3 months of a near perfect relationship...until now

[learning to deal]

So I met this girl that I clicked with like no one else. Our personalities line up so well together! We don't argue, don't fight, I'm the first guy her sister has ever said she likes and her sister has even made comments as well as her parents about us getting married one day. We were spending literally every day together which I have never done before. She has told me over and over that she has never felt this way with anyone besides me...and even made me promise early in the relationship to fight for her because she is worried she will get scared and try to walk away from this because it frightens her to be so vulnerable and she knows I could hurt her.

 

She is 23 and I'm 26. She was engaged once and has always been so up front and honest with me from the beginning about everything. I have felt this entire time that we were a perfect match. Well the thing that had been on our minds from the beginning is that she is moving

to France next September. She will be there for at least six

months but has always wanted to live there because she wants to teach English classes. We both agreed that if we were still

together by then, we would figure that out...and as great ad our lives together and relationship have lined up so far, I never worried about it.

 

Well she's putting in for her papers and has a visa that will allow her to stay as long as she finds a job after her initial six months of being there. She lives and breathes France...and says she can't see mr happy being there. Last time she went she was engaged and she felt unsure of her feelings and ended up breaking up with the guy. Over the last two weeks, as she is getting more info

about her move there, she says she has felt unsure about the two of us. She says she doesn't always feel the spark.

She does at times but not always. She says she loves me but doesn't

know if she is in love with me.

 

We haven't spoken much over the last couple of days but she keeps texting me saying she misses me badly and how strange it is not to see me or talk to me. We saw one another last night and talked. She said she had butterflies when she saw me but also felt sick because she doesn't know why she feels this way and she hates it. She says she does not want to break up

and she kept saying that she wants to figure this out and

make this work...but she doesn't know what to do.

 

I ultimately feel France has a huge play in the fact she obviously wants to go but doesn't know if I would be happy if I went too...I told her I've never been but have always wanted to go. I'm more than willing to

go and have already picked up French books and looked into what I need to do to prepare. Is there any hope left for this to work? What are we supposed to do? Even last night she kept texting me

how much she cares for me and doesn't want

to hurt me....she's already texting mr this morning saying she wants to solve this and make it work.

 

Sorry this is so long but I want to try

to provide as much info as possible....thanks for listening and I hope someone here has some good advice

Edited November 21, 2009 by learning to deal

[BobSacamento]

She knows what she is doing. She knows she might meet some nice young gentlemen while there and she doesn't want to feel guilty. She doesn't want any strings attached while there.

 

I would propose a break for the 6 months. It would probably be healthy for both of you. You don't want to sitting around wondering what she's doing there, who she's seeing. Go out and have fun. Meet up after the six months and start again.

[learning to deal]

Ive thought of that too. But she isn't going there until late in 2010. And with her working how she will be working, she honestly won't have a ton of free time with college and all.

 

She again has told me this morning she wants to figure this out and be together and solve all of this because she has never known anyone or anything better.

 

I have no question I love her. I've never been so happy and have never had such a smooth relationship. I can think of a million reasons why we should keep pursuing this and her feelings were never in question until the reality of France has hit her as of late...do I really walk away now? Do you think time apart would help her figure out any of this? She hasn't gone a single day yet without texting or calling me even though she initially asked for a couple of days to think. I just feel we would be walking away from

a great thing and great potential

[boogieboy]

She doesnt have anything to figure out, she knows that when she goes back to france she wont want you there. She already knows that she isnt in love with you and will never be in love with you, but she doesnt want to be alone or start over in a relationship with someone else and have to leave them too. I say you bail now, its three months in and she is already telling you that she is going to dump you, but without actually saying it, so she can save her guilt.

 

She either started seeing you because she thought she could fall in love with you and somehow you turned her off...

Or she used you so she wont be alone.

 

Right now she is warning you that you will get dumped soon, it might even be for someone else. Dont believe anything she says anymore, watch her actions, because so far it sounds like shes full of it.

[northstar1]

this sounds like an ex of mine.

 

i feel for you.

 

shes young and wants to explore the world without any attachments, that includes a relationship.

