threebyfate Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Perhaps I have dated some already, and they just haven't told me about it in case I judged them? But why does it matter if they've cheated in the past or not... why would I specifically want to look for a guy with experience of cheating? I don't think it makes much difference either way as long as he isn't doing it now.Instead of hiding cheating, why not find someone who's gone through the same process as you have, who can and will understand your evolution, hence be able to trust in you?
Thornton Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 That's equivalent to characterising cheating as a disease, and it's sort of like saying people with herpes should only date each other. I have enough trouble finding someone who I want to date in the first place, without imposing even more criteria (i.e. must have a history of cheating but have stopped now... who in their right mind is going to respond to that personal ad?)
harmfulsweetz Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 It depends what it is exactly. If they have had open R's in the past, and enjoy that, then they should speak up. if they have an STD, they should say. I always play it by ear, or would always, i.e. if they ask, I'll tell. If they don't ask, I won't volunteer the information up, unless its something like an STD. I would however, expect that if I asked something along the lines of have you cheated in past Rs? That should be answered honestly, it may sway my decision to be with them or not, or I may just value their honesty. I don't necessarily understand people who won't answer questions about their past sexual history, I'm not saying it's relevant to the current R, but some people feel more comfortable knowing, and if you refuse to answer it, then it makes for more questions, doesn't it? I'd sooner trust a man who told he had slept with 30 women, in x number of years or whatever, than a man who refused to answer it. If I'm expected to be honest and open, I'd expect a man to be too. But that's only if I ask, if I don't ask, I don't want to know.
threebyfate Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 That's equivalent to characterising cheating as a disease, and it's sort of like saying people with herpes should only date each other. I have enough trouble finding someone who I want to date in the first place, without imposing even more criteria (i.e. must have a history of cheating but have stopped now... who in their right mind is going to respond to that personal ad?)No, it's called acceptance and compatibility. As you've said in your previous posts, it's been consistent that when you've been honest about cheating, it's backfired on you. So now, you've chosen the dishonest route. That's a pattern of behaviour, similar to cheating, in that both are dishonest. If you want to break that kind of cycle of behaviour, why not just find someone who you can be honest with, who will accept not only your positives but also your negatives.
Thornton Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Finding someone who will be accepting and will value your honesty doesn't necessarily require them to have cheated in the past themselves. Nobody is realistically going to screen potential boyfriends and only date the ones with a history of cheating. "I really like you, but I can't date you because you're not an ex-cheater"... not realistic at all. Plus you're assuming that I want to tell the truth about having cheated in the past, so therefore I need to find someone who will accept that... I actually don't have a problem with telling a lie which prevents someone from negatively judging my past history, and I really don't care about breaking that cycle of behaviour. As long as it doesn't impact on the present relationship, my past is my private business.
A O Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Finding someone who will be accepting and will value your honesty doesn't necessarily require them to have cheated in the past themselves. That is true. Plus you're assuming that I want to tell the truth about having cheated in the past, so therefore I need to find someone who will accept that. My interpretation of your earlier posts is that you once did want to talk about it truthfully, but the responses to your honesty weren't what you were hoping for. I actually don't have a problem with telling a lie which prevents someone from negatively judging my past history, and I really don't care about breaking that cycle of behaviour. As long as it doesn't impact on the present relationship, my past is my private business.I think that this is sad. This is the part that I take issue with in as much as I think that the acceptance of one's past, and finding people who'll accept that past (hard I know, but far from impossible) is a far healthier course of action to take than accepting the need to lie and then attempting to justifying this course of action. .
Thornton Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Of course I would rather be truthful if possible, but I'm not going to go around rejecting perfectly decent guys just because they wouldn't understand my past, and I don't see the point of making guys unnecessarily paranoid about me cheating when I'm not going to do it; I'd rather just not talk about it and avoid the whole issue. I don't see why it's so bad to leave something in the past if it belongs there. I don't talk about having cheated before, I don't talk about that one time I'm convinced a guy slipped something in my drink, I don't talk about one particular ex who treated me in a sexually abusive sort of way, I don't talk about having my heart broken and suffering from serious depression over it... and why should I have to talk about those things when they're past and gone, they're my personal business and most guys don't like to hear about that stuff anyway? There's a whole load of things I don't talk about because they're in the past and that's where they belong; I don't need those things dragged up all over again in the present.
