Guy I broke it off with poured out his heart in an e-mail

[Ruby Slippers]

Excellent decision.

 

But here is the problem: Kicking them to the curb with a listing of their biggest faults is such a turn-on for them. I don't know why.

 

It is like herding a cat. You won't remain in control for long, just to warn you.

 

It is like they re-double their effort upon return.

 

So brace yourself.

 

And they get sneakier, just like a cat.

This forum is gold. Gold, people!

 

I am a little scared. This guy is SMART. One of the things that turned me on about him most is that he's the first guy I ever had to really work to keep up with intellectually.

 

I am bracing myself. Thanks for the warning. lol

[A O]

Well, I sent the e-mail I drafted. I felt strongly that it was the right thing to do. You've gotta do what you know is right.

I'm not a fan of emailing in situations like this, when face to face contact has already been more than established.

 

 

But here is the problem: Kicking them to the curb with a listing of their biggest faults is such a turn-on for them. I don't know why.

Probably turns on the dysfunctional types, everyone else either doesn't wanna know or is far from turn on about it all.

 

.

[Boundary Problem]

If they don't want to communicate, then that is the answer in and of itself.

 

If they don't want to know, they don't matter.

 

She was trying to avoid confusion.

[johan]

FWIW, he told me he is friends with all his exes and doesn't understand why you'd suddenly cut someone you admire and respect out of your life just because you aren't romantic partners.

 

You'd only do that if you didn't really care about the relationship you had in the first place. Otherwise, if you have any respect for your own or the other person's feelings, you move on. If you're really in love with someone, it's all or nothing.

 

As far as the letter goes, I guess he did it his way. If I were ever to write a letter to someone like that, I'd be extremely careful how I worded it. It would be hard not to be taken as whiny. The way I see it is if a girl has spent time with me and decides she's not interested, then that's that.

[confusedmuch]

He sounds like someone I broke it off with not too long ago. After things ended, he asked if we could be friends. Actually, begged. I agreed and the next time we went out, as friends, he kept pouring his heart out to me, saying how I was the only girl he really respects and he'd treat me so well, etc, etc. When I still didn't want to go back to dating him, he turned into an ass. He literally started cussing me out. Then he'd call the next day pretending like everything was all fine and dandy. I honestly wonder if he's a little crazy. But still... You really can't be friends with someone who's that interested in you. They need to get over you first.

[rhea]

Why don't you give him a second chance? maybe he has more to offer. after all you know him only since a month.

[cognac]

Does he know about the guy you left him for?

 

Personally that would be the best way to make him go away. If a girl I was into stopped liking me as soon as a better looking guy hit on her she'd be dead to me and I would never want to see or speak to her again.

 

 

Try it.

[Ruby Slippers]

cognac, you are such a walking bag of insecurity.

 

Not that I owe you an explanation, but the cute guy asked me out again and I said NO. I said it's clear we want different things. He texted back:

 

":( I can adapt. I liked hanging out with you."

 

Now I'm trying to think of a way to clearly reject him without being mean about it.

 

This has nothing to do with this dude.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why don't you give him a second chance? maybe he has more to offer. after all you know him only since a month.

That's plenty of time to know that I don't see long-term potential. Dude would have to make some pretty significant changes in his life for me to be interested. And realistically, that would take a while -- if it happened at all -- and chances are I will have met someone I'm compatible with by then. But you never know. I really like a lot of things about this guy. But the one big thing is a deal-breaker.

[carhill]

So sometimes the harsh treatment people give to others when breaking up has a twisted logic behind it. If someone really treats you like crap you will eventually lose the hope to get back together because now you can't stand them.

 

Describes my stbx perfectly. The far reaches of space are more inviting TBH, I see the health in this.

 

The other poster is right. Either give this guy a real chance or just let him go 100%

 

Agree. At this early juncture, there should be no mixed signals or regrets. They barely know each other and don't have significant history. Be clear.

[espec10001]

And some women wonder why men don't communicate at all, won't open up about their feelings. Geez.

 

This guy is being purely honest and knows what he wants, how he feels. He isn't crazy, atleast he hasn't shown any signs of it.

 

Just keep it simple. If you aren't sure of what you want, then whatever you do, don't go into too much detail. Short, sweet and to the point, and just add that you respect the fact he took time to write to you, and that right now friendship is probably all you can offer. No need to say maybe one day, cuz really, you don't know and won't know until you two can hang out abit.

