Not attracted to guys I really like

[holiday]

I figured out one of the issues I have when it comes to dating. The more I know and like someone, the less attracted I am to them and the less I want to have sex with them.

 

Example: I was with someone for 4 years. He was close to perfect. Not kidding--seriously the funniest, most considerate, most sincere person I've met (and physically attractive as well). We became so close that I started to view him as a best friend and almost like a brother. I started to love him in a way similar to the way I love my mom. I felt incredibly safe, but not in love with and not sexually attracted to him anymore.

 

Next guy had Asperger's. He was brilliant, mysterious, sexy, and insightful. He also had a lot of bad qualities that can't be blamed entirely on Asperger's--insulting, cold, distant, volatile, selfish, alcoholic. We were together for 3 grueling years. It got to the point where I disliked him (sometimes actually hated him) as a person. But, I was CRAZY in love with him at the same time, and continued to want to have sex with him.

 

It's been 1 1/2 years since that breakup and I've went on dates because I've forced myself to go on these dates, but haven't met anyone who I'd consider going out with more than once or twice. (Would never consider sex with any of these guys. Just making that clear.)

 

I recently met someone, a good friend of one of my good friends who had had a girlfriend, but now they've broken up. He admitted how much he's always liked me, even when he had the girlfriend. We started hanging out, and I realized I liked him, and we ended up in a sexual relationship.

 

I had hoped sex would be the end of it, but he was persistent and got the silly idea to really like me and want to have a relationship with me. I was very hesitant at first but decided to actually make an effort to see where it could go. Now that I know him better and really like him as a person, I don't really want to take it any further and I don't feel as much sexual attraction for him. The attraction was intense at first and I thought I could fall for him, but now I don't really care anymore. (He's very physically attractive--some say he resembles Jude Law.)

 

What's wrong with me? Has anyone else experienced this? I can't figure out why I wouldn't be attracted to someone who's attractive, who I like and respect as a person, who I feel really safe with, and who I liked initially.

[boogieboy]

Apparently you only like the bad boy types. Not literally the bad boys, but you need the challenge, you need to feel like you cant relax and that you need to work hard to get the guy to love you. If the guy makes it easy, like you didnt earn it, and is really good to you, thats why you lose interest. You dont want these guys to ever show you their hearts. You dont appreciate itwhen they appreciate you. There are guys that like the thrill of the chase, and once they get the girl they jump ship. Youre like the opposite of that.

 

I dont know what to tell you to change this mentality, but maybe if you understand whats going on, you might change your mind.

[thegreatmoose]

I figured out one of the issues I have when it comes to dating. The more I know and like someone, the less attracted I am to them and the less I want to have sex with them.

 

Example: I was with someone for 4 years. He was close to perfect. Not kidding--seriously the funniest, most considerate, most sincere person I've met (and physically attractive as well). We became so close that I started to view him as a best friend and almost like a brother. I started to love him in a way similar to the way I love my mom. I felt incredibly safe, but not in love with and not sexually attracted to him anymore.

 

Next guy had Asperger's. He was brilliant, mysterious, sexy, and insightful. He also had a lot of bad qualities that can't be blamed entirely on Asperger's--insulting, cold, distant, volatile, selfish, alcoholic. We were together for 3 grueling years. It got to the point where I disliked him (sometimes actually hated him) as a person. But, I was CRAZY in love with him at the same time, and continued to want to have sex with him.

 

It's been 1 1/2 years since that breakup and I've went on dates because I've forced myself to go on these dates, but haven't met anyone who I'd consider going out with more than once or twice. (Would never consider sex with any of these guys. Just making that clear.)

 

I recently met someone, a good friend of one of my good friends who had had a girlfriend, but now they've broken up. He admitted how much he's always liked me, even when he had the girlfriend. We started hanging out, and I realized I liked him, and we ended up in a sexual relationship.

 

I had hoped sex would be the end of it, but he was persistent and got the silly idea to really like me and want to have a relationship with me. I was very hesitant at first but decided to actually make an effort to see where it could go. Now that I know him better and really like him as a person, I don't really want to take it any further and I don't feel as much sexual attraction for him. The attraction was intense at first and I thought I could fall for him, but now I don't really care anymore. (He's very physically attractive--some say he resembles Jude Law.)

