mikeyboy Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I originally met my girlfriend online a few years back (she is 6yrs older). She had recently left a long-term (8yrs) relationship after having a fling with her boss and her ex flipped. To this day she is still unsure why she did it. As she lived in a small town it was virtually impossible to go anywhere or do anything without bumping into one of them or someone with an opinion. She lived alone for a while and took on a second job to pay the bills. I on the other hand was in the middle of a career break having pretty much worn myself out mentally, going straight through school, college, uni and completing a 5yr stint in my job with virtually no break. During this time, she drove down to meet me and we spent a xmas together. She subsequently moved from the north to the south to live with me. Things were great. It's my first proper long-standing relationship and although she panic-drunk quite a bit when introduced to some of my friends, there was no sign of any major problem. To be fair, when i went up north to meet her friends i drank quite a bit the first night, as i've noticed you generally drink more when either nervous or outside the clique of conversation. Over the coming months she found a job down here and i went to work for a small company, feeling that as a couple (2 incomes) there was less of an onus on me to slave away in a higher-paid job. When the recession hit i ended up having to leave there and went back to my old job. As the money was higher and my gf was struggling with her personal finances, i took on all the household bills to give her chance to get out of debt and rebuild savings etc. She drank, but not much and not every day. Initially her job involved call-center work, which would lead to her being angry when she got home and despite a move to an admin role where she seemed alot happier, she continued to have aggravated outbursts at home for things which happened at work. At this point her working day was quite long as it involved dropping me off, going to work and then circling back to pick me up before going home. In some cases i'd get a late shift and not have any other means of getting home, so she'd go home for an hour or so and then have to come back out to collect me. Not the easiest of situations, but as i was being paid enough money to cover bills etc. it went on. At this point my partner was drinking between 2 and 4 beers a night. Earlier this year i got an opportunity to move work sites which meant my partner wouldn't need to worry about taking/fetching me. It was a much greater responsibility at work and subsequently more pressure involved. Thinking that i'd be stronger being able to come home to a partner rather than an empty house and knowing she would have less stress due to less travelling, i snapped up the job. She also moved roles due to down-sizing of one contract and an opening in another. 18months on and i'm still paying all the bills. No sign of her balance increasing. At present it costs all of my monthly wage, plus some of my savings to cover the bills, leaving me with a negative amount of disposable income. She on the other hand continues to have poor control of her finances, yet manages to afford around £40/wk of alcohol amongst the shopping and a few nights out of beer+taxi. The fact that she now gets home earlier means she starts drinking sooner and by the time i get home from work, she is often already slurring. She's escalated to around 7+ beers per night and can mix wine in quite easily over a week. Astonishingly if she goes to a pub, when she returns "i'm just going to have a beer to calm down from being in the pub". She will carry on drinking even if she has already admitted being drunk. If she is feeling unwell and either stays off work or is unable to do much but sleep, she will still do the ritual evening of beer. Amongst all this i get a regular verbal battering (often slurred) which is later palmed off as "i was drunk" or "i must have been talking in my sleep". She seems to be spend all the time she is at home sat in a chair playing a game on her laptop and is practically oblivious of my existance, except to rant at me. Literally if it involves movement un-related to beer, its me who does it i.e. housework. I recently spent a few days in hospital on the neuro ward due to problems with my nerve system. She visited me, but would sit there twitching due to not liking hospitals and wanting to get home to see the cat. Seems what she actually did was go to the pub because "she'd" had a stressful day ... Whilst her working week is mon-fri, mine can vary. This weekend we were both of Sat/Sun. On saturday she eventually got up and did the whole "im not really awake so cant hold a conversation" thing which is normal. Within an hour though she was fully dressed and heading out the door to go for a walk. Later at night she reappeared drunk having been to the pub and also informing me that a friend was going to take her to a park on sunday. Sunday same not really awake thing after getting up and again within an hour ready to go out, with the promise of seeing me in the afternoon. 5pm and drunkenly stumbling in through the door ... yes pub again. So despite having 2 days off, she's been sober for a grand total of 2 hours with me. She will verbally admit she 'probably' drinks too much, but refuses to class it as being an alcoholic. As with all true alcoholics i realise they have to deal with it themselves but as there is no sign of this happening, i'm pretty much at the end of my tether. I've been told its obvious that she won't end the relationship because, at present she is not paying any bills and still living the life of riley. A therapist has also suggested that its because i'm supposed to end it so she can feel like the victim after the reverse was the case in her last relationship. So this is the problem... what the heck do i do? I no longer truly recognise the girl i fell in love with, but i'm pretty sure she's still in there somewhere. As she moved in with me, how do i deal with it as simply ending the relationship does not mean she will suddenly stop wrecking the flat, getting drunk and start paying bills etc. If this goes on much longer i am going to have a total meltdown and probably lose my job, flat and everything else i've worked so damned hard for. I'm currently angry and upset as i type this. Maybe i'll actually post it somewhere at some point and see if anyone suggests anything.
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Kick her out and change the locks. If you can't afford the flat alone, stay with family or friends or get a roommate. I'll bet you'll find she'll have no problem living somewhere else. It's probably been on her mind for sometime now.... My stbx was always seeming to be broke and complaining about sharing our bills but funnily enough she has no trouble affording her own house now. It's not about the money
Lucky_One Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 She's not going anywhere. You rescued her from a bad situation (that she made herself, btw), and you really didn't know her. You say that you believe that the girl you fell in love with is in her somewhere. I actually would venture to say that you now are seeing the actual girl that she really is, and that you never saw the "real" her at all when you fell in love. You fell in love with the illusion of a girl, you fell in love with love, you fell in love with a damsel in distress. Carhill probably has the right idea - change the locks and kick her out. I, personally, am never that decisive and quick to act - I am a wuss. I would sit her down and talk to her. The alcohol abuse has to stop. The wasting of money on pub hopping has to stop. She must take an active part in household bills and chores. Period. Immediately. And there need to be clear repercussions for her not doing those things. Personally, I think she's having an affair. Classic behavior for that. Do you go down and hang out at this pub? When she's there in the evening, do you ever just pop around for a pint and see what she's doing or who she's with?
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