Never had a GF...am I doing something wrong?

[Bluecat]

Hello,

 

I'm 31 and have never dated. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, and was interested to see if anyone has any perspectives. I've interacted with many girls over the years, but it seems like I get absolutely zero vibes, signals, and hints.

 

A description of myself: I'm an Asian-American guy. I'm 5'-5" and have a trim figure. A couple of guy friends (who are straight) have commented that I'm actually decent looking and have a good natural body shape (I have broad shoulders and chest from swimming as a teenager). I have good hygiene and take care of my appearance. I like Armani Exchange and Pacific Sunwear. I don't drink alcohol, smoke, nor do drugs.

 

I have a college degree and worked for a few years in architecture. I'm currently back at school to try my luck as a pre-med.

 

People who know me all say that I'm honest, mature, artistic, hard-working, respectful, modest, easy to talk with, and trustworthy. They say that I project confidence and professionalism. I can talk to girls in a normal way and act as myself (I don't stalk, stare, nor say strange things). I am able to get girls to laugh and smile, and treat them respectfully. I don't want to be a jerk who treats girls like disposable trash.

 

Over the years, I've stayed away from girls who treat people disrespectfully. Also, I'm not interested in certain types of girls - I'm not interested in dating for the sake of promiscuous sleeping around.

 

I'm not desperate or anything like that - I could just as well be a lone wolf and be fine with it. But over time it's gotten weirder and weirder that I'm not generating any interest from girls. Maybe I'm just not good at picking up signals? Usually I try to see if the girl has enthusiasm in hanging around me. But I'm not sure what else to look for?

 

In the past, I've asked girls if they want to go get something to eat. A simple social thing, right? They almost always say no. I asked my sister about it and she says it's weird that they would be like that.

 

It was only very recently that I learned about a concept called a "friend zone", a totally evil place of doom. Apparently you're not supposed to befriend any girls, because the only point of girls is to charm and manipulate them into having sex with you. But this just makes everything come off like such a game.

 

In contrast, virtually all strong solid romantic relationships I've seen have been based upon strong friendships. I've posted about the friend zone vs. relationship thing, and gotten some good answers. But now I'm confused about what approach to take, because I don't know what approach girls would rather see from a guy?

 

My guy friends are absolutely surprised when they learn that I've never dated. They're also puzzled at why girls don't seem to take interest in me. It couldn't possibly be my height, could it? I mean, I've never cared about my height, and have always been comfortable with it, since it's just my own body. I just refuse to believe girls would be that shallow.

 

For the longest time, many people have kept telling me, "Don't worry, one day you'll meet a totally amazing girl and you both will be so lucky to find each other. It will be so worth the wait." At this point it sounds more and more like nonsense. Or should I still believe what they have said?

 

I apologize if this post is long. But based from what I described above, does anyone have any perspectives? Thanks very much!

Edited November 20, 2009 by Bluecat
typo fix

[hollaballoo]

There's nothing wrong with being friends with a girl first, that's what I prefer at least. Especially for you, it seems that you aren't interested in "the kind" of girl who might want to jump into something immediately. It's hard to say but it just sounds like you may come off too rigid or disinterested with girls. It's nice to have a guy friend that you know doesn't like you, who you can talk to without worrying about any kind of feelings developing, and I think you're giving girls that kind of comfort, like you are just the perfect guy friend. I don't know what you do exactly but maybe you need to play some of those mind games when you find a female friend you like, lead her in a little bit and then briefly back away a bit to make her want you more. Can't guarantee anything, but if you haven't tried it, might as well.

[Lost-n-confused]

Ever thought about online dating?

[Lakeside_runner]

You sound like a regular guy... just Mr. regular. There's nothing wrong with that. But, if you have a passion for something and it shows that there is something you absolutely love doing I think it's a bit turn-on for girls. Find a hobby, something you wanted to do for years but never actually started doing. Not only you'll enjoy it but there are gonna be some nice side-effects to it too... Having a passion for something you'll stand out, you'll be unique and I think girls like 'unique'. Ladies - opinion please...

