Will his rebound work?

[hollaballoo]

I dated my boyfriend for almost four years. We are young, still in college, and this past week he came to me and told me he cheated on me with another girl (who he hardly knows, just met her a month ago and honestly doesn't know much about her) and he wanted to break up. First he said he didn't want to be with anyone, not me or her, but the next day after I yelled at him and made him fess up he said he does have feelings for her and he does want to be with her. We were absolutely best friends and I've never been hurt so badly. Everyone tells me I need to just lay low and ignore him for a while but it's so difficult and I've been failing miserably. I have improved a little bit, and today he finally gave me a proper apology for the way he has handled this whole break up (he has been acting as the victim). I told him I forgive him because I know that regardless of whether anyone deserves it, I will be happier if I forgive him. He said that he cheated because he has gradually been losing interest for the last couple of months and thought I was too, but I definitely wasn't and I was totally caught off guard. I just feel like he is on the rebound and he doesn't know this girl from Eve, and I'm wondering if it will last. He also told me the night he broke up with me he wished he could take it all back and we could work through it, and that he still has feelings for me but doesn't love me anymore. I am so confused. I have told him it's best we're over and I never want him back, but now that he is getting with the new girl I can't bear the thought of it and I just wish he'd come back. I don't know what to do or what to think. I am going to try to ignore him for a while and I'm just praying that when he goes out with her tonight and when he kisses her he'll be thinking of me, because I don't understand how he could be completely over me so quickly because he really did love me before, and we are just best friends.

[Enema]

Young, college kids.

 

Almost certainly won't last with either her or you.

 

Did you think you'd be together forever? Better that he gets curious now than in 5 years when you have a kid together.

Edited November 20, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hollaballoo]

No you *******, I didn't think it'd last forever. I knew it wouldn't, but I saw no reason for it to end when we still have feelings for each other. I never wanted to marry my first love like that because I never want to wonder if I could have met someone else, I'm not a moron, don't leave condescending remarks like this you jackass. Just because I don't want a relationship to end doesn't mean I have plans for marriage.

[hollaballoo]

And I'm not having kids, period.

[Enema]

I can't see why he'd want to break up with you - you seem lovely.

[hollaballoo]

You left a rude, derogatory comment and I don't appreciate it. You've got an axe to grind and I'm not looking for that, I'm looking for genuine advice from whole-hearted people seeking to help, not people like you seeking to belittle others.

[boogieboy]

WOW you sure fly off the handle quick.

 

He lost interest in you months ago, so he isnt broken hearted, therefore, he isnt on the rebound. He told you that he was having feelings for another girl, that pretty much says its not a rebound.

 

Whether it lasts or not, well, I dont see him going back to you if it doesnt work out with this girl..but he cheated, meaning he had little feelings for you, seems he just wanted to get away from you. But you cant really trust what anyone says when they want to get rid of you....

 

4 years though, and you were all in. I hope you can get through it. I hope you dont have a long recovery.

[jerseyboy]

Cut her some slack

 

Shes hurting and came here for support.

 

This is all fresh for her.

 

Think the question is the wrong one sweetie. Whether it will work or not shouldnt be your focus right now.

 

Youre young, in college, the greatest social networking device ever created.

 

Grab your gf's and have some fun. And if it makes you feel better let him sweat it a little like you are.

 

Its gonna hurt. Its supposed to hurt a lot. The hurt will go away and within whbnatever period of time youll reach a point and wonder what you ever saw in the guy.Weve all been through it

[hollaballoo]

Thank you for your understanding. This just happened this week and it is very much a fresh wound. I realize that there are many other fish in the sea, I just felt like our time wasn't really over yet. Truthfully, it's not that I am really even here for advice, as I'm sure nobody is. We're all here in hopes that someone will tell us what we want to hear. Nobody on here has any idea who I am or what my situation is, so I realize any "advice" is pretty much worthless. I'm just trying to cope with this without having to bother my friends and family about it.

[hollaballoo]

And the reason it's so confusing is because when he broke up with me he told me he still has feelings for me. I am not going to talk to him anymore for a long time, I'm just going to see what happens, but I need an outlet.

[Thornton]

They all say they "still have feelings" for you, because they think it softens the blow. The fact is, if he still had feelings for you he wouldn't have cheated on you and dumped you. He's obviously been losing interest for a while, hence why he's moved on so quickly, and he's admitted having feelings for this other girl which he wasn't having for you. I think you just need to let this one go and try not to care about whether it lasts with his new girlfriend or not, because regardless of the outcome you still don't want him back, so what does it matter? You need to focus on you and forget about him, and perhaps also work on some of your anger issues since you really were rude to the first poster who replied to you.

[hollaballoo]

I think you are right, except I don't regret what I said to the first poster. I do not tolerate degrading language like that, and his tone was condescending.

[hollaballoo]

Actually I understand why everyone thinks I'm crazy. His comment has been edited so the rude words he used were deleted. I reported his comment so they censored the foul language he had used. If you had seen his original message you would understand.

[Thornton]

It's hurtful to admit that someone you loved didn't have the same feelings for you, because it means that you misjudged them, and that's a bitter pill to swallow. But that's exactly what you need to accept in this case... unfortunately you were misled and he wasn't the decent loving person you were led to believe he was. He didn't even end the relationship decently... he cheated and lied. There's no shame in being taken in by an extremely good liar; you should feel sorry for this other girl because he's likely to continue his cheating, lying ways and end up hurting her too. Luckily you got out without any permanent damage (such as STDs from his cheating) and it's a lesson well learned. Next time someone cheats on you, kick him to the curb without thinking twice and don't demean yourself by offering a second chance as you did with this guy. Maybe next time you'll be a bit more shrewd when it comes to deciding who to give your heart to, so this experience will have benefited you in the long run.