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Of course I would rather be truthful if possible, but I'm not going to go around rejecting perfectly decent guys just because they wouldn't understand my past, and I don't see the point of making guys unnecessarily paranoid about me cheating when I'm not going to do it; I'd rather just not talk about it and avoid the whole issue. I don't see why it's so bad to leave something in the past if it belongs there. I don't talk about having cheated before, I don't talk about that one time I'm convinced a guy slipped something in my drink, I don't talk about one particular ex who treated me in a sexually abusive sort of way, I don't talk about having my heart broken and suffering from serious depression over it... and why should I have to talk about those things when they're past and gone, they're my personal business and most guys don't like to hear about that stuff anyway? There's a whole load of things I don't talk about because they're in the past and that's where they belong; I don't need those things dragged up all over again in the present. Well said.
threebyfate Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 So, ultimately, it's all about getting someone v. finding the person who best aligns with you. An attitude I can't relate to, whatsoever.
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 So, ultimately, it's all about getting someone v. finding the person who best aligns with you. An attitude I can't relate to, whatsoever. Have you done, or had done to you, many things that you feel were OK or do not reflect on your value as a person, but also feel are stigmatized by society and sometimes also even by otherwise rational individuals?
threebyfate Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Have you done, or had done to you, many things that you feel were OK or do not reflect on your value as a person, but also feel are stigmatized by society and sometimes also even by otherwise rational individuals?I've already given an example of the revenge exacted from the ex and the OW. Revenge is stigmatized by society and also by otherwise rational individuals. I've been open about this, to my H, my previous STR and a number of individuals that I've been involved with.
A O Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Of course I would rather be truthful if possible, but I'm not going to go around rejecting perfectly decent guys just because they wouldn't understand my past But this isn't what was happening, they were rejecting you. You're not keeping mum for their purposes, you're keeping quiet for your own purposes. Now, I can understand why you do this, but I still think that there's more gold in finding someone who will accept you warts and all rather than someone who'll end up accepting the rather sanitized version of you (should the topic of cheating ever rear its ugly head of course). .
Ody Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I've already given an example of the revenge exacted from the ex and the OW. Revenge is stigmatized by society and also by otherwise rational individuals. I've been open about this, to my H, my previous STR and a number of individuals that I've been involved with. I don't recall all the details of the thread, it's far too long, although now that you mention it I do recall this post. Anyway, I pretty much agree with you and probably would have stopped posting in this thread if the OP topic said "preferred" instead of "required". Perhaps I'm just too jaded. I have been open about all of my past (and visa versa, as far as I know) with my serious partners in the past anyway.
Thornton Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 But this isn't what was happening, they were rejecting you. You're not keeping mum for their purposes, you're keeping quiet for your own purposes. Now, I can understand why you do this, but I still think that there's more gold in finding someone who will accept you warts and all rather than someone who'll end up accepting the rather sanitized version of you (should the topic of cheating ever rear its ugly head of course). Yes, of course I'm keeping quiet for my own purposes... I really don't want to have to relive every gory detail of everything that ever went wrong in my past every time I start dating someone. I don't want to discuss those things over and over... I want to leave them behind me and move on, and I think I should be entitled to do that. As an example: I'm convinced that a guy once slipped something in my drink, and I told my ex about it. He then wanted me to talk about it and kept bringing it up because he thought talking was cathartic, he started turning the tv off every time there was something like that which he thought might upset me, if a similar topic came up in a group conversation he would look at me sympathetically and squeeze my hand... very nice and kind of him, but I didn't want to be reminded all the time, I didn't want to have cathartic chats about it, I wanted to forget about it and I wished I'd never told him. Bringing stuff from the past into the present is not the best way to leave it behind you and move on! Not to mention that bringing stuff up just worries your partner, assuming you're going to continue dating. If it's cheating, he'll worry that you'll cheat, even if you won't. If it's having your drink spiked, he'll feel bad for you and worry about how you must feel every time a reminder comes up. If you're a happy and well adjusted individual now, why should you have to reveal anything from your past which is irrelevant to the current relationship?
A O Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 If you're a happy and well adjusted individual now, why should you have to reveal anything from your past which is irrelevant to the current relationship? I tend to look at things from a different angle. When I'm truly at ease with myself, then I just take whatever comes my way in my stride. If so n so doesn't like me warts and all - not a problem. .
cheergirl Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 This thread is very much about people positioning themselves to potential partners. Instead of doing that, why not let it all hang out so that it doesn't come as a shock to the other person, when you turn into yourself? Ha-ha!!!! Well said! ...reminds me of the Eddie Murphy gag about the salad-eatin' bitches, the real "quiet, shy" ones who have so many skeletons in their closets a bone falls out everytime they open their mouth! Seriously, though...I would feel weird if a guy had a list of personal questions as soon as we started dating... I reckon everything comes out as you get to know one another, you talk, he talks, if he doesn't like me for some reason, then Que sera, sera... I am who I am, that's usually sufficient...
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