Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 About a year ago, I met up with an old crush I had from high school. He now is divorced with two kids 14 and 10 and lives in FLA. We visited each other on holidays but had problems (kids, ex, work). I moved down there in March to be with him.... however, he didn't want to see me. When he was with the kids, I couldn't come over. When the kids were with his ex, he wanted time alone. I hated the job down there, so I moved back to my hometown, CT. A week after moving back to CT, he called to tell me that he went on a date - It killed me. Now that I am back, he calls me constantly telling me what a mistake it was to throw me away. That he loves me and wants to be with me. He has many issues with his ex and kids and is not very stable. When I arrived back to CT; I met a really wonderful guy online. He is newly divorced with a kid. He is very loving, warm and caring. He told me that he likes me "As Is" and that there maybe a future for us. Can an LDR really work itself out? I am planning to go down to FL to see him, but the new boyfriend (Charlie) wants to spend time with me. He knows briefly about the CT guy, Charlie, but not that we are having sex and talk on a daily basis. Is he (Sam - FLA), wanting me because of the nearby love? Any advice?
phineas Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You moved down there for him & he blew you off. Why would you do it again when you allready have someone? I don't understand that.
Bejita463 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Any advice? Yeah: listen more to actions and less to words. Talk is cheap. LDR guy has already shown you exactly how much you mean to him. If he's truly repentant, he can come to you. Go ahead and put that to him. I bet his action will be to remain right where he is, despite how much his words may say he values you.
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I'm very vulnerable to Sam (FLA guy). It seems that when I start to have feeling (strong) for Charlie (CT guy), Sam calls and tells me how much he loves me and I magnet towards Sam. Charlie, whom I speak to daily and see about 2-3 times a week is a great guy. The sex is incredible and he has the warmest heart. He wants me to meet his son (which I have been dying to do for months), but I told him I couldn't. Charlie and Sam know about each other to a certain extent. Charlie knows more than Sam and he's hanging in there.... Could there be hope for my old hs crush or is he still crushing me???
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Yeah: listen more to actions and less to words. Talk is cheap. LDR guy has already shown you exactly how much you mean to him. If he's truly repentant, he can come to you. Go ahead and put that to him. I bet his action will be to remain right where he is, despite how much his words may say he values you. You are right. Sam will not move to CT because of his kids. So, at best, I will have to move there again or wait 8 years until youngest is off to college. Charlie is starting to become inpatient. He's told me that Sam is using me and that he should give us a try. Whenever we speak of seeing each other, it's me having to see him.
Bejita463 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You are right. Sam will not move to CT because of his kids. So, at best, I will have to move there again or wait 8 years until youngest is off to college. Charlie is starting to become inpatient. He's told me that Sam is using me and that he should give us a try. Whenever we speak of seeing each other, it's me having to see him. Charlie is right.
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Charlie is right. Can the mind do what maybe the heart cannot? Charlie has broken off with me several times in the past 4 months because he feels he is too good to be put on hold. I beg Charlie to take me back and eventually he does. Why am I so torn and why can't I give myself to Charlie? Why does Sam have such a hold on me?
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Bumping.... I could use the help!
Bejita463 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Why does Sam have such a hold on me? We cannot necessarily choose who ends up earning our hearts. We can, however, control how we behave during such times. It is easier to say to think with your head than it is to actually do it in such situations, but no one ever said life was easy. Put simply, he has a hold on you only so much as you allow. Perhaps that is not such a bad thing, but from what you've shared I tend to think that it is. I suspect that you do agree, despite how you feel. It seems as though you already know the answer, but do not want what you suspect to be right. Can you, speaking from the mind rather than the heart, tell me I'm wrong?
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 I can't seem to NOT take his phone calls. Charlie (CT guy) was over my house as we were planning our day together and Sam (FL guy) called. I had to walk out of the house and take the call. Charlie was mad at me and I know it wasn't right.... but why can't I get this guy off of me?
Bejita463 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 but why can't I get this guy off of me? Are you serious? I just answered that a moment ago. (I tried to link a clip to the Zoolander scene I based that response on, but I was unable to find it.)
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Make FLA guy earn you back.. Have him move to CT to be with you.. If he is genuine with his words then he will make the same sacrifice you at one time made for him. That is the only way he will respect you. and don't play the 'ole he has his career or job in FLA and can't leave it.. tough.. if he wants you back then dem's the rules. Respect..
