Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 What do you think would happen if someone made a commitment to give up sex for three years? Is it even possible as an adult to stick to that commitment? Let's say this person goes out often, goes out on dates... has a very full and fun life, except that they won't have sex. They've given it up for three years, just like someone might give up alcohol. What do you think?
Ody Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 What do you think would happen if someone made a commitment to give up sex for three years? Is it even possible as an adult to stick to that commitment? Let's say this person goes out often, goes out on dates... has a very full and fun life, except that they won't have sex. They've given it up for three years, just like someone might give up alcohol. What do you think? LOL Would this person happen to be a certain someone who's frustrated with the dating scene in TX... OK ok um teasing aside... I think only a small percentage of people could actually pull this off. Sex drives aren't completely out of our control but they're not completely voluntary either. Many would try and not hit three years. Of the ones who succeed, I think it would be healthy and productive for some and frustrating and unhealthy for others. I have a friend who was celibate in his teens and early twenties. Not for religious or moral reasons - he just didn't think it was the thing for him, I guess. Anyway, now, almost ten years later, he rues that decision, feeling that he missed out on potentially meeting women whom he might have been happy with long term (since many people will not date someone who is celibate), and also because he feels the supressed desire that comes with such a decision was an unnecesary and unpleasant feeling. If you are not a very sexually driven person though I can see how it could be productive, I guess. But probably that's rare. I think the possible reasons to give up something like alcohol are much different and stronger than those to give up sex. Is sex destructive for you like alcohol is for some people?
Devil Inside Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I think there are some people that can pull it off. It would depend on the reasons they were doing it as to whether it would be healthy or not. I have a friend who has not had sex for three years..but because he has lost all confidence in himself...that is not healthy.
Els Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 It certainly is possible. But why'd you want to?
jerseyboy Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 People go extended periods without sex, by choice or by default, all the time. I dont find it strange at all that someone would go years without sex. I would find it weird that they would make a conscious decision to do so for that long a period fo time. Id wonder at the motivation to wish to, and the arbitrary nature of the time period. Unless it was something like Im going to law or med school, and Ive had poor experiences in the past of trying to juggle academics with a relationship
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 LOL Would this person happen to be a certain someone who's frustrated with the dating scene in TX... OK ok um teasing aside... I think only a small percentage of people could actually pull this off. Sex drives aren't completely out of our control but they're not completely voluntary either. Many would try and not hit three years. Of the ones who succeed, I think it would be healthy and productive for some and frustrating and unhealthy for others. I have a friend who was celibate in his teens and early twenties. Not for religious or moral reasons - he just didn't think it was the thing for him, I guess. Anyway, now, almost ten years later, he rues that decision, feeling that he missed out on potentially meeting women whom he might have been happy with long term (since many people will not date someone who is celibate), and also because he feels the supressed desire that comes with such a decision was an unnecesary and unpleasant feeling. If you are not a very sexually driven person though I can see how it could be productive, I guess. But probably that's rare. I think the possible reasons to give up something like alcohol are much different and stronger than those to give up sex. Is sex destructive for you like alcohol is for some people? Not trying to supress my sexuality, just find my balance. Sex and alcohol can be very destructive. All things in moderation. Just trying to find the healthy balance for me I guess. I realize that like alcohol, sex is intoxifying. Rules may not be such a good idea. For example, no sex until the third date. But I think I need a new attitude toward it all. Maybe a commitment to not have sex for three years is a bit much though. lol. Really just turning ideas around in my head. Now that I'm taking on the dating world again with a new perspective, I'm just toying with new plans of action..... hehe. "action"...
