Online dating - what are people thinking?

[b52s]

I would be flexible about someone being divorced, as long as they were decent in other respects and weren't crippled by debt or alimony. But I'm pretty firm about the no kids thing - my life doesn't have room for children. I guess I see it like a divorce can be left behind a guy and he can move on, but children can't be left behind; his ex will NEVER go away if he has kids with her, both she and the kids will be hanging around for the rest of his life. I'd rather end up alone than be burdened with someone else's kids, I feel that strongly about it. There must be some decent guys my age who don't have kids (or else I'm going to have to start dating younger, hehe).

 

I'm not even 100% fixated on the idea of him having a higher degree, as long as he's still intellectual enough to share my interests - I've dated guys with higher degrees who I couldn't even have an intellectual conversation with. I don't mind how much money he makes, as long as it's reasonable. Loyalty is a must, as well as a reasonable level of attractiveness - I've found that lack of sexual attraction is more of a problem than lack of formal education.

 

My point is that guys who are obese or just very unattractive, and old guys in their late 40s-50s, and unemployed guys are looking at my profile and thinking I'll date them. Guys who are completely different types of people to me are contacting me and wanting to date, despite the fact that we're at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to finding each other interesting and fun, so they must only be looking at my photos and that's all. I wonder if they're completely disillusioned, or whether I'm really too picky - I didn't think it was too picky to want a loyal decent guy who's ok looking and has a reasonable career, and who I also have something in common with. If that's too much to ask for, it's very depressing because it means I'll never find anyone I can love I'm now debating whether I should just settle for someone who seems at least faithful - or whether (as I suspect) I would find myself completely unable to have a physical relationship with a man I don't love or respect.

 

 

You might want to drop the College Degree-type criteria altogether, it makes you sound elitist.

 

It's good that your flexible on the divorced withOUT kids, and I can't say I blame you for not wanting to date single parents, there's a whole entire issue there, of course.

 

But yeah, the fact someone's been to college its not relevant.

 

Which leads me to another issue - do people even assess whether the other person would be compatible/interested before they contact them?

 

Meh, not really, it takes the fun out of the dating process. Some think that their own charm and personality will SWAY you from there Phd requirement or whatever other unrealistic expectations you seek in a mate.

 

They are thinking, "Well, if she saw me in person, she'd probably change her mind"

 

Why? Because it's funny outside of online dating, women who have had strict HEIGHT criteria who would never respond to a short guy that they did NOT want emailing them, would probably date the guy if they had met them at a house party or when introduced whilst out among a group of friends on Karaoke night.

Edited November 13, 2009 by b52s

[thegreatmoose]

You might want to drop the College Degree-type criteria altogether, it makes you sound elitist.

 

It's good that your flexible on the divorced withOUT kids, and I can't say I blame you for not wanting to date single parents, there's a whole entire issue there, of course.

 

But yeah, the fact someone's been to college its not relevant.

 

 

 

Meh, not really, it takes the fun out of the dating process. Some think that their own charm and personality will SWAY you from there Phd requirement or whatever other unrealistic expectations you seek in a mate.

 

They are thinking, "Well, if she saw me in person, she'd probably change her mind"

 

Why? Because it's funny outside of online dating, women who have had strict HEIGHT criteria who would never respond to a short guy that they did NOT want emailing them, would probably date the guy if they had met them at a house party or when introduced whilst out among a group of friends on Karaoke night.

I don't feel her putting down college educated is unreasonable. It is all about what she finds important, not what others find important. That said I tend to prefer profiles where women list things like that as strong preferences rather than requirements. It gives the impression that they are less rigid. Also, let's suppose someone who has a successful business and is very intelliegent didn't go to college because he couldn't afford it when he was younger. It is up to her whether he gets a chance or not.

 

I eliminate 80-90% of the profiles based on incompatible interests or personality and a few more based on appearance. Why should I waste time emailing the wrong people? Also most women prefer nice emails. I don't make first emails to women very long becuase they may well get ignored.

