Feeling Annoyed. Would like Input.

[Katrina65]

Hey guys,

 

Something bothered me last night, and I'd like to get some opinions.

 

I've been dating a guy for about five months, and have known him and been friends with him for about three years. We have a great mental and physical connection. BUT, I do know he has a past as a womanizer. He claims things are "different"--he truly loves and respects me. Of course, being a logically minded person, I don't think a leopard changes their spots, but at the same time, want to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him since he is a friend and I have no evidence that he will cheat on me (other than the fact that he has cheated on everyone else...which is a pretty good indicator that he will cheat on me, too.). I've never felt suspicious of his behaviors around me though and have given him full trust--until he proves he doesn't deserve it, which he may have recently done.

 

So, things were going great. He wanted to move in with me. Was saying I was his soulmate and he'd never loved anyone so much. We bought a friggin' dog together. He made me feel very loved. Then WHAM--no warning, he dropped off the face of the planet for three weeks. I was very worried about him, as this was not like him at ALL (before this, he always contacted me dozens of times a day). I contacted him on three occasions (two times via text message, and once when I saw him log onto Facebook), asking him if he was doing alright, and wondering if he needed anything. At the very least, I wanted him to let me know he was safe (he has a dangerous job). To make matters worse, he knew I was going to be going through a VERY stressful week myself (possibly the most stressful of my life, and I could have used support)...so to leave me hanging like that, worrying about him, was nothing short of emotionally cruel timing wise.

 

Anyhow, he ignored my three contacts.

 

I contacted his friend, asking if he could at least confirm that he was safe, and he said that yes, he was fine...and probably was just trying to break up with me in a cowardly way. I told him that perhaps he was right--but it seemed so strange, as there was absolutely NO warning signs he was unhappy with our relationship. On the contrary, the day before, he was telling me how he'd never been happier, more connected, or loved anyone so much. He said that my boyfriend is a lot of drama, and has a cheating heart and is the type to act on it, and his suggestion would be to move on.

 

Anyhow, I waited. Waited. Waited. I eventually grieved most of the loss, even though there was no closure, and I was ready to move on. When suddenly, I get a random text from my boyfriend, saying his love and passion for me never faltered...that I am everything to him...and that he couldn't tell me about the last three weeks. That he was going through something...emotional...and he needed to be on his own. I told him that was fine, but at least a "hey, I need space" would have been much more respectful to me, as I have a life, too, and could have dealt with less stress and worry. He said he was sorry, but he didn't want to talk to anyone at that time. And I'd just have to accept it. This is not true--he spoke with OTHER people during this time. He just didn't speak with me.

 

Ok--whatever. Maybe men have their caves. I still feel disrespected though and like that was unacceptable treatment. I don't see my friends' husbands or boyfriends doing that to them. I don't think it's something many people in committed relationships would tolerate.

 

Anyhow, last night, he told me he NEEDED to see me. He was ready to be together again. As we're laying there in bed, holding each other, he starts telling me about...not how wonderful it is to be with me...but instead...how f'ing gorgeous his coworker is...and how he's been in class with her all week. And how I was lucky...that he was being so good...and forced himself to sit on the opposite side of the room, as he knew if they were near each other, it would have lead to...a bad situation where they would have hooked up. And he didn't want to do that to me.

 

Ok, I don't know...but like...after being ignored for 3 weeks, and not being told why...and losing a LOT of trust in the process...it does NOT make me feel any more trusting to hear he's lusting after his coworker, and literally has to physically restrain himself from jumping her bones. And that I am a lucky girlfriend because he's doing this for me...

 

I told him that was ridiculous and disrespectful. It shouldn't be considered a favor to me not to have sex with other women. And by God, if we're having our first night of intimacy after three weeks apart, I sure as heck hope he'd be telling me how special he finds me...and not some random coworker. He then told me that his friend was "eye raping" this girl the entire day and wanted to hook up with her as well because she's so gorgeous, which I told him I was disgusted to hear, as he's in a happy marriage. These comments were just kind of disturbing to me. He acted like I was completely weird and in the wrong for being annoyed by any of this.

