jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Im curious as to what people think of the following. How much is a new partner entitled to know about your past relationships and sexual activity? More so for older people. Youre a thirty soemthing single man or woman or older. Realistically there is a lot of "baggage" Are they entitled to know how many partners? All the kind of activities you may have participated in? Do you feel entitled to know?
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 The beginning of all relationships, defines the patterns of behaviour for the rest of the relationship. If you start one without honesty, expect that it will fail.
carhill Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 How much is a new partner entitled to know about your past relationships and sexual activity? Prior to any sexual intimacy, I have no problem answering questions about my relationship history or having a proactive discussion. I don't f*ck women at random so don't mind sharing the realities of those choices with someone I care about. I'm 50.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 The beginning of all relationships, defines the patterns of behaviour for the rest of the relationship. If you start one without honesty, expect that it will fail. Your post leads me to add something I thought was assumed, but I can see why it wouldnt be. I am not implying a person lie about the past. Rather set booundaries on what they are willing to discuss and how much they are willing to tell. Along the lines of " My past is my past, I dont wish to discuss it, I dont think it is pertinent to us, or would be in any way helpful to a new relatronship"
New Again Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Are they entitled to know how many partners? Nope. All the kind of activities you may have participated in? Nope. Do you feel entitled to know? Nope. I feel entitled to be informed of STDs (herpes, HIV, etc.). But that's about it. However, I also feel entitled to honesty. If the number of partners was a question I ask my dates/bfs (it's not), I would expect him to either tell me, or tell me that he won't tell me that - don't lie and make up a number. Ditto on activities. You don't have to tell me, but don't lie. That just sets you up for problems later on when I find out you lied.
carhill Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 " My past is my past, I dont wish to discuss it, I dont think it is pertinent to us, or would be in any way helpful to a new relatronship"I thought this way about my stbx's 'past' and history did come up and bite me. Past behavior can be a strong predictor of future behavior. My response to such an assertion would be negative. Live and learn
New Again Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Your post leads me to add something I thought was assumed, but I can see why it wouldnt be. I am not implying a person lie about the past. Rather set booundaries on what they are willing to discuss and how much they are willing to tell. Along the lines of " My past is my past, I dont wish to discuss it, I dont think it is pertinent to us, or would be in any way helpful to a new relatronship" Setting boundaries is healthy and desirable
New Again Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I thought this way about my stbx's 'past' and history did come up and bite me. Past behavior can be a strong predictor of future behavior. My response to such an assertion would be negative. Live and learn Oh, hmm. One thing that kinda bugs me is that I can't get a straight answer out of my bf on whether or not he's ever cheated on a gf or gfs. I also do like to know why a guy's past relationships ended.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I feel entitled to be informed of STDs (herpes, HIV, etc.). But that's about it. However, I also feel entitled to honesty. If the number of partners was a question I ask my dates/bfs (it's not), I would expect him to either tell me, or tell me that he won't tell me that - don't lie and make up a number. Ditto on activities. You don't have to tell me, but don't lie. That just sets you up for problems later on when I find out you lied. Agree with al of that. Dont ask, dont tell, so long as it isnt directly relevant to that person. STD's for sure. Prior marriages I do think would be relevent, albeit non applicable, same with children. also non applicable. And I wouldnt directly lie, or implly a lower number of partners for example. More along the lines of Im a (insert age) year old man, Ive dated all that time.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 How much is a new partner entitled to know about your past relationships and sexual activity? You don't have to say anything about it, imo. However, when I'm dating someone new... and it gets to the bedroom... his past sexual activity can be assumed by three things: 1) his known relationship history 2) his sexual performance 3) his sexual desires he makes known, or how he wants to be pleased So although you don't have to say anything about it, who you are more or less will represent itself. It shouldn't be a problem for someone who is really interested in you, if that's what you are worried about. I mean, who you are is who you are. That's who they are interested in, that's what you are offering. It's all good.
DustySaltus Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 My last relationship ended in a broken engagement. I don't think i'm compelled to tell someone about that right away but down the line when they are looking to get more serious I have to tell them. I'm dating a few different women right now and having a lot of fun. i've told them that the next "relationship" i'm in I want to last for a long, long time. So, i'm not ruling any of them out yet, just holding open auditions. A little competition is always healthy. I would be lying though if I said I'm not a little scarred from what happened to me. Trusting someone completely down the line will happen, I just don't know when. I just want to try and get to know someone as much as I possibly can before I open myself up again. I hope that day comes....
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 You don't have to say anything about it, imo. However, when I'm dating someone new... and it gets to the bedroom... his past sexual activity can be assumed by three things: 1) his known relationship history 2) his sexual performance 3) his sexual desires he makes known, or how he wants to be pleased So although you don't have to say anything about it, who you are more or less will represent itself. It shouldn't be a problem for someone who is really interested in you, if that's what you are worried about. I mean, who you are is who you are. That's who they are interested in, that's what you are offering. It's all good. I think my intention is more along the lines of finding out how much of how I feel is self serving and rationalized, and how much is a genuinely healthy way to behave. But then again I dont ask questions either . I dont feel a need to know things like how many men have you been with, how many one night stands, how many relationships, the seemingly obligatory who was the best/biggest. I just feel people make those kind of answers their lense, instead of viewing the relationship through its own lense. And quite frankly, people do have a tendency to turn that kind of thing back on you, and use it to feed and justify their own insecurities. Especially when one ffleshes it out well for them with detalied confessions
torranceshipman Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think they are entiled to know as much as you feel willing/comfortable telling them. I've got no desire to know details of my boyfriends relationship history - no real interest and also I feel kind of uncomfortable discussing his/my history, tbh. Why would we want to trade details of when we were involved ith other people? Thats just a personal thing tho, I am sure lots of people like to know this stuff....
carhill Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I also do like to know why a guy's past relationships ended. I think that's reasonable and, if a woman asked me, I'd share the good and bad of why our M ended, meaning taking responsibility for my own unhealthy choices and what I learned in MC. She could then form her own conclusions as to whether my actions and words matched up.
