Red flags in online dating

[JellyTot]

As you may know from previous threads, I've been looking into online dating. I've been contacted by a few guys, but I'm not sure if I'm judging them too harshly for minor things.

 

For example, one guy who looked attractive and otherwise sounded nice wrote at the beginning of his profile "If you have kids don't bother contacting me. No swingers or mingers. No photo no gogo." Now call me dumb if you like, but he already stated in his multiple choice preferences that he wanted a woman with no kids, so did he really need to state it again so harshly? If someone is unattractive or has no photo, or is otherwise unsuitable, surely it's just as easy to click the "No thanks" button or reply to the email with a "thanks but no thanks", rather than writing something so obviously shallow and judging in his profile. I've seen a lot of profiles like this which clearly state "No fatties", "No baggage please", "Only attractive women size 8 or less need apply", and so on. Even if I conform to what they want and they seem otherwise nice, I don't contact them because they wrote this sort of thing in their profile. Am I wrong to be put off by this?

 

The other major thing that's putting me off guys is if they seem kinda pushy. One guy emailed me, and emailed me again the following day, and emailed me again the next day with the subject "Hey why u not replied yet?" Another guy poked me, and I clicked no thanks because he wasn't my type, so he emailed me to say "no fair, why didn't you give me a chance, I'm a nice guy, please please reply." Am I wrong to be put off by this?

 

I'm also majorly put off by text speak, like "Wot u fink ov my fotos?" or dropping the g from the end of words, and so on. Another things that puts me off is if they say they like drinking - what sort of person puts alcohol as a hobby?!

 

For those who have experience of online dating, what are the major red flags I should be looking for? What do you think is reasonable and unreasonable to judge a person on? Am I being unreasonable?

Edited November 22, 2009 by JellyTot

[Boundary Problem]

With online dating - I found it to be a huge waste of time.

 

But some people have found it worked out for them if they played the numbers (did a large number of first dates). I never had the patience.

 

I recommend meeting for a cup of coffee as soon as possible or else you waste weeks emailing with someone you have never met, you meet them and then you go ugh. So meet them. Chemistry is such a difficult thing. If it isn't there, then you know not to waste weeks emailing with a strangers whose profile is on an online dating site.

 

By the way, there are tons of guys at the gym. If you figure out when the professional guys are working out after work - your cup will runneth over. I'm shocked at what a meat market these gyms are. Nice people too. They aren't sitting on the couch watching tv. If you look good, they will hit on you.

[Thornton]

Poor grammar or spelling would turn me off too, mostly because I'd assume it indicated a lack of intelligence and a lack of effort to write properly to impress a potential date. But the pushy guys just sound keen, they must have really liked your profile to continue pestering you even after you said no!

 

I'm not sure what I think of people who make comments like no fat girls or whatever. On the one hand it seems rather rude and shallow, but on the other hand maybe they're sick of reponding to unsuitable girls and want to clarify what they're looking for. It seems that in online dating, expressing a preference is considered to be tantamount to prejudice. If you say you prefer white people, you're racist. If you set an age limit, you're ageist. If you say no fat girls, you're fattist. If you say no children, you're... umm... child-ist?

 

I tried dating sites previously, and although I have a sexual preference for white men I didn't dare select that as a preference in case it made me sound racist, I just said no to any non-white men who emailed me. My friend likes Asian girls, but he thinks if he emails them and they see that preference on his profile then they won't date him because they'll think he has an Asian fetish. This politically correct world is a bit sad when we feel we can't be honest about our preferences because we're worried about appearing prejudiced.

[Toki]

I had some luck, but when I'd meet them face to face, I found these girls to be mind-numbingly boring, and their pictures to be totally misleading.

 

"So you're twenty-one, huh?", "oh, yeah...", "ten years ago?"

[tami-chan]

I had some luck, but when I'd meet them face to face, I found these girls to be mind-numbingly boring, and their pictures to be totally misleading.

 

"So you're twenty-one, huh?", "oh, yeah...", "ten years ago?"

 

LOL..toki...that's funny!

[looking4 green grass]

Well I haven't had such tragic luck as you seem to have so far in online dating JellyTot. But then again, I'm just now getting to the lining up first dates part. I am one of those people who plan to go on TONS of first dates. I've talked to one guy on the phone and he sounds totally normal, he has normal hobbies, etc.

 

All the things you mention though would put me off as well. Bad grammar....ugh. And Alcohol as a hobby? Really? I guess if I drank a lot I'd find it cool.

