Scarlett513 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 My situation is this: Within the past few weeks I started dating 3 different guys. Due to geography, I don't usually have many dating prospects, so I'd really like to give them all a chance. The timing is awful, as I haven't really dated anyone at all in the past 6 months, but I guess I shouldn't complain. I wouldn't have planned it this way but it's just how it worked out. There's one guy who I seem to like the best, the second guy who is a very good friend of a friend, who is awesome but I'm not sure the chemistry is there, and the 3rd guy I think I like but I don't know him very well yet. My question is how to handle all of this. I've heard that I'm supposed to tell them all I'm dating multiple people and be upfront, but I'm not sleeping with any of them and don't plan to until I've made some kind of decision. It's only been a few dates with each of them and I feel like we're still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage. Is it wrong not to tell them outright? I feel like non-exclusivity should be assumed until there's a relationship discussion.... I don't want to lead anyone on or cause problems, especially with the friend of a friend, as he is a really awesome guy and we also have group events coming up where I will see him. I'm worried about things being awkward if things don't pan out with him, and I don't know if I'm handling this the right way.
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 You are right to worry. Regardless of what is suppsoed to be, as you arent exclusive, people do get hurt and weirded out when someone is seeing other people. They become so precisely because they dont feel yoiu are as into them as they may be becoming for you. Its hard to invest too much emotionally, as painful as the consequnces are, when the other person is still seeing others. Some people try harder when thats the case. A lot close off to the other person as well. These guys are essentially friends if you arent having intimate contact with them. You may wish to push the boundaries of honesty and say when you arent with them, you are out with a friend. But its shady youll have to decide. Know this though, whatever youre doing with one guy, hell likely assume you are doing the same with the others. So if it does become "more" and he knows you are dating others....good luck with that one
Tayla Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 You are handling it in a way that works for your lifestyle. Yes be upfront as this leaves no after affect of "Why didn't you tell me " type talk. You have a wonderful opportunity to delve into the foundation of relationships, The trust, the honesty, the companionship. No harm there and I wish you well and hope you enjoy the experiences. I will caution you that some folks are more exclusive in the dating scene so be open to them saying this isn't for them. Best to you
dave22 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I think non-exclusivity should be assumed until you discuss it with someone otherwise. The problem is, not everyone may see it that way. If you are wanting to remain friends with any of these guys after (and it seems you are with at least one of them), it would probably be best to be up front about the fact you are also seeing other people.
Ody Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I feel like non-exclusivity should be assumed until there's a relationship discussion.... Yes this is a reasonable assumption. Especially since you're not sleeping with any of them. I don't think you need to worry.
carhill Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I don't see any red flags here but would like to ask a couple of questions: 1. What has been your experience in the past proactively ending contact with someone you've been dating? Is that pretty easy for you to do? How do you feel about that? 2. Imagine the guy you like the most dating another woman at the same time he's dating you. How do you feel about that? I'm not promoting serial monogamy here but rather am interested in how you feel about relationship dynamics. IMO, it's important to act in a way that is positive for *you*. If you feel positive about this dynamic, I'd say continue and enjoy. If other, examine why and perhaps make changes to match up with how you feel. Back when I was single and multi-dated, I found the dynamic too complex for me to focus on the ladies adequately and give each the attention and interest I felt they deserved. Women are much better at multi-tasking than the typical man, so that may not be an issue for you. Best wishes
Author Scarlett513 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Thanks everyone for your input. Carhill, to answer your questions... I usually am able to handle ending things just fine, considering that when I'm ending it, it's usually with someone I don't want to or have to see again. I'm polite and honest and just tell it like it is. In this case, if I wind up having to end things with the "friend of a friend guy," I am going to feel awful. If I knew the guy I like the most was seeing other people (which he very well might be), I'd be upset, but I know I have no right to expect him not to after only a few dates. I realize that's hypocritical when I'm seeing others as well.
carhill Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I think, if you work to bridge the gap between those feelings, one an instance where you are in control and the other where you are not, you'll find a healthy middle ground. Both dynamics are potentials here. Awareness and acceptance are the key
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I think, if you work to bridge the gap between those feelings, one an instance where you are in control and the other where you are not, you'll find a healthy middle ground. Both dynamics are potentials here. Awareness and acceptance are the key Golden rule:)
Pizzaman81 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 My situation is this: Within the past few weeks I started dating 3 different guys. Due to geography, I don't usually have many dating prospects, so I'd really like to give them all a chance. The timing is awful, as I haven't really dated anyone at all in the past 6 months, but I guess I shouldn't complain. I wouldn't have planned it this way but it's just how it worked out. There's one guy who I seem to like the best, the second guy who is a very good friend of a friend, who is awesome but I'm not sure the chemistry is there, and the 3rd guy I think I like but I don't know him very well yet. My question is how to handle all of this. I've heard that I'm supposed to tell them all I'm dating multiple people and be upfront, but I'm not sleeping with any of them and don't plan to until I've made some kind of decision. It's only been a few dates with each of them and I feel like we're still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage. Is it wrong not to tell them outright? I feel like non-exclusivity should be assumed until there's a relationship discussion.... I don't want to lead anyone on or cause problems, especially with the friend of a friend, as he is a really awesome guy and we also have group events coming up where I will see him. I'm worried about things being awkward if things don't pan out with him, and I don't know if I'm handling this the right way. I think it's fine as long as you know your limits! In the past I was "dating" a few girls at the same time. It's all about your definition of dating. I wasn't smooching on all of them, in fact none of them when I was dating all of them. I considered my first phase of dating of just learning about each other, having fun, see who clicks with me or not. Then once I start getting a feeling of I prefer this one better than the other one, well I stop dating the other ones and move forward. It's all about efficiency and pipe-lining. Time is short, we only got 4 minutes!
pandagirl Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Since you're still in the "getting to know you" stage, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing. But I think as soon as sex enters the equation, it'd be my opinion to let the other two guys what's up.
mortensorchid Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 There's nothing wrong with being with multiple people, especially when you are still in the "get to know you" stages. Just meeting for dinner, drinks, etc. However, here's a tip for you : Keep the names strait and make sure you don't accidentally double book times with them. This real jerk I unfortunately met online last year texted me a few times calling me the wrong name. I decided to overlook it. Calling me by the wrong name isn't the worst thing he could have done, but when he got me on the phone and did nothing but question me about my sexual habits and then texted me the next day out of the blue with "F*** you w****", THAT was the worst thing he could have done. Just an FYI.
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