How much honesty is required when entering a new relationship?

[jerseyboy]

jerseyboy, once again, you're concerned about positioning yourself, hence manipulating yourself or your partner's reaction, to get what you want from them.

 

Any woman who's so sadly insecure that exes bother her, is someone who you need to seriously reconsider having a relationship with. So why not disclose and find out if it becomes an issue?

 

 

Fine

 

You, or a female friend, meets a man. Hes aware of an ex. He asks you if the man had a larger penis and did you prefer it to his?

 

 

Now the real truth is there are lots of other things you may prefer about your current mate. The other isnt as important as he may imagine. And in truth you have no desire to still be with that other person.

 

If the answer is yes and yes do you answer it?

 

Is it manipulative to fail to answer a question not by lying, but by avoiding discolosure, in answerring a question that most men cant handle, but ask anyway.. Your guy may be able to, unlike others, but you have no real way to know that.

 

And lets say he cant, you know he cant. Do you really poison a relatonship over something that means nothing to you?

[threebyfate]

Fine

 

You, or a female friend, meets a man. Hes aware of an ex. He asks you if the man had a larger penis and did you prefer it to his?

 

 

Now the real truth is there are lots of other things you may prefer about your current mate. The other isnt as important as he may imagine. And in truth you have no desire to still be with that other person.

 

If the answer is yes and yes do you answer it?

 

Is it manipulative to fail to answer a question not by lying, but by avoiding discolosure, in answerring a question that most men cant handle, but ask anyway.. Your guy may be able to, unlike others, but you have no real way to know that.

 

And lets say he cant, you know he cant. Do you really poison a relatonship over something that means nothing to you?

If a man were to ask me about penis size comparisons, I would walk away. And I kid you not about this.

[jerseyboy]

hehe... so the real question is: How do I handle my sexual baggage with my new partner?

 

 

Partly it could be. If there was nothing to diosclose there would be nothing not to disclose.

 

Yes how many people youve been with is sexual baggage. Anyone youve ever had a relationship with involves various kinds of baggage.

 

The question is how much of it do people need to know?And what are you allowed to keep to yourself because it should not be relevant

[Thornton]

You be honest. BEING HONEST is the way to earn trust. If you earn trust by being honest about your mistakes and fumbles in the past, your partner will take a leap of faith with you and trust you not to falter as you did in the past. If you hide things and they come out later, trust is compromised.

 

My experience has been exactly the opposite, particularly when it comes to the issue of cheating.

 

I cheated once, and it was years ago, with someone who I had fallen out of love with and the relationship was pretty much over. You'd think that most people would look at you and say thanks for being honest, I understand why you did that, and I'm glad you've learned enough not to want to ever do that again.

 

Nope, you couldn't be further from the truth.

 

Every person I have ever confessed this to has become extremely insecure about me cheating on them, started watching me like a hawk, brought it up all the time and started arguments about it, called me a slut/liar/bitch when they got all worked up about it; I've been accused of cheating (which I wasn't doing) because the guy was so convinced I'd repeat the pattern, and I've even been dumped because I'm "untrustworthy" - all because of one little thing years and years ago.

 

I hadn't even done anything personally to these guys - I had never cheated on them - I actually thought I was doing a good thing by being honest about my past and being mature enough to acknowledge my mistakes. But that's not how people see it at all. Cheating is one of those things that people seem to hold against you and throw in your face at every possible opportunity, so I've learned that it's best not to mention it at all.

[jerseyboy]

If a man were to ask me about penis size comparisons, I would walk away. And I kid you not about this.

 

 

I think its weird also, so I dont necessarily disagree.

 

But I also tend to find people who attempt to portray thermselves as cavalier as you have on this thread are rarely genuine, and at best lack a lot of self awareness.

 

No offense

[Edward10]

Do men really worry about this stuff? Some people obviously have no idea how hot they are.

[threebyfate]

I think its weird also, so I dont necessarily disagree.

