threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 haha... if the guy I was dating started to tell me about his sexual stories, that would be something. I'd have to ask myself, "now why is he telling me this??" Save the stories for your guy friends.I wouldn't be so kind. Nothing like a direct comment to stymy someone with verbal diarrhea. For certain, anything he's willing to tell, he'll also be willing to tell someone else, about our bedroom escapades. Indiscretion is so unattractive.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 haha... If the guy i was dating started to tell me about his sexual stories, that would be something. I'd have to ask myself, "now why is he telling me this??" save the stories for your guy friends. lol.......................
Stockalone Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I dont really mean deal breaker kind of behavior like I "used" to be gay, or honey I used to be a prostitute. Different people will have different deal breakers. Personally, I don't share, so if a woman had a threesome in the past, that is a deal breaker. I also think that people have the right to ask every question they want. I certainly ask about a potential gf's past and her views about sex in general. That doesn't mean that I feel entitled to get more than a "none of your business" answer though.
A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 More along th lines of are they entitled to know if youve been with a large (or for that matter small) number of partners with specificity. I add the latter because I do find people get embarassed about that as well. No. I've never needed to ask and no one's ever needed to ask me. If the issue were to ever come up and they weren't happy with my answer, they can walk away. There are other ways to recognize potentially promiscuous behavior, the way a person dresses, acts, whether their actions match their words, the speed and forcefulness one shows towards sex, etc. .
Thornton Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think it's reasonable to talk about STDs, sexual preferences, likes and dislikes, particularly if you like things which might not be everyone's cup of tea. It's also reasonable to reveal whether you've been married before and if so why the marriage ended. I also think it's important to reveal whether you've been with prostitutes or others of the same gender, or engaged in things like threesomes and ONS, because those things are a dealbreaker for many people (including me - I won't date any guy who sleeps with hookers or other men, or who has had threesomes or enjoys freaky things like asphyxiation; I don't mind a few ONS but if he makes a habit of it then that's also a dealbreaker). Things that are not up for discussion are the number of people you've slept with (unless it's a virginal low number or a sex-addict high number, in which case you need to talk about it), the specific activities you've engaged in (unless those activities might be a dealbreaker for your new partner), the exact details of every relationship you ever had and why it ended, your feelings about your exes, details of past pregnancy scares, whether you ever cheated before, etc. In a nutshell: You need to reveal the things that would affect your new partner and your relationship, but you have a right to privacy regarding everything else. Some people also choose to disclose other things, but I would always advise against it because you're setting yourself up for a fall, e.g. if you tell a guy you once cheated he'll never trust you again because he'll expect you to repeat that behaviour, and you don't want to make yourself sound like a slut, or like someone who can't hold a normal relationship together. If you tell a guy stuff that you don't have to tell him, you can guarantee he'll hold it against you, so you're better off not telling him.
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 If a partner holds your past or uses it against you, it's a great indicator of someone to walk away from. It's only happened to me with one guy but it pretty much slammed shut the door to any future possibilities.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I think it's reasonable to talk about STDs, sexual preferences, likes and dislikes, particularly if you like things which might not be everyone's cup of tea. It's also reasonable to reveal whether you've been married before and if so why the marriage ended. I also think it's important to reveal whether you've been with prostitutes or others of the same gender, or engaged in things like threesomes and ONS, because those things are a dealbreaker for many people (including me - I won't date any guy who sleeps with hookers or other men, or who has had threesomes or enjoys freaky things like asphyxiation; I don't mind a few ONS but if he makes a habit of it then that's also a dealbreaker). Things that are not up for discussion are the number of people you've slept with (unless it's a virginal low number or a sex-addict high number, in which case you need to talk about it), the specific activities you've engaged in (unless those activities might be a dealbreaker for your new partner), the exact details of every relationship you ever had and why it ended, your feelings about your exes, details of past pregnancy scares, whether you ever cheated before, etc. In a nutshell: You need to reveal the things that would affect your new partner and your relationship, but you have a right to privacy regarding everything else. Some people also choose to disclose other things, but I would always advise against it because you're setting yourself up for a fall, e.g. if you tell a guy you once cheated he'll never trust you again because he'll expect you to repeat that behaviour, and you don't want to make yourself sound like a slut, or like someone who can't hold a normal relationship together. If you tell a guy stuff that you don't have to tell him, you can guarantee he'll hold it against you, so you're better off not telling him. So in your opinion youre entitled to know if he had sex with two women at once, but he isnt entitled to know if your last relationship ended due to infidelity on your part? Oddly I would of reversed the two. Although since I have cheated in the past , albeit when I was much younger, and have managed committed long term relationships since, I guess the cheating is something they are entitled o know. In any case a " no comment" answer is worst than the truth, and I wouldnt wish to enter a relationsip intentionally lying.