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 I think there are some people that can pull it off. It would depend on the reasons they were doing it as to whether it would be healthy or not. I have a friend who has not had sex for three years..but because he has lost all confidence in himself...that is not healthy. Good call on the confidence. I'm thinking how a long period might affect one's confidence now. Would I become sexually shy? lol. May be fun to be deflowered again. Omg, the stuff I write on the internet.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 It certainly is possible. But why'd you want to? Really it's about getting a new attitude toward sexuality. On one hand it's for fun, on the other it's intimate. What's the balance when you date? One one hand it's no strings attached, on the other hand it seems like a trust you give someone exclusively in a relationship. Perhaps by going one year, instead of three, without I could step outside and get a new attitude on it all? I'm sort of a black or white person. Don't want to go haywire, don't want to be a total prude... lol. Just thinking about the balance.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 People go extended periods without sex, by choice or by default, all the time. I dont find it strange at all that someone would go years without sex. I would find it weird that they would make a conscious decision to do so for that long a period fo time. Id wonder at the motivation to wish to, and the arbitrary nature of the time period. Unless it was something like Im going to law or med school, and Ive had poor experiences in the past of trying to juggle academics with a relationship I am considering making a conscious decision.... maybe not three years, but one. See how that goes. Dating would be different, and men I dated would have to wait. lol. Don't really plan on telling the men I date that they have to wait or anything. It'd be just my secret really, to see what happens. See if they would they stick around and all that. shiver. Never really have done that before. Maybe I'm overthinking all this, but really just don't want to go out there with only "having fun" in mind, you know? Because, oh it will happen.... and it's a destructive roll. At least, for me.
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Let's say this person goes out often, goes out on dates... has a very full and fun life, except that they won't have sex. They've given it up for three years, just like someone might give up alcohol. What do you think? Without prejudice, I think that concept is foolish. The only way I'd 'give up' sex would be to have no sort of intimacy with a woman at all. Otherwise, it would just be a recipe for blue balls. Who needs that? At 50, I certainly don't. BTW, I've been celibate for a year, since my stbx and I stopped having sex.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Gasp. I'm thinking I'm clueless on healthy attitudes on sex. I grew up very traditonal... chucked that and then did my own thing (um, not restrictive, I'll put it that way)... and it's been back and forth since. Is there such a thing as sex therapy.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Without prejudice, I think that concept is foolish. The only way I'd 'give up' sex would be to have no sort of intimacy with a woman at all. Otherwise, it would just be a recipe for blue balls. Who needs that? At 50, I certainly don't. BTW, I've been celibate for a year, since my stbx and I stopped having sex. Hmmm... intimacy. Good point. I have a track record of a fear of intimacy. So I guess that is why I've either been all or nothing. Haven't really developed intimacy, just BANG, done the deed. I'm glad you said that. I think, in my case, holding off would be a good idea. I probably sound like such a whore, but isn't it true that so many of us need healthy attitudes on sex? Right? lol
Boundary Problem Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Sometimes giving up sex and being single is easier than taking on some pain-in-the-ass person who you know you don't have a future with. I'd rather wait for the right person. Mind you, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. Going without sex for 3 years is possible. Just ask some of us who were married (hee hee). You don't realize it, but the years tick by.
jerseyboy Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I am considering making a conscious decision.... maybe not three years, but one. See how that goes. Dating would be different, and men I dated would have to wait. lol. Don't really plan on telling the men I date that they have to wait or anything. It'd be just my secret really, to see what happens. See if they would they stick around and all that. shiver. Never really have done that before. Maybe I'm overthinking all this, but really just don't want to go out there with only "having fun" in mind, you know? Because, oh it will happen.... and it's a destructive roll. At least, for me. I can understand the motivation. Just not setting a set time frame for that extended a period of time. Most people get sick of dating. So much so that they need a break. Ive done it often enough especially after leaving a relationship. I just want to be alone for a while. Expecting others to respect that choice, or take it seriously, is another matter. But even just because it gets repetitive and frankly depressing and draining. So Ill wait till someone really blows me away.