 

But I also tend to find people who attempt to portray thermselves as cavalier as you have on this thread are rarely genuine, and at best lack a lot of self awareness.

 

No offense

And I find people who are more concerned about manipulation, rather than honesty, are individuals who have good reason to hide their past. No offense taken or intended.

[Edward10]

The question is how much of it do people need to know?And what are you allowed to keep to yourself because it should not be relevant

 

 

 

If the subject comes up listen to what they say and then say "I'll think about it". And then you can take some time to think about what you are willing to share.

 

 

Over decades you'll probably share everything, just because people talk when they are together. But trying to pry this stuff out of someone is a big mistake, in my opinion. I don't believe in playing 50 questions.

 

 

 

Any health issues must be VOLUNTARILY disclosed up front - no exceptions. But other than that, I wouldn't worry about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Uhh, were you committed to the other man in your infidelity? And you can't grow out of threesome immaturity but can out of cheating immaturity?

That is exactly the question I was going to ask.

I feel very strongly that sex is something special which should only be done within a committed relationship with a partner you trust. If a man has had threesomes in the past (or a large number of ONS, or encounters with hookers) then he clearly doesn't share that feeling, so I don't want to date him.

You betrayed your own values when you cheated, however you want to rationalize it with facts about how it was almost over, you fell out of love, etc. You made a mistake, and you deserve forgiveness and understanding for that.

 

My ex had one threesome when he was single in his early 20s, with two willing partners, for fun. He didn't regret the experience, didn't view it as an betrayal of values, but said he didn't feel any desire to do it again. I wasn't threatened by this because I viewed it as a healthy exploration of sexuality within parameters of honesty and respect. He didn't need forgiveness, as he didn't feel he'd done anything wrong, but he did need understanding, and I easily gave it to him.

[Stockalone]

Is it manipulative as one poster suggested not to want to fill someones head with useless information causing anxieties over things that really dont matter to you now?

 

It's impossible to preemptively address all concerns a SO might have along the way. I'll give you that. If they don't ask, don't tell. I can see how that makes sense.

 

But if you are being asked specific questions, shouldn't you answer them truthfully and let your SO be the one to determine what is or what isn't important to THEM?

 

I think it is manipulative if you are leaving out potentially vital information, thus taking away (or at least seriously limiting) your partner's right to decide for themselves what is and what isn't important.

[Thornton]

Uhh, were you committed to the other man in your infidelity? And you can't grow out of threesome immaturity but can out of cheating immaturity?

 

I was in a relationship with Guy #1, but it was falling apart. I met Guy #2 and began having feelings for him, I spent time with him and kissed him etc, and I felt like I was falling in love with him because I no longer loved Guy #1.

 

I was not having sex with Guy#1 because our relationship was pretty much over, and I was not having sex with Guy #2 because I hadn't known him for long enough. It's still cheating though, because I fell in love with someone else while I had a boyfriend. I left Guy #1 and started dating Guy #2 instead (and I continued dating Guy #2 for a couple of years).

 

If I mention this experience, every guy immediately assumes that I'll cheat on him - that I have to be watched like a hawk or prevented from spending time with any other man, in case I fall in love with him and end my current relationship to date this new guy. It gets thrown in my face every five minutes that I'm untrustworthy, and it causes guys not to trust me even though it was a long time ago and I didn't do it to them personally. Hence why I now choose not to mention it to anyone.

[threebyfate]

I think it is manipulative if you are leaving out potentially vital information, thus taking away (or at least seriously limiting) your partner's right to decide for themselves what is and what isn't important.

Exactly! Disclosure is key to gauging a potential partner. It also gives you some insight into future reactions or over-reactions, when it concerns something that appears insignificant to you. Using manipulation like this, allows you control over how they view you. Bad mojo.

[Ody]

When you're so busy positioning yourself with someone else, this is about personal insecurities, ones you don't trust the other person enough, to reveal.

 

I'm quite willing to date someone with insecurities. In this case of disclosure I'm more worried about theirs than mine, I'm a fairly accepting person and also very self confident.