[WTRanger]

She's put herself in the starter blocks and she's getting ready to run away from you. She might be trying to stress you out so that you argue with her, which in turn gives her a guilt-free way to break up with you. This is EXACTLY like suicide by cop. Someone who is too chicken to end their own pathetic life pulls a gun on a cop so the cop is forced to kill them. It's spineless, cowardly and below sub-human behavior.

 

A gigantic red flag should have been her story about her previous fiance. She left him because SHE wasn't sure? That's BS! Everyone feels nervous before they get married. It is a huge step. But to leave someone? Cowardly!

 

She knows exactly what to say to keep you interested for the first 3 months. I don't think you did anything to cause this, though maybe you did. I just think you unfortunately got hooked up with a crazy-lady who wants to run for the hills anytime a relationship might actually take some work and God forbid commitment.

 

Think about it, 3 months is always right when the newness of a relationship starts to wear off. This is when the work stage comes in. Plainly put, she just doesn't care enough to work for it. But she hates looking at herself in the mirror and cannot stand her own thoughts so she's trying to push everything back onto you. So you feel guilty about things. I hate to say it, but its working right now.

 

Let her go to France, and let her screw up some Frenchy's life.

[learning to deal]

In my mind it's simple if what she says is true. If she doesn't want to break up, then let's stay together and see where it goes. If were together when she goes to France, then we will cross that bridge...because if we made it til then we would be in a different spot relationship wise. Plus she has only lived there for two months before...I think she's jumping to conclusions to assume off of that she would be so happy there. But maybe I'm wrong...

 

The other thing is if we make it to that point, we would be talking

about out next relationship level...possibly marriage...and that's what happened last time she went...the guy proposed to her before and she broke up with him shortly after getting there....but then she claims they fought all the time and had so many problems....so I don't feel it's fair to me to get scared by that

 

I spoil her. I take her out. I pay for a lot. So is she just trying to ease the pain for down the road when she says "this wont work" because she already sees it going that way? Maybe. She's never played any games and this has been a very mature relationship...so I guess I hoped we were above all that. I've thought of just dumping her but again I guess I feel there's something worth working toward. One comment she did make was she didn't want

to and had not discussed this with family or friends because she wants to make the decision....is this a cover to smooth it over with me temporarily so that others don't know what's happening?

 

She also is short on cash. Saving for France, job hours have been cut, decently wrecked her car and is paying for that....does holiday cash flow add more stress?

 

I've had so many problems attracting psychotic women that play games and take advantage of me. I know my feelings are real but my debate is....do I stick it out and try to see if this will work....or cut her off now and see what happens? having had girls play games, I feel I can usually see

it....and I feel she is being truthful....just scared which I can honestly understand with the history

 

She just called me saying she hates not seeing me...I usually brought her lunch on Saturday. Is she truthful or lying? I hope

the truth but we all know how hard it is to see when you're in

the midst of it

 

thanks for listening! Please keep the advice coming

[northstar1]

If she's not even willing to try the LDR with the fact you have a great relationship (incl marriage talk), then she's not very serious about it.

 

I'm reading between the lines, but she seems just to want to do what is in her best interest, everything she is giving you are excuses.

 

If she truly wanted to be with you and was thinking long term (which is rare at her age), she'd want to give it a go.

 

You deserve more mate.

[jerseyboy]

If she's not even willing to try the LDR with the fact you have a great relationship (incl marriage talk), then she's not very serious about it.

 

I'm reading between the lines, but she seems just to want to do what is in her best interest, everything she is giving you are excuses.

 

If she truly wanted to be with you and was thinking long term (which is rare at her age), she'd want to give it a go.

 

You deserve more mate.

 

 

They keep looking for a magic bullet. And the other person is never completely honest, out of some regard for hurting them, and they spend forever trying to rationalize throuhg the bs to find a way back.

 

Dude.

 

 

Women do not leave men they want to be with. They just dont.

 

Not only dont they leave, you cant f'ing get rid of them

 

They camp your phone, your house, show up at work, cry to your secretary for f'ks sake. Bother your friends, relatives everyone you know.

 

And if they arent outright thratening to kill themselves, they try to maneuver themselves into a "friendship" so they can stick around and keep bothering you with getting back together.