 

Anyhow, so overall. How would MOST women feel, if your committed boyfriend, who you loved, and were about to buy a house with, dropped off the face of the planet. Wouldn't ease your fears while you were worried about him. Out of the blue came back to you, acting like nothing changed...but wouldn't explain why he was gone all that time. And even though you've told him numerous times before that you don't want to hear his thoughts on how gorgeous his coworkers are and how he wants to bone them, continues to make such commentary to you? Would you stick around? Would you have a talk with him (even if you've had like 100 talks already...and it doesn't seem to stick)? Would you have any expectations there?

 

I don't know. I just feel so disrespected, and feel like it may be time to forget the fairytale, and realize, what happened wasn't ok, and walk away. I've already grieved for three weeks...if I get reattached now, and if he pulls this crap in the future, I'll have to go through the grieving process again from scratch. Also, a lot of my trust has faded, and I don't know if it's wise going back in with a lack of trust. And in all honesty, there is probably a good reason I don't trust him at this point. His actions do NOT make sense, and he feels no need to elucidate them, even though he knows I'm confused and bothered by this.

 

Do any of you have partners that act like it's a favor to you that they're not boning their coworkers and are remaining faithful to you? I cannot even IMAGINE telling a boyfriend, "OH, I've got this hunk of a guy in my office, and I TOTALLY want him to take me...but, sigh...I keep my distance because I'm with you. You owe me for that one."

 

Feeling annoyed. Would like input.

 

Thanks.

[2sunny]

he's a COMPLETE dork!!!!!! i would never date him again, ever! in fact, i would never even want to be friends with a guy like this. he's completely disrespecting you and you let him.

 

yep, every time you see him (like after he disappears for 3 weeks with no explanation) you are rewarding his bad behavior.

 

you have now set a new precedent that he can treat you like $hit, ignore you, sleep with you as soon as he resurfaces, and talk trashy women talk in your presence.

 

my god girl, is this what you want for yourself and from a man in your life? might as well be dating your enemies.

 

noooow, what are you planning to do about this?

[threebyfate]

Unbelievable. And you're still with him?

 

Kick this dog to the curb. There's nothing to salvage here. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

[dreamergrl]

I'd have gotten up out of bed and left. With out explaining why.

[D-Lish]

I wouldn't have talked to him ever again after he took off for three weeks without a word and ignored me.

[Katrina65]

Oh my gosh, ok, I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels this was unacceptable, then!!! I was furious! I DID get up out of bed and told him I found his words unacceptable and didn't want to be there...that I found it ABSOLUTELY ridiculous that he drop off the face of the planet for three weeks, have him want to "rekindle things", and was in bed telling me about how he was doing me a favor not boning another woman. He acted like I'd TOTALLY taken it wrong, and like I was weird and irrational for being upset. I was thinking, "my God, this man is SO unreal and selfish! I don't think I WANT this kind of man in my life!" But at the same time, it was very late, and I knew if I walked out, it would be the end. And I am a firm believer in not breaking up unless you are absolutely CERTAIN you are not going back, and you've evaluated all the pros and cons and have come up with a permanent decision that you're willing to stick to. I feel it's way too much a breach of trust to say, "don't EVER call me again" if you then, a week later are like, "hm, maybe I was wrong...maybe I'll try again." I don't think that's fair to a partner.

 

He pulled me back into bed. I pulled away though...and started really doing an analysis in my mind of our "relationship". I looked him in the eyes and I told him I was getting really fed up. That the way he'd treated me, now that I thought about it a bit, was HORRIBLE. He missed my birthday and never wished me a happy birthday at all. He's only taken me on two dates--one which he made me drive AND pay for. He borrowed money from me which he never gave back. He disappeared for three weeks. He ignored me when I just wanted to be sure he was safe. He was NOT there for me during the most stressful week of my life, and on the contrary, lead it to be an even MORE stressful week, as I lost 10 pounds AND 10% body fat, due to losing my appetite from being worried sick about him and stressing about the week.

 

I had a hard time sleeping last night. He just pulled away and slept on the opposite side of the bed. In the morning, he woke up, told me he slept GREAT. He got close and cuddled me for a bit, then said I had to leave because he had to start his day. When I left, I made some reference to ,"so, um, are we...communicating again then?" And he made some smart a$$ remark about, "I don't know! I guess we'll see! HAHA. Just kidding..." Then he left.

 

And I got in the car, and for the first time thought, "hm, I actually kind of hope I don't hear from him again...seeing him again was nowhere near as fulfilling as I thought it was going to be."

