sophie_s Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 hi there! I once again would like to seek advice at this wonderful forum... I hope I am not overanalyzing, I met a guy a month ago in a bar and we ended up in bed the same night. Basically it was all intended as an one-night-stand, because I broke up with my ex (we were together for 6 years) only 3 months ago, and wanted to have some fun again after grieving the last weeks. I have to say, that I am usually not the one-night-only type of person and since the guy was really nice and the sex was quite good (basically, bad sex was the reason for breaking up with my ex, so that was really what i was looking for that night) I agreed to see the guy again. I guess he fell in love with me quite quick, although he doesnt talk about it, but basically he wants to see me all the time and acts very "in-love". The strongest connect between us - for me at least - is on a sexual basis, honestly i never ever had such good sex before with any other man and after staying 6 years in a relationship which was otherwise very good except for the sexual problems, I really enjoy seeing him now, so basically in the four weeks we saw each other every other day... which is probably not exactly the definition of a casual sex relationship as i intended it to be. Especially because I was ill the last days and he always came by to cheer me up, which is - I guess - rather a relationship thing to do... so i have the feeling, although we never talked about us so far, that i am slowly getting into more of a relationship thing than a sex thing and I am not really sure what to think about it, since i have following concerns: 1) he is 21 and i am 26, i am used to generally date older man, and i do feel the difference in maturity already - for now i find it cute, but i guess this could evolve into some more serious troubles... ok thats probably not the something i couldnt live with.... but... ...2) although i never felt such trust and closeness to another man in such short time, although mainly on a physical level, on the intellectual level the connection is not very strong yet, on the contrary, we have in a lot of aspects such as politics, drug use, how we want to live life.... very opposite opinions... generally i always thought, that if the intellectual level doesn't match for me, i cannot date a guy, but in this case our emotional and physical closeness is so strong, that for the moment this doesnt bother me... 3) I didn't want to get into a relationship so soon, acutally i planned on staying at least for some more months single, since i basically spend the last 8 years in relationships, with a only 2 month break in between the 2 relationships... so this is going a little too fast for me, especially in combination with 1) and 2) But then, except for these thoughts, I feel like I am almost? in love, I want to see him all the time and really, really enjoy the time we spend together. Whenever he is not there i really miss him, but looking analyticaly at it, it seems a little insane of me to let myself get so involved into this situation.... But my main question is, especially since he is a very sensible soul, that has been hurt before, and he is really treating me very good - do I have to tell him about my concerns, or do I keep them to myself and just see how things evolve. I just dont want to be deceptive and make him hopes which i am not sure i can live up to by acting like we are in a relationship and seeing him so often... well, also obviously because i am having mixed feelings... As said before, i hope i dont overanalyze it too early but it's really occupying my thoughts in the last days! Thanks for reading! I would be glad to hear your opinions... Greetings, Sophie
Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I am a believer that honest communication is almost always a good thing. If you want to open up and express your concerns to him, do so, calmly and respectfully. You are in the dizzy haze of infatuation right now (great sex is powerful in this way) -- only with time will you know whether you two have staying power. Enjoy the ride, and keep your own life going strong so you'll be fine come what may.
Ody Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Thanks for reading! I would be glad to hear your opinions... Greetings, Sophie When I was 26 I had just ended a period of my life where I had mostly been in very long term relationships and noticed it's very easy to fall back into those familiar habits of a committed relationship with someone whom you're physically comfortable with but not really committed to. Maybe it's not a perfect development, but it is healthier than some other ways of dealing with breakups, and well there's rarely a good reason to turn down great sex like you describe. Perhaps you have a similar situation to mine. I do think you're overanalyzing a bit. Try to relax and not get caught up too much with how things "should be". Aside from some very basic considerations, like abuse concerns, health concerns, etc, there is no "should be" in dating. I would stay with this guy for a while, just be sure to be open and honest if you are seeing other people and he asks about it. Likewise if you are concerned about this with him you should ask. I wouldn't recommend monogamy with this guy though, because then you are basically committing to him (given everything else you describe) and you already know you are not compatible on some basic things like politics and drug use. If you want monogamy - well you should probably break it off with this guy (maybe get some more good sex first) and look for someone you're really compatible with. That drug use thing will get old or unhealthy for you in a few months if you're not into drugs and he is (or if you are into them, and he's raining on your parade).
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