purplehouse Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Hi, I have posted about my situation before but i am wondering is it common for 2 people to hang out, sleep together, shop together, make plans to go away, cuddle, talk, cook together, walks along the beach, always texting, seeing each other as often as possible to be 'slowly progressing into a relationship'? Or isit more likely that if the guy isn't ready for a full blown relationship he is probably just using her and keeping his options open??? would he really feed her lines like "I wouldn't be doing this if i didn't see it becoming more later on" " i am a very lucky guy to be spending all this time with you" "You are my type of girl and i knew you where when i met you" "I like spending all my time with you" "We can stop anything sexual if you want, i will still want to see you. I don't want you to think that i am just after sex" And if all these things he says are true then why can't he be in a relationship with me yet?? He is over his ex. He was the one that ended it. She was not right for him. So he isn't hurting or anything. I don't get it. If you like someone that much you would want to be with them right??? We liked each other for ages before we started spending time together..... "
sedgwick Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I think it sounds like he likes you a lot! And just because he's over his ex doesn't mean he wants to rush headfirst into another relationship. It's okay to take it slow, it doesn't mean he's not into you -- it seems like he's showing you he is!
tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 He is just not into you....sorry...but enjoy the time with him...just don't expect too much...and I WOULD stop having sex with him since he mentioned it....
kissez Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 If u have had time to do all of that together, I think u should just straight up ask him - hey, why are we not exclusive? and see what he says, because u might as well be. if he doesn't want to, I would def stop talking to him right then and there. then maybe he will change his mind. because that's sure giving a lot of commitment, but to not put a title on it raises a question mark. just ask him!
Midnight Rider Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 I don't get it though, from what he says and how you describe it, it sounds like you ARE in a relationship with him. What exactly more do you want at this point? Don't rush the guy or pressure him, cause then you will risk losing him for good. Are you expecting him to ask you something direct like, "do you want to be in a relationship" or "you wanna be my gf?" Some guys don't do this, so just go with the flow for now. It sounds to me like he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be spending all the time and saying stuff like that.
Author purplehouse Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 thanks for your replies. We have talked about it, basically he 'just can't do it' at this point. (meaning the full on relationship stuff) He and his ex broke up 7 weeks ago.... yeah i know not long. But they were pretty much 'dead' for the last 4 months of their relationship. Not sure if it makes any difference. Anyway as much as i love seeing him, i think i will put an end to it. I do want the relationship. If i continue like this with him it only makes it easier for him to have it all his way. Stinks big time because we are so great together.
kissez Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 No I think u should ask him though!!!!!!! I know a girl (associate) who, after dating a guy for 11 months said "she still didn't know where she stood with him", but she cooked, cleaned, did all these things for him etc. If he is spending that much time with u, trust me u will not scare him off if u simply ask him why u are not exclusive. No way. In my experiences, if a man really wants u - including the man who wanted me at first - they have no problem expressing to the world that u are theirs. They should be proud of u. - Unless they are trying to keep their options open, and the other reasons for not wanting a relationship
kissez Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Oh just saw your response. I think that's a really smart move to put an end to it!!!!! Especially if u leave on a good note like this. Then maybe he will miss u and u can try it again when he is "ready"
tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 thanks for your replies. We have talked about it, basically he 'just can't do it' at this point. (meaning the full on relationship stuff) He and his ex broke up 7 weeks ago.... yeah i know not long. But they were pretty much 'dead' for the last 4 months of their relationship. Not sure if it makes any difference. Anyway as much as i love seeing him, i think i will put an end to it. I do want the relationship. If i continue like this with him it only makes it easier for him to have it all his way. Stinks big time because we are so great together. well...be friends with him...but you are right, if you do continue then he is getting what he wants from you and you are not getting what you want from him...and if that bothers you, then you should stop..... and yes, why don't you just ask him? is that too creepy for guys?