 

Yeah, I was somewhat young and at the time I really was crazy about this chick, and I honestly believed she felt the same, hence why I put it out there. You have no idea how I felt after that, or should I say how little I felt after that.

 

OP, as a female, and I respect females, you have a very powerful position to shape this man's destiny. If you want to do him a favor, be blunt and downright cruel to him. The crueler you are in a response, the greater things he will go on to do because he no longer has to worry about gushy feelings. Great men usually don't do great things with gushy-ness involved.

[Ruby Slippers]

OP, as a female, and I respect females, you have a very powerful position to shape this man's destiny. If you want to do him a favor, be blunt and downright cruel to him. The crueler you are in a response, the greater things he will go on to do because he no longer has to worry about gushy feelings. Great men usually don't do great things with gushy-ness involved.

I was very blunt and honest, though not cruel. I'm not cruel to anyone, and I won't be. That violates my personal ethics. But I was absolutely blunt and laid it all out there. I was also VERY clear in telling him that the most I will be to him is a friend.

 

But after reading the advice in this thread, I doubt I will even see him again. I wouldn't want to string him along, even unintentionally.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, just wanted to let y'all know that we had our first experience that can only be described as "friends with benefits". This is the first time I have ever had such a situation in my life, and I was surprised to find that I actually quite enjoy it. Not having the pressure that comes with considering him as a long-term, serious boyfriend let me relax, enjoy his company, and connect with him.

 

He told me that he cares about me and would like to be involved in my life to whatever extent I want -- whether that's truly just friends, therapeutic-only massage partners, sexual partners, or more. He didn't put any pressure on me in any direction. So, for now, we are hanging out in a friendly and romantic way, and also having sex if we want to. But it's not just sex -- there's also great conversation, watching movies, massages, and so on. I think that the frequency with which we will see each other will allow me ample time to work on my own goals and continue to meet new prospects.

 

I have been 100% honest with him, and really, I think this is the best possible situation for both of us. He does not seem to be in a position to make a real commitment, and I don't see long-term potential with him. This arrangement allows us to enjoy each other's company on various levels with no pressure.

 

Once I meet someone I see long-term potential with, I will end the physical part with him, and he is completely aware of this and seems to have no problem with it. I am also open to the possibility that things might develop between us to the point of considering an actual relationship, but I am not holding out for that at all.

 

In the meantime, I will discuss whether he has other sexual partners right now (he has strongly hinted that he does not), just to make sure I'm safe on the STD front, and let him know that I do not.

 

They say the best way to grow is to get out of your comfort zone, and since this is the first time I have ever done something like this, I'd say that's the case here.

[Jerseyboy.]

Which guy?

 

GQ or Emo (email) guy:confused:

[Lish]

Well, just wanted to let y'all know that we had our first experience that can only be described as "friends with benefits". This is the first time I have ever had such a situation in my life, and I was surprised to find that I actually quite enjoy it. Not having the pressure that comes with considering him as a long-term, serious boyfriend let me relax, enjoy his company, and connect with him.

 

He told me that he cares about me and would like to be involved in my life to whatever extent I want -- whether that's truly just friends, therapeutic-only massage partners, sexual partners, or more. He didn't put any pressure on me in any direction. So, for now, we are hanging out in a friendly and romantic way, and also having sex if we want to. But it's not just sex -- there's also great conversation, watching movies, massages, and so on. I think that the frequency with which we will see each other will allow me ample time to work on my own goals and continue to meet new prospects.

 

I have been 100% honest with him, and really, I think this is the best possible situation for both of us. He does not seem to be in a position to make a real commitment, and I don't see long-term potential with him. This arrangement allows us to enjoy each other's company on various levels with no pressure.

 

Once I meet someone I see long-term potential with, I will end the physical part with him, and he is completely aware of this and seems to have no problem with it. I am also open to the possibility that things might develop between us to the point of considering an actual relationship, but I am not holding out for that at all.

 

In the meantime, I will discuss whether he has other sexual partners right now (he has strongly hinted that he does not), just to make sure I'm safe on the STD front, and let him know that I do not.

