justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I recently came up to Alaska to spend time with a girl that I had known. There has always been an attraction between the two of us and after a couple weeks we moved beyond just friends. That was about three weeks ago. In the past week we have had several talks due to her being hesitant and confused about her own feelings. This is her first relationship since being engaged and then finding out that she was being cheated on. She says she isn't sure if she is ready for another commitment right now. But at the same time she has told me that I am everything that her ex was not. My question is how long do I wait? How hard do I press her for a decision? Is her behavior normal or is it a sign of something else? I am leaving Alaska in a few days to spend time with family and I'm not sure what after that. I have shared my feelings about the relationship. I have never been in a situation like this and need some advice. I would stay in Alaska, but I think I would lose my sanity since I have absolutely no distractions here.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Is it normal for a person recently out of a serious relationship to be an emotional wreck unable to return a similar level of affection and emotional/actual commitment? Yes Thats why you shouldnt date them, or barring that, become emotionally attached to such people. On the plus side, as soon as shes done screwing with your head enough, she will probably be able to enter a healthy relationship with the next guy she meets.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Also stop trying to treat feelings like mathematics. They dont reach predictable logical sums. me +Loving + considerate + understanding = greater than the ex = she should easily get over him and want to be with me. It will never work that way regardless of how much you hope it will. He could of ignored her, stole money from her, slept with her gf, and it still wont make her feelings disappear as soon as youd like, and until they do, she cant return to you what she doesnt have to give. What will happen though is she will associate her inability to be happy despite you, forget about him despite you, and the lingering pain despite you, as feelings you engender in her. All despite her probably logically knowing you are a better match for her. Like Pavlovs dog, she is being trained to think you arent right for her. Getting mad at her for something she cant control is a pointless exercise. As is almost always waiting around until she gets over it.
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 I do not think that she is an emotional wreck. It has been nearly two years for her and our relationship didn't just suddenly spring up.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 "This is her first relationship since being engaged and then finding out that she was being cheated on." And its been two years? Burned once, doesnt weant to be burned again? Or just enjoying the freedom? How long was she with the other guy?
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 She was only with him a couple years. We have both been traveling and working in various places for the past few years. She has definitely enjoying her freedom, which is why she is up in Alaska working when she is from Alabama. We met while working together for a summer in Idaho.
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 I think that part of the difficulty is that we have no separation right now in Alaska. We are with each other everyday. It is not a conventional type of relationship. For me to give her time I literally have to leave Alaska.
WTRanger Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 . On the plus side, as soon as shes done screwing with your head enough, she will probably be able to enter a healthy relationship with the next guy she meets. It has been a long time since I've seen such a harsh truth said so perfectly on LS. OP, I give your situation 100-0 odds that she does this to you. If she was interested in you, she would do whatever it takes to be with you. Relationships are not confusing, only the relationships that do not actually exist are confusing.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Don't know what to tell you bro. She would of lost me at " I live in Alaska" It may seem like an unreasonable outlook to some, but it saves me endless effort writing " I moved to another state to be with a girl, and things arent working out threads.":love:
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Well I am going home in a few days so I am going to lay it out that if she wants to pursue this, then she needs to make the move. I will deal with it as such and begin to move on.
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 It's not that either of us really live anywhere. We don't have a home other than where our family is as we both work seasonal jobs that take us all across the country. Her job here is done at the end of the month but she is housesitting for a couple weeks after that.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 It has been a long time since I've seen such a harsh truth said so perfectly on LS. OP, I give your situation 100-0 odds that she does this to you. If she was interested in you, she would do whatever it takes to be with you. Relationships are not confusing, only the relationships that do not actually exist are confusing. People are funny. They cant ever recognize in the behavior of others what they themselves have done countless times before. A few months out, the charm and natural energy/excitement of "newness" has worn off, replaced by a more realistic view of the other person, now they dont know what to do. But he/she told me they loved, it was the greatest feeling they had in the world, we connected like never before. They cant tell the other person now, after so many protestations of undying love and affection, holy **** I have no idea what I was thinking at the time,probably some combination of lust and excitement, I confused for genuine love,that has since worn off, and Im really sorry having todl you all those things. My bad. Btw , really sorry I made you move all the way out here. Boy am I red faced.
