Give up sex??

[RobM]

If you're gonna give up sex, give up dating too. There is no way I could get serious about someone without sex. A date or two and enjoy your company, but at some point very quickly when it became apparent there was going to be no sex for a year, that would be the end of it.

 

I guess I agree with most of the advice, figure out what you want first.

[ADF]

I would say they were probably religious or confused about their sexuality. And they'd almost always be female.

[Ms. Joolie]

Guilty!

 

However, if I must add something constructive. I would say that giving up anything flat out is usually a strategy reserved for behaviors that we feel are out of our control. Are you feeling out of control when it comes to sex?

 

Also, I would never go into a relationship, knowing you are not going to have sex for X amount of time, and not eventually communicate that with them. I think it is kind of a game to hold onto that information just to see how they react. Besides the guy that can hear that and stay with you...is into you.

 

Anyways...good luck.

 

No, not out of control when it comes to sex. Just re-evaluating myself before jumping back in the game.

 

Yes, game. haha... well, what else is it. It's life... to be enjoyed and all that, right? It's a game!

 

.... that I take quite seriously. lol

[Ms. Joolie]

I gave up sex after my ex left me 2.5 years ago. Didn't want it at all until recently, and that guy's not interested either. At this point I don't really see it ever happening again, and I miss it, but I'm okay with it. At least I'm not embarrassing myself chasing after it, and I don't miss the headache and heartache!

 

 

Ever happening again? Really?? wow.

 

Well, I'd just be worried of getting to comfortable without it.... I mean, I don't want to be alone.... and that's when I start scaring myself with the visual of a spinster with ten cats.

 

How interesting though. You must be an interesting person then, not going with the flow. Or something like that.

 

.....I think it's past my bedtime.

[Ms. Joolie]

If you're gonna give up sex, give up dating too. There is no way I could get serious about someone without sex. A date or two and enjoy your company, but at some point very quickly when it became apparent there was going to be no sex for a year, that would be the end of it.

 

I guess I agree with most of the advice, figure out what you want first.

 

"figure out what you want first"..... yep, that's what I'm trying to do.

 

Really, I just need to build relationships.... Relationships! haha.... Don't know if that sounds attractive to the guys or not, but that'll be my focus.

[Ms. Joolie]

I would say they were probably religious or confused about their sexuality. And they'd almost always be female.

 

 

I use to be quite religious. Was raised in a religious household and explored it on my own in my early twenties.

 

Never confused about my sexuality though. haha.

 

However, neither one or the other of those is accurate for me. But I am female.

[Knittress]

My ex left me over a year ago, I'm applying to the Peace Corps and that's gonna take another year, I'll be overseas for at least two years... yep. I could easily see myself being celibate for 4+ years.

 

Not that I'm HAPPY about this or anything...

(But I'm not into loving and leaving, and I can't do sex without love...)

[jerseyboy]

My ex left me over a year ago, I'm applying to the Peace Corps and that's gonna take another year, I'll be overseas for at least two years... yep. I could easily see myself being celibate for 4+ years.

 

Not that I'm HAPPY about this or anything...

(But I'm not into loving and leaving, and I can't do sex without love...)

 

 

Ugghhh

 

 

Dont do the Peace Core thing. Have yet to meet anyone who has and thought it a good idea in retrospect

[Ody]

"figure out what you want first"..... yep, that's what I'm trying to do.

 

Really, I just need to build relationships.... Relationships! haha.... Don't know if that sounds attractive to the guys or not, but that'll be my focus.

 

LOL, sure, we love women who've sworn off sex and don't know what they want!

 

Hehe sorry I just couldn't resist that one...

[sedgwick]

Hey wait aren't you the belly dancer who was just kissing up on the neck of some drummer guy in a different thread?

 

Yup! He's the guy who's not interested.

 

Ever happening again? Really?? wow.

 

How interesting though. You must be an interesting person then, not going with the flow. Or something like that.

 

Eh, whether or not I'm interesting is debatable. I'm just tired of chasing and being rejected, and it seems easier at this point to just assume my sex life is a thing of the past! I'm trying to just accept it and be okay with it -- what else can you do, really?

Edited November 24, 2009 by sedgwick

[Thornton]

I don't think I've ever gone a full three years, but maybe 2.5 years. I can't separate love and sex, so if I'm only dating casually I won't have sex with the person, not until the relationship is serious and I have some feelings and trust for them. On more than one occasion I've gone a couple of years between sex partners

 

I don't really feel sexual desire for someone I don't have feelings for anyway; my sexual desire for another person is completely attached to feelings of love for them. I don't think I have a particular need for sex with another person; I miss it when I'm not having it, but I dont miss it enough to do it with someone I don't love. Anyway I'd be too worried about diseases to have indiscriminate sex with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with, and if they're having emotionless sex with me they're probably doing it with other people too, which increases the risk. Tbh I feel the lack of love in my life a lot more than the lack of sex... sex I can live without, but I really miss loving someone

[Ms. Joolie]

LOL, sure, we love women who've sworn off sex and don't know what they want!

