Should I be her?

[metaphors]

Please forgive the lack of background information.

 

I was sent here by recommendation from another advice forum.

 

My issue:

 

 

 

 

 

The last few days the fights and tensions have been escalating. Seemingly without reason, or any MORE reason than previously stated. I've felt for awhile that I didn't live up to a certain “standard” that was being set for me. It was a standard he set, being what I consider OVERLY affectionate, OVERLY possessive, OVERLY touchy/feely, and somewhat overly sexual. Everything said is sexual. I can't change clothes without him coming into the room and just staring, I can't wear low cut shirts or he feels as though he has to gawk or grope.

 

 

He lets me know, on a fairly regular basis, that I am not meeting his sexual needs. Lately I've been ill. Actually, it isn't “lately”. I've been chronically ill for quite awhile now, the extent of which he is not aware. I don't tell him because he's not very supportive or sympathetic and his behavior would not change if he knew, he'd still be the same and I'd feel ignored and betrayed having to explain to him over and over again that I'm not capable of constantly giving him what he asks for.

 

 

To the point, as I said above, it seems as if he's quicker to judge, quicker to snap, quicker to tell me what I'm doing wrong. But at the same time, he's been more clingy and attached, more demanding of my time, attention, and affection (when he's not busy doing something else).

 

 

In the last couple of days he's been chatting a lot on AIM. It doesn't bother me, I promise you 100 times over that I don't care WHO he is talking to or what about. When I get near his desk, he quickly closes the box. For awhile I got quite a kick out of it, and it was something very noticeable though I do a great job of pretending I don't notice. Again, never cared. I can see the name of the person he is talking to, and I chose not to “investigate” or ask questions, nothing. Again, really genuinely did not care.

 

 

This morning I grabbed the remote off of his desk, and his messenger pops up with a message from this person.

 

 

I see it, it reads “kiss!”.

 

 

Heh, okay....

 

 

It has a chat history loaded from their conversation the night before.

 

 

Who knows why I read it. I don't. I don't have qualms with “snooping”. I don't feel guilty about it, at all. Nothing anyone can say will ever make me feel bad.

 

 

Truth be told, it was way out of character for me. He's gone through my email, cellphone, and advice forum posts and it hurt me so much that I would never do that to anyone, including him.

 

But it was right there, I could see it. I read it, whatever.

 

 

It was 80% neutral, 20% incriminating.

 

 

Mostly on her part, and not his.

 

 

She made her desire to be his girlfriend known on more than one occasion-didn't bother me.

 

 

She made her sexual desire for him known on more than one occasion-didn't bother me.

 

 

His responses were mildly favorable.

 

 

He encouraged her responses a bit, but nothing major. But he never discouraged her either.

 

 

The two of them are facebook friends, she's younger than we are by 4-5 years.

 

 

Startlingly, she looks a LOT like me. Almost identical. Her hair is darker and shorter, and she is a bit heavier, and I won't read into the fact that he always frowns upon my losing weight, and encourages me to dye my hair darker, and to cut it shorter. That would be paranoid of me, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

 

 

So why seek advice about this?

 

I feel like...she's giving him the impression that what he needs and deserves is this unwaivering devotion. Someone who wants to sit and chat with him for hours, chat with him about how wonderful HE is. She mentions, several times, that if he were with HER, they'd have sex every day. And enjoy “dessert in bed every night”.

 

 

I feel like he holds me to the standards SHE is setting.

 

It bothers me that he struts around here like Mr. Perfect Boyfriend (constantly making me out as the cold frigid witch when I'm not as insane as he is) when in reality he's being sorta slimy.

 

 

His online communique is not something I care to make him stop...he can have his little crushes and secret chats. I really don't care, and that probably says a lot.

 

 

What I WANT is for him to stop criticizing me, acting as if I'm the worst girlfriend in the world when I don't want to have sex during my period, or when I've been throwing up.

 

 

I want him to stop getting the impression that sex is something we need to be having 2 times a day, every day, regardless of how I feel. That if he wants it, he should get it, and if I loved him I'd give it to him. And if I don't, I don't love him, and therefore I am "punishing" him.

 

 

 

I want to stop being compared to this 22-something clone of me who wants to jump his bones all the time.

[jerseyboy]

What is your chronic illness?

 

No real advice. Hes selfish, no doubt. Not judging. It just is what it is and youre both still young.

 

Over all sound slike you should move on, but only you can answer if youre ready to dos o

[metaphors]

What is your chronic illness?

 

No real advice. Hes selfish, no doubt. Not judging. It just is what it is and youre both still young.

 

Over all sound slike you should move on, but only you can answer if youre ready to dos o

 

Cushing's disease.

 

We live together, so moving on isn't as easy as just not speaking any longer. We've 9 months left on our lease.

 

I AM ready to move on, but financially it'll have to wait awhile.

 

My hope was to try my best, and for him to try his best, to make things work. If they didn't, we'd never have to wonder "what if".

[Ody]

He lets me know, on a fairly regular basis, that I am not meeting his sexual needs

[...]

To the point, as I said above, it seems as if he's quicker to judge, quicker to snap, quicker to tell me what I'm doing wrong. But at the same time, he's been more clingy and attached, more demanding of my time, attention, and affection (when he's not busy doing something else).

 

To me this sounds like he is very dissatisfied, to the point where it affects his everyday behavior, and at the same time has some feelings of guilt he tries to assauge with affection and demands.

 

You're trying to change this man. He has a high sex drive, and it's not compatible with you (at least at the moment) for various reasons. You're not going to get very far trying to change him, just like he's not going to get very far trying to change you.

 

If this has been a problem since day one (albeit perhaps worse lately) I can't imagine it would work out in that case.