Boundary Problem Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 She says she isn't sure if she is ready for another commitment right now. But at the same time she has told me that I am everything that her ex was not. My question is how long do I wait? How hard do I press her for a decision? Is her behavior normal or is it a sign of something else? Just live your own life and don't put any pressure on her. When she is ready for a relationship she will let you know. How about using skype and other things to keep in touch. Don't put your life on hold for someone who isn't sure if they want to commit to you. If she sees you moving on she'll know pretty quickly if she is ready for a relationship with you, or perhaps she needs more time.
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 jerseyboy - I don't think it is as simply as your responses make it out to be. They seem to be automatic. It isn't that there are no feelings and the newness is gone or that she is an emotional wreck that is using me to get over the pain. The source of the confusion of feelings is much more complicated. One of the points that made us slow down in the first place and think about the relationship on a deeper level was our spiritual compatibility. We had previously discussed spirituality a year earlier in a different context but as we found out just two nights ago, we actually are far closer than we had thought. But the relationship had already lost some momentum at this point, it was enough for her to become hesitant due to her past relationship. She has always been careful with her feelings. She doesn't avoid them, but is reluctant to show them. I don't want to pressure her into sharing these feelings, but at the same time I need it for myself. I don't want to give her an ultimatum of some type. I think I might just have to get her to share some of her feelings so that we can work through them. Last night I talked with her a bit about her feelings and she certainly has feelings for me, but that is about all the depth that I got out of the conversation.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 jerseyboy - I don't think it is as simply as your responses make it out to be. They seem to be automatic. It isn't that there are no feelings and the newness is gone or that she is an emotional wreck that is using me to get over the pain. The source of the confusion of feelings is much more complicated. One of the points that made us slow down in the first place and think about the relationship on a deeper level was our spiritual compatibility. We had previously discussed spirituality a year earlier in a different context but as we found out just two nights ago, we actually are far closer than we had thought. But the relationship had already lost some momentum at this point, it was enough for her to become hesitant due to her past relationship. She has always been careful with her feelings. She doesn't avoid them, but is reluctant to show them. I don't want to pressure her into sharing these feelings, but at the same time I need it for myself. I don't want to give her an ultimatum of some type. I think I might just have to get her to share some of her feelings so that we can work through them. Last night I talked with her a bit about her feelings and she certainly has feelings for me, but that is about all the depth that I got out of the conversation. Bro Like I said Shed of lost me at move to Alaska. Honestly, people are unrealistic. How many relationships are going to work out. If Im her right now Im freaking because you were living there, and it isnt like you can just drive and go back to your place, because I let/encouraged you to come out here. Now how do I clean up this mess? Probably a lot fo the same ways she apears to be doing
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 well the thing is that in the past three years I have gone from wi to va, ca, wi, ca, va, alaska, wi, mt, id, fl, id, and now back to alaska. traveling is what I do. perhaps this is part of the confusion about long term relationshp that i need to explore.
ADF Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I think you need to put some of your feelings aside for a moment and look at this rationally. First of all, you said you went to Alaska to see this woman. Does that mean you live in another state? If so, how practical is it to pursue her? Trust me, LDRs are almost always doomed to failure. Unless you can be near her soon, you may be setting yourself up for serious heartbreak. Second, telling someone, "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship now" is almost always a brush off. It usually means the person is that not that into you but isn't brave enough to just say so. I don;t know this woman, so this may or may not be true in your case. But it is usually true.
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 (edited) post removed Edited November 21, 2009 by justin_21 duplicate, didn't see other post worked
Author justin_21 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 (edited) I think you need to put some of your feelings aside for a moment and look at this rationally. First of all, you said you went to Alaska to see this woman. Does that mean you live in another state? If so, how practical is it to pursue her? Trust me, LDRs are almost always doomed to failure. Unless you can be near her soon, you may be setting yourself up for serious heartbreak. Second, telling someone, "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship now" is almost always a brush off. It usually means the person is that not that into you but isn't brave enough to just say so. I don;t know this woman, so this may or may not be true in your case. But it is usually true. Well I had just finished a seasonal job working for the forest service in Idaho and was planning to take the winter off with no plans on where to go next. I don't live anywhere right now. On the second point, I agree although she hasn't said that she isn't ready(I stated this in the first post but it is more of my impression). I need to explore this further and get her to share her feelings. Edited November 21, 2009 by justin_21
Balthazar Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I read something about spirituality.... Unless she is somehow related to the Dalai Lama, most chicks are not that spiritual. They usually go for the guy who gets them nice and wet....you can talk spirituality all you want after you've made love. I guarantee she will be a better listener at that point in time! Moral: Don't waste time on emotionally unavailable women(been there....done that ). Find single women who are into you and have a good time!
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