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Do I Have to Become a Jerk to Get a Guy?


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Posted

And yes, I'm being serious with this question. For starters, I'm gay. The first guy I ever dated was a HUGE jerk. After I'd fallen for him, he informed me that he had a boyfriend living in another state and that he wanted to be with him and not me. I was heartbroken, but worse yet, I was an idiot, because I kept fooling around with him for MONTHS after he told me. He was constantly back-and-forth about how he felt about me, and it was an emotional roller coaster before he finally just stopped fooling around with me.

 

This guy, Jake, eventually cheated on his boyfriend a couple other times and ended up dumping his boyfriend. And now Jake has a new boyfriend, and I've heard from several people that this guy and Jake are perfect for each other, that they're hopelessly in love, that they're so cute together, blah blah blah.

 

I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I've been told by many people that I'm a very attractive guy. I've dated a lot of guys (even though I come from a rural, conservative area), but nothing has ever worked out. I've never even got to the "boyfriend" point yet. I always get dumped before that comes along.

 

I just don't understand why a genuine, good-hearted guy like me is still single and can't find a guy who actually likes me, while Jake (a cheater, a liar, and a two-faced jerk) has guys chasing after him constantly wanting to be his boyfriend. So I have to wonder.... do I have to become a jerk like him in order to get a boyfriend??

Posted

LOL

 

IM sorry, but theres something ironic/funny about a guy complaining about other guys not wanting to make a commitment.

 

All we need now is a lesbian poster complaining her gf wont ever tell her whats really bothering her.

Posted

Elijah, dont change yourself to get what you think you want. Go for a nice guy like yourself. Leave the bad boys alone. Dont get sucked into the addiction vortex of wanting people that you cant have.

Posted

Unless the gay community is different, within the heterosexual community, to find a truly compatible partner isn't that easy. One thing though, if you don't assert personal boundaries, you'll always be treated like dirt, since you teach people how to treat you.

 

Say someone treats you like crap. If you continue to take it, what reasons do they have to treat you any better? Forgiveness is a wonderful quality to have but when someone displays repetitive bad behaviours towards you, it's up to you to cut bait.

Posted (edited)

I would consult with my hairdresser about this, but I know he's going through a break-up just now so I'm trying to avoid him. He lives the gay stereotype - so much so that it's hard work to find anything approximating a genuine individual in there sometimes. He gets bitchy when he's been drinking (horribly so). He wears every latest romantic drama like a badge of honour on his chest. He wears his desire to sleep with every handsome man in sight on his sleeve. He wears me out with his incessant chatter about it all. He's a good hairdresser though.

 

Next example springing to mind. Former tennis instructor. In a "steady" relationship with a guy, but our lessons would always be interrupted mid-flow so that he could check his phone for naughty messages from other men. Messages he insisted on sharing with me.

 

What both men have in common is this: High levels of narcissism. Very pretty people are often narcissistic, if their parents haven't had their feet planted firmly on the ground. That's what happens when they grow up being surrounded by adults who coo over what beautiful children they are. They become adults themselves, but they want to carry on getting the kind of attention that pretty children get so easily. The easiest way of getting it is to be promiscuous and to make a big noise about being promiscuous. When you spend time around a narcissist, you are expected to pander to all that. To find their behaviour cute, outrageous, entertaining etc etc. Be the cooing adult to their centre-of-stage child.

 

I've dated one man who was a narcissist. He was straight, but he camped it up so often that sometimes I wondered whether he was being honest about his sexuality. Now, in retrospect, I realise that his behaviour was narcissistic rather than gay. It's just that people are naturally inclined to associate one with the other (often they do seem to go together. I mean, gay parades? What's that about, other than men putting on a pretty dress and getting a lot of attention - admiring or outraged, it doesn't matter which).

 

I think what you're really asking here is....should you cultivate that kind of narcissistic persona that seems to have so much fun in life? Should you do that in order to get laid more often? I can see the temptation, but the essence of a narcissist is that there is no real essence. Narcissism is a denial of the true self in a bid to present the world with something it is more likely to find interesting, entertaining and cool.

 

We've all got a bit of the narcissist about us, but for most people the narcissism is tempered by things like self awareness and empathy. That's what creates genuine love (by which I mean platonic as well as romantic). If you have one person in a couple who lacks those traits, then you don't have a genuine loving relationship. Just a charade of one, when the narcissist feels like switching it on.

 

Is that who you want to be? If your primary goal in life is to get laid a lot, then go for it - because there's no doubt that narcissists get a lot of action. If you want to hold out for genuine relationships with people who matter to you then don't.

 

My advice would be to put on a bit of a narcissistic show for flirtation purposes with guys you've just met and are attracted to. After all, in the initial meeting stages it's best to keep things light.... but don't let narcissism take over your personality to the point where that's all you are. A bit of narcissistic posturing can make a person (male or female, gay or straight) look quite cool and fun - but if there's nothing real underneath it all, then how can they ever form a meaningful bond with another person?

Edited by Taramere
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Posted

Is that who you want to be? If your primary goal in life is to get laid a lot, then go for it - because there's no doubt that narcissists get a lot of action. If you want to hold out for genuine relationships with people who matter to you then don't.

 

 

I'm not the kind of guy who just goes out and tries to have sex with everyone who comes along. I WANT to find someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with me. The thing is, all these guys my ex has been with want that, too. But he is incapable of being faithful--- and yet he has guys beating the crap out of each other to be his boyfriend. And here I sit, all alone, even though I would treat the person I'm with like gold and never, ever cheat on them. So yes, I want a genuine relationship. But I feel like my ex just one-ups me every time he gets a new boyfriend.