[BobSacamento]

You are 31 and shop at Pacific Sunwear...isn't that where highschool skaters shop?

[Bluecat]

Haha LOL, BobSacamento - I go there for their t-shirts, they have sharp graphic designs. They appeal to me because I'm an artist and designer. From what I've seen, people don't think it's weird because it's become part of my style, and also I actually look like someone in his early 20s. At the college where I'm taking my pre-med classes, people are totally surprised to learn my true age...

 

On the topic of art and design, Lakeside_runner brought up an interesting point. In fact, I have a very strong interest in art and have done it professionally. This has always been the side of me that has stood out the most. I remember ever since I was little, people have thought of me as "the guy that draws good".

 

I was always told that girls like artistic guys. But somehow for me, it's a different effect, haha. When I do art, I can easily command the center of attention with a group of people. Of course, there will be girls who are like, "Wow, that's cool!" So I'm thinking, "Damn right, ladies." But then they'll go, "Whoa, I could never do that..." So then I'm like, "Come here, I'll teach you." Then they'll back away, because they're completely convinced that they can't do it, and can't quite relate to what I do. Even guys watching me draw are like this with me!

 

I don't put on an obnoxious arrogant air, I'll actually explain what I'm doing in a down-to-earth way and joke about my drawings. But it's like, people are impressed with what I do, but at the same time they are sort of intimidated.

 

Actually there was one time a couple of girls showed...attention. Funny story...I was in high school and I was practicing piano. It was summer and I had the front door open. A couple of girls came to the door and gave me flowers because they liked my playing. But the girls were, like, 10 years old! I guess it's kind of cute, but urm...anyway...

Edited November 20, 2009 by Bluecat

[radwimps]

From what I'm reading, no offence, you don't seem to be very good at picking up on proper hints/flirting from girls.

 

and just to make it clear, you HAVE asked girls out on a proper "DATE" and she said no? or how did this "wanna go eat" thing go down?

[VeveCakes]

Do you approach women and make the first move?

 

What age are you looking at here, you are 31 but admit you look and dress a lot younger. You won't attract a 25-35 yr old women by looking like you are 22. These women want maturity and you have to put that vibe out there.

[USMCHokie]

Hopefully no one gets all butthurt from this...but from years of personal experience, you're going to have to do something to overcome all the social stereotypes and distinguish yourself...it's an unfortunate truth of our lovely society...

[mem11363]

You sound quite nice. You clearly lack the physical charisma girls respond to.

You need some type of edge. You mention being back at school trying your hand at pre-med. How many years before you apply to med school? Because once you get into med school - if you do - everything will change.

You will get plenty of dates. Capitalism works very well in the dating market.

 

 

 

Hello,

 

I'm 31 and have never dated. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, and was interested to see if anyone has any perspectives. I've interacted with many girls over the years, but it seems like I get absolutely zero vibes, signals, and hints.

 

A description of myself: I'm an Asian-American guy. I'm 5'-5" and have a trim figure. A couple of guy friends (who are straight) have commented that I'm actually decent looking and have a good natural body shape (I have broad shoulders and chest from swimming as a teenager). I have good hygiene and take care of my appearance. I like Armani Exchange and Pacific Sunwear. I don't drink alcohol, smoke, nor do drugs.

 

I have a college degree and worked for a few years in architecture. I'm currently back at school to try my luck as a pre-med.

 

People who know me all say that I'm honest, mature, artistic, hard-working, respectful, modest, easy to talk with, and trustworthy. They say that I project confidence and professionalism. I can talk to girls in a normal way and act as myself (I don't stalk, stare, nor say strange things). I am able to get girls to laugh and smile, and treat them respectfully. I don't want to be a jerk who treats girls like disposable trash.

 

Over the years, I've stayed away from girls who treat people disrespectfully. Also, I'm not interested in certain types of girls - I'm not interested in dating for the sake of promiscuous sleeping around.

