A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think most guys would be equally concerned about me being a slut as they would about me having cheated. Most people are concerned about a person's faithfulness. Not everyone equates threesomes to slutsville however. I wouldn't ask someone I really liked if they ever had a threesome, because if he said yes I'd have to dump him. I would think that you wouldn't ask because you don't want to reveal your own past moreso than because of what you may do or not. If they push it, you tell them only what they would want to hear, and anything unsavoury you keep to yourself because it'll only damage your relationship.It'll damage a fragile relationship, that much is true. .
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think you totally misread my post. I was saying I would not be idealistic and think "oh yes for this true love we must disclose fully!" and instead be pragmatic and say "OK no need to dump out all our history to each other right up front let's play it by ear." Agreed re health issues. However I feel the same pragmatism about relationship history than I do with sexual history, in fact I feel it would be hard to separate the two in any serious in-depth discussion. So pragmatic is saying, "OK no need to dump out all our history to each other right up front let's play it by ear." I get that, and agree. However, I do distinguish relationship history from sexual history. That is just a personal distinction I guess. It seems relationship history is who you've had a serious relationship with, versus sexual history includes all the promiscuity. I think the relationship history is telling enough. The sexual history is only a problem if it manifest itself as a problem in the current relationship.
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 However, I do distinguish relationship history from sexual history. That is just a personal distinction I guess. It seems relationship history is who you've had a serious relationship with, versus sexual history includes all the promiscuity. I think the relationship history is telling enough. The sexual history is only a problem if it manifest itself as a problem in the current relationship. Fair enough. Into which category go statements like "My last GF of three years and I were exhibitionists"?
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Sure, but men get way more hung up on the woman's sexual past than the woman gets hung up on the man's. Just look at the hundreds of threads on LS from insecure men tearing their hair out over the fact that their woman had sex in the past. I have never given a bf a hard time about his sexual past, but one of my exes practically tortured me about the fact that I had had ONE sex partner before him. He even went so far as to tell me that if we got married, I couldn't wear white on the wedding day. I told his mom what he said (she asked), and she said to him, "Your father wasn't my first. Get over yourself." Bull****. Not to suggest men arent, they may well be. Women however are far more creative and unpredictable as to how far down the chain they are willing to go to upset themselves. Women are far more inclined to compare every aspect of themselves to another woman and obsess over it. And the more attractive the female, the more it seems to be true. Perhaps because theyve invested so much of their self worth into their looks. At least with respect to physical appearance. Men are far more oblivious and quite frankly unrealistically confident in their bodies by way of example with the exception of the obvious for some.
Thornton Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I would think that you wouldn't ask because you don't want to reveal your own past moreso than because of what you may do or not. If I don't want to reveal my own past, I won't. It has nothing to do with what my partner does or does not tell me. He can have verbal diarrhoea and I still won't divulge anything beyond what I want to tell him. How does he know that I even have anything to reveal if I don't tell him so? Let him assume I have nothing to tell, if he wants.
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Women however are far more creative and unpredictable as to how far down the chain they are willing to go to upset themselves. Going to have to disagree here, have you ever seen one of those lamer dudes frothing at the mouth over how their GF (or worse, some chick who turned them down) was a slut? I think the arms race on this notion is still gender competitive.
Lizzie60 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I should add that women in general are far more curious and nosey about their partner's past than men are..
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Fair enough. Into which category go statements like "My last GF of three years and I were exhibitionists"? Relationship history, because it was with his last girlfriend of three years. And whether or not that is a problem is up to that person's current partner. But if it was a random act of exposure one night before banging a one night stand, that is sexual history, not something that needs to be told. Unless of course, this person is an exhibitionist.
A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 @ Thornton My point is, if you ask, then I assume that you're OK with being asked. Since you don't have a need to ask, or so I assume, then it's all good. But I assume also, you don't have a need to ask, or you don't want to ask simply because you have a rather large skeleton in your closet moreso than anything else. .
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Relationship history, because it was with his last girlfriend of three years. And whether or not that is a problem is up to that person's current partner. But if it was a random act of exposure one night before banging a one night stand, that is sexual history, not something that needs to be told. Unless of course, this person is an exhibitionist. That makes sense. If the partner who exhibited (could be either, I tried to pick a gender neutral, health risk free example) was pretty sure that new partner was not into it, and also very very sure they didn't need exhibitionism to get off and was much much more into new partner and wanted to marry and have babies and go to happy afterlife land and such with new partner, do you feel they should disclose? I do realize good case is that they disclose and new partner doesn't care, or thinks it's neat. This may not be the case though. Just curious your thoughts.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Going to have to disagree here, have you ever seen one of those lamer dudes frothing at the mouth over how their GF (or worse, some chick who turned them down) was a slut? I think the arms race on this notion is still gender competitive. Not suggesting that guys dont get jealous. But you can anticipate what a guy may get jealous over. Partners (number / scenarios/degree of commitment to them) and sometimes penis size /who was better. The things women will obsess over is amazing. Her lips , hair, rear, breasts, hips, thighs ......compared to another one Interests, like you enjoy even sproradically discussing (insert any topic from history to politics to economics etc) which she doesnt know anything about, but someone else did or probably did. You liked her family better and on and on and on
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Relationship history, because it was with his last girlfriend of three years. And whether or not that is a problem is up to that person's current partner. But if it was a random act of exposure one night before banging a one night stand, that is sexual history, not something that needs to be told. Unless of course, this person is an exhibitionist. Really? So I have to disclose which of my ex gf's liked to be tied up, spanked, forcibly sexed, pretend raped, sexed in public etc etc etc
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Not suggesting that guys dont get jealous. But you can anticipate what a guy may get jealous over. Partners (number / scenarios/degree of commitment to them) and sometimes penis size /who was better. The things women will obsess over is amazing. Her lips , hair, rear, breasts, hips, thighs ......compared to another one Interests, like you enjoy even sproradically discussing (insert any topic from history to politics to economics etc) which she doesnt know anything about, but someone else did or probably did. You liked her family better and on and on and on This is getting way off topic. No need to further in this thread, I think. I like this thread, don't want it to DIAF.