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I think that's reasonable and, if a woman asked me, I'd share the good and bad of why our M ended, meaning taking responsibility for my own unhealthy choices and what I learned in MC. She could then form her own conclusions as to whether my actions and words matched up. I agree with that as well
Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 It depends on the degree on honesty (= intimacy) you want in your relationship. I am not happy with anything less than true closeness, so a view of the big picture of his life, mine, and how they meld together is critical to me. Also, I believe that if you are with a person who is mature and with whom you are truly compatible, no truth about your life will be a deal-breaker. I will answer honestly any question my partner wants an answer to.
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 honesty is only feared by liars because they can't keep their stories straight.
carhill Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Perhaps the OP title should focus on 'disclosure' rather than 'honesty'. Some people choose not to disclose certain aspects of their private lives to others but are honest in their dealings and disclosures. I can see that delineation. To me, in an intimate relationship, not merely a sexual relationship of convenience, withholding disclosures from my inquiring partner would impact the dynamic of intimacy. A big lesson I learned, and am now watchful for, is to be careful with people who do disclose but do not take personal responsibility, rather put responsibility upon others for relationship failures. When a relationship fails or ends (assuming no one died), both partners share unique responsibility. Accepting that responsibility and talking about it, to me, is a sign of health. YMMV
Author jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 It depends on the degree on honesty (= intimacy) you want in your relationship. I am not happy with anything less than true closeness, so a view of the big picture of his life, mine, and how they meld together is critical to me. Also, I believe that if you are with a person who is mature and with whom you are truly compatible, no truth about your life will be a deal-breaker. I will answer honestly any question my partner wants an answer to. This is a tough topic to clarify. I dont really mean deal breaker kind of behavior like I "used" to be gay, or honey I used to be a prostitute. More along th lines of are they entitled to know if youve been with a large (or for that matter small) number of partners with specificity. I add the latter because I do find people get embarassed about that as well. Does she have to know the story of how you met two airline stewardesses that one night and things got pretty wild. Or if as a lark you were a stripper at some bachelorette party for some girls you knew one night? Or what happened there? etc etc
Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) More along th lines of are they entitled to know if youve been with a large (or for that matter small) number of partners with specificity. I add the latter because I do find people get embarassed about that as well. Does she have to know the story of how you met two airline stewardesses that one night and things got pretty wild. Or if as a lark you were a stripper at some bachelorette party for some girls you knew one night? Or what happened there? etc etc Entitled? No one is entitled to anything. The extent of your disclosure is up to you. In any relationship, I am an open book about myself because I believe this nurtures trust, closeness, and growth. Perhaps my opinion is colored by the fact that my sexual past is pretty tame (low # of partners, mostly long-term), but I think that I would be honest and open no matter what my past had been. If my partner saw an active sexual past as a deal-breaker, it would be his choice to make that call. But the best thing I can do to foster trust, no matter my history, is to be honest. Edited November 20, 2009 by Ruby Slippers
threebyfate Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Your post leads me to add something I thought was assumed, but I can see why it wouldnt be. I am not implying a person lie about the past. Rather set booundaries on what they are willing to discuss and how much they are willing to tell. Along the lines of " My past is my past, I dont wish to discuss it, I dont think it is pertinent to us, or would be in any way helpful to a new relatronship"That's a deal-breaker in my books, reliant on question asked. What's private is what happened, while in the bedroom and is solely between the two individuals involved. Numbers gives you an indication of how someone views sex and love.
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 If my partner saw an active sexual past as a deal-breaker, it would be his choice to make that call. But the best thing I can do to foster trust, no matter my history, is to be honest. This is a tough one, because guys are really territorial about their women. lol I'll try to think of something I would have to confess.....
Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 This is a tough one, because guys are really territorial about their women. If a man were to hold my past against me now, I wouldn't be hurt if he chose not to be with me.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Does she have to know the story of how you met two airline stewardesses that one night and things got pretty wild. Or if as a lark you were a stripper at some bachelorette party for some girls you knew one night? Or what happened there? etc etc haha... if the guy I was dating started to tell me about his sexual stories, that would be something. I'd have to ask myself, "now why is he telling me this??" Save the stories for your guy friends.
carhill Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think it's instructive to know whether a person has had and enjoys random sex, like ONS. That would be an opportunity to learn and communicate. Specifics aren't necessary, but understanding their perspective, whether past or current, is good information. The same would go for infidelity. Again, not the specifics, but how they felt about that perspective and dealt with it. Conversely, inhibitions regarding intimacy, both sexual and emotional, would be valuable information to discuss and learn from. To me, it all speaks to compatibility, rather than 'right and wrong'. People's past is their past; it is what has contributed to who they are today. Nothing wrong with acknowleging that construct and moving forward
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