 

If on the other hand you've dated for a couple years or more, and originally you two were very compatible, and that it's your illness that has interfered... well he should put some hard work into working through this with you. But without knowing how long you've dated or been ill, and how long he's been showing this frustration, it's hard to give an opinion on whether he's been reasonable or not, and whether you have.

 

As far as the IM, he's setting up a goto girl if things with you two don't work out. Or worse, just looking to cheat. There's really no way around that - it's too clear that his responses were all geared towards keeping his options open. He might be doing it deliberately and furtively, or just kind of letting his dissatisfaction carry him along and being immature - but same net result.

[Ody]

Cushing's disease.

 

We live together, so moving on isn't as easy as just not speaking any longer. We've 9 months left on our lease.

 

I AM ready to move on, but financially it'll have to wait awhile.

 

My hope was to try my best, and for him to try his best, to make things work. If they didn't, we'd never have to wonder "what if".

 

Ahh that's pretty serious. My sympathies. I didn't get to read this extra info before my response. Sounds like a very LTR if you are living together and hopefully he does the right thing with sincere effort. And if you two can't work it out, at least has the class to not ruin your lease and be honest with you and such.

 

What a tough situation. Good luck.

[metaphors]

To me this sounds like he is very dissatisfied, to the point where it affects his everyday behavior, and at the same time has some feelings of guilt he tries to assauge with affection and demands.

 

You're trying to change this man. He has a high sex drive, and it's not compatible with you (at least at the moment) for various reasons. You're not going to get very far trying to change him, just like he's not going to get very far trying to change you.

 

If this has been a problem since day one (albeit perhaps worse lately) I can't imagine it would work out in that case.

 

If on the other hand you've dated for a couple years or more, and originally you two were very compatible, and that it's your illness that has interfered... well he should put some hard work into working through this with you. But without knowing how long you've dated or been ill, and how long he's been showing this frustration, it's hard to give an opinion on whether he's been reasonable or not, and whether you have.

 

As far as the IM, he's setting up a goto girl if things with you two don't work out. Or worse, just looking to cheat. There's really no way around that - it's too clear that his responses were all geared towards keeping his options open. He might be doing it deliberately and furtively, or just kind of letting his dissatisfaction carry him along and being immature - but same net result.

 

We dated for 3 years, then took an extended break, and are dating again.

 

He was never one with a high libido. If anything, it was always the opposite. He'd prefer to play video games than to have sex. We lived together 3 years and I could count on both hands the number of times we had actual sex. And it was 100% because he just wasn't a sexual person. We would discuss it, and it would basically come down to: he didn't want to, therefore we weren't going to.

 

His "issues" with sex and not having it enough are very recent. Within the last month and a half, actually.

 

I've been sick for probably close to 10 years. But only recently has it been causing me to be nauseated, and in frequent pain. Maybe the last 6 months or so?

 

I don't want it to sound like my illness keeps us from having sex. We have sex a couple times a week. Sometimes more, rarely less.

[Ody]

We dated for 3 years, then took an extended break, and are dating again.

 

His "issues" with sex and not having it enough are very recent. Within the last month and a half, actually.

 

I've been sick for probably close to 10 years. But only recently has it been causing me to be nauseated, and in frequent pain. Maybe the last 6 months or so?

 

I don't want it to sound like my illness keeps us from having sex. We have sex a couple times a week. Sometimes more, rarely less.

 

I would suggest telling him about the full extent of your illness. I do realize you could wind up hurt putting yourself out there like that. But if you've dated for that long, and live together I think your relationship deserves the chance to him to step up. Some people are a little thick about illness, they might not realize what's going on without being told, and they might even react badly to the issues that come with illness because they don't understand what's happening. But some of those people will be supportive and strong if they are told what's happening and better understand why things are difficult. It depends on how good of a person he is, how much you guys care for each other, and how ill you are I suppose.

 

And if he doesn't step up, knowing the whole story, then you will have your answer. In that case he's not acting harshly because he's a good man who doesn't realize how ill his lover is - instead he's acting harshly because he has a new infatuation and you should probably dump him at the end of your lease, or sooner.

[metaphors]

I would suggest telling him about the full extent of your illness. I do realize you could wind up hurt putting yourself out there like that. But if you've dated for that long, and live together I think your relationship deserves the chance to him to step up. Some people are a little thick about illness, they might not realize what's going on without being told, and they might even react badly to the issues that come with illness because they don't understand what's happening. But some of those people will be supportive and strong if they are told what's happening and better understand why things are difficult. It depends on how good of a person he is, how much you guys care for each other, and how ill you are I suppose.

 

And if he doesn't step up, knowing the whole story, then you will have your answer. In that case he's not acting harshly because he's a good man who doesn't realize how ill his lover is - instead he's acting harshly because he has a new infatuation and you should probably dump him at the end of your lease, or sooner.

 

I want to sincerely thank you for your advice.

 

I think this is the best advice I can and will get in my situation.

 

Know that you've truly helped me today, and I genuinely appreciate you as a person.

 

P.S. My moms advice was "Kill him, but try to make it look like an accident."

[jerseyboy]

Very sorry for your illness.

 

My friend suffers from that as well. With a child its hellish for her at times.

 

Take care of you hon

[Ody]

P.S. My moms advice was "Kill him, but try to make it look like an accident."

 

LOL. I like your mom's humor. I'm glad you can talk with her about these types of things.

 

I'm happy that it helps. I've had to deal with a lot of loved ones, romantic or otherwise, with illness. The first time it happened, I didn't really understand, and thus didn't do all I could. I hope that's the problem here too and your man can step up. Good luck.