 

They say the best way to grow is to get out of your comfort zone, and since this is the first time I have ever done something like this, I'd say that's the case here.

 

I'm glad you're open to the possibility of something developing, however, as I was reading your post, a few things popped into my head:

(the bold bits in the quote relate to the thoughts I had)

 

Before I start, I'm not accusing you of anything and I'm not judging you (because I don't even know you) - these are just general thoughts.

 

- Seeing as this guy seems very keen on being a part of your life in some way, I get the impression he's just taking what he can get. I feel like his feelings for you are much, much stronger than yours are for him, and he's hoping that through these 'no strings attached' meets, that your feelings will grow for him. Maybe he feels like you may be someone he could grow into a commitment with? (just speculating). I know he's told you he accepts this might not happen, but I think it's what he wants.

- An alarm bell rang in my head when you said "whatever extent I want" ...it really does sound like you are calling all the shots and I'm not entirely sure how that translates into friendship?

- I would advise you to be careful when it comes to the second bit I've put in bold - he doesn't sound like a bad guy, and I don't like the thought of someone being used. I know you have an arrangement/agreement with him about this being no more then friends with benefits, but he is a human being after all.. I'd just advise you to make sure he doesn't feel like he's being completely used, especially if you're hoping to continue an actual friendship if/when you meet someone else.

Edited December 4, 2009 by Lish

[Ruby Slippers]

This is the e-mail guy.

 

I know you have an arrangement/agreement with him about this being no more then friends with benefits, but he is a human being after all.. I'd just advise you to make sure he doesn't feel like he's being completely used, especially if you're hoping to continue an actual friendship if/when you meet someone else.

First of all, the last time I talked to my counselor -- a very smart and compassionate woman I really trust -- she advised me to try "dating for the sake of it", up to and including sex, since this is something I've never done. She said that as long as I'm being completely honest and taking care of me, that's where my responsibility ends. Taking care of HIM is up to him, not me. She said the lesson I need to learn in this is to take care of me, not take care of my partner. Looking at my own relationship history, I can see that she's right on.

 

All that said, I really do think it's the best thing for him, too. He's 38 years old, and his longest relationship EVER was a year and a half. Due to various facts he told me, I think he definitely has a fear of real intimacy/opening himself up to another person -- yet he craves some degree of closeness, as most humans do. I think that what we have now is about the most he can handle, and probably the most he really wants. And with him, it's the most I want, too. He has communicated to me that he knows I am capable of finding more -- that is, a long-term commitment with a guy who goes all in with me -- but he is available for this level of closeness in the meantime. He seems very aware that this will most likely be temporary.

 

He has also told me he is friends with all his exes. Some people can't get that close and don't make great long-term partners, but make great friends (and friends with benefits). He seems to be one of these guys. And really, I think I know the type pretty well. I am not oblivious to the fact that some of my appeal for him is rooted in the fact that I am somewhat out of reach and not pushing for commitment. I think he's probably the kind of guy who freaks out a little if the girl wants to get serious. Some part of him wants it, but he can't handle it.

 

If we can offer each other companionship and good times while we are both single, I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, I see it as human and healthy.

 

I am sure that I will continue to evaluate the situation as we go along, and I am pretty sure that I will check in with him now and then to make sure he's OK with it and keeping his expectations in check. I'm a highly responsible person, and I would never do anything inhumane or dishonest.

[Jerseyboy.]

and I would never do anything inhumane or dishonest.

 

 

boring:(

 

 

.

[Angel1111]

This is the e-mail guy.

 

 

First of all, the last time I talked to my counselor -- a very smart and compassionate woman I really trust -- she advised me to try "dating for the sake of it", up to and including sex, since this is something I've never done.

 

This is the dumbest advice I've ever heard. You're probably going to end up getting more involved with this guy than you intend to and it's going to get messy. Sorry, but I think you've made a big mistake here. Every single time a person goes against their instincts, they end up regretting it. Your initial instinct was that this guy wasn't right for you. You should've left it at that.

[Lish]

This is the e-mail guy.

 

 

First of all, the last time I talked to my counselor -- a very smart and compassionate woman I really trust -- she advised me to try "dating for the sake of it", up to and including sex, since this is something I've never done. She said that as long as I'm being completely honest and taking care of me, that's where my responsibility ends. Taking care of HIM is up to him, not me. She said the lesson I need to learn in this is to take care of me, not take care of my partner. Looking at my own relationship history, I can see that she's right on.

