enay Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Apologies in advance for this being a novel I met my BF about 6 months ago when I was bartending and he was a patron (oh, I'm mid 20's by the way). We immediately hit it off and while I was working he sat there talking to me. I was seeing someone else and didn't know what to do because we hit it off so well. I decided to hang out with him in a friends only kind of way and see what his intentions were...when I saw we had a great time and really connected (even though nothing happened, no kissing, no cheating, just a good time). I broke up with the guy i was seeing and we started dating basically immediately. Also, this guy is 25 years older than I, as was the guy i was seeing before him (no i don't have any daddy issues, for some reason i just go for older men). At that point I noticed he had some issues with alcohol and behavior. I definitely don't like confrontation and am one of those people who will avoid it at all costs. it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm more likely to ignore a problem and let it fester than to address it (yes, i know it's a short coming, one that it is very difficult to do anything about). Early on int he relationship he would bring up a semi-legitimate beef and then kinda blow up over it. I generally felt like it was my fault and he was right to be upset, but that he somewhat overreacted. He would apologize later for flipping out. Examples of this: I didn't tell him immediately that I had a boyfriend (when I'm bartending I don't tend to share a lot of personal info with customers) and he flipped out when I mentioned I had a boyfriend when we were hanging out in a friendly way. We were at a bar and had a very public kinda outburst I had to deal with. i get very embarrassed in those situations, but he doesn't even notice other people around and will talk about problems in front of everyone. he also didn't like me talking to my ex boyfriends at all. He told me i should cut all contact with them as they were just trying to get me back and ruin our relationship. (and to be honest, one of my ex's who i'd dated for a year and half was kinda trying to do that...i found out later). However, i had no attraction to these two guys, they had just been an important part of my life and I liked talking to them and seeing them occassionally (going out for lunch or texting some). I can see how that would make him uncomfortable so i agreed to stop hanging out with them one on one as he didn't like it. what he heard is "I will never talk to either of them ever again" and what I thought i said was "I'll talk to them occassionally to be polite and help with their advertising for their business but not spend time one on one together or seek out company". When i went out of town for a week to a week long intensive training session in New York my BF and I talked every day and texted. however, one evening I'd gone to eat with some of the other people in the session when he called. Since we were in a loud restaurant and hanging out together I didn't answer (people on the phones in restaurants bothers me, by the way). He kept calling and calling and calling, so finally i went outside and answered. Made the mistake of telling him I had seen he was calling but hadn't answered initially. That really really upset him and I spent most of that night out of the training session on the phone with him crying. I apologized for ignoring him and mistreating him and finally we got past it. When I got back we had a nice few days before I went to his house after work one day and saw the 12 pack of beer I'd bought was almost gone and he was saying "I'll buy that vase you made right now for $1000". He tried to break up with me because my ex's "weren't gone". He'd gone through my cell phone and my computer that day since I'd left them at his house and found that while i was gone I'd gotten drunk one night and responded to texts from one of my ex's (nothing bad just him being like "i'm drunk" and me being liek 'me too!" and him saying I should make out with him and me saying in your dreams, etc.) probably 5-10 back and forths. Admitedly I should not have been drunk texting/psuedo flirting with the ex, but he went through my stuff to find this out which really bothered me. he told me he couldn't trust me and that he had morals and loyalty and i didn't and that I treated him like the red headed step child (a favorite phrase of his since it was very difficult for me to tell my parents we were dating because of the age difference, i knew they wouldn't approve). and we argued about the whole situation for a while, there was mostly me apologizing for breaching his trust and him telling me how much it hurt hima nd how he would never treat me like that. He always asks (in a situation where he's mad about something i did) how I would feel if he did the same thing...and generally I'm like "well if you talked to one of your exs I probably wouldn't like it but I wouldn't tell you not to do it or freak out" and he'll call BS on me and tell me I would react just how he did. Which is untrue, because I'm a simmerer...keep the emotions locked in and avoid confrontation...but he won't listen when he's woundup like that. So because he was being the wounded red-headed step child I told my parents about him (they reacted unfavorably, as anticipated). I made him my facebook boyfriend (my roommate from college and I had been "married" in that joking girl way for two years), posted pictures of him talked about him to everyone, etc. I was kinda uncomfortable publicizing everything because of the age difference and knowing a lot of people would judge us...which I knwo i shouldn't be embarassed about it, but I am. We've gone to visit my sister a few times and stayed with her. he volunteered to do some work on their new house and also helped them move into it. My sister and Bro-in-law have