aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Well I love my boyfriend, but there is one thing that really bothers me about him. He seems to have a temper, a quick temper. It's starting to remind me of how my ex was, although he was bipolar. He would be nice and if I said one thing that bothered him he'd go off on me all of a sudden. Basically that in itself tore down my self esteem which I worked hard to build back up (and am still working to get it where it used to be), so I'm not looking to backtrack. But my boyfriend is a great guy, treats me well overall, but I'm not sure if I can deal with this whole temper thing. It's like he gets all snappy, and I mean worse than when I'm PMSing. I love him, but I'm not sure if it will work if he keeps this up. Then another thing. Today while we were on the phone he mentioned how he didn't really care about when his nephews or neices were born. Now I don't want kids but I was overjoyed when my little nephew was born. So for some reason that rubbed me the wrong way, although I don't know why since having kids is not on my lifetime to-do list. I want to talk to him about his behaviour and see if he's willing to work on it, but even then I'm not sure if that will help since he'll probably just revert back to his old ways eventually. Then I'm thinking of just ignoring him for awhile until he gets the point since at this point I don't even want to talk to him. I'm lost I guess, so I don't know what to do. I love him, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.
Boundary Problem Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Is this the same guy who was too unemotional a week ago?
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Is this the same guy who was too unemotional a week ago? Yep, I'm starting to notice more of these serious flaws alot quicker I think because I lived in "fairytale land" with my ex for almost half a year and then when things ended suddenly with him for some reason I became more aware of guys' mistakes because I became dead set on not wasting large amounts of time on a guy anymore.
D-Lish Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I've dealt with guys who are quick tempered- and I have learned to walk away at the first sign. It's always indicative of something worse to come. The last guy I dated was awesome for about a month, then he had a night where he got unrealistically jealous over something silly- I ended it the next day. What you are seeing in this guy are some red flags that you need to pay attention to. If it's a problem so early on- it doesn't get better, only worse over the course of time. Pay attention to your instincts- they flare up for a reason.
Enema Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 You can't change a person, I'd suggest not even trying. I didn't care about the births, nor do I now know the birthdays / ages of my nieces and nephews. Don't even know their middle names. Though, I have 9 of them. Nothing wrong with not caring about kids.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 I've dealt with guys who are quick tempered- and I have learned to walk away at the first sign. It's always indicative of something worse to come. The last guy I dated was awesome for about a month, then he had a night where he got unrealistically jealous over something silly- I ended it the next day. What you are seeing in this guy are some red flags that you need to pay attention to. If it's a problem so early on- it doesn't get better, only worse over the course of time. Pay attention to your instincts- they flare up for a reason. Thanks D-Lish I guess I'll end things with him this weekend or tomorrow.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 You can't change a person, I'd suggest not even trying. I didn't care about the births, nor do I now know the birthdays / ages of my nieces and nephews. Don't even know their middle names. Though, I have 9 of them. Nothing wrong with not caring about kids. Enema that in itself didn't bother me. It was that mixed with his "I don't need anyone to be happy (friends or family)" attitude ON TOP of his temper problem that rubbed me the wrong way. I know some people don't care about kids. I personally don't care to take care of them myself, but something inside of me says to keep trying with him since I don't like to give up easily. Because who knows, maybe he's just pushing away because he's afraid of getting hurt again and is somewhat jaded. But the other part of me is saying "yeah this probably won't work, time to move on."