 

I like your question, Sunny--about what course of action I'm going to take. It doesn't help to merely be annoyed and allow it to continue. Taking charge and making a decision is necessary.

 

Now that it's been confirmed I'm NOT just being irrational, I've got to find a way to call things off and continue moving on. Any suggestions gals on proper break-up ettiquette?

[dreamergrl]

How about... "I deserve better. Have a nice life."

[jerseyboy]

What made me lol was that she jumped right into bed with him after three weeks of no contact

 

Chica, screw your head on straight wtf.

 

Then women wonder why men do this crap

 

BECAUSE YOU LET THEM

[Katrina65]

Oh, but by the way, he did mention that those three weeks he was away, he went into a deep depression. It is confirmed he was given leave off work for two of those weeks. Part of me, having loved him, wanted to be understanding of this--I mean, if he was really emotionally distraught and could not talk--I would like to be supportive. BUT. I don't understand what went on, because he won't talk with me about it. And for one of those weeks, he was back at work, and communicating with friends. And, if he says I'm the closet and most important person in his life, how could he not turn to me? It just doesn't add up. I mean, heck, if I was depressed and needed space, I'd at the very least communicate "hey, I need space. I'll let you know when I can talk again." Although, in all honesty, I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to be understanding of my need to drop off the face of the planet for three weeks...I'd think that was unfair to him.

 

Also, I wonder too about this depression. To become that grossly depressed so randomly and suddenly, to the point where he was contemplating suicide, when he was all chipper and optimistic the day before, makes me question if he isn't suffering from something like bipolar disorder. I know his family (which he hates) has a history of mental disorder, suicide, drug addiction, infidelity, etc. I wonder if part of this drama couldn't have to do with manic and depressive episodes. As a friend, of course, I wouldn't want to turn my back on him if he was having a serious problem like that...but it probably wouldn't be the wisest to date a person with that kind of untreated instability either.

 

Just other thoughts I had, which have lead to even more confusion about the whole situation.

[2sunny]

He acted like I'd TOTALLY taken it wrong, and like I was weird and irrational for being upset. I was thinking, "my God, this man is SO unreal and selfish! I don't think I WANT this kind of man in my life!"

 

and this is exactly why i would never see him or speak to him again! good riddance!

 

tell me, is he always so narcissistic? is he always so totally ignorant of how you might feel?

 

a real friend/boyfriend would always be supportive, making sure to be around when things are tough, would never indicate his fawning over another gal, would never disregard the importance of you as a whole.

 

he is just scum.

 

the best etiquette is no further contact - given that he will completely understand that form of non-communication. he has shown no decency and expects you to like it... i would think you owe him nothing. seriously, this is when nothing actually means something.

[Katrina65]

Jerseyboy, it's because it was late and time for bed, and I was busy until bed time. We agreed to meet up to see each other so we could talk--we wanted to cuddle, but we set some rules about not having sex, so it wouldn't be about just hooking up. I just got REALLY busy, so it was the only time I had, that he was also free, to meet up and talk about things that happened and try to reconnect.

[D-Lish]

This guy doesn't deserve anything from you. He's a total D-bag.

 

Don't let him twist any of this and make you believe you're being irrational. He has treated you with complete disrespect, he's been cruel, he's been apathetic to your feelings. What could you possibily owe him after all this?

[mem11363]

You are very rational and your assessment is exactly right.

 

The problem is that your baseline behavior is predicated on the golden rule. And his is not. So for example he would have been very angry with you if you suddenly went NC for 3 weeks, and yet he thinks it is ok that he did that to you. As for the need to work through something. That is pure crap. Everyone has stuff. You can tell someone nicely you need a little time to work through something - but you still keep some level of communication while you do and you still show some level of concern for the other person during that time. I would NEVER have done anything like that to a good GF or now to my wife.

 

As for the talk about the other woman. That is a very deliberate effort to gradually acclimate you to the idea that he is going to cheat. This is how it works. He routinely mentions these situations until you catch him cheating. And when you do he says: I am really sorry, I feel terrible, still you need to give me credit for all the times I didn't cheat. And then he repeats the process.

 

Going totally NC for 3 weeks with zero explanation is very cruel, especially if you have a dangerous job. Notice his explanations were all about him. If you stay get used to it, everything will be all about him.

 

He is trying to emotionally dominate you. Think about what he did:

- Goes away for 3 full weeks - total NC - that would freak anyone out

- Comes back and knowing how relieved you will be to see him - he starts mixing in all this stuff about another woman

 

Are you really going to let someone treat you like this?

