virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) I'm a 38 yo guy who is a virgin and never had any physical contact with a woman. I'm not overweight, I'm under 6' (5'8ish) and around 170Lbs. I don't know how to talk to women or realize if they are showing interest in me. I guess I'm not attractive enough where girls just would come up to me in the street and ask for for dates. I had some girls start conversations with me but it went nowhere. I never really had friends either (guy or girl). I'm very depressed and lonely, and my self confidence is tantaomount to that of used toilet paper. Walking up to a strange woman and talking to her always seemed creepy and unnatural to me. I can't imagine doing it, and I also think its futile because they will probably think I'm a creep anyway. It has affected my career and and I have severe anxiety now. I may even be a candidate for disability (and then my chances with women would plummet to zero). I can barely face people (I forced myself into college teaching, but can't do it anymore), and I had other professional jobs. I don't even care for myself anymore, I recently started drinking hard liquor, I never drank in my life. I had a plethora of therapy and nothing helps. I may have something called "Aspergers Syndrome" or High Functional Autism. Other family members have it but obviously they were able to meet women. I almost feel like if talked to a women now it would insult her, she would think to herself "why would that guy want to date me, I'm probably horrible." I lived my entire life so far in the absense of any human touch. No one could relate to me, and I wish every day I wasn't born. Edited November 13, 2009 by virgin
Ms. Joolie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I lived my entire life so far in the absense of any human touch. No one could relate to me, and I wish every day I wasn't born. So why do you do this to yourself?
Thornton Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 It certainly sounds like you might have Asperger's. Perhaps you might feel more comfortable with online dating, so you can email and get comfortable with a woman before you meet her? You could also try dating sites for people with Asperger's, like http://www.aspieaffection.com People on such sites will understand how you feel and it might make dating a bit easier when the person knows what you're like in advance. Asperger's doesn't make you drink or neglect yourself though... that sounds like depression. Get yourself down to the doctor, get it sorted, stop drinking and try to get back to work... your current situation is only going to make you less attractive to women if it continues.
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 So why do you do this to yourself? How am I doing this to myself? If I was able to fix this problem I wouldn't be in this morass.
Thornton Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 You sound very depressed... maybe it's time you acknowledged that you can't fix this by yourself, and got some professional help (it's nothing to be ashamed of... in the past I've suffered from depression and received treatment for it). You can't be a good partner for someone else till you sort out your problems. You also need to get an official diagnosis of Asperger's if you think you have it, and start working on your issues. When you're feeling a bit better, you need to start rebuilding your life and trying to get to know women as friends, to build confidence. I also stand by what I said before about online dating - it might give you a boost if you see that people are looking at your dating profile. Maybe you could join an Asperger's support group and meet people who would understand your issues?
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 You sound very depressed... maybe it's time you acknowledged that you can't fix this by yourself, and got some professional help (it's nothing to be ashamed of... in the past I've suffered from depression and received treatment for it). You can't be a good partner for someone else till you sort out your problems. You also need to get an official diagnosis of Asperger's if you think you have it, and start working on your issues. When you're feeling a bit better, you need to start rebuilding your life and trying to get to know women as friends, to build confidence. I also stand by what I said before about online dating - it might give you a boost if you see that people are looking at your dating profile. Maybe you could join an Asperger's support group and meet people who would understand your issues? I didn't really have luck with online dating for some reason. When I'm honest with women they bail. I went for depression but I would rather not take meds and they shrinks told me it probably wouldn't help me anyway. Even if I don't have depression, I live in an aura of misery and lonliness. People don't want to associate with someone like me. 1
boogieboy Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Online dating isnt going to work for him either. You could try it, but youre limiting yourself when youre 5'9" and 170lbs. When youre that chubby, you have to have the gift of gab, but at least you were trying. You will only be comfortable approaching women when you have something ready to say. So to understand how to talk to women, look up the magic bullets handbook. Once you realize how to do it somewhat correctly, you will gain your confidence fast, and your anxiety will go away.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 How am I doing this to myself? If I was able to fix this problem I wouldn't be in this morass. To me, the reader, it just seems like a problem that got worse and worse. As if you could identify the problem perhaps you can see the solution better. ...I am very sorry that you are suffering through this. I think it's important that when we are suffering with something, we reach out and get help, as much help as we can. So, yes, even something as small as Love Shack is helpful. Do you know when or how you think this feeling of "aloneness" all started?
