SoulSearch_CO Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I found this article on MSN and it really struck home for me. I COMPLETELY agree. I'm experiencing my first relationship with a guy that has the hunger/eagerness for growth and personal exploration and I LOVE it. It's a lot of fun. It also inspires me, as well, to make improvements. I haven't cared about trying to change him (like him the way he is) - we have open, honest communication with feedback about things to improve on. Absolutely one of the coolest things to ever experience with a partner. But anyway...here's the article. I'd love to hear what other people think and experiences. -------------------------------------------- The Number One Thing to Look for in a Partner Just because he's sexy, smart, charismatic and successful that doesn't mean you should date or marry him! Here's why what you've been looking for might not be the best thing to look for anymore. By Karen Salmansohn Are you prioritizing finding a partner who is sexy, smart, charismatic, successful-in-their-field right now? If so, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Mussolini fit your bill — but trust me, that doesn't mean you should date or marry them. In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I share an article from The New York Times about the psychology of evil which included "The Psychopath Checklist." Criminal psychiatrists use this helpful list to test the potential of someone being a hardcore psychopath, capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes. Guess which traits psychopaths share? Glibness, extreme charisma, the need to always be doing something, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and emotional unavailability. To my amusement, all these adjectives also described my now ex-Prince Harming boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, confident guy. But in the end, he turned out to be a two-faced cheater. What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character. Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict. If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings — then your relationship will always suffer! Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link — how a couple handles their challenges. The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue" — you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth." Basically, you must accept right here — right now — if you are going to be in happily ever after love, then your relationship must have a duo function. 1. "Den of pleasure" — for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need — so you can keep your soul alive with passion! 2. "Laboratory for growth" — the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another's "character development" — so you can both grow into your most esteemed selves - which is what Aristotle put forth was what true happiness was all about! Unfortunately, many people solely view a relationship as a place to experience pleasure — leaving out the soul-ly aspects of love — where you nurture each other to grow! In fact, when I ask the women I coach to describe what they're looking for in a partner, they always start off listing sexiness, funniness, smartness and wealthiness! But these are all personality traits — and pleasures of the body and ego — not character values which nurture the soul/core self. If you want to "live happily ever after in love" you must prioritize finding a man who: 1. Values growing as a person 2. Truly understands a relationship serves the double function of "den of pleasure" and "laboratory for growth" After all, if your partner doesn't value growth, he won't be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high integrity way. As a result, when those aforementioned disagreements, disappointments, stresses, crises, temptations, sadnesses, monetary-challenges, illnesses, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings arise, your relationship will suffer. Or worse, your partner will run for the hills — end of story, end of relationship. You know what's funny? How we all know that embracing strong character values really does matter in life and love. Yet, our world mostly offers relationship tips like: "Buy these sexy clothes!" "Be more successful!" "Tighten your buns!" Nobody ever comes out and says: "Yo! Value good strong character values in yourself and others!" I suppose that's because it takes more time, effort and patience to work on strengthening one's character values — and to truly understand another person's inner character — than it does to quickly buy a superficial new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner. Hence why you must prioritize getting to know a guy's inner character up-front — before you drop your guards — or even your panties. Yes, if you want to live happily ever after with a man, it's essential you prioritize strong character values over strong biceps. Remember, it's called "finding a soul mate" not "finding an ego mate"! And if you're going to connect soul to soul, you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice — thereby making you feel sad or happy. Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character. They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential. Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character. Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess. Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight — because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehim self. All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehim self (his character, his soul)? If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy. Your love life should not be your suffering life. The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life. I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: "Yum, yum! I want him!" Now I know better. Now I look at loving, happy couples — watch the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl — and think: "Yum, yum! I want that!" True love is a that — not a him. True love is not a wish list but a "wish feeling." And the number one feeling — even before the feeling of love — is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner's character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic — someone who values growing — so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him — and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves. Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn't be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome. By Karen Salmansohn from Oprah.com © 2009 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
A O Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Can't say that I'm particularly keen on people who peddle books on relationships. My number one is "behavior", how they treat people. That supersedes both looks and personalty. That's about the arse end of it for me. .
BlueHarvest Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Can't say that I'm particularly keen on people who peddle books on relationships. My number one is "behavior", how they treat people. That supersedes both looks and personalty. That's about the arse end of it for me. . I tend to agree, but only to an extent. This is at least better then some of the books I've heard of...like ones that tell women to make a man wait and all that crap. The ones that focus on one or the other person gaining power in a relationship make my blood boil. I take any advice from a book in stride, because like you said...they are peddling books. All advice is just that...advice. It's how you use it. You can use ANY type of advice, even bad advice. You can file it away in the "Things *NOT* to do" category in your mind.
Boundary Problem Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 The way they walk. It fascinates me. The way someone walks carries the essence of who they are (or what mood they are in that day).
A O Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I take any advice from a book in stride, because like you said...they are peddling books. All advice is just that...advice. It's how you use it. You can use ANY type of advice, even bad advice. You can file it away in the "Things *NOT* to do" category in your mind. Good point(s). I have a tendency of forgetting that I've pretty much seen it all. Like your user name. .
StalledGirl Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I like a mix and wouldn't be able to say one quality is more important than others although treating me right is close to the top. A relationships needs different things for different people. Sexual compatibility , personalities that don't clash so much that you end up arguing all of the time , matching intellects etc Then we all have are individual wants- I like height and above average intelligence , the ability to be silly is something I value too. Loyalty is a huge turn on for me and I hate the idea of cheating/open relationships as I like to almost own a partner and vice versa. I also need space so my partner would have to be unique and realise that i'm not the average woman , unfortunately.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Well, it's obvious nobody took the time to actually read the post. Because I asked for comment on the article and all anybody is responding to is the thread title.
Pizzaman81 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 1. "Den of pleasure" — for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need — so you can keep your soul alive with passion! Muahaha the DEN of PLEASURE. Welcome! Well we all hope for that person who grows as a person, always wants to improve, has good family values, sexy... look no further! I'm right here! yes i'm really that cocky... don't be like that.
Boundary Problem Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I thought the article was excellent. If you have good values with someone, then you both build the relationship you both want. It is when someone has bad values, you find yourself constantly reacting to sh-tty things and it derails any kind of growth in the either person. It all becomes about minimizing pain and inconvenience and managing their addictions or whatever the problem is. No energy or focus or creativity for forward movement (which is actually hard work). I hope to have the relationship the article described. I think you get the "feeling" the article was talking about by picking someone with good values. (and with whom you have the elusive 'spark')
threebyfate Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I agree with the article. Strength of character, integrity and ability to handle conflict in a manner that's communicative and resolution focused, as well as a billion other positive traits, are what made me fall in love with my H. He's sincerely like a rock, so solid inside of him.
CLC2008 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I agree with the article. Strength of character, integrity and ability to handle conflict in a manner that's communicative and resolution focused, as well as a billion other positive traits, are what made me fall in love with my H. He's sincerely like a rock, so solid inside of him. Soulsearch, excellent article...
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 It isnt that I disagree with the article. I think the general principles are likely correct. Just dont think its realistic to actual human interaction , or at least as I extrapolate. Frankly it strikes me as a fanatsized feminized ideal that women look at and think "how wonderful" Ask any woman what qualities she looks for in a man. List them. Now compare them to her current husband or bf. ........................................ Most every guy shes every gone out with ........................................... And now to the real nice guys shes dumped Hmmmmm Who fits the bill closer? The truth is most women are not very self aware, are very good at projection and assigning cause and blame to others, and rationalize their actions and choices to suit what they want to be tru of them Sure the same is true of guys.
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