 

 

Hey guys,

 

Something bothered me last night, and I'd like to get some opinions.

 

I've been dating a guy for about five months, and have known him and been friends with him for about three years. We have a great mental and physical connection. BUT, I do know he has a past as a womanizer. He claims things are "different"--he truly loves and respects me. Of course, being a logically minded person, I don't think a leopard changes their spots, but at the same time, want to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him since he is a friend and I have no evidence that he will cheat on me (other than the fact that he has cheated on everyone else...which is a pretty good indicator that he will cheat on me, too.). I've never felt suspicious of his behaviors around me though and have given him full trust--until he proves he doesn't deserve it, which he may have recently done.

 

So, things were going great. He wanted to move in with me. Was saying I was his soulmate and he'd never loved anyone so much. We bought a friggin' dog together. He made me feel very loved. Then WHAM--no warning, he dropped off the face of the planet for three weeks. I was very worried about him, as this was not like him at ALL (before this, he always contacted me dozens of times a day). I contacted him on three occasions (two times via text message, and once when I saw him log onto Facebook), asking him if he was doing alright, and wondering if he needed anything. At the very least, I wanted him to let me know he was safe (he has a dangerous job). To make matters worse, he knew I was going to be going through a VERY stressful week myself (possibly the most stressful of my life, and I could have used support)...so to leave me hanging like that, worrying about him, was nothing short of emotionally cruel timing wise.

 

Anyhow, he ignored my three contacts.

 

I contacted his friend, asking if he could at least confirm that he was safe, and he said that yes, he was fine...and probably was just trying to break up with me in a cowardly way. I told him that perhaps he was right--but it seemed so strange, as there was absolutely NO warning signs he was unhappy with our relationship. On the contrary, the day before, he was telling me how he'd never been happier, more connected, or loved anyone so much. He said that my boyfriend is a lot of drama, and has a cheating heart and is the type to act on it, and his suggestion would be to move on.

 

Anyhow, I waited. Waited. Waited. I eventually grieved most of the loss, even though there was no closure, and I was ready to move on. When suddenly, I get a random text from my boyfriend, saying his love and passion for me never faltered...that I am everything to him...and that he couldn't tell me about the last three weeks. That he was going through something...emotional...and he needed to be on his own. I told him that was fine, but at least a "hey, I need space" would have been much more respectful to me, as I have a life, too, and could have dealt with less stress and worry. He said he was sorry, but he didn't want to talk to anyone at that time. And I'd just have to accept it. This is not true--he spoke with OTHER people during this time. He just didn't speak with me.

 

Ok--whatever. Maybe men have their caves. I still feel disrespected though and like that was unacceptable treatment. I don't see my friends' husbands or boyfriends doing that to them. I don't think it's something many people in committed relationships would tolerate.

 

Anyhow, last night, he told me he NEEDED to see me. He was ready to be together again. As we're laying there in bed, holding each other, he starts telling me about...not how wonderful it is to be with me...but instead...how f'ing gorgeous his coworker is...and how he's been in class with her all week. And how I was lucky...that he was being so good...and forced himself to sit on the opposite side of the room, as he knew if they were near each other, it would have lead to...a bad situation where they would have hooked up. And he didn't want to do that to me.

 

Ok, I don't know...but like...after being ignored for 3 weeks, and not being told why...and losing a LOT of trust in the process...it does NOT make me feel any more trusting to hear he's lusting after his coworker, and literally has to physically restrain himself from jumping her bones. And that I am a lucky girlfriend because he's doing this for me...

 

I told him that was ridiculous and disrespectful. It shouldn't be considered a favor to me not to have sex with other women. And by God, if we're having our first night of intimacy after three weeks apart, I sure as heck hope he'd be telling me how special he finds me...and not some random coworker. He then told me that his friend was "eye raping" this girl the entire day and wanted to hook up with her as well because she's so gorgeous, which I told him I was disgusted to hear, as he's in a happy marriage. These comments were just kind of disturbing to me. He acted like I was completely weird and in the wrong for being annoyed by any of this.