[WTRanger]

Does she hate not seeing you or the lunch that you bring? Is it you or your attention that she misses. I think part of this is that you've made yourself all too accessible to this girl. This is a very common mistake in the first few months of a relationship. I do it almost all of the time, but I keep learning from it the hard way. Its a hard thing not to do, you want to spend all of your time with this new person. But it severely skews how you view them. I think you might be missing some huge red flags with what she is saying.

 

Is she being really truthful or is it your skewed perspective that is wanting her to be telling the truth? Honestly, what does you gut say about this? I really don't see this ending well for you. But I'm not in your shoes and only know what you are telling us. I'm an outside observer.

[learning to deal]

That's ultimately the question here...does she miss the attention, me taking her out...or me? We stay at her parents or my place and hang out there a lot so it's not like I'm wining and dining her all the time. I won't see her today at all or tomorrow...and usually Saturdays and Sundays are days or us. I did this to see how she responds and also to allow myself to take a step back.

 

She is texting me more and saying good things...but I do completely see what you are all saying. I could get destroyed here if she isn't being truthful. Or maybe she has some serious issues that can be worked through...or maybe I am an idiot. Lol I'm going to try to back away a little and see what happens...that's the healthiest thing I can do for me right now I think so I can see where my head and heart are...and also how she responds to not having me texting her back right away or answering every time

 

it's hard for me because I'm so close to what's happening and did spend way too much time too fast...and I do realize everyone here can only know what I say. Thank you all for the suggestions. I guess we will see if she comes chasing after me now or if I feel better without her

[murphomatic]

it's hard for me because I'm so close to what's happening and did spend way too much time too fast...and I do realize everyone here can only know what I say. Thank you all for the suggestions. I guess we will see if she comes chasing after me now or if I feel better without her

I feel for you, LTD. I know EXACTLY how this works as I've recently done the same with a girl I dated for about 7 months.

 

In the beginning I shirked so many of my responsibilities in order to spend time with her..blew off work, and many other personal/life-maintenance duties and invested it all in her. It did us both a huge disservice, it established a level of expectation in her, which resulted in her feeling unfulfilled when I inevitably could not continue to ignore my work and my life in lieu of time with her.

 

It was MY failure to give her the tools she needed in the beginning to learn what constitutes "respect" for me. She grew to expect it all, all the time - because that's the person I led her to believe I was..and when I couldn't maintain giving it in maximum capacity like that, she felt ignored and neglected, and I felt disrespected when she couldn't understand WHY I had to work or otherwise maintain my life and self. I assumed she should naturally be able to understand this concept, but apparently I was incorrect. Maybe the fault lies with her or I, but I tend to think we both failed each other.

 

Sorry man. But you're doing the right thing. Step away for awhile so that you can both breathe and come back to reality. I would suggest explaining this entire concept to her. I look at it like this ... two people fall for each other because they both fall for who the other person is as a singularity - living their lives as a whole and complete person. This is typically how we meet and get to know each other ... you're both single and keeping your life on track - being a self-sufficient person. When you tie yourself to another, you change from that singularily into a composite, which can sometimes have the effect of losing sight of the person you were that the other initially fell in love with. It is SO IMPORTANT to maintain who you are as "you" when you're with someone. Explain to her that a little time/space would do you both good, allow you can focus back a bit on being the people you were in the beginning when things were so wonderful. You can miss each other a little more, and out of that, learn to appreciate each other more. As callous as it may sound, it's just like eating cake. It's a treat every now and then, but if you ate nothing but cake for every single meal, you'd grow very sick of it very quickly, and suffer negative side effects from it in many ways.

 

Good luck with everything -

[learning to deal]

Well she has called me three times in the last hour and has texted me twice. I haven't responded to any of it and I usually do right away...so I guess it's good that she has tried to get ahold of me. I still believe a little distance for each of us will clear up a few things. Thank you for all who responded. Everyone makes very valid points and gives me so much to think about...here's hoping I can figure out what's best for me

[learning to deal]

Well she continued to try and call a few more times last night but again I didn't answer or respond. I got a couple of texts this morning already too. I'm assuming those are good signs right? I texted her back this morning and said I hope she has a nice day today...to which she said she couldn't sleep last night and misses me.

 

I'm hoping she keeps this type of thing up and maybe even comes to my place...those types of things would show me she's serious. Guess time will tell