[hollaballoo]

Yeah well I definitely don't feel sorry for the girl, she knew exactly what she was doing and she deserves any heartache coming her way. I think she'll be lucky though because unfortunately he is a good person who made a bad choice, and I highly doubt he will ever cheat again seeing how much pain he put me through. On the one hand I don't want him to, either, because I want him to learn from this, but on the other I really want her to suffer for what she did too. I think it's very sleazy to pursue someone who has a girlfriend, and honestly I don't think he would have cheated if she hadn't been pursuing him, he would have just broken up with me and then probably been alone until someone else came along. He's very reserved and it's not in his nature to seek girls or flirt, but he was falling out of love with me and then along comes some girl that can boost his confidence so he enjoyed that and went for it. I don't think they will work out because I have met her and he even admitted he doesn't know her at all, it was just a quick easy rebound and I really believe they're not a good match and he's gonna learn the hard way that she's not what he thought she was. I know that we won't get back together, either, because I don't think I love him anymore the more I think about it, and I think we are a better match as friends. I really hope he finds a different girl that he actually does match better with, and I hope this girl learns that "stealing" boyfriends doesn't get you anywhere, and feels like a fool for thinking she actually stood a chance. I would never do that to another girl, try to steal her boyfriend, because not only is it dishonorable but I know better than to think he would actually have real feelings for me, he'd just be looking for a quick fix. He was horrible to cheat on me, she is a fool to think anything will actually come of this, and I was in denial that he and I didn't mesh as well as I wanted to. Most of all I just hated being broken up with, that feeling of having absolutely no control over your own situation. But I am over it now and am glad to be friends, and excited to play the field for once.

[Thornton]

Assuming this other girl was single then she didn't do anything wrong, so I don't see why you want her to suffer. She didn't "steal" him - he handed himself over on a plate. This isn't her fault - do you really think he would still be in love with you if this girl hadn't come along? Of course not - he was already falling out of love with you when he spotted someone else who caught his fancy and he decided to cheat with her. This girl is not the one who was cheating, your ex was.

 

You still persist in saying "he's a good person who made a bad choice"... no, he's a cheater who treated you like dirt, and this is all his fault not the fault of some innocent girl. He probably didn't even tell her he was in a relationship. Do you really think he feels pain for what he put you through? I very much doubt it - his sort never do. He'll probably do it over, and over, and over to different girls without caring at all how any of them feel.

 

You need to stop thinking of him as a good person and the other girl as the temptress who stole him away - he's clearly not a good person, and nobody can "steal" someone else because they have their own free will - if they offer themselves freely (as your ex did) then it isn't stealing! You sound like you're still in denial about the fact that he cheated on you, and you want to blame everyone except him, although he's really the only one to blame.

[hollaballoo]

Actually, she did know we were in a relationship. I am not excusing anything he did, and I even said he was already falling out of love with me. That's my point, he would have broken up with me either way, but if someone else hadn't come along and pursued him, he wouldn't have looked for someone. He would have broken up with me and just been alone because that is his nature, he is a loner and honestly we wouldn't have gotten together if I hadn't pursued him long ago. He just doesn't go out looking for girls. She did "steal" him, and she is not innocent because she did know what she was doing and she did it anyway. He knew what he was doing, too, but I don't have to forgive her. I need to forgive him though, for both my own sake and for our sake as friends. He wants my forgiveness and wishes he had just ended the relationship before he even met her, and he should have, but I can't hold grudges against everyone who does me wrong. There is no reason for me to forgive her or feel any sympathy for her though, so I don't. I do blame it on him, and I fully understand that he has no idea what kind of pain he put me through and unfortunately he never will until it happens to him one day. I am taking the high road and I am forgiving him and am going to remain friends, because I deserve his friendship whether he deserves mine or not. I will never take him back, and he'll never want me back anyway, but I have made a promise to myself that I won't take a cheater back. I do not think this is a black and white situation and no relationship is, and regardless of what complete strangers tell me on here I do know that he is still a good person. He has been going through a lot of stress because honestly, his mother is dying, he's failing a few classes, and he is young and felt like he was trapped because he had been one relationship for so long. It was not a mistake to like someone else, it was just a mistake to start flirting with her and kiss her. He did not cheat to hurt me, he cheated because he was acting selfishly, but as soon as he kissed her he told her it was wrong and she had to leave, and then he told me, so that is why I know he is not a bad person. He could have lied about it, but he came to me and confessed. I know that the cynics will always say "Well he lied about that, too, don't you know he had sex with her! Don't you know he didn't just kiss her and ask her to leave, he's still lying!" Well, I know he's not lying because he has no reason to anymore, he doesn't love me and isn't trying to keep me around, he told me the straight truth and knew it'd hurt. But he never treated me like dirt. We have had our differences but he has never disrespected me in any way and he did love me very much for the most part of our relationship. It does sadden me very much that he doesn't feel as guilty as I think he should, but one day when this happens to him I think he will be absolutely crushed, and he will remember that he did the same thing to me and he will finally realize the severity of it. I am still jealous that he got to have it the easy way, he got to fall out of love with me while I was still around so he didn't have to suffer the separation anxiety of a breakup, because by the time we broke up he was totally ready for it. And on top of it he had already moved on, so for him this has worked out perfectly. But he can't be dealt all the hard cards at once. He has no father, no siblings, and his mother is dying, and that is more weight than any young person should ever have to bear. I do not mean that it excuses his cheating, but in the scope of things, he wasn't being malicious and it just isn't that big of a deal. Everyone deserves a freebie once in a while, and he needs it now more than ever.

[dreamergrl]

OP - the longer you keep playing out the situation over and over in your head, and wondering what will be for the two of them, and all that stuff, the more you will prolong getting past this.