 

All that said, I really do think it's the best thing for him, too. He's 38 years old, and his longest relationship EVER was a year and a half. Due to various facts he told me, I think he definitely has a fear of real intimacy/opening himself up to another person -- yet he craves some degree of closeness, as most humans do. I think that what we have now is about the most he can handle, and probably the most he really wants. And with him, it's the most I want, too. He has communicated to me that he knows I am capable of finding more -- that is, a long-term commitment with a guy who goes all in with me -- but he is available for this level of closeness in the meantime. He seems very aware that this will most likely be temporary.

 

He has also told me he is friends with all his exes. Some people can't get that close and don't make great long-term partners, but make great friends (and friends with benefits). He seems to be one of these guys. And really, I think I know the type pretty well. I am not oblivious to the fact that some of my appeal for him is rooted in the fact that I am somewhat out of reach and not pushing for commitment. I think he's probably the kind of guy who freaks out a little if the girl wants to get serious. Some part of him wants it, but he can't handle it.

 

If we can offer each other companionship and good times while we are both single, I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, I see it as human and healthy.

 

I am sure that I will continue to evaluate the situation as we go along, and I am pretty sure that I will check in with him now and then to make sure he's OK with it and keeping his expectations in check. I'm a highly responsible person, and I would never do anything inhumane or dishonest.

 

 

I agree completely with your cousellor.. there comes a point where all you can do is look after yourself. You're not paid to be this guys babysitter, wet nurse or therapist and maybe I didn't say it clearly the first time, all I meant was that as long as you keep him in the know at all times, and don't lead him on with any false hope, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing.

 

I'm sure you'll have loads of fun... I'm pretty jealous hehehe.

 

Good luck

[The Way I Am]

Once I meet someone I see long-term potential with, I will end the physical part with him, and he is completely aware of this and seems to have no problem with it. I am also open to the possibility that things might develop between us to the point of considering an actual relationship, but I am not holding out for that at all.

 

I could a couple really bad possibilities:

 

1. (Ash Lish described) He's hanging on hoping you'll change your mind. You won't and you'll meet someone else. He'll be very hurt and angry.

 

2. In continuing to spend intimate time with him (massages and deep conversations) and having sex with him, you'll develop feelings for this guy. You'll end up in a relationship just like the one you got out of with a guy who has no ambition and drags you down.

 

The most dangerous for you, I think, is #2. It's fine if you want to date around, but you might want to try to avoid men who put you at risk of falling back into your previous mistakes. Just something to think about.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is the dumbest advice I've ever heard.

You're entitled to your opinion. I think it was good advice, and so does every close friend of mine I talked with about it. Even my most sexually and relationally conservative friend said it made good sense.

 

Every single time a person goes against their instincts, they end up regretting it.

The evening we spent together when I wasn't evaluating him as a prospect, but was just enjoying his company and connecting with him, felt better than any of the others. So, I think there's some merit to this approach. It totally took the pressure off and let me just enjoy the moments.

 

I agree completely with your cousellor.. there comes a point where all you can do is look after yourself. You're not paid to be this guys babysitter, wet nurse or therapist and maybe I didn't say it clearly the first time, all I meant was that as long as you keep him in the know at all times, and don't lead him on with any false hope, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing.

 

I'm sure you'll have loads of fun... I'm pretty jealous hehehe.

 

Good luck

Thanks! I think we have a lot to learn from each other, for sure.

 

The most dangerous for you, I think, is #2. It's fine if you want to date around, but you might want to try to avoid men who put you at risk of falling back into your previous mistakes. Just something to think about.

I will be wary. But after being single by choice for a year (no dates, no romantic companionship of any sort, and no sex!), I am totally ready to enjoy the company of a fun guy again -- so I am. I look at this as an opportunity to learn, grow, and relate in a new way. He's very intelligent and mature, and I think we both can handle it.

[Jerseyboy.]

Just checked

 

Not including tasteless photos of the "benefits" part is a transgression according to the terms of service.

 

Dont make us have to flag you:mad:

[Ody]

I am sure that I will continue to evaluate the situation as we go along, and I am pretty sure that I will check in with him now and then to make sure he's OK with it and keeping his expectations in check. I'm a highly responsible person, and I would never do anything inhumane or dishonest.

