Johnny M Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 In the end I declined because I thought the age gap was too much, but he wanted a genuine relationship not a fling. And how do you know that? Let me guess: because he told you so?
Johnny M Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 No, I've read her posts and she's looking for her ideal man. A lot of posters resent that she has requirements that they can not meet. I think it's great that she has requirements. God, you are obtuse. This is what she stated herself: I thought I would look into online dating, so I registered and set up a profile etc, not planning to date right now but just wanted to see what was on offer. See, I even highlighted the operative part for you. She opened an online dating account even though she is not planning to date anyone who messages her there. In other words, she's there to waste men's time. As for not being able to meet her requirements, give me a break. I am not going to brag about my education, good looks, professional accomplishments, and 'cultural sophistication' like the OP does, but I can assure you that I am not lacking anything in any of those four categories. Just because I don't appreciate elitist snobs doesn't mean I'm some kind of an uncultured redneck.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 It's a number's game. They cast a wide net in hopes of getting at least one or two hits. If one of those hits happens to be "catch" like yourself, score! Men don't join online dating to find the perfect person for YOU - they are looking for their own interests. And no - in my experience, they do not read the profile. That was the most frustrating part for me, but just get used to it.
Ody Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I thought I would look into online dating, so I registered and set up a profile etc, not planning to date right now but just wanted to see what was on offer. I'm a bit surprised at some of the people who've contacted me. Are you surprised when slobs hit on you at a bar? Now I'm worried about my own attractiveness and the type of guys I can attract - if these guys genuinely think I'll date them then I'm obviously extremely unattractive and have fewer prospects than I thought. Are you really that worried? I'm a bit skeptical... Anyway, I write back to 1 in 10 (or fewer) of the women who contact me. So it goes both ways, the difference being that you will probably recieve many, many more messages than I do because you are a women. But neither gender's behavior on these sites sticks to very a personable, civilized pattern, in terms of first contact or response. Observe the very high number of profiles that list "penpals" or "activity partners" in the "what am I looking for section", but then go on to clearly describe their ideal romantic mate in the text section. Everyone who has said the men are just playing the numbers game is correct. It's fairly understandable, given response rates. The smart men however will at least read the profile and have their message relate to it, at least tangentially, and not bother with the people who obviously won't respond.
pandagirl Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 JT youre not going to find what you want on the internet, unless its an expensive dating site. The guys you want dont bother with dating sites, they are handsome and charming, they get women coming onto them frequently. So you have to go back to your other ways of looking for men, by chatting them up in your various clubs and outings you attend. This is something I've been wondering about. I am essentially in the same boat as JT. I can't find the guys I want IRL, so I use internet dating as a way to "broaden my horizons," so to speak. Now I'm suspicious of any handsome, intelligent man I meet online. Every one I've dated has had something erroneously damaged about them. :/ No wonder they're single. : /
b52s Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Now I'm worried about my own attractiveness and the type of guys I can attract - if these guys genuinely think I'll date them then I'm obviously extremely unattractive and have fewer prospects than I thought. This is the part I wanted to quote mostly. Obviously this woman thinks too highly of herself and needs to get over herself thinking that she's too physically attractive for the men approaching who might be average looking. She's presumptuous
thegreatmoose Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 (edited) God, you are obtuse. This is what she stated herself: I thought I would look into online dating, so I registered and set up a profile etc, not planning to date right now but just wanted to see what was on offer. See, I even highlighted the operative part for you. She opened an online dating account even though she is not planning to date anyone who messages her there. In other words, she's there to waste men's time. As for not being able to meet her requirements, give me a break. I am not going to brag about my education, good looks, professional accomplishments, and 'cultural sophistication' like the OP does, but I can assure you that I am not lacking anything in any of those four categories. Just because I don't appreciate elitist snobs doesn't mean I'm some kind of an uncultured redneck. No, I'm not obtuse at all. You actually think that she would ignore the perfect guy if she saw him on there? Really? You call her elitist with no basis. I've been called elitist too for silly reasons. You say you won't brag about your education, good looks and professional accomplishments, but then you say you don't lack anything in any of those areas. You can't have it both ways. We're going to have to agree to disagree. Edited November 14, 2009 by thegreatmoose
torranceshipman Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 On the other hand I know dozens of people who have all kinds of prestigious college awards who not only are not very intelligent, are generally useless human beings who can't even screw in a lightbulb, but because they have a fancy PH.d they got by being booksmart, theyfeel special and entitled. Wow...you really feel the right to stand in judgement over others, don't you? I think you're really having a go at the OP unnecessarily. I also have a doctorate and would never stand in judgement over anyone, but you are clearly standing in judgement over someone like me. That's not fair. Just because someone has a preference for someone with a doctorate (or whatever), doesn't mean that they are putting other people down or think they are better than others. It is just a PREFERENCE. I find it attractive myself (my boyfriend also has a doctorate) as it is partially a reflection that we think similarly, have a love of study and research, etc....for example - we've both studied philosophy at length, and would never refer to what we've learnt in life as being less biased than what a professor would teach in a classroom! Socialization is a powerful and insiduous thing and learning a lot of philosophy can make you a lot more open minded to that. And a lot less judgemental of other people. BUT just because that is my preference, it doesn't mean I stand in judgement over others, or think that I am better than anyone for having a doctorate - I mean, how ridiculous is that. But I do have PREFERENCES and will happily state them.
b52s Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I don't really see the point in going for a PhD, UNLESS it's a job requirement (like a professorship or psychology or M.D.). Other than that, I don't see the point going beyond a Bachelor's or a Masters. I know a guy who is in his late 30's, JUST finished off paying his Master's degree loans. Yikes. I mean, it's great to be educated and knowledgeable in things, don't get me wrong there.
torranceshipman Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 Women go on dating sites expecting to find a man like Brad Pitt or Ashton Kutcher with the brain of Einstein. This is especially true for 30-40 something women. Makes you wonder why they are single, no? I have to say...I met my guy on a dating site and he is smokin' hot and very intelligent, and treats me like gold, and I'm a 30-something, so hey, it can work, hehe I get your point though, lots of people are unrealistic...