 

I'm not desperate or anything like that - I could just as well be a lone wolf and be fine with it. But over time it's gotten weirder and weirder that I'm not generating any interest from girls. Maybe I'm just not good at picking up signals? Usually I try to see if the girl has enthusiasm in hanging around me. But I'm not sure what else to look for?

 

In the past, I've asked girls if they want to go get something to eat. A simple social thing, right? They almost always say no. I asked my sister about it and she says it's weird that they would be like that.

 

It was only very recently that I learned about a concept called a "friend zone", a totally evil place of doom. Apparently you're not supposed to befriend any girls, because the only point of girls is to charm and manipulate them into having sex with you. But this just makes everything come off like such a game.

 

In contrast, virtually all strong solid romantic relationships I've seen have been based upon strong friendships. I've posted about the friend zone vs. relationship thing, and gotten some good answers. But now I'm confused about what approach to take, because I don't know what approach girls would rather see from a guy?

 

My guy friends are absolutely surprised when they learn that I've never dated. They're also puzzled at why girls don't seem to take interest in me. It couldn't possibly be my height, could it? I mean, I've never cared about my height, and have always been comfortable with it, since it's just my own body. I just refuse to believe girls would be that shallow.

 

For the longest time, many people have kept telling me, "Don't worry, one day you'll meet a totally amazing girl and you both will be so lucky to find each other. It will be so worth the wait." At this point it sounds more and more like nonsense. Or should I still believe what they have said?

 

I apologize if this post is long. But based from what I described above, does anyone have any perspectives? Thanks very much!

[Bluecat]

Hello,

 

Thanks for all your input so far. I know that there are certain stereotypes working against me from the get-go. And no offense taken at all - I figure I'm pretty bad at picking up signals! I think it's probably because I grew up in a heavily academic-oriented environment, and just didn't grow up being exposed to the dating side of things.

 

I've read stuff online about girls fidgeting with their hair, licking their lips, and all the stuff about eye contact. But it seems like that could be vague - for example, people lick their lips when lips start to get a little dry. And I look people in the eye because that's what you do in the professional world. I'm interested in what kinds of signals and hints you all tend to look for?

 

Seems like I'm getting some flak for my dress sense haha. I do try to dress kind of sharp even if it's casual. And I definitely dress up nice when the occasion demands it. It's just that I don't want to be wearing a dress shirt and tie all the time, people around school would probably start looking at me weird.

 

In terms of making the first move...I mean, because I don't seem to get any vibes, then it doesn't seem to make sense to ask them out on dates? When I ask girls casually if they want to get lunch, and they say no, then it seems like things won't progress beyond that anyways.

 

I know I sound really clueless and pathetic about all of this! But that's why I'm posting here, and looking for advice! Thanks!

[Bluecat]

And yes, I've heard about how if I get into med school, girls might start paying attention. I'm currently applying, but a process such as med school admission is always very unpredictable, so you just have to keep perseverence. It just kind of sucks that I may have to go do one of the hardest things around before girls will take notice...argh

[jerseyboy]

Damn man

 

That is weird.

 

How do you approach women, You say they say no when you ask them to dinner etc. How well do you know the women you are asking? Meanign is it right after a casual conversation, strangers you meet in public etc.?

 

Have you tried a dating site?

[USMCHokie]

In terms of making the first move...I mean, because I don't seem to get any vibes, then it doesn't seem to make sense to ask them out on dates? When I ask girls casually if they want to get lunch, and they say no, then it seems like things won't progress beyond that anyways.

 

Don't approach women with the attitude that you're "making a move"...find something to initiate casual conversation...it can be ANYTHING...and do this whenever you're out and about...get comfortable talking to strangers...get comfortable talking to women...heck, get comfortable talking to other guys...

 

For example, I was standing in line on Halloween night last month waiting in this ridiculously long line at the Party Store getting my costume like everyone else at the last minute and just started talking to a girl standing next to me in line about how much waiting in line sucked...then we talked the rest of the way in line...then I never saw her again...