 

I'm on eHarmony (not sure what site you are on) and I was able to select my education preference which weeds out the majority of the bad grammar/over the top horrible profiles I think b/c I haven't really gotten matched with anyone who has less than a Master's.

 

I'll let you know if it gets better or worse after I meet these people!! lol

[carhill]

So, pick any one of my 12,000+ posts and guess how much college education I've had and what degrees I possess

 

OP, when you meet people online, whether here on LS or on a dating site, you'll meet the same myriad of personalities, relationship styles, and baggage containers that you meet in 'real life'. It just gets reduced to pictures and text.

 

Men are pushy because we are socialized to be competitive and aggressive. We don't take no for an answer because we know some other guy won't and he'll get what we want and we hate to lose. That's the kind of man women historically have proven they want as a mate. We aim to please.

 

Enjoy

[jerseyboy]

I can completely empathize with why he stressesd it.

 

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIE

 

Or just as bad, think that they will talk you out of it, if you "just get a chance to know them"

 

By stressing it in an obnoxious way, you essentially filter most of those who would be tempted to do so. As in this is really important to me, you will obviously have been deceiving me if you respond, and IM not changing my mind.

[jerseyboy]

So, pick any one of my 12,000+ posts and guess how much college education I've had and what degrees I possess

 

OP, when you meet people online, whether here on LS or on a dating site, you'll meet the same myriad of personalities, relationship styles, and baggage containers that you meet in 'real life'. It just gets reduced to pictures and text.

 

Men are pushy because we are socialized to be competitive and aggressive. We don't take no for an answer because we know some other guy won't and he'll get what we want and we hate to lose. That's the kind of man women historically have proven they want as a mate. We aim to please.

 

Enjoy

 

 

The women on those sites are just as pushy and obnoxious. Worse Id claim because women are far less accustomed to rejection.

 

I could of dealt with some of the rest ,but that is what did it for me. Just wasnt worth the aggravation and time

[carhill]

That all makes sense, but does having a bunker mentality about the dating process portend to a positive environment in which to grow a relationship?

 

"If you have kids don't bother contacting me. No swingers or mingers. No photo no gogo.

 

I mean, really? I had to look 'minger' up in an online 'urban' dictionary. Why didn't he just say 'ugly'?

[jerseyboy]

That all makes sense, but does having a bunker mentality about the dating process portend to a positive environment in which to grow a relationship?

 

 

 

I mean, really? I had to look 'minger' up in an online 'urban' dictionary. Why didn't he just say 'ugly'?

 

 

I didnt know what it meant either lol. But on consideration, it does seem nicer than saying dont be ugly.

 

If you meet enough of these people, have to go through the whole "its me, not you" speech often enough because they misrepresented themselves visually or otherwise, I totally get it.

 

 

Also listing yourself as average when you weight 200lbs and are 5'2ft should carry at least a court ordered fine.

[thegreatmoose]

Men are pushy because we are socialized to be competitive and aggressive. We don't take no for an answer because we know some other guy won't and he'll get what we want and we hate to lose. That's the kind of man women historically have proven they want as a mate. We aim to please.

 

Enjoy

When a woman says "no" she doesn't want to date me, that means "no". I can only imagine what would happen if I would try to contact her in any way ever again.

[carhill]

I agree but life has shown me that truly successful men don't operate that way. Conversely, it is such men who are the most attractive to women and are less likely to be told 'no'. Interesting

[jerseyboy]

I know more than a few women married to guys they refused to date for quite a while.

 

I think the persistence wins some of them over lol

[Thornton]

I still think that if a woman has looked at your profile and photos, assessed you and decided she doesn't want to date you, you don't have much chance of changing her mind. Perhaps if you knew her in person you could be a little bit pushy and charming, and maybe you could convince her, but you can't do that online. She probably looked at you and decided too old/too ugly/has kids/is divorced, or whatever other simple reasons people have for filtering/rejecting other people on dating sites. You don't really have any way of countering that kind of judgement in an online environment. I tried online dating before, and no matter how much people pestered me, there was no way I was going to date them if they were several years out of my age range or had kids or whatever.

[thegreatmoose]

I know more than a few women married to guys they refused to date for quite a while.

 

I think the persistence wins some of them over lol

How did the guys do that? That is really amazing.

[carhill]

How did the guys do that? That is really amazing.

It's actually pretty simple. They were married to someone else.