 

Anyhow, so overall. How would MOST women feel, if your committed boyfriend, who you loved, and were about to buy a house with, dropped off the face of the planet. Wouldn't ease your fears while you were worried about him. Out of the blue came back to you, acting like nothing changed...but wouldn't explain why he was gone all that time. And even though you've told him numerous times before that you don't want to hear his thoughts on how gorgeous his coworkers are and how he wants to bone them, continues to make such commentary to you? Would you stick around? Would you have a talk with him (even if you've had like 100 talks already...and it doesn't seem to stick)? Would you have any expectations there?

 

I don't know. I just feel so disrespected, and feel like it may be time to forget the fairytale, and realize, what happened wasn't ok, and walk away. I've already grieved for three weeks...if I get reattached now, and if he pulls this crap in the future, I'll have to go through the grieving process again from scratch. Also, a lot of my trust has faded, and I don't know if it's wise going back in with a lack of trust. And in all honesty, there is probably a good reason I don't trust him at this point. His actions do NOT make sense, and he feels no need to elucidate them, even though he knows I'm confused and bothered by this.

 

Do any of you have partners that act like it's a favor to you that they're not boning their coworkers and are remaining faithful to you? I cannot even IMAGINE telling a boyfriend, "OH, I've got this hunk of a guy in my office, and I TOTALLY want him to take me...but, sigh...I keep my distance because I'm with you. You owe me for that one."

 

Feeling annoyed. Would like input.

 

Thanks.

[Katrina65]

You know, Sunny, he's always telling me that his FAMILY is so selfish and narcissistic, but I think he is. One time before, I told him that I was feeling hurt, because he had broken a lot of promises...and I was feeling neglected. He told me he was sorry, but that he was just so...busy...but then I found out that on his day off, he scheduled a fishing trip with his friend. I realized, "oh, he's not too busy...he's just setting certain priorities, and I'm not one of them. I mean, he wants to fish...he makes time for that." He always had a great excuse for why he stood me up--usually, making it seem like I'd misunderstood him--that it was my fault.

 

His friends confirmed that he has always had the "it's everyone else's fault!" mentality and will not take accountability for his actions. So, yea, I have put serious thought into wondering whether he might be a narcissist or a sociopath, just based on his past behaviors in relationships...as well as a pattern I was seeing in my own.

 

When I told him how my feelings were hurt and I was feeling neglected, he just stopped talking to me and went fishing, and didn't contact me for two days. Then, he came back, acting like nothing had ever happened, being all lovey dovey again. I told him that was NOT ok. He got angry at ME for that, and left for a couple weeks. But then came back, saying how much he missed me...how wonderful I was to him...blah blah, and wanted to make things work. I've enjoyed being with him since...until this strange episode the past three weeks.

 

But, again, it could be because it was the "honeymoon" phase. If I take away my deep puppy dog like adoration of him, I'm kind of left with a man who is selfish, a little too into the ladies, a user who doesn't seem to respect my feelings or thoughts very much at all. I think I may have been projecting my feelings of love onto him...and making him seem better than he really was, just because I wanted him to be the great man I thought he was. In all honesty, he is SUCH a good communicator (when he wants to be) and SO good with words. He makes me feel SO LOVED with the words he tells me...but then again, talk is cheap. His actions often don't match what he says, and I should keep an eye on those...

[jerseyboy]

Oh, but by the way, he did mention that those three weeks he was away, he went into a deep depression. It is confirmed he was given leave off work for two of those weeks. Part of me, having loved him, wanted to be understanding of this--I mean, if he was really emotionally distraught and could not talk--I would like to be supportive. BUT. I don't understand what went on, because he won't talk with me about it. And for one of those weeks, he was back at work, and communicating with friends. And, if he says I'm the closet and most important person in his life, how could he not turn to me? It just doesn't add up. I mean, heck, if I was depressed and needed space, I'd at the very least communicate "hey, I need space. I'll let you know when I can talk again." Although, in all honesty, I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to be understanding of my need to drop off the face of the planet for three weeks...I'd think that was unfair to him.

 

Also, I wonder too about this depression. To become that grossly depressed so randomly and suddenly, to the point where he was contemplating suicide, when he was all chipper and optimistic the day before, makes me question if he isn't suffering from something like bipolar disorder. I know his family (which he hates) has a history of mental disorder, suicide, drug addiction, infidelity, etc. I wonder if part of this drama couldn't have to do with manic and depressive episodes. As a friend, of course, I wouldn't want to turn my back on him if he was having a serious problem like that...but it probably wouldn't be the wisest to date a person with that kind of untreated instability either.