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I'm a 38 yo guy who is a virgin and never had any physical contact with a woman. I'm not overweight, I'm under 6' (5'8ish) and around 170Lbs. I don't know how to talk to women or realize if they are showing interest in me. I guess I'm not attractive enough where girls just would come up to me in the street and ask for for dates. I had some girls start conversations with me but it went nowhere. I never really had friends either (guy or girl). I'm very depressed and lonely, and my self confidence is tantaomount to that of used toilet paper. Walking up to a strange woman and talking to her always seemed creepy and unnatural to me. I can't imagine doing it, and I also think its futile because they will probably think I'm a creep anyway. It has affected my career and and I have severe anxiety now. I may even be a candidate for disability (and then my chances with women would plummet to zero). I can barely face people (I forced myself into college teaching, but can't do it anymore), and I had other professional jobs. I don't even care for myself anymore, I recently started drinking hard liquor, I never drank in my life. I had a plethora of therapy and nothing helps. I may have something called "Aspergers Syndrome" or High Functional Autism. Other family members have it but obviously they were able to meet women. I almost feel like if talked to a women now it would insult her, she would think to herself "why would that guy want to date me, I'm probably horrible." I lived my entire life so far in the absense of any human touch. No one could relate to me, and I wish every day I wasn't born. You made it into college teaching? You're a professor? Awesome! You must be pretty intelligent to get into that. Many people would love to be a college instructor if they could - you've got a talent for explaining things, it seems. As far as being a virgin? Work on yourself. What is it that stops you from meeting and getting involved with women? You say you're about 5'8" and 170lbs - doesn't sound too bad. You're 38 - well, if your willing to take advice from a younger man, I'll share it... Be confident. Love and take care of yourself so that you can love and take care of someone else. As far as high functional autism? I don't know about it - perhaps talking with a learning counselor could help. Keep your chin up.
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Why are you depressed? Because I'm so lonely and isolated. I overcame depression for this in my 20s but I see its hopeless now. 1
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Because I'm so lonely and isolated. I overcame depression for this in my 20s but I see its hopeless now. Don't look inward. Look outward. The world is an amazing place - find something amazing and go for it. Being a college instructor, as you state, I bet you could find something mysterious and unearthly to share with others!
cutieh Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Because I'm so lonely and isolated. I overcame depression for this in my 20s but I see its hopeless now. I think I know what you mean
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 You made it into college teaching? You're a professor? Awesome! You must be pretty intelligent to get into that. Many people would love to be a college instructor if they could - you've got a talent for explaining things, it seems. As far as being a virgin? Work on yourself. What is it that stops you from meeting and getting involved with women? You say you're about 5'8" and 170lbs - doesn't sound too bad. You're 38 - well, if your willing to take advice from a younger man, I'll share it... Be confident. Love and take care of yourself so that you can love and take care of someone else. As far as high functional autism? I don't know about it - perhaps talking with a learning counselor could help. Keep your chin up. I taught a plethora of subjects in college for many years. Ironically students thought I was cute, but I think they were being facetious. I have some arcane talents, for example I could fix almost anything on car or do home repairs. The few dates I went on I probably bored women to death, I don't have the hobbies men my age have like spectator sports or drinking beer with the guys (these men seem to get all the ladies). There are also complex issues with my upbringing, a borderline paraniod overprotecting mother and a mentally cruel (autistic?) father who had no feelings.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Because I'm so lonely and isolated. I overcame depression for this in my 20s but I see its hopeless now. It's never hopeless! The best thing you can do is talk about it now. Talk about it, get new insights... and then perhaps a new direction. Even if you are clinically diagnosed with something, it doesn't have to control YOU. Think of people diagnosed with cancer.... what do they do? They fight it, and they become heroes. Whatever you are going through, whatever challenges, whatever sufferings, you can always come out the hero.