 

Hehe sorry I just couldn't resist that one...

 

 

No, don't apologize. That's a good point. It does put it in a different light, doesn't it? I had to think about that, because that's def NOT the message I'm trying to send.

[Ms. Joolie]

Yup! He's the guy who's not interested.

 

 

Eh, whether or not I'm interesting is debatable. I'm just tired of chasing and being rejected, and it seems easier at this point to just assume my sex life is a thing of the past! I'm trying to just accept it and be okay with it -- what else can you do, really?

 

Well *I* think you sound interesting. THAT is not debatable. lol.. And I don't know about you obviously, but when you say you just have to "accept it and be okay with it" I question that reasoning.

[jimbo]

I've done it for way longer. Mind over matter. Plus, was working like f*ck so had no time for casual encounters. Work, sleep, eat, sh!!t. That was it. You do what you got to do to help family. That was then and this is now. Anyway, do I regret it. Its a toss-up. Some days yes. Some days no. This could be why I am a bit colder than others? Not sure. Mind of matter. Eventually, if you no longer mind, it will no longer matter. Reversing it though, that is a whole nother topic.

[Ms. Joolie]

I don't think I've ever gone a full three years, but maybe 2.5 years. I can't separate love and sex, so if I'm only dating casually I won't have sex with the person, not until the relationship is serious and I have some feelings and trust for them. On more than one occasion I've gone a couple of years between sex partners

 

I don't really feel sexual desire for someone I don't have feelings for anyway; my sexual desire for another person is completely attached to feelings of love for them. I don't think I have a particular need for sex with another person; I miss it when I'm not having it, but I dont miss it enough to do it with someone I don't love. Anyway I'd be too worried about diseases to have indiscriminate sex with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with, and if they're having emotionless sex with me they're probably doing it with other people too, which increases the risk. Tbh I feel the lack of love in my life a lot more than the lack of sex... sex I can live without, but I really miss loving someone

 

Now when you said "...but I really miss loving someone", THAT made me come to a new conclusion in regards to this whole relationship/sex dilemma I find myself in.

 

For me, too, it is about loving someone. The sex is exciting, but what I don't want to do is go back to that 18 yr old mentality of, "it's all just fun." But then where would that leave me at? I began having a problem thinking that sex is reserved for an exclusive relationship.

 

After all, most men don't buy that nowadays. We want sex right away, and females in particular want relationships. So what's the compromise, right?

 

If sex is about making love for us, or about loving someone, it seems reasonable to think that we make love to someone prior to establishing a relationship. This brings, I think, sex into a new light for me. So it doesn't have to be about just having fun, no strings attached. It can be about making love to someone (which is fun and healthy) and sharing that experience. It can lead up to a lasting relationship, but it may not. The experience would be sharing those feelings with someone.

 

Guys may just go into having sex with no thought, of course. This isn't about what the guy is thinking or doing.... it's about our attitude towards sex, a feminine perspective.

 

It's about discernment then, about who we want to share the experience with. I initially started out with wanting to avoid the whole sex thing, but now I see it as an experience to have, not avoid altogether until some sort of relationship is magically established first. Sounds elementary but was a necessary thought process. lol

Edited November 24, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[Ms. Joolie]

I've done it for way longer. Mind over matter. Plus, was working like f*ck so had no time for casual encounters. Work, sleep, eat, sh!!t. That was it. You do what you got to do to help family. That was then and this is now. Anyway, do I regret it. Its a toss-up. Some days yes. Some days no. This could be why I am a bit colder than others? Not sure. Mind of matter. Eventually, if you no longer mind, it will no longer matter. Reversing it though, that is a whole nother topic.

 

I think the trouble with thinking about mind over matter when it comes to sex is that it really is both, not one or the other, and that goes for a lot in life. It's not just about the mind, or just about the matter, it's the balance of the two. Or perhaps, the completeness of involving both.

 

So while the mind may reason on thing about sex, and the matter is purely having sex for sex, it's important to put the mind where it matters.

 

In my case, I'm making up my mind to have sex that matters. lol. Granted, sex is not an intellectual act, but the more mindful we are about things I think the better life we have. In other words, the more we choose what we want out of life the better life we have.

 

I REALLY am rambling now. But as for as involving mind and matter in sex, I understand that it can be a sexual experience, involving both mind and matter. It's discerning who you share that experience with is the next step. Or being able to share that experience.

 

ANYWAY....