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Nope. Nope. Nope. I feel entitled to be informed of STDs (herpes, HIV, etc.). But that's about it. However, I also feel entitled to honesty. If the number of partners was a question I ask my dates/bfs (it's not), I would expect him to either tell me, or tell me that he won't tell me that - don't lie and make up a number. Ditto on activities. You don't have to tell me, but don't lie. That just sets you up for problems later on when I find out you lied. New Again wrote my answer for me, which was pretty nice of her. I'll add it depends on the partner. Some people are more comfortable speaking of risque or difficult things so there will be some flexibility and judgement calls to make. Since I don't have some invented notion of what my perfect partner will be I have no idea what their comfort level will be. honesty is only feared by liars because they can't keep their stories straight. Jerseyboy was very careful to stress the difference between lying and saying "I'm not willing to discuss this". "Feared" is not the right word, but using it anyway, I certainly fear my GF being insecure because five years ago I slept with some chick who was a perfect 10, or my GF feeling slutty because she had more partners, or my GF thinking that I'm slutty because I had more partners, and I really don't need to know if her last BF had a half meter member even though it's not a dealbreaker. That doesn't make me a lair, or her either.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 So in your opinion youre entitled to know if he had sex with two women at once, but he isnt entitled to know if your last relationship ended due to infidelity on your part? I agree that info about infidelities is more important than (or at least AS important as) info about sexual experimentation. My last bf had participated in a threesome and once cheated -- I viewed the threesome as a novelty, but the cheating as something worthy of more consideration and possible concern.
CLC2008 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 So in your opinion youre entitled to know if he had sex with two women at once, but he isnt entitled to know if your last relationship ended due to infidelity on your part? Oddly I would of reversed the two. Although since I have cheated in the past , albeit when I was much younger, and have managed committed long term relationships since, I guess the cheating is something they are entitled o know. In any case a " no comment" answer is worst than the truth, and I wouldnt wish to enter a relationsip intentionally lying. A person doesn't "manage" a committed long term relationship, in order not to cheat. You manage yourself as a person first, not to cheat. I would absolutley want to know if someone had a history of cheating, because that is one thing, I would not accept knowing and being "okay" with it. As for the original question, my sexual past is my business, and mine alone. If my bf asked though, I would have no qualms with telling him whatever he wanted to know, so long as he felt he could handle it. I don't think my past history is bad or outrageous, but sometimes it's difficult for a siginificant other to digest, which I guess is pretty normal.
Thornton Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Having cheated in the past is the main thing someone will hold against you if you reveal it, so if you did it and don't intend to do it again you should never confess, unless you want to have it thrown back in your face every five minutes. If someone cheated once and definitely doesn't intend to do it again, revealing it can have no benefits and will only cause the other partner to have serious worries. Past infidelity doesn't necessarily have an impact on the present relationship if the person is determined never to do it again, so imo it's not a helpful thing to reveal. Having threesomes, however, says something about how a man regards women as sex objects (or how a woman is a slut) and thinks that casual sex with multiple partners is perfectly ok, plus it could have serious repercussions for the present relationship if the person in question wishes to continue that sort of behaviour, so it's a serious dealbreaker and therefore needs to be revealed.
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 This thread is very much about people positioning themselves to potential partners. Instead of doing that, why not let it all hang out so that it doesn't come as a shock to the other person, when you turn into yourself?
Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Having cheated in the past is the main thing someone will hold against you if you reveal it, so if you did it and don't intend to do it again you should never confess, unless you want to have it thrown back in your face every five minutes. If someone cheated once and definitely doesn't intend to do it again, revealing it can have no benefits and will only cause the other partner to have serious worries. Past infidelity doesn't necessarily have an impact on the present relationship if the person is determined never to do it again, so imo it's not a helpful thing to reveal. Having threesomes, however, says something about how a man regards women as sex objects (or how a woman is a slut) and thinks that casual sex with multiple partners is perfectly ok, plus it could have serious repercussions for the present relationship if the person in question wishes to continue that sort of behaviour, so it's a serious dealbreaker and therefore needs to be revealed. Reading your post, it sounds to me like you have cheated in the past but are judgmental about and possibly threatened by threesomes, as you rationalize the former and condemn the latter. I totally disagree with your assessment of what having a threesome means. I don't think it has anything to do with viewing women as sex objects or being a slut. You are projecting your biases.
Thornton Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I viewed the threesome as a novelty, but the cheating as something worthy of more consideration and possible concern. I would absolutley want to know if someone had a history of cheating, because that is one thing, I would not accept knowing and being "okay" with it. This is exactly why you should never reveal if you've cheated in the past, particularly if you regret it and never intend to do it again. You could be totally in love with your partner and never intend to cheat on them, but they'll never believe that once they know you have a history of cheating, and they'll throw it back in your face all the time. They might even end the relationship because they don't trust you, despite you not having cheated on them personally.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Fuel to the fire is where does disclosure stop For example. If you were in a long term relationship its pretty difficult for your new partner not to have to know about it. So now you have to go through the whole why did you leave thing. Why didnt you get married. And if there were issues why did you stay together for so long. Things that people dont necessarily want to know, but they ask the questions, then build up insecurities for themselves about it. I think its somewhat different for guys, at leasst it is for me, but with a lot of women the whole comparing themselves to the ex thing is huge and poisons a new relationship So what do you do
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 A person doesn't "manage" a committed long term relationship, in order not to cheat. You manage yourself as a person first, not to cheat. . Im just writing train of thought here, dont read more into the phrasing than intended.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 So what do you do You be honest. BEING HONEST is the way to earn trust. If you earn trust by being honest about your mistakes and fumbles in the past, your partner will take a leap of faith with you and trust you not to falter as you did in the past. If you hide things and they come out later, trust is compromised.