dreamergrl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 While I don't believe that it's like this for all men who date girls early in their adulthood, I think there's a percentage for older men (30+ or so) to go for young girls because they want control. They find it easy to manipulate and treat like crap because the girl has less experience. I've known a few guys (exes and non exes) that are in their late 20s to late 30s, and they can't keep someone their age for the life of them because most girls their age have enough experience to draw the line. Instead they have young (18-21 yr old) girlfriends who hang on their every word, and believe them when they say they will stop treating them like crap, each and everytime. Not saying you are young and naive, OP, I think it's good you're seeing the signs of this now and are willing to draw the line.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 While I don't believe that it's like this for all men who date girls early in their adulthood, I think there's a percentage for older men (30+ or so) to go for young girls because they want control. They find it easy to manipulate and treat like crap because the girl has less experience. I've known a few guys (exes and non exes) that are in their late 20s to late 30s, and they can't keep someone their age for the life of them because most girls their age have enough experience to draw the line. Instead they have young (18-21 yr old) girlfriends who hang on their every word, and believe them when they say they will stop treating them like crap, each and everytime. Not saying you are young and naive, OP, I think it's good you're seeing the signs of this now and are willing to draw the line. Yeah dreamergrl I've dealt with a guy like that before already. He was in his late 20s and super possessive which was 1) a huge turn off and 2) a big red flag which led to me cutting him out of my life for good. The thing is I already told him that I didn't like being snapped at and it's starting to seem like that went in one ear and out the other. Well I'm young, pretty, and smart. I know I can get a nice guy who won't snap at me constantly. The thing is I love him though, so breaking up with him will suck. But I guess it's better to do so now instead of waiting till I invest more time and energy into him emotionally.
redhighheels Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Can you give some examples of his snappy behavior? I'm curious.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Can you give some examples of his snappy behavior? I'm curious. Example 1 happened about two and a half weeks ago when he was sick, so I let that slide. We were on the phone and I was telling him how much I missed him and how I hoped he'd get better. Well I was out with my friends who were being loud in the background and so all of a sudden he was like "I can't hear you! I'll call you later" and he hung up. He then apologized later saying he was irritable cause he was sick, but I let that slide because to me that was understandable. Example 2 happened last weekend. We were out one night looking for the street to get off the highway and go to this movie theater. We could see the movie theater from the highway, but not the exit to get to it. So after riding down the highway for the 3rd time I jokingly said "yeah I don't see the magical exit to the highway" and he snapped at me and told me to stop being so damn sarcastic. That ticked me off a bit and led to me not talking to him for most of the night. Example 3 happened tonight. We were on the phone and he was on his way to work. He was telling me about how his Playstation had broke or something and I was just saying "hmm, I see" as I usually do. Apparently I was being sarcastic again (which I wasn't) and he snapped at me again. This time he was like "stop being so damn sarcastic" and I was like "huh?" So then he was like "you know what I mean, saying "hmm, I see" everytime I say something." Edit: The thing is though, he can be super sarcastic with me and joke around with me and I'm supposed to take it all in stride. Which I do since I don't mind laughing at myself sometimes. But when I do the same thing I get snapped at. Edited November 13, 2009 by aerogurl87
redhighheels Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been reading your threads and the similarities between our relationships are eerie. I'm somewhat in the same boat as you, even though my guy doesn't snap quite like that, but has his moments where he's slightly irritated.. I always pick up on it and it always rubs me the wrong way. I tried talking to him about it..lo' and behold, it turned into a full blown argument! We kissed and made up, but our first fight shed more light on his character than all the time we've spent together. I'm currently re-evaluating our relationship as well. The fact that he's such a great guy and an amazing bf is going to make it very hard to walk away..but when the time comes, I need to do what needs to be done. I guess I don't really have any advice to give, except for you to think where exactly you draw your lines and act accordingly.
Boundary Problem Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 While I don't believe that it's like this for all men who date girls early in their adulthood, I think there's a percentage for older men (30+ or so) to go for young girls because they want control. They find it easy to manipulate and treat like crap because the girl has less experience. I've known a few guys (exes and non exes) that are in their late 20s to late 30s, and they can't keep someone their age for the life of them because most girls their age have enough experience to draw the line. Instead they have young (18-21 yr old) girlfriends who hang on their every word, and believe them when they say they will stop treating them like crap, each and everytime. Not saying you are young and naive, OP, I think it's good you're seeing the signs of this now and are willing to draw the line. Slam dunk, Dreamergrl. They are little boys who never grew up.