 

What's wrong with me? Has anyone else experienced this? I can't figure out why I wouldn't be attracted to someone who's attractive, who I like and respect as a person, who I feel really safe with, and who I liked initially.

Do you really want a relationship at all or would you prefer more casual encounters?

 

Let's look at this from the man's side. I'm scared of women who behave in the way you describe yourself. I'm looking for a relationship and marriage and I certainly wouldn't want to get into a relationship where the closer I got to her, the less she was interested in me in a sexual way. It has to be a combination of both, not one or the other.

 

You have to decide what you are looking for. I think you may have to work hard to change your behavior patterns if you are looking for marriage.

[holiday]

Do you really want a relationship at all or would you prefer more casual encounters?

 

Let's look at this from the man's side. I'm scared of women who behave in the way you describe yourself. I'm looking for a relationship and marriage and I certainly wouldn't want to get into a relationship where the closer I got to her, the less she was interested in me in a sexual way. It has to be a combination of both, not one or the other.

 

You have to decide what you are looking for. I think you may have to work hard to change your behavior patterns if you are looking for marriage.

 

 

I definitely want an actual relationship. I want to get married and have children, hopefully soon. I wanted to marry the one with Asperger's. He didn't want this or any progression in the relationship, so it ended.

 

I don't have casual encounters. I ended up sleeping with the most recent guy because I had been waiting for a relationship to happen with someone, but it wasn't happening, and I hadn't had sex in a really long time (and I do like the guy).

 

I don't want to hurt men. I stayed with the one guy for 4 years because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. I kept talking myself into it vs. hurting him (though in the end, I did). We're still good friends now.

 

I just tend to get too close to certain men, so close it's hard to tell where one person begins and the other one ends. I start to feel like I'm losing myself. This is when I stop being physically attracted to them.

 

Should there be some sort of emotional boundary in relationships? If so, how do you maintain this boundary? Is it possible to be too close to a partner?

[Johnny M]

Posts like this are more proof that women are completely irrational and need to be treated like sh*t if you want to get any respect from them.

[cognac]

Posts like this are more proof that women are completely irrational and need to be treated like sh*t if you want to get any respect from them.

 

It really defies all logic. Why would someone enjoy and be attracted to being mistreated, stepped on, and treated like they have no worth? There's got to be a science grant somewhere for this. Or maybe it is a kneejerk reaction to the complete feminization of men in our matriarchal modern world?

 

Perhaps women are biologically wired to masochism? I mean all the love letters to Scott Peterson from all types of women of diverse looks, professions, and intelligence, to this average looking poop salesmen who killed his pregnant wife, can't possibly be a coincidence.

 

Just like the "tall guy thing", I'm going to have remember to try and figure out what it is about blatant and violent abuse that is so appealing.

[holiday]

Maybe if I clarified I'd seem more rational. I didn't like that the one ex was a jerk at times. I wanted him to work on these issues. Treating me badly was not acceptable, so it ended. If he had said, "let's get married but I'm still going to be a jerk," then obviously that wouldn't have happened.

 

I am curious to know what you all think about getting too close to someone in a relationship. Can this kill the relationship?

Edited November 17, 2009 by holiday

[onebigfatcat]

I don't thing there needs to be an emotional boundry in relationships. And I don't think as another poster mentioned that this is irrational at all.

 

I think a lot of people (men and women both) forget that "dating" doesn't end once you are in a relationship. There's still that need to push and pull, challenge, whatever you want to call it. Too many people just get comfortable and make the relationship just another part of their everyday routine. I have no doubt that you can still be in love with these men but think of them more like a family member because it seems like that is what both you and them have kind of tranformed into.

[neowulf]

I can offer a theory.

 

You're afraid of commitment.

 

You may not even realise you are, but consider this for a moment.

 

You're only really attracted to men who have no intension of commiting to you.. ego, they are "safe".

 

The ones who clearly show commitment to you, who treat you with kindness and respect are clearly commited to you.. so you lose your attraction to them to keep yourself safe.

 

I recognise this pattern, because I've seen it in my self. I've dated some wonderful women, who've been everything I should want in a partner. Loyal, loving, kind, considerate. Does nothing for me.

 

My ex of 6 years was completely self-centered. She dumped me within 3 months and I practiclaly *begged* her to come back. I spent the whole relationship "chasing" her.

 

So, if you are afraid of commitment, perhaps you have to ask yourself "Why". Perhaps you're not *really* ready to settle down and commit to someone.