 

Just other thoughts I had, which have lead to even more confusion about the whole situation.

 

 

His excuse is bs bs bs

 

And even if it werent, how is that any better.

[2sunny]

But, again, it could be because it was the "honeymoon" phase. If I take away my deep puppy dog like adoration of him, I'm kind of left with a man who is selfish, a little too into the ladies, a user who doesn't seem to respect my feelings or thoughts very much at all. I think I may have been projecting my feelings of love onto him...and making him seem better than he really was, just because I wanted him to be the great man I thought he was. In all honesty, he is SUCH a good communicator (when he wants to be) and SO good with words. He makes me feel SO LOVED with the words he tells me...but then again, talk is cheap. His actions often don't match what he says, and I should keep an eye on those...

 

and this is enough for you? it actually sounds as if you are going to continue with his horrific behavior... hmmm, expect more of the same from him then.

 

YOU aren't willing to see a healthy boundary for yourself. you aren't willing to see that his actions never matched his words. you aren't willing to take his friends words at face value... because they keep telling you what a loser he is so that you'll see it - and you just shut your eyes and pretend he's all great. wake up honey! he's a blood sucking, money taking, selfish, self serving guy that is taking you for a ride. he is also emotionally abusive and you want more?

 

WHY DON'T YOU WANT MORE FROM A MAN THAN THIS FOR YOURSELF?

[Katrina65]

Thanks for the input, Mem. That made a lot of sense to me. I'm a person who needs to understand things...and the motives make more sense now.

 

I'm so glad to hear that my instincts are right then. I seriously didn't feel I deserved this treatment, but with him telling me that I was irrational for thinking that way, I just wanted to get the general consensus and make sure I wasn't missing something. I know that I FELT angry and annoyed, but wanted to be sure I wasn't just responding based on emotions...I always prefer my decisions to based on sound logic.

[2sunny]

decision? what decision have you made?

[Katrina65]

Sunny, his friend JUST told me about his cheating nature. I was going over what he said in my mind, and hadn't had a chance to talk with my boyfriend yet. My boyfriend has always said that he would never do that to me...and, as far as his friend, I had no idea what his motives were in telling me. If he was really just trying to give me helpful advice? Or if he was angry at his friend? Or what... I don't know his friend well enough to know if that was fact. Gossip. Something to cause drama. I was looking into that.

 

 

Um, as for the first time we parted...I was willing to try again, but with new boundaries in place. I wanted to give him the chance to understand what I needed, and for a while, he seemed to put in the effort to meet those needs. Things were going pretty well until this strange disappearance.

 

But I do, now, looking back, see that his behaviors weren't an accident...or a lack of understanding...it seems to be more..a pattern. I feel like I maybe was being "groomed" to accept more and more crappy behavior. I'm done with the "giving him the benefit of the doubt". I don't want this relationship anymore. I DO want more than what I'm getting. Of course, I still care about him...and wish he'd treated me differently and was the good guy I hoped he was. But I don't want to deal with this behavior today, tomorrow, or in the future. So, it's time to leave. I've dealt with long enough.

[Boundary Problem]

We all hit rock bottom at some point(s) in our lives. They are usually very painful but great learning opportunities.

 

Happy to hear he took time off work if he has a dangerous job and wasn't feeling 100%.

 

He needs to surround himself with good people. People from all over.

[mem11363]

Katrina,

 

You have described his pattern very well in this thread. And you are right about the grooming. That is such a good word for this. Think about his sequences:

- He does something bad

- You challenge him and he tries to turn it around

- You hold firm

- He disappears for 2 days

- He comes back - you are now legitimately even more angry

- He leaves for 2 weeks

- When he returns he acts extra nice but he NEVER APOLOGIZES

 

What did that sequence establish. If you challenge him he punishes you with abandonment. If you up the ante he abandons you for an even longer time. Not so long you give up. But long enough for it to hurt A LOT. He is really good at establishing dominance in a relationship. He does it by giving love very skillfully and then applying the harsh punishment of abandonment when you challenge him.

 

This recent sequence was to punish you for NOTHING. And then come back and talk about doing something bad. He was likely thinking either:

- After being gone for 3 weeks - talking about another woman would make you even more insecure/vulnerable AND/OR

- He was trying to gauge whether he could get you to tolerate some level of misbehavior with other women even if initially it is staring/fantasizing and talking to you about it - which by the way is not nice by anyones standards

 

This guy has succeeded in dominating most/all his prior relationships. You will not be able to change him because he does not think he is broken. You are.