Posted
And yes, I'm being serious with this question. For starters, I'm gay. The first guy I ever dated was a HUGE jerk. After I'd fallen for him, he informed me that he had a boyfriend living in another state and that he wanted to be with him and not me. I was heartbroken, but worse yet, I was an idiot, because I kept fooling around with him for MONTHS after he told me. He was constantly back-and-forth about how he felt about me, and it was an emotional roller coaster before he finally just stopped fooling around with me.

 

This guy, Jake, eventually cheated on his boyfriend a couple other times and ended up dumping his boyfriend. And now Jake has a new boyfriend, and I've heard from several people that this guy and Jake are perfect for each other, that they're hopelessly in love, that they're so cute together, blah blah blah.

 

I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I've been told by many people that I'm a very attractive guy. I've dated a lot of guys (even though I come from a rural, conservative area), but nothing has ever worked out. I've never even got to the "boyfriend" point yet. I always get dumped before that comes along.

 

I just don't understand why a genuine, good-hearted guy like me is still single and can't find a guy who actually likes me, while Jake (a cheater, a liar, and a two-faced jerk) has guys chasing after him constantly wanting to be his boyfriend. So I have to wonder.... do I have to become a jerk like him in order to get a boyfriend??

 

I'm not going to lie, this is a strange situation - to me anyway. If it were girls you are interested in, I would say no, you don't have to become a jerk or what not. In fact most of the time when guys try to do that people see right through the farse act anyway, and he's in an even worse position.

 

Since I have no experience in your area, I would just recommend the same I guess. Just be yourself. Maybe a more confident, carefree version of yourself. I'm not sure how it goes in guy-guy world. But that's my advice. GL.

Posted

You need to keep three things in mind.

 

Number one: people don;t owe it to us to like us just because we think we're great guys. I just say that to remind you there's no moral economy operating in the universe. People don't get things just because they should.

 

Number two: people like your friend Jake SEEM successful because they are slick manipulators who know how to sniff out people they can con. You are clearly a very different personality type. Don't make him your role model.

 

Number three: You are a man who dates men. I don't happen to be gay, but one of my best friends is, and he once said something I think was brimming with insight. And it was this: gay men tend to treat each other the way straight men treat women.

 

Did you know that for most straight guys, having a GF is NOT the ideal situation? For most guys, having a FWB is the ideal situation. What most straight guys--especially younger straight guys--really want is sex with no strings, not a relationship. I suspect this is true among many, many gay guys as well. You're gonna have to wade through a lot of NSA-loving airheads before you find someone genuinely suited to you, I suspect.

 

Best of luck.

Posted
I would consult with my hairdresser about this, but I know he's going through a break-up just now so I'm trying to avoid him. He lives the gay stereotype - so much so that it's hard work to find anything approximating a genuine individual in there sometimes. He gets bitchy when he's been drinking (horribly so). He wears every latest romantic drama like a badge of honour on his chest. He wears his desire to sleep with every handsome man in sight on his sleeve. He wears me out with his incessant chatter about it all. He's a good hairdresser though.

 

Next example springing to mind. Former tennis instructor. In a "steady" relationship with a guy, but our lessons would always be interrupted mid-flow so that he could check his phone for naughty messages from other men. Messages he insisted on sharing with me.

 

What both men have in common is this: High levels of narcissism. Very pretty people are often narcissistic, if their parents haven't had their feet planted firmly on the ground. That's what happens when they grow up being surrounded by adults who coo over what beautiful children they are. They become adults themselves, but they want to carry on getting the kind of attention that pretty children get so easily. The easiest way of getting it is to be promiscuous and to make a big noise about being promiscuous. When you spend time around a narcissist, you are expected to pander to all that. To find their behaviour cute, outrageous, entertaining etc etc. Be the cooing adult to their centre-of-stage child.

 

I've dated one man who was a narcissist. He was straight, but he camped it up so often that sometimes I wondered whether he was being honest about his sexuality. Now, in retrospect, I realise that his behaviour was narcissistic rather than gay. It's just that people are naturally inclined to associate one with the other (often they do seem to go together. I mean, gay parades? What's that about, other than men putting on a pretty dress and getting a lot of attention - admiring or outraged, it doesn't matter which).

 

I think what you're really asking here is....should you cultivate that kind of narcissistic persona that seems to have so much fun in life? Should you do that in order to get laid more often? I can see the temptation, but the essence of a narcissist is that there is no real essence. Narcissism is a denial of the true self in a bid to present the world with something it is more likely to find interesting, entertaining and cool.

 

We've all got a bit of the narcissist about us, but for most people the narcissism is tempered by things like self awareness and empathy. That's what creates genuine love (by which I mean platonic as well as romantic). If you have one person in a couple who lacks those traits, then you don't have a genuine loving relationship. Just a charade of one, when the narcissist feels like switching it on.

 

Is that who you want to be? If your primary goal in life is to get laid a lot, then go for it - because there's no doubt that narcissists get a lot of action. If you want to hold out for genuine relationships with people who matter to you then don't.

 

My advice would be to put on a bit of a narcissistic show for flirtation purposes with guys you've just met and are attracted to. After all, in the initial meeting stages it's best to keep things light.... but don't let narcissism take over your personality to the point where that's all you are. A bit of narcissistic posturing can make a person (male or female, gay or straight) look quite cool and fun - but if there's nothing real underneath it all, then how can they ever form a meaningful bond with another person?

is this your hairdresser?

 

http://blog.ugo.com/images/uploads/Bruno-Pose.jpg

Posted

LMAO!!!! burning 4 revenge!!!!!!!:lmao::lmao::lmao:!!!!!

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