tami-chan Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Oh my goodness...OP, you don't want someone like this..If I were you, I would text him this "Goodbye, please lose my phone number" or something similar....why text? because it is all he deserves. There is nothing to work on...unless of course you want to save him from himself---you stay because you believe he needs you and he continues to be the person that he is now-you do not want to be in a co-dependency situation. Good luck!
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 i'm happy for you and your healthy decision! way to go! you deserve more than this and better than this. always remember that you should require a man to treat you with respect and dignity and don't settle for anything less.
Boundary Problem Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? HE isn't here asking about himself - and hitting rock bottom.... SHE is here asking about him... and his behavior when he disappeared. how he treated her after he re-appeared and events of the past seem unacceptable to anyone expecting decency. Thank you for the feedback 2sunny. You are right I didn't express myself well at all. If you are breaking up with someone who has a diagnosis whose behaviour is unacceptable to you and has hit rock bottom, then pick up the phone and call their family before you do it. My sister has a diagnosis and I would hope that her SO would give me the courtesy of warning so I can put supports in place in the same circumstances (no matter what her behaviour was). Everyone should be treated with dignity, particularly someone you found special enough to date, and if the decision is made to exit the relationship - please contact someone they trust to help them. 2sunny's comments remind me not to juggle too many things at once, because I have a bad habit of incomplete answers when I'm distracted. So sorry for the poor communication.
mem11363 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Perhaps you could break up with him somewhere public - and have some friends scheduled to meet you there afterward. It is possible that he will behave badly. Your reaction to his behavior regarding his ex-girlfriend says a lot about you. Many women in this situation side with their BF's in a single minded - perhaps even mindless - fashion. You have real compassion for her and a good understanding of her side of the story. I have excellent judgement when it comes to women. I married once 20 years ago and still consider that to be the best decision (by far) I have ever made. With that said, you remind me in a very positive way of my better half. You are going to make some deserving guy very happy.... WOW, Mem, your posts are really insightful. It seriously DID feel, when he said the comment about his coworker, as if it was "calculated". Like, there was an intent behind it. I think, that more than anything, is what upset me about it. It felt like he was saying it for a PURPOSE--and that purpose was NOT a good one. My instincts were flashing big, bright red warning signs that were saying, "someone who has your best interest at heart would NOT be saying these things. And worse yet, it feels like he's doing it to HURT you...or devalue you...or make you feel beneath him." Like, it honestly felt as he had a little widdling tool, and was chipping away at my self esteem, with the purpose of breaking me down into a pile of rubble!! And being a complete right now...I did NOT like the idea of anyone trying to make me less of a person. I was well aware, that over time, with continued behavior like that, it would start to feel more and more normal until I just accepted it. Interesting you mention him using rejection as a weapon, too. His ex was an orphan. He always mentioned about how her biggest fear was rejection--so, it seems he knew how to play that card well! In my own history, I lost my father growing up, so deep down, rejection is very painful for me, too. And you have some valid concerns regarding safety. He's made some comments before which have not seemed appropriate. And even referring to his ex, who has not wronged him in any way, he is inappropriately angry and blaming towards her, saying harsh and cruel things. I often have to ask him to please be kind and respectful her...it hurts my heart to see the things he says to her...when she didn't do anything to him. He was obviously very cruel to her, and blamed her for all his actions. When she stood up to him, like you mentioned, it turned into an all out war--he wanted her to suffer. All I can see in his ex, is a woman who loved him, stood by him, and gave him all the chances in the world to be a good man, and finally gave up. Probably best I learn from her mistake as well--there's no reason for me to think, if she couldn't figure it out in a decade, that I could make things work. He's damaged. I will be careful.
Pizzaman81 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Send him my way, I'll drop kick him in the face.
kittenmittens23 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hi Katrina, I read your story and I almost blew a gasket. It's like I could feel what you were going through. Your bf sounds like a narcissist. Most likely told you the coworker story to get a rise out of you, to confirm you still cared. It will only get worse, and like you said it is a pattern. I dated someone eerily similar and I couldn't have one conversation with them without wanting to rip my hair out. It's always about him, you will always be waiting, wondering, analyzing their almost intentional cruelty. If you already broke up with him, you will be much happier guaranteed. Take care, KM
threebyfate Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Talk about a blatant pattern of dysfunctional behaviour. To do this to someone who loves you, is about as cruel as it gets. The sad reality is that someone like this, won't consider it cruel, since it's all about what works for him. Stay strong so you can walk away, Katrina. If you stay with him, it's downhill all the way. Good luck!
kara_melody Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I'd have gotten up out of bed and left. With out explaining why. I would have done the same thing. Gotten up out of bed and left. Probably using some choice words before hand. You have got to dump this guy it is obvious he doesn't respect you at all. It would probably be best to cut your losses and walk away before you become attached again. best of luck
TheBigQuestion Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 To the OP, if you were looking into buying a house with a guy you had only been dating for 5 months, I'm not sure who has the real problem here...Just saying.
