Don't let your relationshps "lapse"?

[b52s]

I know of women that do this a lot....I'm sure men do it too, but I'm sure you've heard this analogy that (think I even heard Bill Engval even say it, lol)

 

That when women date.....when they currently have a boyfriend....they find a new man....start a relationship with that man, and THEN dump the previous boyfriend.

 

That way there's no "Lapse" in their dating resume.

 

Now, is this normal, or really a form of cheating?

 

I've been witnessed to it as well. There's a couple of people I know....the guy is single and unattached, the woman has a boyfriend....because she has talked about him in conversation and what not.

 

This was very recent, but she has gotten VERY friendly with a guy in our social network, they come together all the time to events (sometimes we go out bowling or play sports together in a league). Of course, on her FB profile it says, "IN a relationship" with so and so....and she has quite a few photos with her and her b/f. So it's obvious she's taken....or so she says....but her and this new fellow has been rather physical with each other in public...not "making out" type stuff (no kissing) but snuggling and kind of affecationate with each other....basically you can tell they're a couple just by looking at them.

 

Now, here is my question.....maybe perhaps this is why I miss out on some dating opportunities, but that being said.....should I make at least attempts at trying to ask out women, KNOWING they are taken?

 

Perhaps I'm going about pursing dating opps. the wrong way this entire time?

 

The man I'm referring to even told me he VERY rarely meets someone that is TRUELY single anyhow...so that got me thinking and just always assumes the person is spoken for and it's very true for the woman who you want to be with.

 

They may TELL you they're single, but...they have at least ONE person they're with that they want...it's just the term "relationship" they object to. (not sure if that makes sense, lol). He said he very rarely meets someone that is actually single....and in most cases they wanted to REMAIN single, then one day they decide they don't, and then THAT day, they're are in a relationship.

 

I'm just trying to figure out this new perspective on dating or just rationalizing her possibly cheating on her boyfriend.

 

I've even heard stories of women dumping fiance's for another man and marrying THAT man. (well they first dated THAT man)

 

Almost like in some of those romantic comedies. Girl already has a man, the new character/man comes into the picture, she falls DEEP in love with said man and dumps the other character.

 

Anyhow, to the point, should I start being that, "Other tree branch" and start making attempts at "taken" women?

[Ms. Joolie]

If someone is happy and satisfied in a relationship, they won't go anywhere. If they are not happy and satisfied, they'll be looking for someone else.

 

If you are that someone else, then go for it. But if things get started between you two, it really does depend on how she ends the relationship she is already in. Is she just cheating with you or did she show respect to her other relationship before getting involved with you?

 

Those would be good things to consider, as they would be telling of the type or person you are dealing with and how you can expect to be treated.

[phineas]

I've dated women that told me they weren't dating anyone else but were.

I stopped calling when I found out they lied.

 

I've also dated women that told me they were dating others & that didn't bother me because they were truthful.

I would just loose interest because I dont believe in actively competing for a woman or being her personal ATM machine.

 

and if a chick has a boyfriend forget about it. I'm not that guy.

[tigressA]

If you are that someone else, then go for it. But if things get started between you two, it really does depend on how she ends the relationship she is already in. Is she just cheating with you or did she show respect to her other relationship before getting involved with you?

 

Yes, pay attention to this. In my case, I found myself really drawn to another guy while I was attempting to reconcile with my ex, so I was honest with myself and with my ex and dumped him for good before I started up anything with the new guy. This is how it should be done, not by just immediately taking up with someone else before you end your current relationship. That's just being dishonest and disrespectful--I do think it's cheating.

[threebyfate]

If you start going after taken women, you've effectively put yourself at the bottom of the slippery slope.

 

What's more important to you? Do you want a woman with integrity or will any woman do? And if you choose the latter, we'll be seeing you again on LS, crying your heart out since she either grabbed a different branch or cheated on you.

[carhill]

Although I feel the dynamic is unhealthy, the wisdom in it is that a taken commodity is a valuable commodity and a more attractive commodity. Watch how things work in life and you'll see what I mean.

 

In my 20+ years of being single, I never met a woman who didn't have 'someone', either real or imagined. I had to take on the mindset that, unless she had a wedding ring on her finger, she was fair game. Cruel reality, for me anyway. That ultimately got me into trouble with one particular lady who wasn't wearing her wedding ring but that's another dynamic altogether

[b52s]

Although I feel the dynamic is unhealthy, the wisdom in it is that a taken commodity is a valuable commodity and a more attractive commodity. Watch how things work in life and you'll see what I mean.

