Khabarak Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 There is a girl at work who I'm thinking about trying to talk to... Currently I only work one day a week, and this is the last week I'll be working this job until at least next May (if not forever). In other words, its pretty much this week or never. This particular girl is friends with some of my friends on Facebook, so I've been considering adding her as a friend myself. If I do, I'd probably add a quick note just saying who I am... not more than one short sentence (i.e., that we work together and what I do). My intent would simply be to make saying hello in person slightly less awkward for myself. Most people here seem to view Facebook as complete evil when it comes to approaching someone new... Personally, I don't see the problem with this (at least not in this situation), but I thought I'd gather some other opinions simply because it is an option. Let me know what you think.
mtz Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think you should just send her a message with your friend request. Saying why you are adding her and who you are. Feel free to tell her that you found her interesting and want to become friends, or want to get to know her better. Something along those lines should work for you.
Author Khabarak Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Alright, thanks for your input. I'll go ahead and send a request. =)
boogieboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 DOnt add her on FB until you talk to her in person. Adding strangers on FB to date is creepy and cowardly. She knows that you work with her, she wil be turned off when she realizes you were too chicken to approach her in person. Put it this way...women LOVE it when a guy approaches them in person, because they can never do it. Its daring, and it builds attraction. Think about how all that daring goes out the window when youre trying to do it on the internet?
radwimps Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) Khabarak, I've been reading many other of your threads and even saw the picture you posted as well. I'll tell you EXACTLY what's wrong with your actions. Before you read it, I want you to understand that I'm not flaming you, I'm telling you all these things because I GENUINELY want to help you out. First of all, you are not BAD looking, but you're not that good looking either. I see guys like you all the time everywhere. I'm a guy, please take it as however you may. But looks don't matter that much, you have good enough of a face to score even the hottest chicks, but lack some SERIOUS confidence and SOME common sense. In other words, you are socially awkward. Now, others have told you this as well, but I will restate again, you always seem to brush off any criticism posted against you in your other threads. STOP BEING SO NEEDY and STOP ADDING PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW on facebook. Facebook IS NOT, and I repeat, IS NOT a place to meet girls. Girls like confidence more than looks, and you COMPLETELY lose all respect from the girl the moment you add her on facebook(especially if you have never even talked to her in person). The moment you add her on facebook, this is what girls think -"Huh who is this?" -*Reads your message* "Oh wow I never knew this guy was at my work, I bet he finds me hot because he added me, what a creeper" -"Well he seems like a pussy so whatever, he's not really gorgeous looking either" -*Accepts your friend request* "Oh wow now he's messaging me, whatever ill just give him hints that Im not interested and if he doesnt pick up on it I'll just ignore him" You wouldn't believe how many stories I've heard from my ex-s and "girl" friends about random "Creeps" adding them on facebook. Yes, that's right, you are instantly labeled a "Creeper" unless you are drop-dead-gorgeous looking if you just add her out of nowhere. I experience this myself as well, random girls adding me out of nowhere and start talking, this is fine for a girl to do because guys don't necessarily look for confidence in girls. However guys doing this is a whole different story, you instantly give off the Stalker vibe. This is what she thinks of you if you talk to her in person: -"Oh hey, he's talking to me, I guess he likes me a bit, and he's got some confidence" *Girls notice guys all the time, even if you don't seem to notice it. With your face I'm sure she recognizes you if she's seen you. -"aww he's blushing, he must not be used to it, might be cute" * You guys keep talking -"Maybe I'll give him a chance if he seems like a cool/confident guy" She will give you some chance provided that you don't **** up the conversation royally, and this will actually GO SOMEWHERE. So bottom line is, I might sound harsh but Stop being so insecure/pussy/creepy/inconfident/weird. These are the things that women HATE to see in men, and right now you have all of those attributes. And it's VERY easy to overcome it just by realizing that you are not so much of a trash like you think you are. My guy buddies would always say "Man up and pick up your ****" I hope you take this post seriously and not as another "Flame" EDIT: I just saw you that you are sending the request, you can consider your relationship with her completely bombed/non existent now. Edited November 20, 2009 by radwimps
Author Khabarak Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I honestly don't know why I even bother with this site... People, like you, radwimp, say they want to help, but they just tell me to not be insecure, to be more confident etc... If you really want to offer help, offer advice on how to become more secure, more confident, etc. I said it in my previous post, but I'll say it again. People don't just magically become more secure or confident. All my life I've been the model that everyone else tries to match up to (this alone should make me feel good, but it doesn't). Whenever I failed, even in the slightest, it was a big deal. Everyone knew, everyone mentioned it, everyone had to know what happened. Do you know what it is like to have to tell your failures to 30 different people? Maybe for you it is as simple as telling yourself you're not trash, but for me it is not. Not to mention, I absolutely hate it when people say adding random people on Facebook is creepy. Facebook is a social networking site, is it not? Isn't the point to meet people? I'm not trying to use it to find a date, only to connect with people!!!!!!! Any people... not specifically girls. In this particular case, I'm just trying to hold a connection open. You can't pretend that every girl and every situation is the same. I've ask more than once, because situations change. I'm through trying to explain myself because I'd have to give out too much person information to really describe the situation fully. I'll be closing my account on this site now...