 

You really should just start doing that with no intention of getting their number or asking them out...just get comfortable and used to casual conversation...then you'll start to pick up on the little things that women do when they're interested...and you'll gain confidence...girls like that...or so I hear...

[Pizzaman81]

Hello,

 

...I don't want to be a jerk who treats girls like disposable trash.

 

There's your problem!

 

Ok jokes aside! You sound like a very nice gentleman who is classy, dresses well, well educated, etc.

 

Now what you are looking for in a person is what everyone deep down looks for a nice reliable girl.

 

My question though, how do you approach women? How do you act around them? Do you have lots of friends that are girls, and do you act the same way to all of them?

[radwimps]

I've read stuff online about girls fidgeting with their hair, licking their lips, and all the stuff about eye contact. But it seems like that could be vague - for example, people lick their lips when lips start to get a little dry. And I look people in the eye because that's what you do in the professional world. I'm interested in what kinds of signals and hints you all tend to look for?

 

There are way more signals than just those. I can list a few more being:

-Blushing

-Choking on words

-Touching you with any excuse

-Chooses to talk YOU even though there are other people around

-Smiles alot in front of you compared to other people

-Is flirty towards OTHER people more often when they are around you(She's playing hard to get, getting you be more jealous)

etc, etc..... There are tons.

 

Seems like I'm getting some flak for my dress sense haha. I do try to dress kind of sharp even if it's casual. And I definitely dress up nice when the occasion demands it. It's just that I don't want to be wearing a dress shirt and tie all the time, people around school would probably start looking at me weird.

 

Dress sense don't matter much, as long as you don't look like a caveman. Or heavily dresses according to any stereotypes

 

In terms of making the first move...I mean, because I don't seem to get any vibes, then it doesn't seem to make sense to ask them out on dates? When I ask girls casually if they want to get lunch, and they say no, then it seems like things won't progress beyond that anyways.

 

Don't ask them out "Casually", make it clear that it is a date. A half-assed "do you wanna go for lunch?" is just confusing the poor girl and she won't know how to respond because she's not sure if she's going for "Just a social thing" or a "Date". Trust me on this one. At one point in my life, a buddy of mine(I was sitting next to the poor guy) called up this girl he was interested in, and gave a REALLY hesitant sounding "Uhh... hey xxxxxx you wanna go for lunch today?"

 

a few seconds later.

 

"oh ... no? oh... okay... bye...."

 

Needless to say I laughed way too hard.

Edited November 21, 2009 by radwimps

[Bluecat]

Thanks for your tips thus far. As for random small talk with strangers, it's not something I've had a talent for, so it's something I've improved on over time.

 

In terms of clothing, even if I dressed up in a suit, I still look like I'm in my very early 20s! Hmm, maybe I'm kind of in trouble here...

 

I guess the way I interact with girls depends on what they are like. If I sense that they are the more outgoing extroverted type, I will talk with them in a more forward way. If I sense that they are the more shy and introverted type, I will be a little more toned down. With the shy introverted types, it's amusing to kid around in a light clean way, just to get some kind of reaction out of them.

 

I've noticed that a lot of girls go hot and cold, and they'll stop ignoring you if you make yourself more unavailable. What's up with that? It's so weird.

[Yukikazi]

Thanks for your tips thus far. As for random small talk with strangers, it's not something I've had a talent for, so it's something I've improved on over time.

 

In terms of clothing, even if I dressed up in a suit, I still look like I'm in my very early 20s! Hmm, maybe I'm kind of in trouble here...

 

I guess the way I interact with girls depends on what they are like. If I sense that they are the more outgoing extroverted type, I will talk with them in a more forward way. If I sense that they are the more shy and introverted type, I will be a little more toned down. With the shy introverted types, it's amusing to kid around in a light clean way, just to get some kind of reaction out of them.

