Khabarak Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 So... Here's my story: Tonight I went to a campus activity -- it was "Skate Night" and a local ice park let all the students in for free. A while after I got there, I spotted a girl I wanted to talk to... I'm writing here because in about an hour and a half's time I never managed to say anything. She would skate alone and I'd just about get up the nerve to say something when she'd stop and chat with the two friends she was with... that was enough to stop me in my tracks. All I needed to get out was a simple "Hi, what's your name?" and I would've been happy, but I couldn't even manage to say those words. About the time I finally decided I was just going to do it, I managed to lose track of her... I saw her go towards the exit of the rink, I exited, and never saw her again. Now, it sucks that I missed my chance with this girl. She was attractive to me which is, unfortunately, fairly rare, but the real problem is that this isn't even close to the first time a situation like this has arisen in my life. The worst part is that I don't care if I get rejected, honestly. I can think this through logically and see no reason why I shouldn't say hello. Most people like to be talked to, so what if I get rejected, there are more girls, saying hello and asking someone's name really isn't intrusive... Something illogical stops me. My mouth just won't open; it is going to drive me insane! If it makes any sense, I'm not afraid but I am at the same time. My brain tells me there is no reason not to do this, but another part of it says "NOOOO!! DON'T DO IT!!" Unfortunately, the negative half usually wins and I can't figure out how to reverse the situation. I get tons of support from everyone I know. Lots of people tell me I'm good looking. In fact, recently I received a voicemail message from a friend telling me how all the girls at work were talking about how "hot" I am. Everybody I know seems to think I'm some kind of genius, and they don't hesitate to tell me how smart I am -- even my college professors hold me in high esteem. My sister tells me girls are constantly looking at me (I catch them sometimes, but not as often as she seems to say). Somehow my mind just refuses to believe this nice stuff that people say.... I've no doubt that I'm not the only one suffering from these symptoms. For that reason, I'm writing here on LoveShack.org. I'm hoping that someone has found some ways to help themselves get over this kind of thing. Thanks in advance for any advice that you can offer. P.S.: Please don't simply tell me that I need to be more confident. Confidence is very much the issue, but I can't just be more confident. I need some advice on how to become more confident.
Yukikazi Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 P.S.: Please don't simply tell me that I need to be more confident. Confidence is very much the issue, but I can't just be more confident. I need some advice on how to become more confident. What would you like us to tell you then? if you don't have the balls to go say something.. nothing we say will help.
Author Khabarak Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 What would you like us to tell you then? if you don't have the balls to go say something.. nothing we say will help. What made you feel the need to write this... Maybe nothing you can say will help directly, but I'm asking for advice, not an instant fix. People who aren't confident don't just magically become confident. Something has to change in your mind. As I said, I'm not expecting any magical advice that will instantly change my confidence level; I'm looking for something I can do to hopefully, over time, become more confident. There are tons of books out there about gaining confidence. I sincerely doubt that a single one of them simply offers "be more confident" as their sole piece of advice.
hollaballoo Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 All I can say, and I hope it at least gives you ideas, is to try to trick yourself. I get very nervous around guys I have crushes on and I just have to take a second and tell myself that it's just another human, or try to treat them as I'd treat a guy I didn't have a crush on. It may sound obvious, but since coming on too strong is usually a very bad start, it would probably help if, when you decide to approach a girl, instead of just telling yourself to be calm, just tell yourself she's just some random girl that you could care less about. It doesn't help your confidence immediately, but I think if you can trick yourself in some way like that, and then successfully approach and converse with a girl, afterwards you will be proud of yourself and that will boost your confidence a bit. But maybe go buy one of those books, none of us here are psychologists and we're all just guessing.
Author Khabarak Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks for your advice hollaballo. I'll certainly try what you've suggested. To be honest, I have a book but it seems that I never have a chance to read it either due to a complete lack of time or just because I can't bring myself to read anymore on top of what I have to read or write for school. I understand most (or maybe all) of the people posting on this forum aren't psychologists, I'm just looking for some quick tips some of you might have discovered on your own... you know, stuff that doesn't require me to read a 150 - 200 page long book (or books). Thanks again, I really do appreciate your response.
torranceshipman Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Sounds like lots of girls find you hot so you're immediately 50% of the way ahead than most guys, lol! I'd keep it really simple...start with a smile, and see what you get back - see if there's a bit of interest that way, then if there is, you might feel more confident saying hi, as you know she has some interest already...
627 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I used to be like you, but now I'm improving, for me this is what worked: 1) to be confident you must not care what anyone thinks about you. you simply should not care. you know yourself, you know that whoever is going to date you will like you, so if they reject you that is their loss not yours. you probably wouldn't have liked her if you got to know her anyway 2) when a woman rejects you, don't take it personnaly or as if it is the end of the word. she doesn't know you, she rejected you because of your approach or because she has a boyfriend or for many many reasons that are unrelated to you and who you are, so it is not a big deal, and you must not think of it as a big deal or as your fault, because it probably is not 3) be yourself, and if they don't like it it's their problem, you don't need to go to extremes to impress and act as if you are perfect to impress people that are far from perfect themselves. that's all the tips I can think of now
espec10001 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Don't take yourself so seriously. Just do things little by little, like a smile to a girl here and there, then maybe a hello. You don't have to go full on conversation yet, but take baby steps. I know it's hard, but 99% of the time the guy has to approach and risk rejection. Girls aren't going to come up to you the majority of the time, they will give you signals to "invite" you and try their best to give you the "green light" so to speak. But alas, as a guy all it takes is one wrong word or one wrong move and you'll blow it, so just take it slow. You DO have confidence in you, you just haven't discovered it yet, guys tend to get more confident with age and experience. So don't get so down on yourself. I'm sure you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you to meet a nice girl.
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