Bejita463 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 People, like you, radwimp, say they want to help, but they just tell me to not be insecure, to be more confident etc... If you really want to offer help, offer advice on how to become more secure, more confident, etc. He just gave you damned good advice, and this is your reply? Your social skills need work buddy. As for working on confidence... You have to do that for yourself. My suggestion would be practice. Stop thinking about going up and talking to women you fancy, and start doing. Quit thinking about it until you talk yourself out of it, and just walk over and say hello. Will you be confident at first? No. Will you even succeed at first? Honestly, probably not. As you get more used to doing this though, your comfort level will increase, and you'll get better at it. Which will give you better results. Which would logically make you realize you can be confident. Which would probably make you confident. Or... you can add people on facebook. Which won't work, for reasons you were just told, which will make you less confident. The easiest route is rarely the best one.
radwimps Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I honestly don't know why I even bother with this site... People, like you, radwimp, say they want to help, but they just tell me to not be insecure, to be more confident etc... If you really want to offer help, offer advice on how to become more secure, more confident, etc. I said it in my previous post, but I'll say it again. People don't just magically become more secure or confident. All my life I've been the model that everyone else tries to match up to (this alone should make me feel good, but it doesn't). Whenever I failed, even in the slightest, it was a big deal. Everyone knew, everyone mentioned it, everyone had to know what happened. Do you know what it is like to have to tell your failures to 30 different people? Maybe for you it is as simple as telling yourself you're not trash, but for me it is not. Not to mention, I absolutely hate it when people say adding random people on Facebook is creepy. Facebook is a social networking site, is it not? Isn't the point to meet people? I'm not trying to use it to find a date, only to connect with people!!!!!!! Any people... not specifically girls. In this particular case, I'm just trying to hold a connection open. You can't pretend that every girl and every situation is the same. I've ask more than once, because situations change. I'm through trying to explain myself because I'd have to give out too much person information to really describe the situation fully. I'll be closing my account on this site now... wow dude, you ARE a guy right? I mean, holy cow, you can't take ANY criticism at all. Why do you even ask questions here then? To get a reinforcement of your already made up opinion? I believe someone else said this to you, "Stop looking for external validation for your internal satisfaction." You have a rough life telling people you had a small failure? I don't care, you need to know other people have it much worse. You can't change your confidence level overnight? I don't care, it's your problem and YOU HAVE to get over it at one point. If you feel inferior, it is because you are. People who "think" you are inferior can't make you so. Social Networking site to connect with people? Bull****, you just sound lonely as hell and want some company is all.You can keep doing what you do, randomly adding people on facebook. And I don't care if you believe in my words, but I will state the fact and the fact only. You will NOT go ANYWHERE doing it. You can reply to this message however you like, but just keep in mind that anyone who's ever succeeded in a relationship will agree with my points 100%. If you want to get anywhere with Women(Hence, you posting in the Dating section), you need to do what I tell you to do. If you can't magically gain confidence, well tough luck, you NEED to do it at some point in your life. I'm 19 and you are what? 23? It feels like I'm talking to a 12 year old kid. Grow up, Take my advice or keep whining and you won't get anywhere. At any rate, you learn the most things in life by trying and failing, not from Internet forums. Stop being a pussy and talk to her in person, if you can't do that, then well... I guess you stay single until you can.