dreamergrl Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Yeah dreamergrl I've dealt with a guy like that before already. He was in his late 20s and super possessive which was 1) a huge turn off and 2) a big red flag which led to me cutting him out of my life for good. The thing is I already told him that I didn't like being snapped at and it's starting to seem like that went in one ear and out the other. Well I'm young, pretty, and smart. I know I can get a nice guy who won't snap at me constantly. The thing is I love him though, so breaking up with him will suck. But I guess it's better to do so now instead of waiting till I invest more time and energy into him emotionally. As sad as it is, I think some of these guys know how to get the girl to love them. Hence the manipulation. It's harder to lose the girl when they have them drawn in. You can also love someone who's not good to you, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve better. That also doesn't mean you are obligated to stay with them. If he's killing your self esteem, time to move on. He wont change unless he wants to change. And I think he's been down this road before, and if he wanted to change he would have.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 As sad as it is, I think some of these guys know how to get the girl to love them. Hence the manipulation. It's harder to lose the girl when they have them drawn in. You can also love someone who's not good to you, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve better. That also doesn't mean you are obligated to stay with them. If he's killing your self esteem, time to move on. He wont change unless he wants to change. And I think he's been down this road before, and if he wanted to change he would have. I think your right dreamergrl. If he wanted to change he would've done so by now. I'm gonna break up with him though I've decided because I don't have time to waste my time and energy on someone who doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated.
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Example 1 happened about two and a half weeks ago when he was sick, so I let that slide. We were on the phone and I was telling him how much I missed him and how I hoped he'd get better. Well I was out with my friends who were being loud in the background and so all of a sudden he was like "I can't hear you! I'll call you later" and he hung up. He then apologized later saying he was irritable cause he was sick, but I let that slide because to me that was understandable. Example 2 happened last weekend. We were out one night looking for the street to get off the highway and go to this movie theater. We could see the movie theater from the highway, but not the exit to get to it. So after riding down the highway for the 3rd time I jokingly said "yeah I don't see the magical exit to the highway" and he snapped at me and told me to stop being so damn sarcastic. That ticked me off a bit and led to me not talking to him for most of the night. Example 3 happened tonight. We were on the phone and he was on his way to work. He was telling me about how his Playstation had broke or something and I was just saying "hmm, I see" as I usually do. Apparently I was being sarcastic again (which I wasn't) and he snapped at me again. This time he was like "stop being so damn sarcastic" and I was like "huh?" So then he was like "you know what I mean, saying "hmm, I see" everytime I say something." Edit: The thing is though, he can be super sarcastic with me and joke around with me and I'm supposed to take it all in stride. Which I do since I don't mind laughing at myself sometimes. But when I do the same thing I get snapped at. Playstations are a huge waste of time, IMO. Haven't owned one in years because of that. As far as him snapping at you, talk to him about it. If he's willing to work on it and shows that, great. If not, decide where you want the relationship to go.
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 As far as him snapping at you, talk to him about it. If he's willing to work on it and shows that, great. If not, decide where you want the relationship to go. I tried talking to him about that and his emotional unavailability before. And it was as if it went in one ear and out the other. So the way I see it, I have no choice but to end things if I'm going to find happiness in a relationship eventually.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 So for some reason that rubbed me the wrong way, although I don't know why Aerogurl - my opinion? You already have been having this gut-feeling that this guy just isn't for you, but are having a hard time thinking of breaking it off. So you're starting to nitpick him in your brain. Little things that probably wouldn't bother you about a man that you had a stronger connection with are the same things really putting you off about this guy. I started doing that with my xbf until I had so much built up in my head, it was like the dam bursting when one more little tiny thing hit it. I think you really need to take a hard look and decide what you want, here. IMO, it doesn't sound like you want to stay with him.
You'reasian Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I tried talking to him about that and his emotional unavailability before. And it was as if it went in one ear and out the other. So the way I see it, I have no choice but to end things if I'm going to find happiness in a relationship eventually. Why chose someone who is emotionally unavailable?
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