Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) I broke things off with this guy almost two weeks ago. We had only known each other for a month, and I was almost certain I didn't see long-term potential with him, mainly because he does not seem to have any real passion in life, and it seems to me that he is settling -- in his job, his lifestyle, everything. I don't want to be the girl this guy settles for, you know? I could never be happy with that. I want a guy who goes for what he really wants -- romantic partner included. I feel his mentality is incompatible with my own, which inspires me to go after what I really want. I broke it off with him because I didn't want to string him along, and I didn't feel right getting closer to someone I was pretty sure I didn't see potential with. So... today, I got this e-mail from him in which he pours out his heart about how he has concert tickets this weekend and he wished he could have taken me, and then he goes through all the "could-have-beens" that I "wiped out of existence". He says he's not trying to force anything but he can't help feeling that maybe my decision was premature. He said he mainly wrote the e-mail because he felt he needed to express what was "on his mind". He says he cares about me and misses me, but also does the whole "I can take anything, you don't owe me anything" thing. How do I handle this? I can't tell if he's being sweet or crazy -- maybe the two are not far from each other. I DID second-guess myself about breaking it off, and I felt conflicted the whole time I was trying to make a decision about him. But this reeks of drama to me. I don't know. I guess first I need to decide if I have any interest in dating him anymore. I just need some unbiased outside help in interpreting this course of events. Thanks. Edited November 20, 2009 by Ruby Slippers
BobSacamento Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Sounds like a drama queen. I'd run and fast.
icemann12 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 i would let things cool down for a few days and see if he still feels the same way about things, or if he was only saying it because he regretted losing you at the time
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 He's being honest. He put his feelings down and wrote you. For a guy to put that out there like that, well, you gotta respect him for it. If you want to email him back, just be honest and speak from your heart. Tell him that you aren't sure and are questioning if it's worth the chance of trying again.
icemann12 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 i agree with whichwayisup, his way of dealing with it seems best
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I am drafting a response. I am going to tell him what I see as the barriers and tell him I don't know what the future holds, but for now I will be his friend. This is the truth. He has so many great things going for him -- it's his lack of honesty with himself, the fear of being hurt, and sense of resignation that make him a no-go. Those things could change, but they might never, so the most I can do is be his friend.
jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Well, at least he didnt threaten to kill himself if you dont respond. Although he may be saving that for the follow up email
Broseph Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 He likes you and is putting himself out there but if you dont see things going with you guys dont give him pity that would make things only worse. I dont think this act alone constitutes crazy though, I mean relationships that work usually need someone to be the risk taker. But ya a month in and your feeling this way is probably red flag city.
espec10001 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I am drafting a response. I am going to tell him what I see as the barriers and tell him I don't know what the future holds, but for now I will be his friend. This is the truth. He has so many great things going for him -- it's his lack of honesty with himself, the fear of being hurt, and sense of resignation that make him a no-go. Those things could change, but they might never, so the most I can do is be his friend. When I was younger I poured my heart out to a girl that I loved. Her response was "Grow some balls." Best advice I ever got, you should try it on this guy!
jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 when i was younger i poured my heart out to a girl that i loved. Her response was "grow some balls." best advice i ever got, you should try it on this guy! lmfao.........
A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I can't tell if he's being sweet or crazy -- maybe the two are not far from each other. It appears so in this instance. I am drafting a response. I am going to tell him what I see as the barriers and tell him I don't know what the future holds, but for now I will be his friend. Not a wise move on both counts. You can't be his friend because he's romantically interested in you, so you'll only frustrate the bejesus out of him. He doesn't need a response also because his email is either his way of dealing with the end of it all, or his way of trying to rope you back into something you appear to be half-hearted about at best. Let him go. .
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 He likes you and is putting himself out there but if you dont see things going with you guys dont give him pity that would make things only worse. I dont think this act alone constitutes crazy though, I mean relationships that work usually need someone to be the risk taker. But ya a month in and your feeling this way is probably red flag city. Yeah, with time to think about it, I agree it's not crazy -- just honest and emotional. I think part of the allure for this guy (and perhaps the explanation of strong emotions after just a month) is that, according to him, I'm the only person who's ever called him on his BS and challenged those elaborately constructed defenses. He said even his family and long-term partners have not asked him the probing questions I have, like, "Why did you get fired from your job?" Dude needed a wakeup call, and apparently us meeting was it.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 He doesn't need a response also because his email is either his way of dealing with the end of it all, or his way of trying to rope you back into something you appear to be half-hearted about at best. Let him go. So, just ignore him? I told him when I broke it off that I was willing to explain my reasoning. He said he would probably need a little time, then might ask me some questions later. I believe in the idea that if you lose, you shouldn't lose a lesson, and I think we could both learn something from this -- but only with honest communication. I have always felt it is heartless to break things off with no explanation -- I have never harbored ill will toward my partners, even if things didn't work out. I sincerely want them to be happy, like I want to be happy myself, and if I can give them a clue to help them grow and be happier in the future, I think that's a good and kind thing to do.