[jerseyboy]

How did the guys do that? That is really amazing.

 

 

LOL

 

I dont know Im way to vain to deal with that much rejection lol

 

But as an example, a former coworker of mine had some guy chase her for three years before she dated him. Not to say he was there every day, but was always making contact during that time, dropping gifts off etc,. They knew each toehr from somewhere, and I suppose they knew each other well enough that she was never frightened by his behavior, more uncomfortable and annoyed by it.

 

When they finally started dating they were married within a year. Perhaps not even that long. Whatever lack of attraction she had was eventually somewhat balanced I suppose by the fact that she felt hed stick around:)

 

And Im sure she began to appreicate other things about him, and was more willing to comprimise after some poor dating/relationship experiences.

[thegreatmoose]

LOL

 

I dont know Im way to vain to deal with that much rejection lol

 

But as an example, a former coworker of mine had some guy chase her for three years before she dated him. Not to say he was there every day, but was always making contact during that time, dropping gifts off etc,. They knew each toehr from somewhere, and I suppose they knew each other well enough that she was never frightened by his behavior, more uncomfortable and annoyed by it.

 

When they finally started dating they were married within a year. Perhaps not even that long. Whatever lack of attraction she had was eventually somewhat balanced I suppose by the fact that she felt hed stick around:)

 

And Im sure she began to appreicate other things about him, and was more willing to comprimise after some poor dating/relationship experiences.

I couldn't take that much rejection either.

 

I wonder if it's just a skill some people have and some don't. If I tried anything close, at best I'd frighten her away. I'm about the worst there is at turning a "no" into a "yes". I'd think someone would need to be an expert at that. I wonder how important this skill is to most women.

[jerseyboy]

I couldn't take that much rejection either.

 

I wonder if it's just a skill some people have and some don't. If I tried anything close, at best I'd frighten her away. I'm about the worst there is at turning a "no" into a "yes". I'd think someone would need to be an expert at that. I wonder how important this skill is to most women.

 

 

Works with guys as well

 

Im sitting her typing, but have been thinking of the same thing all day.

 

Had a work related event this morning. I was obligated to attend, but find them somewhat uncomfortable because its a bring the wife and kids type of event. You dont realy show up uncoupled.

 

So Im getting ready, doorbell rings, and a woman Ive dated on and off is there, ready to go. I never invited her, although I told her it was happening. We never even discussed her going, I would of felt guilty about asking her. Imposing while not really sure what if anything I want from her.

 

But she shows up, dressed lovely. and was amazing the entire time. She is a charming person. And I dont know, but just the fact that she anticipated what I needed the way she did, without my even asking, and did that.........

 

Well, you get the idea

[BlueHarvest]

For example, one guy who looked attractive and otherwise sounded nice wrote at the beginning of his profile "If you have kids don't bother contacting me. No swingers or mingers. No photo no gogo." Now call me dumb if you like, but he already stated in his multiple choice preferences that he wanted a woman with no kids, so did he really need to state it again so harshly? If someone is unattractive or has no photo, or is otherwise unsuitable, surely it's just as easy to click the "No thanks" button or reply to the email with a "thanks but no thanks", rather than writing something so obviously shallow and judging in his profile. I've seen a lot of profiles like this which clearly state "No fatties", "No baggage please", "Only attractive women size 8 or less need apply", and so on. Even if I conform to what they want and they seem otherwise nice, I don't contact them because they wrote this sort of thing in their profile. Am I wrong to be put off by this?

 

It's straight foward and to the point. I'll admit I'm getting slightly annoyed at being decieved. I've pretty much come to understand people will always *overrate* themselves and *underrate* everyone else. Girls who claim to be 'average' tend to be 'curvy' and girls who are 'curvy' tend to be....well "fat".

 

Also, I believe someone mentioned, if you see a girl with a face/breasties only shot. (I.e. the top down cleavage shot) chances are she is a large one. I'm 3/3 so far on this. I kid you not. I don't mind curvy girls (which is what their profile states) but these girls were far from curvy...

 

 

The other major thing that's putting me off guys is if they seem kinda pushy. One guy emailed me, and emailed me again the following day, and emailed me again the next day with the subject "Hey why u not replied yet?" Another guy poked me, and I clicked no thanks because he wasn't my type, so he emailed me to say "no fair, why didn't you give me a chance, I'm a nice guy, please please reply." Am I wrong to be put off by this?

