dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 So my best friend here and her boyfriend wanted me to meet a friend of theirs. I do good with online dating, however, blind dates and set ups not so much. I had been texting the guy back and forth here and there (I am not a phone person with someone I don't know!) And we, including my friend and her boyfriend, all decided to meet up for coffee yesterday. So yesterday we all did coffee. And chit chatted for a bit. He was rather shy and quiet, which made me a little shy and nervous. He wanted to get together with me again, so I thought maybe another group thing, with no pressure would be good, and I felt better about that too. So tonight we were all going to go shoot pool. My phone rang and it was my friends bf. He said he wasn't feeling good and wasn't up for going out. So I text my friend to find out if she is going or not (her boyfriend isn't huge on her going outwith him). I'm not opposed to going out with this guy alone, but the shyness and the quietness is nerve racking for me. There's awkward silences when we talk sometimes. Yet the guy told my friends he likes me and wants to go out with me again. I'm on the fence if we should just try to make it for another night, or if I should wait to see if my friend is still going, or something. I want it to be a comfortable situation. Also, I've been finding myself putting my walls back up a bit. I'm more hesitant to dates. I could have went out on two last week, and I didn't. I was starting to look forward to this, but feel standoffish about it now. I don't know why. Grrrr.
threebyfate Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Go out. This is the best way to get to know him better. It's not as if it's the first time you've ever met him.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 You brining your gf/her bf to the bedroom when that happens as well to watch over you guys:) At some point you have to interact by yourselves dont you?
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 You brining your gf/her bf to the bedroom when that happens as well to watch over you guys:) At some point you have to interact by yourselves dont you? I wanted to lighten the pressure. We all met for an hour, and he was so quiet. When we spoke briefly on the phone, we got those strange weird silences and I didn't know what to say. Obviously I wasn't going to keep having my friends around after tonight, but I haven't really seen his personality, and I thought maybe it would open it up more if some common friends where there.
northstar1 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 So my best friend here and her boyfriend wanted me to meet a friend of theirs. I do good with online dating, however, blind dates and set ups not so much. I had been texting the guy back and forth here and there (I am not a phone person with someone I don't know!) And we, including my friend and her boyfriend, all decided to meet up for coffee yesterday. So yesterday we all did coffee. And chit chatted for a bit. He was rather shy and quiet, which made me a little shy and nervous. He wanted to get together with me again, so I thought maybe another group thing, with no pressure would be good, and I felt better about that too. So tonight we were all going to go shoot pool. My phone rang and it was my friends bf. He said he wasn't feeling good and wasn't up for going out. So I text my friend to find out if she is going or not (her boyfriend isn't huge on her going outwith him). I'm not opposed to going out with this guy alone, but the shyness and the quietness is nerve racking for me. There's awkward silences when we talk sometimes. Yet the guy told my friends he likes me and wants to go out with me again. I'm on the fence if we should just try to make it for another night, or if I should wait to see if my friend is still going, or something. I want it to be a comfortable situation. Also, I've been finding myself putting my walls back up a bit. I'm more hesitant to dates. I could have went out on two last week, and I didn't. I was starting to look forward to this, but feel standoffish about it now. I don't know why. Grrrr. Why not meet for a quick drink/coffee with the guise you have plans after? That way there is a time limit if it's awkward.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I wanted to lighten the pressure. We all met for an hour, and he was so quiet. When we spoke briefly on the phone, we got those strange weird silences and I didn't know what to say. Obviously I wasn't going to keep having my friends around after tonight, but I haven't really seen his personality, and I thought maybe it would open it up more if some common friends where there. I was just teasing:o He sounds boring dump him.
Pink Cupcakes Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Honestly if he is really interested, he will get a hold of you. You are taking this like you are the one who is the one with the ball in her court. You're not. If the guy is really interested, and that doesn't mean "my friend said he likes you" junior high stuff, then he will get a hold of you. You are an adult, he is an adult. If he wants to see you again, he will make it happen. Your dating life with this guy shouldn't depend on if your friends are able to show up. Right now he doesn't want to see you enough to at least give you a call. Even if he is so passive and he really is interested, if you do get together, you are going to be the one to have to make all the moves, your whole relationship will be navigated by you, because he will be the type who you won't hear from for weeks, and the only communication and dates you have will be initiated by you. Is this what you want? "Will you marry me?" "Uh, OK" except you are the one asking???
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Why not meet for a quick drink/coffee with the guise you have plans after? That way there is a time limit if it's awkward. Because the plans of going out to shoot pool and have a few drinks where already set. I can't really say, oh I made different plans.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Honestly if he is really interested, he will get a hold of you. You are taking this like you are the one who is the one with the ball in her court. You're not. If the guy is really interested, and that doesn't mean "my friend said he likes you" junior high stuff, then he will get a hold of you. You are an adult, he is an adult. If he wants to see you again, he will make it happen. Your dating life with this guy shouldn't depend on if your friends are able to show up. Right now he doesn't want to see you enough to at least give you a call. Even if he is so passive and he really is interested, if you do get together, you are going to be the one to have to make all the moves, your whole relationship will be navigated by you, because he will be the type who you won't hear from for weeks, and the only communication and dates you have will be initiated by you. Is this what you want? "Will you marry me?" "Uh, OK" except you are the one asking??? He called me last night to see if pool was still on. Just then it was the understanding that we were all going. I know he wants to see me again. I also know he was nervous and shy yesterday - it was obvious.
boogieboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I wanted to lighten the pressure. We all met for an hour, and he was so quiet. When we spoke briefly on the phone, we got those strange weird silences and I didn't know what to say. Obviously I wasn't going to keep having my friends around after tonight, but I haven't really seen his personality, and I thought maybe it would open it up more if some common friends where there. You know the deal DG. Go ahead out for coffee with the guy. If he's to socially inept to help you keep the conversation going, he might be too much of a dud, get it over with. hes a guy, hes supposed to take charge of the situation. He shouldnt need your friends to open up, dont you think?
