weight on since then it's his personality that I love. The sex drive isn't non existent, it's just that I am usually the instigator.

 

I really didn't want to be a rebound and this was a big concern from the start. I was mislead into thinking everything was over in the summer 08. They were bad for a bit before then, but that is when he told me he had accepted it was over. I was told that in November she asked for him back and he said no, and this was offered as proof that he didn't want to be with her anymore, or he would have taken her back. Nothing more than friendship had been mentioned until earlier this year, so 6 months after it ended (what I thought then) and this is after an 18 month relationship, and nothing happened until after I moved in, in May. I suppose this is all pretty much irrelevant seeing I now know that isn't what happened :( but it was never my intention to rush in.

 

Tread lightly when dating someone fresh out of a long term relationship
We have been taking things very, very slowly.

 

He has told me today that he does love me. He just wanted the right time to say it. Now I'm confused all over again.

 

Thank you both for your responses. It does help to talk about things.

Posted

While I believe 100% that he should have been more honest with you, and I do think you were a rebound, and that he has you there as a band-aid to cover up the baggage...

 

You also have to keep in mind that everyone has a past.

As you get older, it's more likely that your SO will have been engaged, married, ect ect.

 

I could be wrong, but it seems that the fact that he's been engaged with someone else bothers you more then the lies and how they hooked up.

  • Author
Posted
I could be wrong, but it seems that the fact that he's been engaged with someone else bothers you more then the lies and how they hooked up.
I guess I'm old fashioned. I think people should date until they find "the one" that they want to spend the rest of their lives with, if that's what they want. So to me, she is already "the one" and I feel like the best I could ever hope for is being equal and I could never eclipse what they had. It's important to me in a relationship that I can feel special, and aiming for equal at best doesn't make me feel that way.

 

I am very bothered about their hookup earlier this year if that's what you meant? I've been looking at some of our conversations from that time, from inbetween his chat with the ex and the actual meet up. Seeing the way he was acting towards me, flirting with compliments and virtual kisses and putting it into context with what I now know was also happening, makes me feel cheated. And stupid for enjoying and believing it.

Posted
I guess I'm old fashioned. I think people should date until they find "the one" that they want to spend the rest of their lives with, if that's what they want. So to me, she is already "the one" and I feel like the best I could ever hope for is being equal and I could never eclipse what they had. It's important to me in a relationship that I can feel special, and aiming for equal at best doesn't make me feel that way.

 

Or you could look at it as she was the one for him at that time. Sometimes things change, feelings change, our wants and needs change. Sometimes it can't be helped.

 

If you can't handle his past, then he's not right for you, and you should try to find someone who shares the similar old fashion views. Although, I do think as you get older, you'll find it hard to find someone who hasn't had 'that special person' in their life yet.

 

I am very bothered about their hookup earlier this year if that's what you meant? I've been looking at some of our conversations from that time, from inbetween his chat with the ex and the actual meet up. Seeing the way he was acting towards me, flirting with compliments and virtual kisses and putting it into context with what I now know was also happening, makes me feel cheated. And stupid for enjoying and believing it.

 

Obviously you felt something was amiss before snooping. This is why it's better to communicate and let him tell you in his own way. Although, some may disagree with me, it doesn't sound like you were in an established relationship with him. Also, given that you have some old fashion views, I find it odd that you moved in with him like that and considered it a relationship.

  • Author
Posted
I do think as you get older, you'll find it hard to find someone who hasn't had 'that special person' in their life yet.
I know you're right and that is partly why it's hard for me to let go. Despite my complaining, he is a great guy and have a lot of fun together. I'm scared to give up and then repeat the same thing with someone else or end up alone.

 

Obviously you felt something was amiss before snooping. This is why it's better to communicate and let him tell you in his own way.
I didn't want to snoop. I have tried to talk to him, but thinking about the past upsets him and it makes it hard for me because for some reason I feel I need a basic idea of what happened. I didn't want the gory details, but it seems it was all or nothing. He tells me he doesn't want what he had. He doesn't think about the past and so I shouldn't either.

 

it doesn't sound like you were in an established relationship with him.
Do you mean when he met up with the ex? If so, you're right, it wasn't an established relationship. It was just the promise of one. He had made it clear that he liked me and wanted to be more than friends. He didn't cheat on me but I do still feel betrayed and just wish he had been honest.