FleshNBones Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 No, I'm not obtuse at all. You actually think that she would ignore the perfect guy if she saw him on there? Really? You call her elitist with no basis. I've been called elitist too for silly reasons. You say you won't brag about your education, good looks and professional accomplishments, but then you say you don't lack anything in any of those areas. You can't have it both ways. We're going to have to agree to disagree.Johnny was just taking it personally. Every false profile cuts away the chance of success for every serious responder.
Author JellyTot Posted November 14, 2009 Author Posted November 14, 2009 Obviously this woman thinks too highly of herself and needs to get over herself thinking that she's too physically attractive for the men approaching who might be average looking. I don't think I'm too attractive to date an average guy - but it depends how you define average! I think it's reasonable to expect an average guy in his 30s to be in ok shape, exercise sometimes, dress presentably, and have hair and teeth. Am I expecting more than average? I feel like I'm actually looking for Mr Average - I'm turned off by guys who dress in the rapper sort of style, guys who try to be too fashionable with their highlighted hair and diamond earrings, guys who are too buffed up and obviously love themselves, and (on the other end of the spectrum) guys who just don't make an effort at all - I just want a decent guy with a plain haircut and ordinary clothes like sweater and jeans, someone who looks presentable. Is that too much to ask? Then of course there's the issue of attraction - what's the point in me dating a guy if I don't find him attractive? I've made this mistake before - I've dated guys who were very intellectual and nice but I never really had the hots for them, I dated them because I liked their personalities - and without exception those relationships failed because the physical side of things was lacking. I liked hanging out with them, I just didn't feel any desire for them, so we didn't have sex (and when we did I didn't enjoy it) - of course a relationship like that can't last. So I'm a little harder on physical appearance than I used to be, simply because I've learned from experience that if there's no attraction the relationship doesn't work in the long term. I'm not saying that a guy has to be sexy as hell for me to find him attractive, but he has to appeal to me somehow - a cheeky smile, or beautiful eyes, or a strong jaw - not necessarily stunning good looks, just something that appeals to ME. I'm far more concerned about what he's like as a person, whether we can have good conversations and enjoy doing stuff together - and if we get on well I'm prepared to accept less physical attractiveness, but there's still a line that you have to draw because there are some guys who you'll just NEVER find attractive no matter how nice they are. I don't think anyone can deny that some sort of physical attraction or spark is absolutely necessary for a relationship to work. I don't actually go for the pretty boys anyway - I like a guy who looks sort of manly and slightly dishevelled, and perhaps has a bit of stubble
You'reasian Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 I like a guy who looks sort of manly and slightly dishevelled, and perhaps has a bit of stubble Let's hook up
lucy9216 Posted November 14, 2009 Posted November 14, 2009 It was match.com - is that just for hookups or for dating? I have been on match.com for a few months and I have noticed over time that I feel like I am going into a virtual bar to meet people on this site. I think match tries to gear themselves more towards long lasting relationships but the truth is most of the people on there are not looking for that. Personally I think I should have spent my money on Eharmoney, on that site you don't even have the option to search for people, the site picks out people based on your criteria and they send you notices when they think there is a good match for you. So you can decide if you want to talk with them or not after that, this site appears to be more serious with finding someone you could be happy with. I would say try out eharmony.... Dang! I feel like a commercial
eiithan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 (edited) I am uncertain if Eharmony will work better for Jelly because... 1) Eharmony requires the user to be supremely patient. Unless you choose fast track communication (skipping comparing each other's Dos and Donts, multiple questionnaires, short written answer questions, etc), it takes ages to get a response even if the woman initiates. If you can wait a week to get one step forward, sure go for it. Sadly, when I see a week delay in response, I take the guy is not interested. Plus, people often close out the communication even before reaching the open communication (emailing) period. 2) More importantly in a way, after a month of active use (receiving 7 matches a day), with the requirements like Jelly's, it is more likely that the system will run out of matches for her. To be fair, on openly searching systems like Match.com, after a month of active searching/reading (reading up to 1000 profiles or more), she will also hit a dead end. However, considering the smaller pool scale on eharmony, which unexceptionally includes a large number of inactive profiles/no-photo profiles, she is more likely to experience another instance of frustration upon small number of the suitable matches. Of course, there are exceptions...I had a date with a guy I met on eharmony a while back, who was not actively seeking and busy with work, therefore took ages to reply to me. He turned out to be a really good looking guy with a sunshiny personality as well (very mentally stable), so I was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the conversation with him. I still think Jelly should join art organisation/charity/etc...I tried every major online dating services and my conclusion is meeting the right person on the right time takes a heck of luck (haha). So Jelly, what about going to university seminars and befriend a cute junior lecturer or a young professor? They will be more than happy to respond to your initiation of conversation. Edited November 15, 2009 by eiithan
ADF Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 Welcome to the world of online dating (ugh). To answer some of your questions: no, you can be sure lots of guys are NOT bothering to read your profile. They just see a woman they find attractive and hit on her. Even if they are reading it, many are probably saying, "what have I got to lose?" They contact you despite what you've specified.
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