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 jerseyboy, once again, you're concerned about positioning yourself, hence manipulating yourself or your partner's reaction, to get what you want from them. Any woman who's so sadly insecure that exes bother her, is someone who you need to seriously reconsider having a relationship with. So why not disclose and find out if it becomes an issue?
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 why not let it all hang out so that it doesn't come as a shock to the other person, when you turn into yourself? Because statements like this imply there is some objective standard of what's OK to reveal, and that revelation has some objective, concrete connection to what time of person you are. However, when you see this in the very same thread: I agree that info about infidelities is more important than [...] threesome [...] I viewed the threesome as a novelty cheated [...] you should never confess [...] Having threesomes[...] needs to be revealed. it's clear that it's usually just a personal standard, hardly objective, bordering on whim and impossible to predict ahead of time. Any statement like "you should always be 100% open" implicitly predicts what kind of prejudices your partner will have in the future, and I don't feel comfortable with that assumption. So I don't think these revelation talks are usually about getting to know the person better. They are usually about our own insecurities, trying to make sure we "measure up", and all kind of other unhealthiness. And if I get a whiff of that, I'm just shutting up. Sure, if I was with a woman who I truly felt had few or no self esteem issues, was not judgemental, and very fair and open minded, yeah I might confess all. Likewise if I feel I am in a healthy enough state with someone whose past I will find interesting, not threatening, I would want to know all. But these character aspects in a partner are not my top or only criteria, and if I'm with someone who in most ways is just kickass, but has a hangup about whether I slept with someone cuter than her or had ten more partners than her, I'm damn sure going to keep it to myself.
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Any woman who's so sadly insecure that exes bother her, is someone who you need to seriously reconsider having a relationship with Hmm, that may narrow the field of applicants down prohibitively...
Thornton Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Reading your post, it sounds to me like you have cheated in the past but are judgmental about and possibly threatened by threesomes, as you rationalize the former and condemn the latter. I feel very strongly that sex is something special which should only be done within a committed relationship with a partner you trust. If a man has had threesomes in the past (or a large number of ONS, or encounters with hookers) then he clearly doesn't share that feeling, so I don't want to date him. He's perfectly entitled to do that sort of thing if he wants - I believe in live and let live - but I don't want to date him if he has that sort of viewpoint regarding sex. When it comes to cheating - yes, I cheated when I was younger. It was right at the end of a relationship which was falling apart - I had feelings for someone else and I spent time with this person, and I struggled for a couple of weeks deciding what to do for the best. In the end I decided I should end the relationship and date the other guy instead because I clearly wasn't in love with my bf. I have been honest about this experience in the past, and you'd be surprised how often it was thrown back in my face. Confessing such a thing results in immense insecurity on the part of the other person, even though it was a long time ago, I haven't cheated on them personally and I don't intend to do it again. I've been accused of being a slut and a liar, of being an evil b*tch, of cheating on my current partner despite not having done anything (just because I "have a history of cheating"); it gets dragged up over and over again, and I've even been dumped for cheating even though I didn't cheat on my current partner, it was at the end of a relationship with someone else absolutely years ago! It really p*sses me off that people jump on this whole cheating thing and they're like a dog with a bone, they simply won't let go of it... it ruins relationships and people won't let it be in the past, so now I simply don't mention it.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 You be honest. BEING HONEST is the way to earn trust. If you earn trust by being honest about your mistakes and fumbles in the past, your partner will take a leap of faith with you and trust you not to falter as you did in the past. If you hide things and they come out later, trust is compromised. I see it as an issue of disclosure and not honesty, I mean what if the answer is because the sexual attraction was just so amazing between the two of you, physically she really was your ideal (in ways the new person isnt, especially if she asks for a description), and although lots of things were wrong in the relationship, other things were perfectly right, such as the way you enjoyed each others company, outsaide interests etc And you were just f'ing younger at the time, and not necessarily obsessing with long term qualities of a potentially "marriagable" mate Theoretically yes, an emotionally mature and secure person should be able to deal with just about anything. How many people like that truly exist? Is it manipulative as one poster suggested not to want to fill someones head with useless information causing anxieties over things that really dont matter to you now?
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Ody, viable relationships are built on trust, respect, like and love. They also include acceptance and understanding of each other. When you're so busy positioning yourself with someone else, this is about personal insecurities, ones you don't trust the other person enough, to reveal. Look to compatibility, which includes values, goals, etc.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 hehe... so the real question is: How do I handle my sexual baggage with my new partner?
Ody Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I feel very strongly that sex is something special which should only be done within a committed relationship [...] When it comes to cheating - yes, I cheated when I was younger. Uhh, were you committed to the other man in your infidelity? And you can't grow out of threesome immaturity but can out of cheating immaturity?
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