 

First off, I think everything you are doing is OK and healthy for you and think you should continue.

 

However, the power dynamic here is completely skewed in your favor. He very much wants more, but likes this alternative better than nothing or just friends. And in fact it may be his best choice. But the chances of you breaking his heart are pretty high. Maybe something to keep in mind (maybe not). One of the saddest things about broken hearts is that they can occur even when all parties are honest, humane, and mature.

 

Not that you shouldn't try the things quoted here, but if he feels as strongly as it seemed from the early messages in this thread, it might not matter how humane you are or how he tries to manage his expectations.

 

I like that this thread is giving some real insight into such matters, rather than degenerating into sluts, players, and AFCs. I hope this works well for you!

[Stockalone]

However, the power dynamic here is completely skewed in your favor. He very much wants more, but likes this alternative better than nothing or just friends. And in fact it may be his best choice. But the chances of you breaking his heart are pretty high. Maybe something to keep in mind (maybe not). One of the saddest things about broken hearts is that they can occur even when all parties are honest, humane, and mature.

 

She said he is 38. Given that and what else we know about him, I'd be surprised if he hadn't had his heart broken before. It's no wonder his relationships don't work out, and I don't think it's because he has intimacy issues.

 

If he hasn't learned by now that the one who cares less, wins, he never will. That's his problem though, not that of Ruby. But I do agree with you. The chances that this will end well for him are slim.

[Ruby Slippers]

He called and came over last night for a spontaneous visit for the first time, and we had a wonderful evening. After we cooked and ate dinner, we had a great talk about everything.

 

He told me that he is very aware I am likely to meet someone I see relationship potential with and end things between us. He said there will be no way around the pain of that, but he has thought about it, and so far he feels that it will be much better to enjoy whatever time and experiences we can have together than not to have them at all. That is a healthy and realistic attitude for ANY relationship, and one that I have had toward even serious ones. He also said he thinks what we are both doing right now -- working on our lives, careers, happiness, selves -- is the best possible thing we can do, and I agree.

 

He said all along he has been tempted to try to fit my mold or play whatever role he thinks he needs to play to win me over, but he would rather be himself and be honest than try to project a false front for short-term and dishonest gain. I told him I very much appreciate that he isn't jumping through hoops to try to be what he thinks I might want, as most of my previous boyfriends have. I respect him tremendously for that. I don't want to be with an idealized version of someone -- that always wears out. I want to be with someone who is a good fit for me when he is just being himself.

 

And the more time we spend together, the more he is just HIMSELF. And, no surprise, the more I like him. I think in the beginning, he was pretty wowed by me, a little nervous, and being too careful. Now that we know each other better, he's let his guard down, and I'm getting to know the real him, which is much more appealing to me than any version that is even somewhat contrived or too carefully controlled.

 

I continue to be completely honest with him about what I want -- "the whole enchilada" -- and said that while I am not counting on something long-term developing between us, I am open to that possibility if things evolve in the right way and it makes sense for both of us. He seems to be considering how that might work. I don't know if it can, but I'm open to considering it.

 

I told him that I hope he is watching out for himself and his emotions and making sure this is not bad for him. He said I don't owe him that compassion, but he appreciates it. He said that like me, he continues to evaluate the situation all the time.

 

I think we're both aware that I'm the one in the position of power here, but we're also both aware that I'm not one to abuse any power I may have. I'm a sweetie and a softie, and we both know it.

 

The whole night, and this morning, he was just lit up like a Christmas tree, and he told me he can't remember being this happy with someone ever, along with many other sweet and sincere comments. It shows. We only got an hour or two of sleep (as usual, haha), but he was bouncing around my bedroom this morning like a teenager. This is very endearing, but it might start to get to me. The greater the rise, the further the potential fall. Mostly I am worried about him, but I am also aware that my ability to keep my feelings in check might weaken. I will see how it evolves.

 

All I can hope is that no matter what happens with us, it will be a more positive than negative experience for both of us. He has told me that I have already impacted his life positively more than he can communicate. Even if we don't work out, I hope our meeting and connection will be inspiring and motivating to him, and beneficial to both of us. So far it has been. If that changes, we'll see where we stand then.