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 You know the deal DG. Go ahead out for coffee with the guy. If he's to socially inept to help you keep the conversation going, he might be too much of a dud, get it over with. hes a guy, hes supposed to take charge of the situation. He shouldnt need your friends to open up, dont you think? LOL The thing that sucks about boring people is they stay boring.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 You know the deal DG. Go ahead out for coffee with the guy. If he's to socially inept to help you keep the conversation going, he might be too much of a dud, get it over with. hes a guy, hes supposed to take charge of the situation. He shouldnt need your friends to open up, dont you think? We already did the coffee thing yesterday, like I posted. And I did feel quite shy yesterday myself. This isn't how I normally meet guys. It was a new situation for me, which makes me a little more introvert.
carhill Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Also, I've been finding myself putting my walls back up a bit. I'm more hesitant to dates. I could have went out on two last week, and I didn't. I was starting to look forward to this, but feel standoffish about it now. I don't know why. Grrrr. Go with that and don't beat yourself up. Life isn't linear. When you're open to examining the 'why', do it. Trust yourself
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Don't listen to carhill Hes boring and empathetic
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 LOL The thing that sucks about boring people is they stay boring. My friends boyfriend (who is very good friends with the guy) said straight out he is not normally a quiet type. He's normally very outgoing, that he could tell he was nervous, and when my friend and I went in to get our coffee, the dude even told his friend he was nervous. I know my friends well, and they know me well. They wouldn't make crap up. And it's not that anyone is trying to go back to the he said she said high school crap. It's just a different situation all around that nor him or I are used to.
carhill Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Don't listen to carhill Hes boring and empathetic Yup, like a cat. Watch out for the claws
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Look - the point of the thread isn't "is he interested or not". I believe he's interested. My question and thoughts are do I still want to go tonight. The friends boyfriend already called him and told him he wont be going. Then he called me and let me know. I'm waiting on my friend. I'd feel more at ease if she was still going. A lot of this has to do with me. I want to be back into the dating scene, but I feel standoffish about it, since the thing back in September. And if you don't know the story, please stop cracking your little "LOL" posts, because that gives no insightful or helpful advice to this post.
northstar1 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 well dg, if you are feeling a bit unsure, or 'standoffish', then just don't go. no point in going out if you are not going to be in a receptive mood or feeling like opening up. im sure there will be another group outing soon.
carhill Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 When you 'want' to be back in the dating scene, you will be. You've had some great times and met some good people since moving to CO, so positive energy is within you. Everything in its own time. If you want a direct answer, I wouldn't go out with the guy this evening. The combination of the dynamic and being on the fence as far as dating in general would be counterproductive to anything positive, IMO. He'll still be around. They always are
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 i'd go if i were you... a shy guy can be most appealing if you do this right. even if he's not saying something - it doesn't have to be a deficit. maybe the guy is one who doesn't pretend maybe he doesn't try to manipulate women maybe he isn't a player if nothing else - his body language should tell you what his intentions are... words or no words. this could be reason enough to go! be yourself! tell him up front if you are nervous or on edge - that will help... get past these hurdles - shy guys can be awesome for a number of reasons!
threebyfate Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Have you thought about the possibility that the other two are jamming out, so you can be alone with this guy?
tigressA Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Have you thought about the possibility that the other two are jamming out, so you can be alone with this guy? That's what I was thinking. I second this possibility. And I think you should go. This time could be very different and you could have fun; you never know. If you're still not feeling comfortable after, then you'll know you at least gave it a fair shot.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 i'd go if i were you... a shy guy can be most appealing if you do this right. even if he's not saying something - it doesn't have to be a deficit. maybe the guy is one who doesn't pretend maybe he doesn't try to manipulate women maybe he isn't a player if nothing else - his body language should tell you what his intentions are... words or no words. this could be reason enough to go! be yourself! tell him up front if you are nervous or on edge - that will help... get past these hurdles - shy guys can be awesome for a number of reasons! Well he was facing towards me the entire time. I text the guy and told him I heard the friend wasn't going, to see if he was still planning on going. Haven't heard back from him yet. Well I agree, that maybe I shouldn't go if I'm feeling on the fence, at the same time, will I ever stop feeling on the fence if this has more to do with my thoughts and feelings of last September if I don't try to move forward?
threebyfate Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I also think dreamer needs to get back on the horse, so she gets back onto solid ground, which includes trust in herself. The longer you hold off, the more insurmountable that wall gets. Keep in mind that she's also got Lexapro to prevent or mitigate something similar happening, as in the prior incident.
Author dreamergrl Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Have you thought about the possibility that the other two are jamming out, so you can be alone with this guy? That's what I was thinking. I second this possibility. And I think you should go. This time could be very different and you could have fun; you never know. If you're still not feeling comfortable after, then you'll know you at least gave it a fair shot. I was kind of thinking of this too. Maybe there would be less pressure as well with no friends hanging around watching what happens.
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