 

I've noticed that a lot of girls go hot and cold, and they'll stop ignoring you if you make yourself more unavailable. What's up with that? It's so weird.

 

Welcome to the crazy world of women.. they want what they can't have.. and loose interest in what they get too easy.

They want someone that can take care of himself (sounds like you do) can show them a fun time (sounds like you do that also) but also makes them feel sexy and wanted(apparently you got some problems in that area). While you are making good conversation with them and making them laugh.. are you trying to get a more sexual vibe going? Are you touching them at all when you are talking to them? Its called Kino.. google it.

You have to be willing to risk it.. like you said.. if you hesitate you loose out. Guys only got a few minutes to make an impression.. will that be a friendly one or a future bf one.. all depends on the first interaction.

Just remember.. they may be girls but they probably want to meet someone and have sex just as much as you do.

They just can't show it as readily as a guy can. So you have to balance their nice girl image with their suppressed desire to let loose and be the bad girl. The nice girl gets you conversation and rapport.. you seem to get that.. now you need to arouse the bad girl side of her.

Edited November 24, 2009 by Yukikazi

[radwimps]

Thanks for your tips thus far. As for random small talk with strangers, it's not something I've had a talent for, so it's something I've improved on over time.

 

In terms of clothing, even if I dressed up in a suit, I still look like I'm in my very early 20s! Hmm, maybe I'm kind of in trouble here...

 

I guess the way I interact with girls depends on what they are like. If I sense that they are the more outgoing extroverted type, I will talk with them in a more forward way. If I sense that they are the more shy and introverted type, I will be a little more toned down. With the shy introverted types, it's amusing to kid around in a light clean way, just to get some kind of reaction out of them.

 

I've noticed that a lot of girls go hot and cold, and they'll stop ignoring you if you make yourself more unavailable. What's up with that? It's so weird.

 

yup, you are slowly diving into the game of chase

 

eventually you'll get to the game of dating

 

and hate them both.

 

I wish we could just love each other movie perfect haha

[jerseyboy]

Thanks for your tips thus far. As for random small talk with strangers, it's not something I've had a talent for, so it's something I've improved on over time.

 

In terms of clothing, even if I dressed up in a suit, I still look like I'm in my very early 20s! Hmm, maybe I'm kind of in trouble here...

 

I guess the way I interact with girls depends on what they are like. If I sense that they are the more outgoing extroverted type, I will talk with them in a more forward way. If I sense that they are the more shy and introverted type, I will be a little more toned down. With the shy introverted types, it's amusing to kid around in a light clean way, just to get some kind of reaction out of them.

 

I've noticed that a lot of girls go hot and cold, and they'll stop ignoring you if you make yourself more unavailable. What's up with that? It's so weird.

 

 

Dude you are 31

 

If I were you Id seriously, almost obnoxiously, hit up every girl I could possibly have an interest in. Dont be sly or subtle. dont try to make friends. Lay it out there big time.

 

Not that its a forumula for picking the pick of the litter, but you need to start experiencing some more adult and advanced interaction with women.

 

The old maxim is true. You ask enough women to do just about anything and some fo them are going to say yes.

[espec10001]

Dude you gotta figure out what you want. Do you want a wife, a girlfriend, a fling, a f***?

 

Females are a mixed bag. They can bring you up really high and they can also bring you down really low. There is no middle ground with females. If you want drama and emotions that is how females respond to things. Passion is drama and they understand these things. They don't want boring dudes, they may SAY they want a nice, stable guy, but you'll notice the only dudes getting chicks are the crazy and unstable ones. The reason is no matter what they say they want it isn't true! They want a ride, an adventure, they want fun. Next time instead of saying "Hey do you want to go out to lunch" offer something else that is FUN, like ice skating, dancing, going to a concert, stargazing, something she wouldn't NORMALLY do!

 

And if she says no to doing something fun, you wouldn't want to waste your time with a boring chick anyway. Even married chicks will fall for the offer for fun, because many women are still little girls at heart and as the saying goes: "Girls just wanna have fun."