Author Khabarak Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Unfortunately there seems to be no way to close my account on this site so I guess I'll write back... Before I say anything else... I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be resistant to your advice, but I didn't ask for what you gave. I know I have problems. In fact, the problems you listed aren't really my problems at all. My problem is depression (and it is also the reason i replied the way I did). I can't recall the last time I was actually happy, and people telling me how screwed up I am doesn't help. I was looking for a yes, do it, or no, don't; not a long reply telling me all about my problems. I know I have things to change, but I have no good opportunities right now. If I can manage not to kill myself before next semester starts, maybe things will be better. But right now, I'm almost always either stuck at home alone doing homework or in classes I hate. Even on the occasion that I do have enough time to actually do something fun, I have no one to do anything with. When I say I want to connect with people on Facebook, I do mean that so don't pretend to know my intentions. Without giving more information than I'm willing to give, I can't fully explain my situations so I'm done trying. He just gave you damned good advice, and this is your reply? Your social skills need work buddy. All I really got from what he said is start being more confident. Sure, that would fix the problem, but it really isn't as simple as just becoming more confident. If you asked me how to fix your car, or how to fix your computer and I said, "Oh, well to fix it you just need to fix it" how useful is that? Just think about it. I understand confidence is something I have to BUILD on my own, that doesn't mean people can't offer advice on how they have built confidence themselves. You have a rough life telling people you had a small failure? I don't care, you need to know other people have it much worse. I understand a lot of people have it worse. My point is even small failures feel large when you have to explain the details of what happened to a lot of people. I don't care if I get turned down by some girl... I just can't deal with explaining it to all the people who pry into my life. People who "think" you are inferior can't make you so. People don't think I'm inferior. They generally think I'm superior. Sure, that sounds good, but it comes with its own pressure. I'd rather just be though of as normal. Again, I'm sorry. I have taken note of what you've said. I've taken note of everything everyone has said. I just can't believe that EVERY situation and EVERY girl is so much the same that a certain thing, namely Facebook, is always the wrong choice. If there is a way to close an account on this site please tell me because I couldn't find it. The replies I get back, no matter what their intent, usually just make me depressed and worsen the problem so it will be best if I just quit using the site.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 If you really want to offer help, offer advice on how to become more secure, more confident, etc. Fake it till you make it. That's the only way. ACT like you have confidence. Nobody outside will know how terrified you are inside if you put on a good act. Each time you fake it, it gets easier. With each act, you GAIN more confidence. I said it in my previous post, but I'll say it again. People don't just magically become more secure or confident. Bull****, they don't. I was PAINFULLY shy and TERRIFIED of people when I was in HS. (To the point that people thought I was a snob because I'd avoid talking to anyone.) How did I get out of it? I acted like I already was. Spoke with confidence. Walked with confidence. Talked with confidence. And bit by bit, I gained more of this elusive thing called confidence. I still doubt myself sometimes and still feel like a scared little kid inside. But I do my best to fake it through situations when I feel like that - people usually don't even notice.
Author Khabarak Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 I want to apologize to everyone who I sort of picked a fight with (most notably, radwimps). I'm feeling a lot better today than I have been over the past week or so. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of posting on here when I get depressed (which has happened a lot over the past 6 months while my back has been out) and what you see is, in a number of cases, not very descriptive of who I am in person. Reading what I wrote, even I have to admit that I sound ridiculous in some cases. In reality, girls are the least of my problems right now, but it sure would be nice to have someone "special" in my life. I have my friends and my family, of course, but sometimes its just not quite the same. People do generally like me, and when I talk to them I have no trouble whatsoever making new friends/contacts. Despite how boring I feel, no one else seems to think I am boring. I do struggle from a lack of confidence, but only in a few areas. For example, I can give speeches to groups of people without being nervous. In fact, any context where I feel like I have a reason to talk, I have no problem whatsoever. The problem is, I generally don't feel like I have a good reason to talk to someone (This is why I tried to give myself a reason by adding this girl as a friend on Facebook). And SoulSearch: Bull****, they don't. I was PAINFULLY shy and TERRIFIED of people when I was in HS. (To the point that people thought I was a snob because I'd avoid talking to anyone.) How did I get out of it? I acted like I already was. Spoke with confidence. Walked with confidence. Talked with confidence. And bit by bit, I gained more of this elusive thing called confidence. I still doubt myself sometimes and still feel like a scared little kid inside. But I do my best to fake it through situations when I feel like that - people usually don't even notice. I was never saying it was impossible. When I said magically I meant a "quick fix" type thing. You said yourself that it was a "bit by bit" process. When people just say "be more confident" it doesn't offer much for anyone who isn't already confident. There is a reason they aren't confident... its because they don't know how to be confident. Simply saying "be confident" is sort of like telling an average high school student to solve a complicated Calculus problem. Sure, with some guidance and tips they can probably use the knowledge they have, or are given, to solve the problem, but left entirely alone the problem will seem almost impossible. That said, thanks for the advice that you did offer. And radwimps, just so you know... I really do try to use Facebook to connect with new people. Just because you don't doesn't mean others don't. Someday, when people aren't afraid of the internet, it won't be unacceptable to make new friends online. But more importantly I'M NOT JUST LOOKING FOR A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. If I gain a friend (a real one, not just a person on a list), great. Believe me, or don't, but its the truth. Also, for your information, I haven't been entirely unsuccessful. And finally, I understand the only way to actually gain confidence in the long run is to put yourself in situations that require more than you have. I'm only looking for those tips and tricks that help make those situations more bearable.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I was never saying it was impossible. When I said magically I meant a "quick fix" type thing. You said yourself that it was a "bit by bit" process. And what I meant is that it'll APPEAR that you magically gained confidence - it's all part of appearances. Only you know how nervous you feel inside. People outside will think, "That guy is confident." Only you know the truth.