been really nice to him and never really mentioned the age difference or anything. The most recent time we were there, though, while he was doing a little work on the house for them my sister decided to explain she wasn't going to fan his business on facebook because my parents were sensitive about our relationship and she didn't want to upset or hurt them.He kinda unloaded on her about what was honest and right and how wrong it was of her to take that position and that if it wasn't a big deal she should just click and be his friend, why couldn't she do that. he told me she was taking a position against us and that her husband was probably "in on it to" and that it would have made her a much better person if she had just told him she wouldn't be his fan before he started doing the work for them 9though he had volunteered to do it, not saying I'll do this in exchange for you being my fan on face book). we left and drove two hours back home because he'd upset my sister so much (while this was happening i was working about a half hour from their house and my phone died. He said that I knew when I left he was upset and how could I let my phone die and not check it when i knew he was upset and would need me...why didn't I check it while I was working, etc.) he was also really upset the whole time. i agreed with him some that it was easy for my sister to be a fan on facebook and I wished she would, but i also didn't think it was such a big thing to try and pressure her into. He didn't realize he'd upset my sister and said that "all we did was have a conversation, i don't knwo why she would say she felt attacked". Since this point I've been on edge in our relationship all the time as he's kinda ostracized my family and the allies we had. my sister now wants me to break up with him. He's been pressuring me to bring him to my family holidays but I know it will not go over well with my parents. He's bipolar and in the past two weeks ha started taking his Lithium and stopped drinking heavily (most of these outbursts have come when he was drinking scotch). this week he was really cool about saying that he thought it best if he didn't go to my family's Thanksgiving because he didn't think it was the right battle...etc. He really wants to get married soon (in June, I've always planned to date several years before marrying and it upset him when i said this) and I'm very wary of this because I love him...but I'm worried if these ups and downs will even out with him on his medication. I've been looking for a house to take advantage of the tax credit and so to save some money I moved out of my aopartment before I had the house and into his house. Now i'm two weeks from closing and he wants to move in to my new house with me and sell his. I don't mind him moving in, but he's very very "us, our house, you love me right? this is my home too, right?" The more he preassures the more I want to back out...especially since py parents would freak out about us living together (they're pretty conservative). We just went to Chicago with his whole family for an event i wanted to go to (his brother lives there). i really love his family and they love me. his brother let us stay in an executive suite at the hotel where he works and everything there was free. also, my BF is helping me build some things I need for work in his dad's wood shop and wants to do work on the house I bought. I feel after taking all these things (even though i have paid several of his bills and loaned him money while the economy is down...he runs his own home repair business and things are tight) that it would be terrible to break up. I do love him, but I'm feeling smothered and extremely pressured and anytime I express these things he gets really hurt and turns it around on me. Telling me that I'm dishonest and have secrets and won't be honest with my family about him and all these things. I jsut don't want to upset my parents, they know he's my boyfriend, they don't like it and aren't supportive, but they love me. They probably aren't responding the best way they could but rubbing their noses in it isn't going to help things any and he doesn't see that. He sayd I'm an adult and can do what I want and they'll deal with it....which is true, but i don't want to be intentionally hurtful to my parents. i also don't want hi moving his stuff into my house when I feel like our relationship is very precarious. He's also very needy, we spend all our time together...i never see any of my friends really (though I kind of "lost them in the divorce" when i broke up with my last boyfriend, and many of them have moved) because his house is 45 minutes from town where we work. We carpool to work then have lunch together in the day, then go home or to handbell practice at church or to hang out together or just go home. he calls and texts me while I'm at work...and sometimes he gets upset if I don't respond (ok he gets "worried" something happened to me) he helped me find this house and did the home inspection...his brother let us stay at his hotel...he's building me things i need for work and I really appreciate it but I tell him "he I'll do that myself" "dont be silly, i can do it much faster/better, you'd hurt yourself"...but day by day I'm more on edge and uneasy inthe relationship. i really do care about him and worry what would happen to him if i ended things...but I'm not happy and don't know what to do. I never know when he's going to erupt I feel like. Sorry this was so long, any advice is appreciated.
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Hes 50 yrs old, dating a 20 something, and has serious issues. You rarely see that combination in life.
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Also I look a lot older than I am And am perfectly willing to pick up age enahncing poor habits Just throwing it out there
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