Bejita463 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Make FLA guy earn you back.. Have him move to CT to be with you.. If he is genuine with his words then he will make the same sacrifice you at one time made for him. That is the only way he will respect you. and don't play the 'ole he has his career or job in FLA and can't leave it.. tough.. if he wants you back then dem's the rules. Respect.. He already has the children excuse going for him there. Which, much as I dislike admitting it, I consider to be a valid excuse. This is of course assuming that he stays near them for visitation purposes.
boogieboy Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 If youre not going to give Charlie a chance..( you never will - you dont want to forget about Sam.) then you might as well move back to florida.
phineas Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Actually, Charlie is in a good spot. He gets sex & his competition is a telephone. Win/ Win in his book unless he wants a real relationship. Eventually he'll just move on & she will move to florida & sam will blow her off again I think.
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 He already has the children excuse going for him there. Which, much as I dislike admitting it, I consider to be a valid excuse. This is of course assuming that he stays near them for visitation purposes. I didn't even catch that.. well then negate my previous post as Bejita is right about the children.
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 Actually, Charlie is in a good spot. He gets sex & his competition is a telephone. Win/ Win in his book unless he wants a real relationship. Eventually he'll just move on & she will move to florida & sam will blow her off again I think. I do believe you are correct..... how can I begin to ween my self off of Sam and onto Charlie? Charlie is right for me, but my head/heart are confused by what Sam promises.
Author Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 If you were Charlie... how long would you give me before giving up? I don't want to lose Charlie; I keep telling him that I'm confused, lost and a mess. Charlie keeps telling me that I've trapped myself and I would rather run to the wrong person and be treated badly than run to a good person and be treated well. I guess Charlie is right. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Bullydog1982 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 (edited) If you were Charlie... how long would you give me before giving up? I don't want to lose Charlie; I keep telling him that I'm confused, lost and a mess. Charlie keeps telling me that I've trapped myself and I would rather run to the wrong person and be treated badly than run to a good person and be treated well. I guess Charlie is right. Why do we do this to ourselves? Blue Eyed Brain, I don’t know if you’re going to get a straight answer because none of us are Charlie. I can tell you what I’d do if I was in this position though. Please don’t take this as a personal attack though I may come across at blunt and rude Considering the amount of time I’d have invested and if I knew everything you’d already been through with Sam….yes, I’d let you go and no, I wouldn’t take you back no matter how much you cried or screamed or batted those pretty blue eyes at me (I’m assuming that's you in your avatar, correct?). Perhaps my view is lop sided (I’m divorced as well) but to me you don’t seem to be in a healthy spot to engage and nurture the sort of relationship Charlie is wanting (Or what does Charlie want with you exactly?). You even said so yourself – you’re confused, lost and a mess. If you were at a decent point in your life, you met this fantastic guy that you were highly attracted to (and which he seemed to be the same) but he kept putting you in 2nd place to another women (that’s not even there) who you know treated him like crap, what would you do after a while? I think some of the earlier posters are correct; he does have it made because he’s there, he’s getting sex and his biggest competition is a phone. But as long as the phone was in the picture I could never take you (or us) seriously and eventually, as things progressed I’d lose interest because I’d never actually get what I really wanted with you (100%). OR, someone might come a long that’s everything you are that does want 100% of him and then what do you think he should do, especially if you're still dealing with Sam? It's hard to understand why we’re attracted to these sort people. Like you, I’m going through a long and slow process of understanding why I am attracted to these sort of women. Have you always been drawn to these sort of men, ones that say they want to give you more but actions dictate otherwise while you’re waiting around and trying harder? I’m sorry for the bad grammar. I’m in and out of the office so when I get a chance I’ll edit Go forward, know yourself, be true to yourself, love yourself and enjoy life -Bullydog1982 Edited November 17, 2009 by Bullydog1982
Ruby Slippers Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 What you need to do is obvious: dump Sam, cut him out of your life completely, and don't look back. Embrace Charlie and enjoy it to the fullest.
Bullydog1982 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I do believe you are correct..... how can I begin to ween my self off of Sam and onto Charlie? Charlie is right for me, but my head/heart are confused by what Sam promises. 1. First you make a decision who you really want to be with, either Charlie or Sam....or with neither, being single is another option. 2. Once you've made your decision you tell the one you've chosen (if you decide you want to be with one...or with none) thank you for the memories but you're moving on with your life and provide healthy closure for Charlie/Sam and you. 3. You go NC and strictly enforce it (Caliguy has a great thread on this somewhere). 4. YOU GO NC AND STRICTLY ENFORCE IT. 5. Then you live with your decision, for better or for worse. Sorry if I sound like a jerk, that's not my intention. It's also much eaiser typing this out then actually living it out. DANG, when life get to be so hard and complicated!?!?!?!
phineas Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I do believe you are correct..... how can I begin to ween my self off of Sam and onto Charlie? Charlie is right for me, but my head/heart are confused by what Sam promises. Stop taking his calls would be a start.
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