 

Persistance is somewhat good. Constant beration however isn't. If it were me, I'd message. Wait a few days. If no response. Message one more time, but I NEVER EVER say anything like "why you not reply?" or anything of the sort. I say a little about myself, I ask questions to which I hope to really engage them in an online conversation and get to know them. If they still dont respond I write them off and move on. Sorry, I'm not going to be there to feed the ego of these girls who like getting messages but wont respond. I got better things to do wtih my time.

 

I'm also majorly put off by text speak, like "Wot u fink ov my fotos?" or dropping the g from the end of words, and so on. Another things that puts me off is if they say they like drinking - what sort of person puts alcohol as a hobby?!

 

Agree completely here. "leetspeak" "textspeak" and lack of good punctuation, spelling, and grammar are turn offs. If it's a single mistake, I can deal with it. If it's the occasional "lol" "lmao" or what-not that's fine. (in fact studies have shown that "lol" can help relax a conversation online). But none of the "i hop u r doing good? wut do you like 2 do?" Ugh...

[Ody]

Putting "no whatever" in your profile is foolish for either gender because all it does is increase your chances of showing up as a result for people who search for "whatever". The jagoffs off the site aren't going to pay attention to such disclaimers anyway, especially the men writing women.

 

That guy putting "no kids" in his profile just draws more women to his profile who searched for "wants kids" or "raise kids". Likewise consider "no tattoos". Who do you think is typing "tattoos" into the search box? Well, all the people with tattoos, that's who. And do you really think Mr. Johnny "I just look at the pictures" Ink is going to refrain from writing "hey baby wanna cyber" or whatever after he took all the trouble to run a search and then sees some hot pictures? No, in fact he's probably didn't even read that far into the profile past the pictures. And it just makes life that much tougher for those tattooed folks and wannabee parents who actually read the whole profiles and act accordingly, because you just wasted 60 seconds of their time. The people who read the profiles can also read between the lines, so there's really no need for those kind of disclaimers.

 

Those idiots who write meaningless disclaimers like "no douchebags" or "no one just looking for hookups" are even worse. Who really sees themself as a douchebag? And if someone is looking for a hookup, do you think they really give a s**t if you say you don't want that? All they care about is how you look.

 

As far as the needless harsh warnings, women's profiles are even more full of them than men's, because they recieve exponentially more douchebag mail.

[SoulSearch_CO]

LMFAO. I'd say your standards are pretty solid. I totally agree with everything you said in the OP.

[Ody]

The other major thing that's putting me off guys is if they seem kinda pushy. One guy emailed me, and emailed me again the following day, and emailed me again the next day with the subject "Hey why u not replied yet?" Another guy poked me, and I clicked no thanks because he wasn't my type, so he emailed me to say "no fair, why didn't you give me a chance, I'm a nice guy, please please reply." Am I wrong to be put off by this?

 

LOL yeah these guys sounds like losers. Don't be put off by it though, women have to deal with annoying mails and men have to deal with annoying no-replies, it's just the nature of the ride and you have to play or get off.

 

Another things that puts me off is if they say they like drinking - what sort of person puts alcohol as a hobby?!

 

The type of person who is not looking to waste your time if your idea of a stiff drink is an amaretto sour, or if you avoid reading Hemingway because you don't approve of his personal life. I actually see how this is quite relevant to list on a profile, although yes I would be a bit put off as well if I saw it listed as a "hobby".

 

 

PS to the OP, I tossed around the word "you" alot in those posts, wasn't referring to you in particular sorry if it reads that way.

[justforfun]

If someone did that to me I would have called the police. That gives me the creeps just reading. And scares me to think that could possibly happen to me!!!!

 

 

Turning up, dressed up for an event that I hadn't invited him to and had only mentioned to him in passing.....aaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

 

Works with guys as well

 

Im sitting her typing, but have been thinking of the same thing all day.

 

Had a work related event this morning. I was obligated to attend, but find them somewhat uncomfortable because its a bring the wife and kids type of event. You dont realy show up uncoupled.

 

So Im getting ready, doorbell rings, and a woman Ive dated on and off is there, ready to go. I never invited her, although I told her it was happening. We never even discussed her going, I would of felt guilty about asking her. Imposing while not really sure what if anything I want from her.

 

But she shows up, dressed lovely. and was amazing the entire time. She is a charming person. And I dont know, but just the fact that she anticipated what I needed the way she did, without my even asking, and did that.........

 

Well, you get the idea