radwimps Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) I want to apologize to everyone who I sort of picked a fight with (most notably, radwimps). I'm feeling a lot better today than I have been over the past week or so. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of posting on here when I get depressed (which has happened a lot over the past 6 months while my back has been out) and what you see is, in a number of cases, not very descriptive of who I am in person. Reading what I wrote, even I have to admit that I sound ridiculous in some cases. No offense taken, I know people can be moody at times. But you need to chilax and take a step back at times. People do generally like me, and when I talk to them I have no trouble whatsoever making new friends/contacts. Despite how boring I feel, no one else seems to think I am boring. I do struggle from a lack of confidence, but only in a few areas. For example, I can give speeches to groups of people without being nervous. In fact, any context where I feel like I have a reason to talk, I have no problem whatsoever. The problem is, I generally don't feel like I have a good reason to talk to someone (This is why I tried to give myself a reason by adding this girl as a friend on Facebook). You have no trouble making new friends? THEN MAKE NEW FRIENDS. You wont feel so lonely and alone all the time. and By friends, I don't mean girls, I mean guys. THEY are your TRUE friends if you want some company. Girls aren't living just to take care of your lonely needs. Go "Bro Chill" with the guys, you can give and take. Talk about girls, hobbies, etc etc, you know? nothing awkward, just the usual "guy talk" time. If by the age of 23, you still haven't figured that out, you REALLY need to go out and make some friends. I was never saying it was impossible. When I said magically I meant a "quick fix" type thing. You said yourself that it was a "bit by bit" process. When people just say "be more confident" it doesn't offer much for anyone who isn't already confident. There is a reason they aren't confident... its because they don't know how to be confident. Simply saying "be confident" is sort of like telling an average high school student to solve a complicated Calculus problem. Sure, with some guidance and tips they can probably use the knowledge they have, or are given, to solve the problem, but left entirely alone the problem will seem almost impossible. Here's a trick, talk to the girl, IN PERSON. You feel embarrased before you do? That's how everyone felt when they were grade 8, they were always embarrased to talk to the girl they liked or any hot girl in general. But these people got over it IN GRADE 8. You are almost done your post secondary and you still haven't... so JUST DO IT. It's what happens physically that matters. Screw your nervous feelings, put it aside, like the other person said, PRETEND you are superman. If you think you can do it, you CAN do it. None of those "oh... im so nervous.." crap. You are a man. I don't need to kick you in the balls till you have one. And radwimps, just so you know... I really do try to use Facebook to connect with new people. Just because you don't doesn't mean others don't. Someday, when people aren't afraid of the internet, it won't be unacceptable to make new friends online. But more importantly I'M NOT JUST LOOKING FOR A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. If I gain a friend (a real one, not just a person on a list), great. Believe me, or don't, but its the truth. Also, for your information, I haven't been entirely unsuccessful. Look man, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, ill say the following. This paragraph directly shows your lack of proper human interaction experiences. You just seem like a GRADE SCHOOLER WITH POST SECONDARY EDUCATION. In school, you should have learned not only about the subject about more importantly social skills, and understanding human nature in general. You sound like you completely missed out on the latter. You have not a single clue how people think, you are self centred and only interested in your own feelings. Go figure, that's how everyone is like when they are at grade 8, they do stupid stuff because they don't know what they are getting themselves into. And randomly adding on facebook is the "stupid stuff" you are doing right now. And I don't know what you think, but girlfriends arent there just to keep you company. YOU are there for her and its a mutual relationship, from what Im seeing, you pretty much just want a girl as to not be so lonely, you'd never get a girl that way, ever. Friends are friends because you know them in real life, not because they are on a stupid list coded in binaries some 5000miles away on a server that can crash anytime. Oops, the server just crashed! You have no more friends! awww now you can't be friends with them anymore because it's not digitally proven =( Hey, I think you said something like this a bit while ago! People do generally like me, and when I talk to them I have no trouble whatsoever making new friends/contacts. what? you choose to make friends online even though you can make friends in real life? common sense anyone? So you know Khabrak, my point is. Ditch facebook, you don't need to prove to ME that it's a useful way of making friends. It's the girls/guys that judge you when you do stuff like that, not me. I'm just an