 

I find it odd that you moved in with him like that and considered it a relationship.
I'm not sure what you mean by this? I moved in because I needed somewhere to live and wanted to get to know him better in person. We were already spending all our free time together chatting online. It wasn't a relationship from the start. I didn't mean to convey that.
Posted
I know you're right and that is partly why it's hard for me to let go. Despite my complaining, he is a great guy and have a lot of fun together. I'm scared to give up and then repeat the same thing with someone else or end up alone.

 

It's a part of dating though. Don't stay with someone just to stay with someone. It's not fair to you or him.

 

I didn't want to snoop. I have tried to talk to him, but thinking about the past upsets him and it makes it hard for me because for some reason I feel I need a basic idea of what happened. I didn't want the gory details, but it seems it was all or nothing. He tells me he doesn't want what he had. He doesn't think about the past and so I shouldn't either.

 

If you didn't want to, then you shouldn't have. Some people aren't comfortable talking about their pasts. You weren't in an exclusive relationship with him, sounds like you were just his roommate, so it wasn't really your business.

 

Do you mean when he met up with the ex? If so, you're right, it wasn't an established relationship. It was just the promise of one. He had made it clear that he liked me and wanted to be more than friends. He didn't cheat on me but I do still feel betrayed and just wish he had been honest.

 

He was allowed to do as he pleased. Perhaps he led you on promising a relationship, but I think you saw some red flags with how it was all going down. People generally don't move in together and then date.

 

It also sounds like he was trying to tell you he wasn't ready for a relationship. Sounds like he was dealing with his baggage.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this? I moved in because I needed somewhere to live and wanted to get to know him better in person. We were already spending all our free time together chatting online. It wasn't a relationship from the start. I didn't mean to convey that.

 

You could have gotten to know him better in person without moving in with him. You say you have old fashion views, but is this the old fashion way to start dating someone?

Posted

I'm also a firm believer, in that, if you can't handle someone having a past, don't go looking for answers. It's like the discussion of "how many people have you slept with". Be prepared to deal with the response.

 

You didn't want the details, but you went snooping for them.

 

JMO

  • Author
Posted
You weren't in an exclusive relationship with him, sounds like you were just his roommate, so it wasn't really your business.
Yes I am and no I'm not. This was only yesterday.

 

It also sounds like he was trying to tell you he wasn't ready for a relationship. Sounds like he was dealing with his baggage.
How was he trying to tell me? I don't understand.

 

You could have gotten to know him better in person without moving in with him.
Yes, this would have been better, but there was a distance factor and we were spending so much virtual time together it isn't surprising we wanted more.

 

I'm not all that old fashioned. I guess all I meant before is that I'm a hopeless romantic :love:

 

You didn't want the details, but you went snooping for them.
I didn't want the details, I just wanted an outline. I wanted to know where I stood. I suppose he had been telling me it was over but just failed to convince me (he failed to convince the ex too and gives this as one reason for the proposal, as a sign of commitment, since he isn't that bothered about marriage as such) and so I wanted proof. I honestly wasn't expecting to find what I did, and if hadn't then I would have been happy. I'd have confessed what I'd done and that wouldn't have been a problem for him. I'd have been more secure in our relationship and things would be very different now.
Posted

Sorry, but I don't believe you should have went snooping if you can't handle what you found. Especially since the guy didn't even do anything since you got into a relationship with him.

 

Obviously he wasn't ready before and was trying to tell you so but 'promising' a relationship.

 

One doesn't go moving in with someone to get to know them. That is what dating is for. Living together comes later.

 

Really though, it's not even the point anymore.

 

You either have to accept it or move on. I don't see what he has to prove to you since he didn't cheat on you. I don't believe a person is obligated to give out the details of their past sex life more then just being honest about testing for STDs and such. You wanted to know something, you found out, and you can't handle it. Now it is up to you to decide what to do.

  • Author
Posted
One doesn't go moving in with someone to get to know them. That is what dating is for. Living together comes later.
Well that is what we did and even though it's unconventional I don't regret that decision. I think if we had dated, I would have only seen him at weekends, and spent the rest of my time staring at the computer. That wouldn't have made me happy. I don't think the problems in the relationship are due to the living situation.

 

Obviously he wasn't ready before and was trying to tell you so but 'promising' a relationship.
It's interesting you see it that way, but I think that's down to my bad explaining rather than what things were actually like. He didn't say "I like you but I'm not ready, maybe one day we can have a relationship." It was more along the lines of "I like you, you're amazing, things are definitely over with my ex."

 

I don't see what he has to prove to you since he didn't cheat on you.

He lied to me. I think I have a right to know when the relationship before me ended, especially such a serious one. I never wanted to know intimate details.
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