Author Katrina65 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Thanks guys. Yea, I was thinking the narcissist description sounded pretty right on. I know that he says many people in his family are narcissists, so it would make sense, both nature and nurture wise. I have decided to stand strong and walk away. I've got too much going on in my life to waste any energy on drama. I'd rather be single and accomplish some things that are important to me, and leave a positive legacy in the world, than waste that energy on people who don't really deserve it. That is lost energy and time. And someday, if the right person comes along, I won't be with Mr. Wrong, which could prevent me from being with the right person. As for the buying a house together--he really pushed me on this issue to get him a house. He was very interested in how much money I had and my credit score. That was a huge red flag to me. I have recently returned to the country after some time away, and the housing market was at an all time low with the first time home buyer's incentive, so I considered purchasing a house merely because I needed a place to stay and the time was good. BUT. I felt REALLY pressured, and started to drag my feet in the sand, because I did NOT feel comfortable making that decision because of him. On the one hand, I of course wanted to be helpful to the person I was dating, and he wanted to move in with me and have cheap rent...but it felt he was a bit too eager, and not considering the future and possible problems that may arise. And frankly, I felt like I was probably just being used. Of course, living together would make things easier, as we both have very busy schedules, and live far apart, and commute time made it difficult to see each other often. But overall, I considered the fact that I didn't know him well enough AND the fact that he screwed his ex wife over in regards to their home (his credit score was bad, so he had her buy the house, then LEFT her with the house and all the bills). I strongly felt I'd be in the same boat if I bought a house, and didn't want to put myself in that position, so I told him no. That may be part of the reason he just walked out--I was of less use to him. I did hear him trying to talk one of his friends into buying a house (who was a female). Perhaps she DID get a house...and perhaps he wants to move in with her now! And maybe that's why he disappeared?! Who knows. I think the narcissistic streak is right though...I think as long as anyone is useful to him, that's when he'll stick around and be the charming, loving man he plays so well. If you can't give him what he desires, he's gone. That's my analysis at this point, anyhow.
sedgwick Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I know I'm always the Voice of the Bipolar around here, but your suggestion that he might be treating you the way he is because he's bipolar led me to respond. I have been so depressed I lay in bed all day, for days on end, contemplating suicide, but I have NEVER stopped speaking to the people I love for three weeks. Haven't done it when manic, either. I would consider it the height of rudeness to worry my SO sick by not speaking to them just because I was depressed. At the very, VERY least, I'd tell them I was depressed and needed to be alone but would call them if and when I came out of it. No psychiatric diagnosis is an excuse to be an as*hole.
Author Katrina65 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 BTW, we also both had dogs, and both the places we were living at did not want dogs around anymore--so we hoped to find a dog friendly place. We also wanted to cut down on bills, and were hoping that by renting together, we could save some money. I'd also already known him for several years, and explained if we did live together, I'd want to make a contract, as I knew it could end badly, and we'd have to go into it as responsible adults, knowing that our relationship could end at any time, and that we'd still be responsible for the lease and have to be civil. That, one of us could move out if it came to that, but rent would still be expected until a replacement roommate could be found. Even with those ideas I had, I still didn't feel comfortable though moving in with him yet, just because I was nervous about some of the red flags, and feared I was being used or would be taken advantage of. I knew he had a history of doing such to his ex wife, and wanted to be sure I wasn't another casualty. I know when things ended with his ex, he was quite insistent on using her and making her suffer...so, I had reason to believe, things would be no different with me if he decided suddenly he didn't care for me anymore. I wanted to protect myself and not jump into anything unwise.
Author Katrina65 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Thanks so much for the explanation, Sedwick. That makes a lot of sense. A diagnosis wouldn't be an excuse for disrespectful/a-hole behavior. I need to stop making excuses for him!
Author Katrina65 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 HOLY MOLY. I just wanted to thank all of you who responded to my post and bringing me to my senses at a time I was confused. I have been researching all night about narcissism/sociopathy/abusive relationships, and I think I really dodged a bullet on this one. Some stories I read about narcissistic partners hit SO deep. As hard as it is now to mourn the loss of what I thought was a wonderful man, it is SO much easier now than what I would have been in for. He is SO the narcissist poster child. He's told me many stories of things he's done in the past to his previous partners...that were literally so disturbing, I tried to brush it off as "hm, I must have misunderstood. Nobody would TRULY do that, and my God, if it was even possible to do that to another human, they wouldn't ADMIT to it! Especially without flinching!" And of course, then there was the "and that was in the past, I'm sure he wouldn't do that to me--we have a special bond!" denial. I'm certain this is exactly the same thing all his previous partners were saying in the beginning as well. Anyhow, just--thank you, everyone. I appreciate the reality check, reminding me that what I was experiencing was NOT normal. It's lead to some research, which in turn, has allowed me to do a 180...I don't want to go back. I'm standing strong on this one. I seriously owe you guys. I could have lost years of my life trying to figure him out, and trying to make things work. I'll try to do something positive for the world with my "free time" now:) Thank you again.
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