 

Or, perhaps you simply aren't the marrying kind. I think a lot of people are brain washed into thinking marriage and children are the only purpose of life. If you *really* want these things, then you'll have to come to terms with the nature of that commitment.

 

It's a difficult and frustrating situation to be in. I sympathise and would suggest seeking a counsellor to talk things over with.

[thegreatmoose]

I definitely want an actual relationship. I want to get married and have children, hopefully soon. I wanted to marry the one with Asperger's. He didn't want this or any progression in the relationship, so it ended.

 

I don't have casual encounters. I ended up sleeping with the most recent guy because I had been waiting for a relationship to happen with someone, but it wasn't happening, and I hadn't had sex in a really long time (and I do like the guy).

 

I don't want to hurt men. I stayed with the one guy for 4 years because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. I kept talking myself into it vs. hurting him (though in the end, I did). We're still good friends now.

 

I just tend to get too close to certain men, so close it's hard to tell where one person begins and the other one ends. I start to feel like I'm losing myself. This is when I stop being physically attracted to them.

 

Should there be some sort of emotional boundary in relationships? If so, how do you maintain this boundary? Is it possible to be too close to a partner?

What I want in a marriage is my wife to be my best friend. I do NOT think you can be too close to a partner.

 

Also, you mentioned that you stayed with the man for 4 years because you didn't want to hurt him. Usually waiting when a breakup is inevitable makes it worse.

 

You need to figure out why you stop becoming physically attracted when you get close to men and break the pattern. Maybe a professional could help you figure this out. There are so many good men out there, but all this confusion could drive your ideal man away.

[thegreatmoose]

I think a lot of people (men and women both) forget that "dating" doesn't end once you are in a relationship. There's still that need to push and pull, challenge, whatever you want to call it. Too many people just get comfortable and make the relationship just another part of their everyday routine. I have no doubt that you can still be in love with these men but think of them more like a family member because it seems like that is what both you and them have kind of tranformed into.

Only some people like "push and pull or challenge". A lot of older people that have been married 40 or 50 years have marriages that would seem boring to many outsiders, but they have endured all these years. They are comfortable in their everyday routines and are satisfied with that.

 

If a woman expects "push and pull" behavior from me or she behaves in that way, the relationship would almost certainly end quickly.

 

I agree with the rest of your post.

[boogieboy]

A lot of older people that have been married 40 or 50 years have marriages that would seem boring to many outsiders, but they have endured all these years. They are comfortable in their everyday routines and are satisfied with that.

 

The push pull thing and marriages breaking up is something that has grown in the last 30 years, hence the high divorce rate. People that have been married 40-50 years...many of them fell out of love with each other, but they stick with the old-school mentality which is you dont divorce no matter what. So for this discussion, I dont think old people count...

 

Neowulf is right on point BTW

[Thornton]

I don't know how accurate this is, it's just my own opinion. I've had similar experiences in the past, where the guy becomes a best friend and I lose attraction to him, and I've come to the conclusion that such relationships fall into two categories:

 

1: You weren't really physically attracted to the guy in the first place, you just found him attractive because of his other qualities. As time passed, perhaps the attraction to his other qualities wore off... maybe his other qualities weren't as great as you initially thought, and when this became apparent you began to lose interest, or maybe you lost interest because you took his good qualities for granted and the relationship didn't evolve. Since there wasn't really any physical attraction, and you've now lost that emotional attraction, you no longer want to have sex. The other option is that to begin with you could get over your lack of physical attraction because he was so great, but as time wore on it became harder to deal with this lack of genuine passion. Either way, the cause is a lack of genuine physical attraction right from the beginning.

 

2: You found him physically attractive in the beginning, and you desired him, but as time passed you simply became too close to him. You began to see him as a brother, or even worse you developed a mother-son type relationship, and you lost sexual attraction to him.

 

In practice, I think this sort of relationship can actually be a combination of both factors - you're not really hot for the guy to begin with, and as you begin to lose attraction to him the relationship becomes more brotherly, which just turns you off even more.

 

So, what can you do to avoid this situation in the future?

 

The first thing is to ensure that there is some genuine physical attraction in the beginning, and you're not just dating him because he's a nice guy (which is what causes the category 1 problem). That feeling of physical attraction and desire obviously has an emotional component, but if there's a decent amount of pure physical attraction your relationship will obviously be a lot stronger and less prone to this problem of losing sexual attraction (or the risk of you being more attracted to someone else).