Author purplehouse Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I get so many different views on this situation. Either i am letting myself be strung along hoping it will be more and risk getting hurt, or i should be careful not to pressure him incase i lose him.... i mean i didn't think i needed a 'title' but then if it is just a 'title' then why not?? I am sleeping with him. I am told that was a mistake. Maybe it was because it becomes an emotional thing and makes it harder. But it feels natural and right with him so that is why i do. I don't know........ like i said we liked each other for ages before any of this started.
kissez Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Well I am telling u this from personal experience - a recent one. I'll tell u what happened with us: We knew each other years ago (6), we reconnected. Extremely attracted to each other. He said he wanted me to be his gf. He invited me to go with his friends and him out to diff functions etc. He told me he was proud to say I was his girlfriend etc. Next thing I know (literally), he says we should slow down because it was prob too soon to make such a big commitment. I said yea true. So he said we would keep doing what we did - he spent money on me, slept together etc. Then all of a sudden he didn't want a girlfriend. So I stopped talking to him completely!!! He came back, (after a couple minor blow offs from my part), and we were sleeping together and that's it. I cut that off b/c I felt used. Now, he says he's sorry for the sex misunderstanding, but wants me in his life as a friend than not at all, even without the sex now. And he isn't "boyfriend material". SO...maybe ur guy is different. BUT, I do recommend laying down the lines, because if they see they can have leeway with u, they will do it. I mean obviously I just got screwed over myself. So that's my advice to u. I don't think u are pressuring him at all if u were doing so much together.
polarvoid Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 (edited) This is my first post here and I feel I'm in a similar situation with a woman I've become very close to. Briefly, we got to know each other some years back in the wake of the very messy break-up of my last LTR (she was close to ex's family) and had great times together but lost touch for some years untill meeting-up again by chance a few months back and since then, we have become inseperable. The reason for our losing touch before was because it was getting to the point where I was causing serious problems in her then relationship. In the interim, I'd worked-through and sorted out the various emotional/financial problems from my previous relationship and was living a comfortable, functional but rather boring life, with a few very good friends but nobody serious or any sort of long-term, whilst she had been becoming more and more isolated in an unsatisfactory/untenable 9-year relationship before finally ending it and quitting her home town and moving to mine following the loss of her two closest friends, physical illness (herself and her boy) and a bout of depression that responded well to treatment. We now spend most of our free time together, seem to be investing in the relationship fully and equally, having the time of our lives socially, making long-term plans and functioning on a full couple level over everything practical, incl care of her boy, party hard and long when we can and often spend long nights cuddled-up talking and being very, very close together. But no sex (although I may have been stupid by refusing on a couple of occasions early-on) and no official couple status, although she's not been out with anyone other than me (family holiday excepted) since shortly after we met again . Equally, everyone we know on both sides now consider us a fantastic couple and we are both fully intergrated with our respective families as that too. From the outset, although we were rapidly full-on friends again, she made it clear that she did consider me partner material now we are both free of the baggage of our various past LTRs (and live closer by), is attracted to me and we have talked several times on why we should but can't be together - Her words are generally along the lines of "I love you but I just don't have it here (tapping heart) to sleep with you yet" and "It is my greatest wish that we end-up together" Which is something that is pretty hard for me because yes I do have it for her quite strongly but equally, I do have a lot of care and respect for her position because of her two very difficult and in many ways exploitative past relationships. Any insight on what I should do next? Does this sound like a situation that will develop further, or should I be looking to get myself out of it or just back to a normal friendship - As far as I'm concerned, we crossed that line a long time ago and despite the relationship being incomplete, we are still strong and sound by each other. Another thing that prompts my concern is that since getting back into a life with her and maybe because I've been happier, more sociable and certainly better turned-out, is that I've recently had two other women express some pretty clear and serious interest in me and although it is also my greatest wish to be with her, I'm afraid this could drag-on for a very long time and I've already wasted too many years of my life in a past on-off relationship that ended-up going nowhere. Thanks. Edited November 16, 2009 by polarvoid
harmfulsweetz Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 You are best off leaving it. If he can't offer you what you want and need, then it won't work out. He sounds like he likes you, but wants to be single for a while. 7 weeks isn't long at all, and despite the fact that he may be over it, he may just not want a relationship right now. That doesn't mean you should stick about until he does. Put him on the backburner.
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