 

it sounds like you are on a time crunch. Not sure if your sex life is on your priority list of what matters or not...... lol.

[Scottdmw]

I think that sex is an incredibly powerful bonding experience. The hormones are such that it tends to quickly make you fall in love with the other person, giving you both that rush of wonderful feelings. There are two problems with this though.

 

Once you've crossed the sexual threshold with someone, it makes you very strongly invested in the relationship. You stop trying to evaluate the person and start trying to make the relationship work with everything you have. You have a very strong incentive now to make it work, and to ignore any problems you see. Any problems have to be a lot bigger now before you will pay attention to them. This is exactly why and how many people stay in abusive relationships or relationships that just aren’t particularly good for them.

 

The other part of this is that if the relationship ends up not working out, it radically increases the pain of breaking up. If no sex is involved, you can readily date someone for a number of months, have a great time together, and still separate easily if you decide you're not right. You can quickly get back into dating again without being stuck with the heartbreak. If on the other hand sex is involved, you can break up from a relatively short-term relationship and be really heartbroken. Then you either have to spend a long time recovering or jump into a rebound relationship with someone that is convenient rather than being well-suited for you, in order to mask your pain.

 

I often think it's a bit ironic the way this site is set up. There is the “breaking up” section, consisting of hundreds of people out of their minds with pain from breaking up. Then there is the “dating” section with hundreds of people who want nothing more than to set themselves up for potentially the same kind of experience.

 

There is also that nagging chance of unexpected pregnancy-- something around 1 in 10 (10%) per couple per year for typical use of either the pill or condoms according to Planned Parenthood.

 

I think these are excellent reasons to wait on sex as long as you possibly can, if not actually until marriage.

 

I have personally put this into practice for the last 2.5 years. At that time my last sexual relationship ended. My experience has been that I have been gradually happier and happier as I recovered from that. I have dated a number of people casually. I would like to have another sexual relationship, but I'm quite wary of another painful ending. I'm really not sure it's worth it. Maybe other people can shrug it off more quickly than I can, but at this point at age 36 I would rather find the right person and get married.

 

Best of luck,

 

Scott

[RobM]

The other thing you can't discount is that sex is the great tension eraser, it's almost impossible to be mad at someone right after sex and for me a good day or two longer. The little crap, little annoyances just build and build, without sex at some point the little things turn into big things and fights are the results, sex resets that annoyance level back to 0.

 

If I had sex every other day or so I'd always have a smile on my face and feel warm and loving toward her all the time.

[Devil Inside]

Now when you said "...but I really miss loving someone", THAT made me come to a new conclusion in regards to this whole relationship/sex dilemma I find myself in.

 

For me, too, it is about loving someone. The sex is exciting, but what I don't want to do is go back to that 18 yr old mentality of, "it's all just fun." But then where would that leave me at? I began having a problem thinking that sex is reserved for an exclusive relationship.

 

After all, most men don't buy that nowadays. We want sex right away, and females in particular want relationships. So what's the compromise, right?

 

If sex is about making love for us, or about loving someone, it seems reasonable to think that we make love to someone prior to establishing a relationship. This brings, I think, sex into a new light for me. So it doesn't have to be about just having fun, no strings attached. It can be about making love to someone (which is fun and healthy) and sharing that experience. It can lead up to a lasting relationship, but it may not. The experience would be sharing those feelings with someone.

 

Guys may just go into having sex with no thought, of course. This isn't about what the guy is thinking or doing.... it's about our attitude towards sex, a feminine perspective.

 

It's about discernment then, about who we want to share the experience with. I initially started out with wanting to avoid the whole sex thing, but now I see it as an experience to have, not avoid altogether until some sort of relationship is magically established first. Sounds elementary but was a necessary thought process. lol

 

I think you just have to find the right guy. At the risk of losing my man card I must admit that I am like Thornton. I attach love to sex and vice versa. This is not so unique to guys. Many, many men express intimacy primarily through sex because we are not as proficient as women at expessing our emotions. Then again...some guys are just out to get some tail.

 

I have never had sex with a woman that I was not already in love with. This was a choice. For me, I feel very turned on by my beloved...she becomes this beautiful sex goddess. So why have that experience with anyone else. It has limited my opportunities for sexual partners as finding someone to fall in love with is more difficult then simply finding someone to hook up with...but it is a worthy cause for me.

 

So my point is...there are guys that want to have a relationship first and then sex...but you are going to have to weed them out. The sad thing is that us guys have learned that many women want the relationship first...so we fake it. Once you figure those guys out, and it'll take a couple of tries, you should find a keeper.

 

Good luck.

[RobM]

At the risk of losing my man card I must admit that I am like Thornton. I attach love to sex and vice versa.

 

I think I read once that women need great love to have great sex and guys need great sex to have great love.