cutieh Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 What are the first signs you should look for that a guy is abusive? So when you date him you would know not to because he is this way.
betamanlet Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 What are the first signs you should look for that a guy is abusive? So when you date him you would know not to because he is this way. He's popular with zero self esteem ladies.
lostsoulmate Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Watch how he treats his mother, and how his father treats his mother. If it seems to good to be true... then it probably is. If you are even thinking this... it is time to run.
Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 They generally try to rush you into a relationship.
Krytie TV Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Punches you in the face for asking too many silly questions.
betamanlet Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 They generally try to rush you into a relationship. Yeah, I know a chick who got engaged to some guy after 2-3 months of dating, married within 6 months. And yup, he's abusive, but only mentally.
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I have always found this helpful: The Power and Control Wheel of Domestic Violence http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PhyVio.pdf The Equality Wheel of NON Violence http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/NonVio.pdf
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Yeah, I know a chick who got engaged to some guy after 2-3 months of dating, married within 6 months. And yup, he's abusive, but only mentally. That is a pretty generalized statement.. I know of people that got married after only knowing each other for a few weeks and have been married over 40 years and neither are abusive to one another. You certainly cannot tell if a person, male or female will be abusive and commit domestic violence just because they rush a relationship in the beginning with someone.
Sharon1961 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 You certainly cannot tell if a person, male or female will be abusive and commit domestic violence just because they rush a relationship in the beginning with someone. Rushing a relationship is not always because someone is abusive. But someone who is abusive generally does rush the relationship. IMO
TheLoneSock Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Pay attention to how he treats the waitress. That's always a golden rule of thumb.
betamanlet Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Pay attention to how he treats the waitress. That's always a golden rule of thumb. Does that apply to women as well? I've seen some women be incredibly nasty to waitresses. And My ex treated waitresses very well, tipped 50% and she treated me horribly.
Vertex Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I'd say the way they deal with their parents (namely, how they interact with the parent of opposite sex) is probably a pretty good heuristic.
boogieboy Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 She always starts threads and never replies to them, then starts another thread.
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I'd say the way they deal with their parents (namely, how they interact with the parent of opposite sex) is probably a pretty good heuristic. I agree with this.
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 She always starts threads and never replies to them, then starts another thread. Maybe she doesn't like the responses she's getting?
TheLoneSock Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Does that apply to women as well? I've seen some women be incredibly nasty to waitresses. And My ex treated waitresses very well, tipped 50% and she treated me horribly. Sure. Any time you can observe how a person treats another person that is doing them a service, or you can see how they treat someone when there is no one around - it's a great way to see what their character is really like.
Vertex Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Sure. Any time you can observe how a person treats another person that is doing them a service, or you can see how they treat someone when there is no one around - it's a great way to see what their character is really like. I'd agree with this but only to a certain extent. I wouldn't say someone who is nice to a waiter/waitress is necessarily going to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend, but someone who is needlessly rude is probably not someone to get involved with.
carhill Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Does that apply to women as well? I've seen some women be incredibly nasty to waitresses. It would be a dealbreaker for me. Take a woman out on a date and she coldcocks the waitstaff and I'm outta there IME, men tend to align themselves with like-minded individuals. Birds of a feather. Look around at his male friends.
VeveCakes Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Did you get a red flag moment in your head? That is usually right, trust your instinct. I ignored many and took a year of major abusive crap. If you want to give some examples we can help ya out.
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Sure. Any time you can observe how a person treats another person that is doing them a service, or you can see how they treat someone when there is no one around - it's a great way to see what their character is really like. That really doesn't always apply to DV abusers... An abuser will most likely look like a charming nice person while out in public but at home they put on the power and control. Abusers abuse is more about power and control over a person they love or care about rather than controlling a waitress. I think someone who is controlling you might be able to watch their public behavior to get an idea of who they are but an abuser is a whole different animal. I married an abuser in my first marriage and can tell you that she treated others around her well but it was me that she would close fist punched in the face or kick me in the shins or throw full drink cans at.. etc etc etc...
TheLoneSock Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I'd agree with this but only to a certain extent. I wouldn't say someone who is nice to a waiter/waitress is necessarily going to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend, but someone who is needlessly rude is probably not someone to get involved with. Well yeah. My point was more that it can be a good guage of character - being a good partner on the other hand can be entirely different. beta has said he's been with a girl who treated waitresses better than him. If a person is abusive by nature - not just in relationships - I'd think it would come out in the way they treat people in service oriented jobs, then again sometimes it doesn't. In my experience the correlation has been true, people that who are nice to waitresses, vallet parking people, shoe shiners at the airports, ect. have been generally good people. I know that if I went on a date with a girl who treated our server like ****, it would be the last time I went out with her lol.
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 It would be a dealbreaker for me. Take a woman out on a date and she coldcocks the waitstaff and I'm outta there .......
TheLoneSock Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 That really doesn't always apply to DV abusers... An abuser will most likely look like a charming nice person while out in public but at home they put on the power and control. Abusers abuse is more about power and control over a person they love or care about rather than controlling a waitress. I think someone who is controlling you might be able to watch their public behavior to get an idea of who they are but an abuser is a whole different animal. I married an abuser in my first marriage and can tell you that she treated others around her well but it was me that she would close fist punched in the face or kick me in the shins or throw full drink cans at.. etc etc etc... Of course, there are many types of abusers, many types of abuse, and many different scenarios. It's still a good general guage as to what kind of person they are to an extent. It just happens to be something I use as a golden rule.
DanielMadr Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Slow down cutieh. You are posting like a Shakespeare. So many questions....I'm worried about you. Take a deep breath, do some jumping jacks, take some fresh air. Don't think so much, don't be a fool . btw when a guy is dressed in orange overalls, there is a good chance he might be the violent type.
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