You get upset about "stupid" things. You are demanding. You misunderstand schedules and date commitments. And NOW you aren't even being supportive when he has an emotional crisis.

 

Just be prepared. When you end it, he is going to get ugly. And he is going to try hard to convince you to give him another chance. He might even apologize though he won't mean it.

 

Are you very confident that when you end it, that you will not have any safety issues? Think carefully about that.

 

 

 

Sunny, his friend JUST told me about his cheating nature. I was going over what he said in my mind, and hadn't had a chance to talk with my boyfriend yet. My boyfriend has always said that he would never do that to me...and, as far as his friend, I had no idea what his motives were in telling me. If he was really just trying to give me helpful advice? Or if he was angry at his friend? Or what... I don't know his friend well enough to know if that was fact. Gossip. Something to cause drama. I was looking into that.

 

 

Um, as for the first time we parted...I was willing to try again, but with new boundaries in place. I wanted to give him the chance to understand what I needed, and for a while, he seemed to put in the effort to meet those needs. Things were going pretty well until this strange disappearance.

 

But I do, now, looking back, see that his behaviors weren't an accident...or a lack of understanding...it seems to be more..a pattern. I feel like I maybe was being "groomed" to accept more and more crappy behavior. I'm done with the "giving him the benefit of the doubt". I don't want this relationship anymore. I DO want more than what I'm getting. Of course, I still care about him...and wish he'd treated me differently and was the good guy I hoped he was. But I don't want to deal with this behavior today, tomorrow, or in the future. So, it's time to leave. I've dealt with long enough.

[2sunny]

We all hit rock bottom at some point(s) in our lives. They are usually very painful but great learning opportunities.

 

Happy to hear he took time off work if he has a dangerous job and wasn't feeling 100%.

 

He needs to surround himself with good people. People from all over.

 

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

HE isn't here asking about himself - and hitting rock bottom....

 

SHE is here asking about him... and his behavior when he disappeared. how he treated her after he re-appeared and events of the past seem unacceptable to anyone expecting decency.

[Katrina65]

WOW, Mem, your posts are really insightful. It seriously DID feel, when he said the comment about his coworker, as if it was "calculated". Like, there was an intent behind it. I think, that more than anything, is what upset me about it. It felt like he was saying it for a PURPOSE--and that purpose was NOT a good one. My instincts were flashing big, bright red warning signs that were saying, "someone who has your best interest at heart would NOT be saying these things. And worse yet, it feels like he's doing it to HURT you...or devalue you...or make you feel beneath him."

 

Like, it honestly felt as he had a little widdling tool, and was chipping away at my self esteem, with the purpose of breaking me down into a pile of rubble!! And being a complete right now...I did NOT like the idea of anyone trying to make me less of a person. I was well aware, that over time, with continued behavior like that, it would start to feel more and more normal until I just accepted it.

 

Interesting you mention him using rejection as a weapon, too. His ex was an orphan. He always mentioned about how her biggest fear was rejection--so, it seems he knew how to play that card well! In my own history, I lost my father growing up, so deep down, rejection is very painful for me, too.

 

And you have some valid concerns regarding safety. He's made some comments before which have not seemed appropriate. And even referring to his ex, who has not wronged him in any way, he is inappropriately angry and blaming towards her, saying harsh and cruel things. I often have to ask him to please be kind and respectful her...it hurts my heart to see the things he says to her...when she didn't do anything to him. He was obviously very cruel to her, and blamed her for all his actions. When she stood up to him, like you mentioned, it turned into an all out war--he wanted her to suffer. All I can see in his ex, is a woman who loved him, stood by him, and gave him all the chances in the world to be a good man, and finally gave up. Probably best I learn from her mistake as well--there's no reason for me to think, if she couldn't figure it out in a decade, that I could make things work. He's damaged. I will be careful.

[2sunny]

maybe it would be wise to just quietly make sure you're not alone with him anymore. any face to face interaction could be risky if he is the type to be unpredictable.

[Katrina65]

Good thinking, Sunny. Haha, ironically, now I'm kind of hoping he just drops off the face of the planet again and stops talking to me...but forever! That might be the easiest route!