GiveAndTake Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 My boyfriend and I have both been married before. Obviously bad marriages (or they wouldn't have ended) The first day I met him, I told him I don't believe in marriage as I have done in all of my relationships since my divorce 14 years ago. He agreed and said he doesn't believe in marriage either.(I've had 2 long term relationships since my divorce. One was 5 years and the other almost 4 years also a couple of other relationships for a few months) I've also never waivered from this feeling of never wanting to marry again during any of those relationships. But now, we are madly in love. We talk about being together forever all the time. We've also both said that we don't think we were really in love until now. I brought up the marriage thing jokingly with him and he did say "I'd marry you if you really wanted to get married but I still don't believe in marriage" This was a couple of months ago. He said he thinks marriage is just a piece of paper and would rather not get married but he would if it really made me happy. I didn't really admit that I want to marry him but I kinda said the same thing he did. I bascially said I wouldn't be scared to marry him (this is a huge statement for me since I divorced 14 years ago). I KNOW he is the one. I cannot believe that I feel this way after being so sure that I'd never marry again but I do want to marry him. Should I bring it up again? Should I marry someone who really doesn't want to get married? I'm asking myself why he doesn't have the same realization as I did and want to get married now. Or, maybe he does and isn't really saying it? I just don't know. Any advice would be helpful.
quankanne Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 this kind of reminds me of my husband when we first met, fresh off his divorce from Wife 2. He swore up and down he'd never marry again because women were evil, and if he was stupid enough to ever consider it, he'd make the woman sign a pre-nup. then we fell in love, and his perception of things changed no pre-nup, no fanfare, just a declaration that he wanted to marry me and that I could decide when and where, he was cool with that. I'm guessing that by his reply ("I'd marry you if you really wanted to get married "), he's given this *some* thought, because if he were completely deadset against it, he wouldn't have offered. And has thrown that other part ("but I still don't believe in marriage") in because it's a belief he's held so long that he might not necessarily still believe in so steadfastly. if you are serious about marriage with this man, what about proposing to him? He may just surprise you! best of luck, q
jerseyboy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Out of curiousity, what is your motivation in wishing it? Besides love, why the change of heart on the institution
Author GiveAndTake Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Out of curiousity, what is your motivation in wishing it? Besides love, why the change of heart on the institution I guess I just am totally sure that he is the one and I want the whole world to know it.
jerseyboy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 kk IN any case, he said hes willing. Guys dont view marriage the same way as women, so dont be put off that he hasnt had a similar epiphany. Even before his experiences, Im sure he wasnt sitting around thinking how wonderful it would be to buy a tux and plan a wedding. Guys do it for the women.
Author GiveAndTake Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 kk IN any case, he said hes willing. Guys dont view marriage the same way as women, so dont be put off that he hasnt had a similar epiphany. Even before his experiences, Im sure he wasnt sitting around thinking how wonderful it would be to buy a tux and plan a wedding. Guys do it for the women. So, you're saying I should tell him that I want to get married?
jerseyboy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 So, you're saying I should tell him that I want to get married? Sure, why not? How you broach and phrase it is up to you. His previous response was positive. It'll definitely make him think about it, especially if you phrase it in a way thinking is what you are asking him to do.
Author GiveAndTake Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 So, this morning, I'm in the kitchen making breakfast and my BF comes in, grabs me and starts dancing with me while humming the Wedding March. I stop him and look at his face and say, uh, honey, that's the wedding march you're humming. Are you hinting to me that you want to marry me? He just laughed and went on dancing. I stopped him again and said, wait. Are you trying to say that you want to marry me? So, he looks back at my face and says, no, why, are you wanting to marry me? I said, well, yes, I would marry you. He again said, I don't want to get married but I'd marry you. We can get married. I said, are you proposing to me? and I laughed. He said, no, I'm not proposing like this in the kitchen while you're making farina. and he laughed. Ok, so, it seemed like a good sign. I'm thinking, maybe he'll propose soon or eventually. Seemed to me he had thought about it and wanted to do it right. But... Later on today, we were talking about it again and he basically said he doesn't want to marry EVER. Now, I'm a little confused and upset a little too. What do you all think?
pandagirl Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Either he is purposely throwing you off by giving you mixed signs OR He really just does not want to get married. Maybe you should tell him he shouldn't joke about it unless he's for real. So, this morning, I'm in the kitchen making breakfast and my BF comes in, grabs me and starts dancing with me while humming the Wedding March. I stop him and look at his face and say, uh, honey, that's the wedding march you're humming. Are you hinting to me that you want to marry me? He just laughed and went on dancing. I stopped him again and said, wait. Are you trying to say that you want to marry me? So, he looks back at my face and says, no, why, are you wanting to marry me? I said, well, yes, I would marry you. He again said, I don't want to get married but I'd marry you. We can get married. I said, are you proposing to me? and I laughed. He said, no, I'm not proposing like this in the kitchen while you're making farina. and he laughed. Ok, so, it seemed like a good sign. I'm thinking, maybe he'll propose soon or eventually. Seemed to me he had thought about it and wanted to do it right. But... Later on today, we were talking about it again and he basically said he doesn't want to marry EVER. Now, I'm a little confused and upset a little too. What do you all think?
MissGoLightly Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Sounds like he doesn't want to get married, but is afraid he might lose you over it.
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Sounds like you called his bluff, now hes backing off. He may still decide otherwise. He wont do it without pressure though
TigerCub Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 He again said, I don't want to get married but I'd marry you. We can get married. I said, are you proposing to me? and I laughed. He said, no, I'm not proposing like this in the kitchen while you're making farina. and he laughed. Ok, so, it seemed like a good sign. I'm thinking, maybe he'll propose soon or eventually. Seemed to me he had thought about it and wanted to do it right. I'm just wondering what from the above gave you the 'good sign' ? he said he doesn't want to get married and that he's not proposing, but he'd pretty much marry you if that's what you wanted, even though its not what he wants. If you guys are together and you're totally happy, I'm just wondering what marriage would change for you? I'm just asking because I've never been married and I don't really believe in marriage, so I'm just curious to understand what the ritual of marriage adds/changes to a relationship that's already happy/solid.
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