A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 So, just ignore him? If you made a commitment to keep in contact with him, then honour that commitment, but just remember, you're not that in to him, and he's really into you. Don't give him anything that you can't follow through on, and certainly, don't be his friend. .
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Don't give him anything that you can't follow through on, and certainly, don't be his friend. We also discussed that we might be able to be friends, and I communicated that I was open to that possibility. Are you telling me it's my responsibility to sever that possibility, given the circumstances? FWIW, he told me he is friends with all his exes and doesn't understand why you'd suddenly cut someone you admire and respect out of your life just because you aren't romantic partners. I am good friends with one of my exes, and distantly friendly with one other, and it works fine for me.
A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 We also discussed that we might be able to be friends, and I communicated that I was open to that possibility. Are you telling me it's my responsibility to sever that possibility, given the circumstances? OK, I'm getting you now. Please, totally disregard my previous advice. Here's what you should do - get back on with him. Dive straight into the deep end, the sooner you dive in, the sooner you'll get your answer. Stop piss-farting around here and get into it. .
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Dude needed a wakeup call, and apparently us meeting was it. LMAO (wakeup calls are fun and very necessary in life)
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 OK, I'm getting you now. Please, totally disregard my previous advice. Here's what you should do - get back on with him. Dive straight into the deep end, the sooner you dive in, the sooner you'll get your answer. Stop piss-farting around here and get into it. I'm actually being sincere here. No need for sarcasm!
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Some people are 0% or 100% and they approach EVERY activity in their life that way. It is quite charming. Something very special about them. A rarity.
A O Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I'm actually being sincere here. No need for sarcasm! Sorry, but there's no sarcasm here. I can tell by your responses here that you're far from sure about things. In short, I see you holding on to a string of hope, the same string of hope the guy's holding on to. There's only one way to find out whether this string has any strength to it, and that's to try it out again. The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll get your answers. .
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 In short, I see you holding on to a string of hope, the same string of hope the guy's holding on to. There's only one way to find out whether this string has any strength to it, and that's to try it out again. The sooner you do it, the sooner you'll get your answers. I will think about this. You could be right. Actually, when you put it like that, we both look so silly and human. A string doesn't sound very strong.
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 When I was younger I poured my heart out to a girl that I loved. Her response was "Grow some balls." Best advice I ever got, you should try it on this guy! And some women wonder why men don't communicate at all, won't open up about their feelings. Geez. This guy is being purely honest and knows what he wants, how he feels. He isn't crazy, atleast he hasn't shown any signs of it. Just keep it simple. If you aren't sure of what you want, then whatever you do, don't go into too much detail. Short, sweet and to the point, and just add that you respect the fact he took time to write to you, and that right now friendship is probably all you can offer. No need to say maybe one day, cuz really, you don't know and won't know until you two can hang out abit.
sumdude Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 The thing about a friendship with him at this point? If he is really feeling the unrequited love thing for you and will continue to feel that way while you're just friends? It will only torture him.. not saying it's something you will do to him or even that it's your responsibility. But hanging out as friends while he still holds onto hope of being lovers is a recipe for him to get stuck never moving on to someone who isn't waffling. So sometimes the harsh treatment people give to others when breaking up has a twisted logic behind it. If someone really treats you like crap you will eventually lose the hope to get back together because now you can't stand them. This isn't what I'm advising of course. The other poster is right. Either give this guy a real chance or just let him go 100%. If you let him go just say I'm just not feeling it and I'm moving on. You're a good guy and someone out there's gonna love ya but today it's not me. I think the best thing is for us to leave each other be. Then go NC, if he still calls don't reply he'll eventually get the message.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Well, I sent the e-mail I drafted. I felt strongly that it was the right thing to do. You've gotta do what you know is right.
Boundary Problem Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Well, I sent the e-mail I drafted. I felt strongly that it was the right thing to do. You've gotta do what you know is right. Excellent decision. But here is the problem: Kicking them to the curb with a listing of their biggest faults is such a turn-on for them. I don't know why. It is like herding a cat. You won't remain in control for long, just to warn you. It is like they re-double their effort upon return. So brace yourself. And they get sneakier, just like a cat.
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