Boundary Problem Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Have a controlling SO? What were their behaviours and how did you fix the problem?
Krytie TV Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Setting rules and boundaries for the sake of doing it or because it's what "they" want. It's fixed by leaving. Very little else can usually be done.
Barby Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 My exSO was very controlling...he didn't want me having friends...he wanted to know where i was at all times. He wanted me to spend time with his family only and not mine, he didn't want me out looking for a job, but yet he expected me to get one. He wanted me to be by his side even if he was just laying in bed not speaking, watching tv, ect. If not he swore I was watching tv in the living room because I "wanted" his brother in law. He would swear my eyes would change, unlike the other "sister in laws" in the family. He got mad when I came home to my family's home to do laundry though he didn't have money to do it at the laundro-mat. He wanted me to wait to eat when he was eating...sex was always and only when and how he wanted it. When he smoked a ciggeratte he got annoyed if I didn't want one at the moment. I could go on and on but I'm sure you got the picture. What do I do about it? I pointed out all the issues I was having with these behaviors, how they made me feel worthless, lonely, unwanted, ect. I tried to get him to see how they were emotionally hurting me. He realizes that he does them but fails to see why they are a problem. To him it's "normal". I left, went back when he said he'd change....left again when he resumed his normal controlling behavior, and went back because I missed him regardless of his controlling ways we have 7 years together (4 seperated by distance but back 2gether physically for a few months now). And finally went back again, only to stay 2 days and he was being kind, not acting in these ways, trying to please me...but I realized I'm just not happy...though I miss him I don't think he'll ever change completely and we've "gotten used to each other" more than we're "in love":confused: So right now I'm in limbo...I miss him, I'm with my family currently, I know the best thing to do is move on..he won't change, I'm not happy, what's left....only the fact that I can't seem to let go. So what have I really done? Nothing but stay in emotional limbo.... Sorry for the lengthy reply this subject just really hit home!
littlebittle Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) my best friend is in a relationship with a really controlling guy. he is jealous of everyone else in her life. he gets mad when she calls her parents and asks them for advice or input about things, because he thinks that she should only be looking to him for that kind of thing. he wants to be around her at all times. when she does make plans with other people, it always starts an argument, because he says they don't spend enough time together (they live together and see each other for hours everyday). he doesn't get along with anyone in her life, and on the rare occasion that he accompanies her to social functions, he doesn't speak to anyone but her. for about 6 months, he tried to convince her to end our friendship, because he was so jealous that we were hanging out once a week. i'm basically her only friend at this point, and i think he finally realized that she wasn't going to give me up. but every time we hang out now, she's late because he always starts an argument with her about me right before she's about to come and meet me. they've been dating for over a year. he started out nice enough, but things have slowly gotten worse and worse. my friend isn't a doormat or anything, but i think she doesn't have enough relationship experience or insight to see how unhealthy this is. she is really starting to see now, but not enough to just cut this guy out for good. she is trying to break up with him now. i don't think that they were particularly compatible to begin with, but his controlling behavior has really put the kibosh on any romantic feelings she had for him. she has tried to break up with him about 3 times now, but every time she does, he tells her that she's not making any sense. then he guilts her into staying with him. it's a really vicious cycle. she is moving to another city next month, and unfortunately, i think that's gonna be her ticket out of the relationship. i'm pretty unhappy about the whole thing. it's sad and frustrating to watch. Edited November 13, 2009 by littlebittle
EricaH329 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 About 5 years ago I was in my first serious relationship. We ended up moving in together, and that's when his need to control me started. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends. I remember one time specifically I asked him if I could stay at my best friends house because it was her birthday and she was having everyone stay over. He argued with me about it until I finally went. About an hour after being there, he drove 30 minutes to her house and told me that if I didn't leave with him he was going to come in and drag me out of the house. I also wasn't able to see my family without him. He thought that me and my step dad were sleeping together because he saw us hug one time. He also thought that me and my uncle were sleeping together because he took me out to show me around town one time. Needless to say, that relationship eventually turned into being physically abusive. Whenever I would do something that he didn't like, he would either hit me, throw something at me, or choke me. As far as 'how did you fix it' goes, there is no fixing it. I am extremely lucky that I got out of that relationship alive, and i've learned a GREAT deal from that.
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Have a controlling SO? What were their behaviours and how did you fix the problem? Women say men are controlling, jealous etc. Move very slowly in the relationship - no need to jump into anything. I say give the other person the ultimate freedom to do what they need or want, however they want, whenever they want and with whomever they want that freedom extends to yourself as well. When her (or another woman's) actions show that she only wants to be with you, you just might have someone ready for commitment Edited November 13, 2009 by You'reasian
Recommended Posts