jw90063 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Online dating isnt going to work for him either. You could try it, but youre limiting yourself when youre 5'9" and 170lbs. When youre that chubby, you have to have the gift of gab, but at least you were trying. Why not just punch him in the face. Would be less painful
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 It's never hopeless! The best thing you can do is talk about it now. Talk about it, get new insights... and then perhaps a new direction. Even if you are clinically diagnosed with something, it doesn't have to control YOU. Think of people diagnosed with cancer.... what do they do? They fight it, and they become heroes. Whatever you are going through, whatever challenges, whatever sufferings, you can always come out the hero. Solving my depression is like buying new tires when you have a broken ball joint. Your tires will last for a few months, but the wear will come back with avengence. There is no real hope for my problem, and few if any women would want to take a chance with someone like me. I find women to be very picky and selective. 1
boogieboy Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Why not just punch him in the face. Would be less painful Doesnt matter, hes not reading it anyways.
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Doesnt matter, hes not reading it anyways. BTW, I'm far from chubby looking.
sumdude Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I taught a plethora of subjects in college for many years. Ironically students thought I was cute, but I think they were being facetious. Now we're getting somewhere. Students thought you were cue, they told you or let you know in some way. Yet you didn't believe them, you chose not to believe them out of habit. Learned response from the past where someone told you you weren't good. This is a self esteem issue. From now on if someone gives you a compliment assume they mean it. Most people don't go out of their way to compliment someone for no good reason.
jw90063 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Doesnt matter, hes not reading it anyways. I mean heck, he already feels like crap, and AT least he doesn't think of himself as chubby, which is good. That can kill your self esteem.
boogieboy Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I mean heck, he already feels like crap, and AT least he doesn't think of himself as chubby, which is good. That can kill your self esteem. Ture dat, now he just has to read the rest of my post, he will fix his life. He just doesnt realise it yet.
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I have some arcane talents, for example I could fix almost anything on car or do home repairs. The few dates I went on I probably bored women to death, I don't have the hobbies men my age have like spectator sports or drinking beer with the guys (these men seem to get all the ladies). There are also complex issues with my upbringing, a borderline paraniod overprotecting mother and a mentally cruel (autistic?) father who had no feelings. You're a college instructor who is ALSO good with his hands! That is amazing!! You are a perfect mix of abstract and analytical thinking and hands on doing! You're the man. You sir are a one man shop. As far as spectator sports are concered, its not rocket science. I do not know where you are or are from, but if you are in the U.S. you attended or work for a college - that's a huge hub for college sports, football, basketball, baseball etc. Talk to your colleagues. Excuse your newness and ask them to explain college sports to you. Pick a sport. Go forth, learn and enoy!
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I mean heck, he already feels like crap, and AT least he doesn't think of himself as chubby, which is good. That can kill your self esteem. He ain't chubby. I'm chubby! I'm way shorter and much heavier.
Author virgin Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Now we're getting somewhere. Students thought you were cue, they told you or let you know in some way. Yet you didn't believe them, you chose not to believe them out of habit. Learned response from the past where someone told you you weren't good. This is a self esteem issue. From now on if someone gives you a compliment assume they mean it. Most people don't go out of their way to compliment someone for no good reason. The only hug I ever got in my life was from some 20 yo girl 2 years ago who said I was the best teacher she ever had(she knew I was leaving the school). She asked me if I'm single and I said why is it your business? I went home and realized that I said said something really stupid. I always think over and over again if she may have been interested in me.
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