 

Next, you both have to work on evolving the relationship and actually going somewhere. If a relationship stalls and seems to have no future, it changes your view of your partner and what he can offer you, and you can lose attraction (also causing the category 1 problem).

 

You also need to have some idea of what you're looking for in a man, and if your current man doesn't match that you need to end the relationship (before the category 1 problem occurs). Hanging on to a relationship way past the point when you know the guy isn't right for you is what causes you to lose attraction... because you don't actually want this man.

 

Solving the category 2 problem requires constant effort throughout the relationship. Contrary to popular belief, you can be too close to your partner. Maintain some mystery - don't let him watch you cut your toenails or pick your nose or shave your legs, don't tell him every little detail about you (especially not undesirable things), don't lounge around in front of him the whole time wearing baggy clothes and no makeup, etc. Those are things you would do in front of your brother, not in front of a man who you want to desire you. Make an effort to be attractive just for his benefit, not just for other people when you go out. Continue to seduce him and do romantic things for him, the same as you did when you were first dating. Ideally he also needs to retain some mystery and treat you as a desirable woman... you need to continue to think of him as a desirable man, not as your brother who you see scratching his ass and biting his toenails. In other words, you need to avoid slipping from that "dating" kind of mentality into a "brother/sister" kind of mentality. He's your boyfriend, not your friend... if you make him into your best buddy then you no longer view him as your boyfriend and you lose attraction. French women in particular seem to be masters at maintaining their allure right throughout their lives.

 

So there you have my opinion: Make sure that physical attraction is there in the beginning, then maintain it by not becoming sloppy. Keep the romance alive, continue to think of him as your boyfriend, maintain a bit of mystery. Try not to be boring, mix it up a bit, make sure the relationship evolves. Too many people make the mistake of thinking that true love requires no maintenance, and that's their downfall.

 

In your case, I think you became too close to guy #1 and you lost attraction to him, whereas guy #2 always retained that slight distance and mystery which kept you coming back for more. I'm not saying you shouldn't be close with your partner, but there is such a thing as being too close!

[BookerT]

I definitely want an actual relationship. I want to get married and have children, hopefully soon. I wanted to marry the one with Asperger's. He didn't want this or any progression in the relationship, so it ended.

 

I don't have casual encounters. I ended up sleeping with the most recent guy because I had been waiting for a relationship to happen with someone, but it wasn't happening, and I hadn't had sex in a really long time (and I do like the guy).

 

I don't want to hurt men. I stayed with the one guy for 4 years because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. I kept talking myself into it vs. hurting him (though in the end, I did). We're still good friends now.

 

I just tend to get too close to certain men, so close it's hard to tell where one person begins and the other one ends. I start to feel like I'm losing myself. This is when I stop being physically attracted to them.

 

Should there be some sort of emotional boundary in relationships? If so, how do you maintain this boundary? Is it possible to be too close to a partner?

 

Hey OP, just curious, how's your parent's relationship and how did your father treat you?

 

A lot of women that have parents with relationship problems when they were kids or had fathers that didn't give them enough attention, abusive, etc, will often be commitmentphobic.

 

The most interesting thing about this as well is that these women will logically say they want healthy relationships, but subconsciously lose interest whenever they're treated with respect.

[thegreatmoose]

The push pull thing and marriages breaking up is something that has grown in the last 30 years, hence the high divorce rate. People that have been married 40-50 years...many of them fell out of love with each other, but they stick with the old-school mentality which is you dont divorce no matter what. So for this discussion, I dont think old people count...

 

Neowulf is right on point BTW

I see the same thing in younger people that I know in successful marriages. There's a lack of drama in the relationships, but some on the outside might say that means boring. Sure, they still go on dates and enjoy time with each other, but they don't have to have excitiement every minute. What they don't do is play these childish push pull type dating games with each other.

 

A lot of people advocate playing these games and hiding parts of yourself and saying don't get too close. Maybe there is a lot passion in some of these relationships, but there is also more drama and more broken marriages.

 

There are various opinions on the issues the OP is having. That is why someone professionally trained that talks to her, rather than just reads a few of her posts, is more likely get to the bottom of it and help her change and get the marriage and family she desires.