 

I think you underestimate how widespread insecurities are, and how someone else's insecurities are best dealt with. Saying "I will always disclose to a partner" implies that either:

 

1. The partner will always be asking out of sincere trust and desire to know, or

2. that you are willing to lay your entire past out to someone with insecurities about some of those topics.

 

I do not agree with number two. I think most of the people saying they would always disclose have not considered number two in much depth.

 

I also think some people in this thread are rationalizing their own insecurities as rational statements about sexual values. That's why we get completely contradictory statements about what's OK and what's not, all in similar "this is just clearly and rationally not OK" language. I disagree, I think that it's more about these people's whims, what they think is "icky", but no one likes to put it that way.

 

Personally I see asking about past threesomes and asking about past penis size in the same ridiculus light. They are both irrelevant. Yet one is being clearly viewed as a personal insecurity, and the other as some deep and telling fact. It's not some telling fact, it's the same thing. You'd rather not hear about hubby getting licked on by two chicks, and I'd rather not hear about wifey getting plowed by Mr. Hung. No biggie, and no talky. And if you do hear about it, well just get over it, fast.

[Edward10]

OK I'm amending my answer:

 

1. disclose health issues up front.

2. Disclose strong bisexuality up front.

 

I've heard some heart breaking stories on LS about partners who ride both horses if you know what I mean.

 

 

Can you imagine falling in love with someone and realizing you have the wrong body parts to make them satisfied?

[jerseyboy]

And I find people who are more concerned about manipulation, rather than honesty, are individuals who have good reason to hide their past. No offense taken or intended.

 

 

Few things, because your reading comprehension is apparently lacking.

 

First I havent posted a "what should I do " thread. If you wish to personalize a theoretical discussion, then feel free to miss the point, an occurence I imagine happens quite often with you.

 

If I did need serious responses regarding my personal behavior, I wouldnt be requesting them of random strangers, of whom and whose qualifications to respond to such inquieries I cant begin to discern.

 

What I was curious about is how other people determine what is and isnt important to know, and how they draw their conclusions. Additionally I was curious to poll what people feel entitled to know about the person they are with, and if individuals shared a general consensus on these matters.

 

But feel free to carry on with your bitterness crusade.

[Thornton]

Cheating is something that happened in a particular context, because I fell in love with someone else while I was still technically in a relationship. It had nothing to do with sex since I wasn't sleeping with either person.

 

Threesomes etc imply something much more fundamental about a person's feelings about casual sex - I wouldn't engage in one or date someone who has, because they obviously don't have the same feelings about the specialness of sex as I do. Not to mention I don't want to date someone who's been promiscuous because of the risk of STDs and the likelihood that they'll want to engage in questionable sexual practices.

[Ms. Joolie]

Well, I just think a good woman would see the person for who he is. If she asked a question about his past, then the man should honestly answer it.

 

If she asked a bunch of questions about his past, she's a little insecure about something perhaps.

 

After all, as with anything, you can' t judge a person solely on their past. It's not a complete indicator to who that person is.

 

I would follow this myself, or rather, I do follow it. I don't ask a guy a bunch of questions about his past. It's odd even if he brings it up. What matters is who they are today, what he does today. That's what attracted me. That's the person that I would want to get to know.

 

Obviously he would have a past. I'll find out about it I'm sure. Either he'll tell me because he feels obliged to, or I will ask him something that is on my mind and hope for an honest answer.

 

But as far as what you are obliged to tell the other person? Nothing. Unless you feel you are your past.

[Ody]

First off 3bF I said "you" in my past thread but meant it generally to the thread, not to you, I don't recall if you said anything about threesomes!

 

Hence why I now choose not to mention it to anyone.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you. Past cheating is not a dealbreaker for me. However, don't you see how you are doing the same judgement thing about threesomes that these guys are doing about cheating?

[Ody]

Cheating is something that happened in a particular context

[...]