Outside party trying to give this Overly-Educated Eighth grader a piece of reality but he's just too stubborn to accept the fact. Oh wait, I'm not the only one, there were probably a dozen other people who told you the exact same thing I did! Oh right! and you didn't listen to them either! Those people who told you to ditch facebook are the people who has succeeded in relationships, got girlfriends, have a fulfilling social life, have great friends that support them when they need it. And you just brush off their advice like they aren't worth anything, and keep blaming it on your so called "Depression". See? right now you can actually do something, like go to a therapist, or make some new friends easily like you say, but you don't. You know actor Lena Headey? She plays the main character in Terminator Sarah Conner Chronicles. And guess what? She had depression her whole life! But she sure as hell didn't blame her condition on anything did she? If there is one thing she blames her depression for is her huge successful career. So whatever, you know? you can keep doing what you want, add people on facebook, be too nervous to talk to a girl, etc etc. Stay single and lonely until you have the balls to do something about it. Too bad right now you don't. If I was as bad as you were, my guy friends would PUNCH ME IN THE FACE and tell me to "Get your sh it straight". Edited November 22, 2009 by radwimps
Author Khabarak Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 To SoulSearch: I understand. Thanks for your input. To Radwimps: I apologized to you, I told you I'm not brushing off the advice I'm given, and I honestly do struggle very much with depression. If you haven't been severely depressed yourself (I mean ready to kill yourself depressed), you can't possibly know what its like. I can function in normal life depressed or not. I do all the time, but when you're depressed it feels like the world hates you. That feeling just amplifies the worse the depression gets. When the world hates you, its hard to be motivated to do anything, especially things you have trouble with in the first place. Understand that I'm not blaming anything on the depression, I'm just stating facts. It makes things hard, and it does cause me to act irrationally sometimes. Ask any doctor and I'm sure they'll verify that for you. You can continue to think whatever you want about me, but know your opinion is not formed on any substantial material. I made a few posts asking for opinions on anonymous forum. Albeit a couple of them dealt with Facebook, but every time the SITUATION was different. If you didn't find that to be the case, then perhaps I didn't explain things thoroughly because every situation was unique. Maybe what I'm asking seems stupid to you, but the point is I was asking because I was unsure. I thought I could do so without being ridiculed for it, but I was obviously wrong. Most importantly you need to realize that I do follow the advice I get here, but on a situation-by-situation basis. What's more is that in most of the cases that I think you've decided I didn't follow the advice, I'd already made a decision (what you would call a stupid 8th-grader choice) before posting and came here to ask whether or not I'd made a stupid choice (already believing that I probably had... hence the post). Just to drive my point home: My posts about the girl at the store who I'd met on campus a few months earlier (if you read it)... I took the advice I was offered and I went back to the store and talked to her again. I found that I wasn't really that interested after all. You know what though, she was certainly willing to give me a chance. And also... I'm not 23, I'm 20. I started to college when I was 16, and I didn't go through 8th grade or to high school. Not to mention, I grew up in the middle of the woods with no friends for miles and miles (which is a pretty major barrier when you can't drive). I missed the opportunities most people have for socialization, I didn't ignore them. I honestly do believe that you were trying to help, so thank you for that, but you need to learn a few things yourself when it comes to dealing with people that don't have much confidence or who struggle with severe depression. Telling someone who thinks the world hates them, or who thinks they suck at everything, all the things that are wrong with them and nothing else just isn't a good idea. I'm pretty sure you didn't say a single positive thing about me, and if you did it got very lost in all the negativity. I came to this board for help, the absolute least you could have done would have been to acknowledge that was a good, positive step. Slightly better yet, on top of a compliment you could have chosen more sensitive wording. I'm sure you get the point, and I imagine you'll disagree with me but... I'm letting this go now, and I hope that you will too. I know "me" better than you know me. For that reason, I'm going to stick with my opinion about myself. If you really want help me, stop trying to convince me that I'm more worthless (socially) than I already believe that I am. Goodbye radwimps, for real this time, and for good.
dreamergrl Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 OP, I think you would be best off heading to the 'well being' section of LS. There's a lot of posters who can relate to what your dealing with.
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