 

In my 20+ years of being single, I never met a woman who didn't have 'someone', either real or imagined. I had to take on the mindset that, unless she had a wedding ring on her finger, she was fair game. Cruel reality, for me anyway. That ultimately got me into trouble with one particular lady who wasn't wearing her wedding ring but that's another dynamic altogether

 

Yeah, there was a woman in my church that I had asked to "grab a bite to eat" after services one time, and she got irate with me for having "such nerve" to do such a thing, even though she mentioned she had a boyfriend.

 

I'm like "no ring, go for it", but it depends on the situation, and I guess you have to be aware of what the situation with the current boyfriend is like.

 

In this instance, her boyfriend is out of town all the time, but this caused her to seek a social life and risk exposure to other men she might fall for.

 

Or in some situations, some of a woman's boyfriends, once these boyfriends are in the comfort of a relationship with them, but the 'g/f' wants to get out of the house, and he doesn't want to join her.

 

There's a problem there, too, and some how relationships evolve with the new faces she encounters. And something JUST might occur.

 

The common denominator here is....that the boyfriend is never around when she's out and about socializing. It almost seems more like fate as well, because she just simply put herself in an environment to allow her exposure to other men that might flirt or just develop something with her naturally that sometimes can't be helped.

 

The other boyfriend winds up being "out of sight, out of mind".

 

I knew of a woman that was a member of a hiking group, but her man likes to sit at home on Sat to watch football all the time.

 

Will this woman wind up developing something with a guy in her hiking group? Who knows...it can happen.

 

It just seems when a g/f or b/f start exploring other SOCIAL avenues, that the dissolution of their current relationship MIGHT occur and then transition into a new one.

 

The nature of the beast actually.

 

Might not be ANY moral situation, it just happens. It might NOT even BE a test of one's integrity if someone decides to dump one person and find another if it's a rather natural transition to the next relationship.

[carhill]

While not the norm, my personal preference is a clear and transparent emotional and sexual demarcation between intimate relationships. The 'cruel reality' was discovering that, by and large, that's not how the real world works. The choice was adapting to reality or being alone. After being alone for many years, I adapted to reality and compromised some of my principles in the process. It was a time when black and white became gray.

 

Since I'm back to my old ways, celibate for a year now and awaiting a final divorce settlement and emotional finality before dating, I'll report back on what I observe in the 50 and up dating 'scene'. So far, from merely observing, it's not much different than 10-15 years ago, wrt the OP. We'll see

[jerseyboy]

Its more of a female thing in my observation.

 

Not all women so spare me the admonishments. Just most:)

 

Women, even when not outright cheating, usually line up prospects before leaving a relationship.

 

Or perhaps as commonly have found an upgrade.

[carhill]

Women, even when not outright cheating, usually line up prospects before leaving a relationship.

The way this works is that, without being overt, they adopt the mindset that they're available, which sends out signals to men, regardless of their relationship status, that this woman might want to be with them. The men approach, interaction begins, but the woman has not 'done anything' and can truthfully assert that.

 

That's how it works. Decades of experience here

[threebyfate]

I'm kind of looking at the logic within this thread and it doesn't add up. If being "taken" is so much more attractive, wouldn't broadcasting an available status be counter-productive?

[tigressA]

I'm kind of looking at the logic within this thread and it doesn't add up. If being "taken" is so much more attractive, wouldn't broadcasting an available status be counter-productive?

 

Hmm...good question. Carhill?

[jerseyboy]

The way this works is that, without being overt, they adopt the mindset that they're available, which sends out signals to men, regardless of their relationship status, that this woman might want to be with them. The men approach, interaction begins, but the woman has not 'done anything' and can truthfully assert that.

 

That's how it works. Decades of experience here

 

 

Exactly.

 

Although the not done anything is far less an issue with them these days.

 

Instead what Ive observed is a denial of affection within the relationship towards the end, coinciding with the time they start interacting with the other guy.

 

You can fairly well tell when your buddy is about to get divorced, its always preceded by "she wont sleep with me any more" I think part of it is biological with them, partly that their feelings have already transferred to the new guy, and the rest a rationalization that since she isnt "with" her husband that way, the relationship is really over, shes jjust getting around to tewlling him, and therefore its not full blown cheating/Im still a good person

[carhill]

Broadcasting an available status is universally more productive for women, as men are predominantly the sexual and relationship aggressors. This is true irrespective of relationship status. Once a woman broadcasts availability, men will become interested and a certain subset of men will not care whether she is taken or not.

