sugamama75 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I'm gonna try and make this short as possible. I've been dating a guy for about three months. We decided to date exclusively about a month ago (his idea). We've disagreed on things, but never have had an argument. Now mind you, in my past couple relationships, I had a tendency to be needy, so when I met this guy, I was determined to maintain a life of my own even AFTER things became exclusive. I also told him that I want absolutely nothing that he's not willing to give to me of his own free will (his time, attention, availability, etc), and I have held fast to a motto of: "If I have to ask for it, then I don't want it." As a result, I've met his family. He's given me permission to stop by his house without having to call first. And, he's even offered to give me a key (which I declined.) We don't see each other everyday, but we do communicate even if it's just via text or email. Things were great until a couple weeks ago. He lost his cell phone, and I didn't hear from him for two days. I was a little ticked 'cuz even though he didn't have a phone, there was NOTHING wrong with his email), but again..if I gotta ask.... When he replaced his phone, he called me but I was a football game and didn't hear my phone ring. It was pretty noisy at the game, so I put the phone back in my bag thinking I'd just return his call during halftime. A few minutes later, I realized I could just text him, so I took the phone out again and saw that he'd called again and this time left a voice message. I sent him a text letting him know I'd call him after the game. He responded via text: ok. When I got to the car and listened to his voicemail, he didn't sound upset, but I sensed a little agitation. I called him back, he didn't answer the phone. I didn't think anything of it because he'd mention in his voicemail that he'd worked from 7am to 9pm and I figured he'd fallen asleep by then. After I didn't hear from him the next day, I sent him a text message, just asking was he ok. No response. The next day I called and still no response, so I got a little worried and went by his apartment. His car was there, but no one answered the door. I called while I was at the door and got no answer. When I called a second time, it went straight to voicemail, which let me know he'd turned the phone off. Still not trying to think the worst, I left and dropped by through a few hours later. His car was gone. That's when I KNEW he was there when I stopped by earlier, he simply didn't answer the door. During the time we've been dating, I learned that he's somewhat of a recluse, but he has shown me absolutely nothing but adoration, he has never given me one inkling of the notion that he is controlling, so I ruled out this being some form of punishment. Since I didnt really know what to do, I didn't do anything. I didn't drop by again. Nor did I call, text or email. After a couple days, I remember he'd told me his dad shut down on their family for several years after losing his job once, so I wonder if this is how he also deals with stuff. I sent him a text message letting him know that I don't understand what's going on, but he could feel free to call once he's ready. A couple MORE days passed and I realized that even if he was going through something, him shutting down on me was not acceptable. Still subscribing to my "if I have to ask, I don't need it" mantra, I wrote him a letter (very nice, focusing just on me, not him or his actions) that said I am taking this as he wants me out of his life, so I'm going to leave. That was Thursday. I still haven't heard from him. Now I've heard of guys doing this after a few dates, but never during an actual relationship, especially one where he has made himself so available up to this point. Do any of you do this? And if so, why? And do you ever decide to come back?
jerseyboy Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 He didnt call for two days (phone), called, then hasnt called against since? Maybe he met someone else? The obvious answer usually is the answer. Is there any reason he could of been jealous about you going to the game? Were you with someone he feels threatened by, or perhaps he wasnt certain who you were with and he got his panties in a bunch over it?
Author sugamama75 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 No, the games are my son's weekly high school football games. He's even gone to a few with me, so he's pretty much aware that I'm there with just the other parents. I never ruled out he'd found someone else; he just didn't strike me as the type of guy to rushed into and out of things like this, which made me think perhaps there it may have been something else...sigh..
Ody Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 He's either a douche or you're leaving something out of the story. Assuming you left nothing out, then yeah another woman or he's just kind of a basket case, not your fault, try to look at it as only three months, you're getting an easy exit! No arguments when he lost the phone or other details omitted?
2sunny Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 it does seem odd. something is missing, some piece of information you don't have. it seems there is something he is unwilling to share with you. either way, if this is the way he handles any adversity in life - i would never find that an attractive feature in someone i considered spending time with. for decency purposes - he could have at least given you some sort of indication about what was on his mind - or what the issue may have been... but to just ignore you and disappear without any acknowledgement shows utter disregard and a firm example that he doesn't communicate effectively. be happy you found this out now instead of maybe after you are married or have dated for a long time. i guess i would be grateful to understand this early on that he's unable to be what you thought or hoped he might be. clearly he's not a great guy to date. he definitely did you a favor... even if it doesn't seem like it now.
jerseyboy Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 No, the games are my son's weekly high school football games. He's even gone to a few with me, so he's pretty much aware that I'm there with just the other parents. I never ruled out he'd found someone else; he just didn't strike me as the type of guy to rushed into and out of things like this, which made me think perhaps there it may have been something else...sigh.. Sorry:( IM in the miniority, but my attitude in life would be "what difference does it make" Whether it be another girl, just inconsideration, or mental issues. Unless the person was in a hospital comatose, there really is no good answer. Rather than spend a lot of time and effort discerning cause, Id just move on.
Author sugamama75 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Definitely no arguments. We did have somewhat of a strange exchange the last time he came over (the day before he lost the phone). We were chatting while watching TV and he says (totally unrelated to what was on TV or what we were chatting about) 'If we got married, you would no longer be (my name), you wouldn't even be (my first name and his last name), but you would be (his name)'s wife.' I go, 'Yep, that's typically how it works.' Then he talked about how the longest relationship he'd ever been in was 3.5 years and the reason he's a recluse is he'd rather not let people get that close to him. When I asked where was all this coming from and what was he trying to say to me, he commented about something on TV and we both became distracted. When I revisited the subject afterwards, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He's definitely not that guy who sits around talking about feelings, so I figured I wouldn't press it then and just bring up some other time.
Ody Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Definitely no arguments. We did have somewhat of a strange exchange the last time he came over (the day before he lost the phone). We were chatting while watching TV and he says (totally unrelated to what was on TV or what we were chatting about) 'If we got married, you would no longer be (my name), you wouldn't even be (my first name and his last name), but you would be (his name)'s wife.' I go, 'Yep, that's typically how it works.' Yeah, I'm with JB, what the heck are you sitting around analyzing, who cares what his baggage is, move on. And were you serious with that reply or just wanted to end a bizarre conversation?
Author sugamama75 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 And were you serious with that reply or just wanted to end a bizarre conversation? Well his comment was so out the blue and I didn't really know where he was going with it (after all what we were talking about beforehand was very light, humorous) I was a little thrown off. I guess I said what I said cuz I didn't think he was 'bout to go deep on me. lol
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