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Really? So I have to disclose which of my ex gf's liked to be tied up, spanked, forcibly sexed, pretend raped, sexed in public etc etc etc LOL yes, to me, along with their phone numbers please! Nahh that's creepy. Getting the number through someone else that is. But feel free to play matchmaker.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 LOL yes, to me, along with their phone numbers please! Nahh that's creepy. Getting the number through someone else that is. But feel free to play matchmaker. LOL I thought the normal repetitive nonsense of retelling work, school, family, etc was annoying enough. Now I have to go back and figure out and make notes of every kink to guarantee full disclosure:)
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 That makes sense. If the partner who exhibited (could be either, I tried to pick a gender neutral, health risk free example) was pretty sure that new partner was not into it, and also very very sure they didn't need exhibitionism to get off and was much much more into new partner and wanted to marry and have babies and go to happy afterlife land and such with new partner, do you feel they should disclose? I do realize good case is that they disclose and new partner doesn't care, or thinks it's neat. This may not be the case though. Just curious your thoughts. If it comes down to a serious relationship, only if the exhibitionism is currently still enjoyed does it need to be disclosed. If the partner use to enjoy exhibitionism then that is not something that needs to be disclosed. If the partner currently has urges of exhibitionism, then that is something that needs to be disclosed. But if it is something completely in the past, does it have to be disclosed? I would say no. Unless there are current consequences that resulted from those actions. (as in legal actions) If a person once enjoyed exhibitionism in his twenties, but now recognizes that as something from his youth, then it is past, only a story. We have lots of stories, not all of them should be told.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Really? So I have to disclose which of my ex gf's liked to be tied up, spanked, forcibly sexed, pretend raped, sexed in public etc etc etc haha... you don't ever disclose your bedroom habits of previous relationships. ew. lol.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 haha... you don't ever disclose your bedroom habits of previous relationships. ew. lol. Way to confusing. If anyone I am dating asks about anything, Im just going to send her to talk to you. Dont screw it up
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Way to confusing. If anyone I am dating asks about anything, Im just going to send her to talk to you. Dont screw it up Seriously! You're not going to say, "well my ex-GF liked to do this" or "she liked it that way"....! However, if you like a certain sexual activity, or you introduce it to your current GF, or just do that activity, it's assumed you learned it somewhere. Will she want to know where? maybe. Is it her business? No. And if it's something she finds really uncomfortable, then you two may not be sexually compatible.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Seriously! You're not going to say, "well my ex-GF liked to do this" or "she liked it that way"....! However, if you like a certain sexual activity, or you introduce it to your current GF, or just do that activity, it's assumed you learned it somewhere. Will she want to know where? maybe. Is it her business? No. And if it's something she finds really uncomfortable, then you two may not be sexually compatible. Yeha never been an issue. I dont have any kinks really. Just like to have a good time. Well, maybe a little dom, but I think of that as a guy thing and not a kink:)
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 No, it's called humor, or at least an attempt on it on my part. I was pretty sure the "curls into a ball and sucks thumb" part would give that away, my bad I guess! The reader was meant to infer that wifey knew beforehand that Linda was teen usa and asked. They do broadcast such things nationally. Clearly the christmas card thing was nonsense as well, the point was wifey slept with two men and hubby couldn't deal. Anyway we will have to agree to disagree.I understood that it was an attempt at humour. The only problem is that they were examples of why it's important to state upfront, what your past is all about. To get the stage of marriage, you have to accept and understand each other, as well as two people can, within the time constraints. The more you hide, the more this type of situation will happen, the shock and shift in perception, of who that person is. But yes, it appears that we'll have to agree to disagree. No offense taken or given. It's nice to debate something with someone, where they don't get butt hurt about it.
Thornton Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 @ Thornton My point is, if you ask, then I assume that you're OK with being asked. Since you don't have a need to ask, or so I assume, then it's all good. But I assume also, you don't have a need to ask, or you don't want to ask simply because you have a rather large skeleton in your closet moreso than anything else. I don't feel a need to know everything about a person's past, so I probably wouldn't ask, but it has nothing to do with hiding my own skeletons. What I mean is, I can ask a person anything I want to know without being compelled to divulge my own secrets in return. He could ask me as many questions as he likes in return, but nothing compels me to admit to skeletons he knows nothing about, I can just omit that information. So having something to hide about myself wouldn't stop me asking him questions.
Thornton Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 No, I don't see what you're getting at. Having secrets of your own doesn't prevent you from asking other people questions; you're not obliged to reveal your secrets in return. Am I missing something?
A O Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I'll put it this way - if he asks you whether you've ever cheated before, you're going to lie. And since you're going to lie, then there's little point in asking him whether he's ever had a threesome before. .
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