 

Men, OTOH, merely have to refrain from being aggressive and they will enjoy the freedom of solitude. I'm living that right now and did as a single man whenever I chose to not be aggressive. Women don't respond to broadcasted signals of availability in the same way as a man does. I experimented with this and attracted, without exception, ego feeders and married women

[b52s]

The way this works is that, without being overt, they adopt the mindset that they're available, which sends out signals to men, regardless of their relationship status, that this woman might want to be with them. The men approach, interaction begins, but the woman has not 'done anything' and can truthfully assert that.

 

That's how it works. Decades of experience here

 

I had recently found out, that this guy who is out of town (overseas) is coming in for Thanksgiving for a visit....she plans on breaking up with him ....yikes, just at the start of the Holidays, too.

[carhill]

Yep, my stbx at least had the decency to wait until after the holidays and after her birthday and after Valentine's day

[b52s]

Yep, my stbx at least had the decency to wait until after the holidays and after her birthday and after Valentine's day

 

LOL...recommend suicide watch for him during the holidays. lol ...just kidding.

[carhill]

Trouble is, hapenis varies from day to day

[threebyfate]

If a woman is happy in her current relationship she won't risk f u c k i n g it up with another guy.

While this is relatively true of both men and women, there are enough people in this world who either have an excessive self-entitlement complex, find monogamy a challenge, or who's needs exceed what any one person can provide. These are the relationship messer-uppers who shouldn't be in monogamous relationships.

[dark1san]

think like this, if she did it to him, she'll do it to you, you might be the other man now, but who'll be the other man down the road

[b52s]

think like this, if she did it to him, she'll do it to you, you might be the other man now, but who'll be the other man down the road

 

 

Not necessarily. Sometimes the new man might be the man she stops and might not find anyone better.

 

BUt isn't that the purpose of "dating", to find what is right for us?

[carhill]

The balance for that assertion is that, if a man hesitates, another man pounces and he loses momentum and male success points. Dominant males tend not to discriminate by relationship status, which is why so many of them are polyamorous. If they see a woman they want, they go after her. They are also very attuned as to when the woman is 'ripe for picking', a point when she's sending out signals of availability but not yet free of the current R completely. The man who waits until she's completely free doesn't have a chance against a dominant male, simply because the dominant male cares less. He doesn't care about the woman's relationship status, nor his for that matter.

 

One might opine that a healthy man should not want a woman such as described but I can see and have experienced the psychology of being exposed to this year after year. It colors one's view of all women.

[b52s]

The balance for that assertion is that, if a man hesitates, another man pounces and he loses momentum and male success points. Dominant males tend not to discriminate by relationship status, which is why so many of them are polyamorous. If they see a woman they want, they go after her. They are also very attuned as to when the woman is 'ripe for picking', a point when she's sending out signals of availability but not yet free of the current R completely. The man who waits until she's completely free doesn't have a chance against a dominant male, simply because the dominant male cares less. He doesn't care about the woman's relationship status, nor his for that matter.

 

One might opine that a healthy man should not want a woman such as described but I can see and have experienced the psychology of being exposed to this year after year. It colors one's view of all women.

 

Right, I sometimes think that waiting for a woman to "get over" her last relationship is sometimes hogwash, and I'll "pounce" as soon as she becomes unattached.

 

I guess that's where the "nice guys finish last" situation....a "Nice guy" will say, "Well, I better give her a few months to get over her last relationship"

 

During which time another man has been waiting in the midst to make his move.

 

I bet 90% of the relationships that I just described of which "overlap" the way they do is how they get their start.

 

I think NO woman doesn't have ANY suitors waiting to make their move as soon as the boyfriend is out of the picture.

 

I used to back off of "taken" women before, but then I find out she gets a new boyfriend and go "WTF" How did that happen??"

 

only to miss out on the lady I thought was taken, was snarfed up before I could stick around to "hover" for the latest updates of her availability.

 

Friend of mine that knows a woman I'm interested in told me I have NO shot with her because

 

1. She's got a boyfriend

2. ANOTHER guy has been talking to her on a daily basis.

 

I said to him, "Um....so isn't it moot that the guy that's talking to her daily doesn't even have a shot either?? It's moot."

 

But if this guy is talking to heron a daily basis...that means he's probably in a holding pattern for this chick to dump the current guy.

 

I've been keeping her eye on her Facebook profile's "Singles Status"

 

A few days ago, she was "in a relationship with....<whoever>...now...she's not.

YOu watch, she'll hook up with a new guy. As soon as she becomes available.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Gees. LOL If I took everything in this thread as gospel, I would start to wonder why men even bother with women - they sound high maintenance.

[carhill]

That's why I got a cat and feed it well. A lot cheaper and much more friendly, even with the claws. That's from a guy who genuinely likes women.

 

 

Edit: He does snore like my stbx though