Threesomes etc imply something much more fundamental

 

**To you** it does. Which is fine. In fact necesary. But it doesn't have to imply this to everyone. Something about your tone though seems to imply you think it's fine for you to feel this way, but not fine for someone else to think the reverse. Sorry if I am misreading.

[threebyfate]

I'm quite willing to date someone with insecurities. In this case of disclosure I'm more worried about theirs than mine, I'm a fairly accepting person and also very self confident.

 

I think you underestimate how widespread insecurities are, and how someone else's insecurities are best dealt with. Saying "I will always disclose to a partner" implies that either:

 

1. The partner will always be asking out of sincere trust and desire to know, or

2. that you are willing to lay your entire past out to someone with insecurities about some of those topics.

 

I do not agree with number two. I think most of the people saying they would always disclose have not considered number two in much depth.

 

I also think some people in this thread are rationalizing their own insecurities as rational statements about sexual values. That's why we get completely contradictory statements about what's OK and what's not, all in similar "this is just clearly and rationally not OK" language. I disagree, I think that it's more about these people's whims, what they think is "icky", but no one likes to put it that way.

 

Personally I see asking about past threesomes and asking about past penis size in the same ridiculus light. They are both irrelevant. Yet one is being clearly viewed as a personal insecurity, and the other as some deep and telling fact. It's not some telling fact, it's the same thing. You'd rather not hear about hubby getting licked on by two chicks, and I'd rather not hear about wifey getting plowed by Mr. Hung. No biggie, and no talky. And if you do hear about it, well just get over it, fast.

Ody, you realize that you believe you're a better judge of need, than the person who actually feels the need. If that's not the case, how can you believe that it's your right to limit their knowledge of you? Or is it that you're insecure about your past and feel guilty?

 

Twist it and turn it, it's still not giving your potential partner a complete picture of you.

 

Holding onto a partner by positioning yourself, no matter which way you do it, is doing it under false pretences. Your potential partner deserves to judge for themselves, what's a deal-breaker and what's not a deal-breaker. To believe that they don't, puts them on a lower rung of dependant, rather than partner.

[Edward10]

Are threesomes a big deal?

 

 

I put them in the same category as pot. Something other people do, but not something I've ever been exposed to.

 

Still trying to come up with something to confess. Feeling left out. The lack of confession vs volume of confession concerns balance themselves out. It is all self-harm and is just a different form of expression of the same problem.

[jerseyboy]

 

I think it is manipulative if you are leaving out potentially vital information, thus taking away (or at least seriously limiting) your partner's right to decide for themselves what is and what isn't important.

 

I dont disagree. Which was why Im curious as to how others view where to draw the line. What constitutes too much information. What constitutes an unhealthy invasion of your or their privacy. What would be manipulative and unfair to not disclose.

[Thornton]

However, don't you see how you are doing the same judgement thing about threesomes that these guys are doing about cheating?

 

I don't think it is the same. Promiscuity is a huge turn-off for me; I don't want to date some guy who's banged half the county and clearly detaches emotion from sex, not to mention the huge risk of having sex with him because of the amount of diseases going around. The fact that I fell in love with someone else while already in a (non-sexual) relationship isn't really the same as someone being a slut and putting it about indiscriminately, now is it?

[Ody]

Ody, you realize that you believe you're a better judge of need, than the person who actually feels the need.

 

This is insightful and also true. In the limited case or whether or not my partner needs to know that ten years ago I nailed some Maxim model or whatever, I do consider myself a better judge of need. If my partner chooses to make a similar judgement call about that night she had with the Denver Broncos in 1996, well more power to her, as long as there are no concrete health/STD/whatever considerations. Probably unnecesary on her part, since I'm not a football fan, but I don't lose sleep over the notion. Thank god I haven't had a threesome!

[Ody]

The fact that I fell in love with someone else while already in a (non-sexual) relationship isn't really the same as someone being a slut and putting it about indiscriminately, now is it?

 

It's not the same. In fact I think #1 is much worse. But that's just my opinion. As long as you see yours as an opinion as well, and not somehow objectively more true, I think it's quite reasonable.