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Going without sex for 3 years is possible. Just ask some of us who were married (hee hee). You don't realize it, but the years tick by. LOL, I had to check the paperwork, but I was dead on about the 'year', since it was a year ago today that I funded the purchase of my stbx's new house, which was to be 'our' house. I can laugh about that now. It's so transparent
Boundary Problem Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 LOL, I had to check the paperwork, but I was dead on about the 'year', since it was a year ago today that I funded the purchase of my stbx's new house, which was to be 'our' house. I can laugh about that now. It's so transparent My ex was pretty transparent as well. Funny we don't see it at the time. Two month into marriage he said he couldn't have sex with me anymore. Coincided with me saying I was pregnant (we were both wanting a child). Turns out he is gay, or something. After a few years of no sex, you just go numb to be honest. I know my sex drive is still within me because I'll get these volcanic reactions to certain things. So far I've been able to manage the situation, but now when I'm around a man I find attractive I get really quiet. Because I'm hoping the volcano doesn't erupt and sometimes these men happen to be married!!!! So far so good, though. (whew)
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 now when I'm around a man I find attractive I get really quiet. Because I'm hoping the volcano doesn't erupt and sometimes these men happen to be married!!!!I'm still my friendly self, but do still wear my wedding band when traveling. No sense in sending mixed messages. Man, that sucks......so, he was gay and wanted a child? Guess he hadn't heard of adoption. The psychology of some people. I have a track record of a fear of intimacy. So I guess that is why I've either been all or nothing. Haven't really developed intimacy, just BANG, done the deed.If that works for you, don't fight it. Sex won't fix fear of intimacy; that has to be worked on separately. If you're getting professional help for your fear of intimacy, listen to your psychologist regarding how to approach sex in that dynamic. Everyone is different. I don't fear intimacy but know that it and sex are, for me, inextricably connected. I also know it's not healthy for myself nor fair to someone with whom I might become intimate with to subject the dynamic to my emotions regarding my divorce, which are still up and down. So, until that is resolved, no intimacy and no sex, though I'm enjoying friends and life immensely.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) I don't fear intimacy but know that it and sex are, for me, inextricably connected. I also know it's not healthy for myself nor fair to someone with whom I might become intimate with to subject the dynamic to my emotions regarding my divorce, which are still up and down. So, until that is resolved, no intimacy and no sex, though I'm enjoying friends and life immensely. I forget that I don't like intimacy. See, you said "intimacy" and I just ran with that. That is my real problem. Not that I don't like dating, not that I want to give up sex. I've always kept my life very private. That's how I was raised, and that's who I became. So instead of getting to know men, I had sex with them if that makes sense. Instead of having guy friends, it was always about the sexual chemistry. It's easier to have sex than have people who are truly close to you. It's not just men, it's people in general. I do need to address this before dating perhaps. THAT'S why I didn't want to go back into the dating world. I don't want to be that false self again... that person on the outside who doesn't really open up and isn't really being herself. It's easy to put on a show, not so easy to be real with people. I just want to be myself this time, no games. I am enjoying life immensely right now, but it's sharing life with someone I get all caught up on . Will have to think about this. Edited November 22, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 So, tell me about a friend you've told you love him or her. There's intimacy without sex. If you haven't yet experienced that, IMO, it's probably a good path to where you want to go. One step at a time
Devil Inside Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Hey Joolie just make sure if you do it that you have one hell of a weekend to hold you over for the long haul.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 So, tell me about a friend you've told you love him or her. There's intimacy without sex. If you haven't yet experienced that, IMO, it's probably a good path to where you want to go. One step at a time I've decided I need to work at relationships. lol. I know that by working at relationships, having healthy relationships, I'll have a healthier romantic relationship. And, really, I've only just recently acquired a healthy relationship with myself. I've had a lot to work on. lol. My previous relationship hid all those things. It lasted a little over three years, and who I was entering that relationship is not who I am today. I've changed much, and for the better. So, yeah, enjoying life and building relationships then should be my focus. Not enjoying life and avoiding sex.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Hey Joolie just make sure if you do it that you have one hell of a weekend to hold you over for the long haul. ....such a guy's advice.......
Devil Inside Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 ....such a guy's advice....... Guilty! However, if I must add something constructive. I would say that giving up anything flat out is usually a strategy reserved for behaviors that we feel are out of our control. Are you feeling out of control when it comes to sex? Also, I would never go into a relationship, knowing you are not going to have sex for X amount of time, and not eventually communicate that with them. I think it is kind of a game to hold onto that information just to see how they react. Besides the guy that can hear that and stay with you...is into you. Anyways...good luck.
sedgwick Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I gave up sex after my ex left me 2.5 years ago. Didn't want it at all until recently, and that guy's not interested either. At this point I don't really see it ever happening again, and I miss it, but I'm okay with it. At least I'm not embarrassing myself chasing after it, and I don't miss the headache and heartache!
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I gave up sex after my ex left me 2.5 years ago. Didn't want it at all until recently, and that guy's not interested either. At this point I don't really see it ever happening again, and I miss it, but I'm okay with it. At least I'm not embarrassing myself chasing after it, and I don't miss the headache and heartache! Hey wait aren't you the belly dancer who was just kissing up on the neck of some drummer guy in a different thread?
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