 

I don't put height or body type requirements down. If she is reasonably attractive to me, that's good enough.

[torranceshipman]

Men with advanced degrees who are good looking, loyal, make a decent living, and like the opera are already in committed relationships, gay, or both. Sorry. You will not find them online.

 

Actually this isn't true, as you pretty much just exactly described my boyfriend, who I met online! We're both in our mid-30's. The reason we were single is because neither of us had met the right person yet, and we were both looking for what the OP is looking for (pretty much) - and both found it in eachother. So OP, I feel your pain, lol, but the men that respond are doing so because they think it's a numbers game and hell, you've got to be in in it to win it, right? Don't take answers from random men on a datig site as a reflection of your own worth (if you do, it might point to you having some insecurities that need addressing).

Edited November 13, 2009 by torranceshipman
typos

[leap83]

Jelly,

 

Thinking about your degree and intelligence, I would say try eharmony. I've been on match.com and to be honest, did not find anyone interesting - I am in the same field as you and consider myself a person with high intellect.

 

When I signed up for eharmony, I got PLENTY of very good matches. I met a couple of people from it and these are highly intellectual men - or I had luck? Some of the profiles are flaky but you can easily eliminate those by closing them and keeping only the ones you're interested in. If you subscribe, you get better matches and more of them. Right now, I'm not subscribed so the quality of matches dropped as well as the number. But I bet you if I were paying again, I would be matched with really good men.

 

Now you may ask me if eharmony is so good, how come I'm single?! Haha. Well, that's a long story for next time. But try eharmony.

[DustySaltus]

I read something that said a woman finds 1 in 10 guys attractive and a man finds 1 in 4 girls attractive. So right off the bat you have a 1 in 40 chance of meeting someone that BOTH parties are attracted to. Then you have to deal with the people who lie about things online that you can only find out in person. For Example:

 

ONLINE: I went out with a woman last night who I thought was "Single", 30 years old, had her s*** together and was very attractive.

 

REALITY: 35 years old, divorced, two year old, dressed as a dominatrix to a KIDS HALLOWEEN PARTY!!!, had a "little bit of a drug problem, back in the day" and oh yeah, her EX is a freaking nutjob!

 

One drink and I politely ended things. It's hit or miss, but you can't miss a shot you don't take.

 

IMO the more educated of a woman I dated the more of a "drill seargant" mentality they had. Of course not all of them, but a larger percentage. There seems to be this large sense of entitlement that I understand could be built up with someone over time, but not on the first couple of dates.

[cognac]

IMO the more educated of a woman I dated the more of a "drill seargant" mentality they had. Of course not all of them, but a larger percentage. There seems to be this large sense of entitlement that I understand could be built up with someone over time, but not on the first couple of dates.[/Quote]

 

YES! Exactly.

 

What makes the OP so special that she thinks she is allowed to put out all these hoops of fire for men to jump through ?

 

I don't think she cares about a man's brain, she cares about a man's status. I can talk to you for hours about history (ancient and present), have an IQ of 110 and love to learn, but I don't have a doctorate from college. On the other hand I know dozens of people who have all kinds of prestigious college awards who not only are not very intelligent, are generally useless human beings who can't even screw in a lightbulb, but because they have a fancy PH.d they got by being booksmart, theyfeel special and entitled.

 

I do have a college degree, as do most of my friends, but all of my knowledge about history, philosophy and life in general I learned outside of a biased, opinionated, agenda pushing college professors classroom. My friends and myself would wipe our asses with our college degrees as we just got them so we can find employment.

 

Just because you are one of the few women who isn't a complete idiot or 300 lbs, doesn't mean you're some kind of superhuman .

 

Unlike men, women always feel like they are entitled to something better than themselves. FOr once, can't you "Settle" for your *gasp* EQUAL, or maybe SLIGHTLY "inferior" (by your snobby standards).

[Johnny M]

Let me get this straight. You opened a profile on a dating site, even though you've got no intention of dating anyone. You did it because you wanted to "see what it has to offer". In other words, you want an ego boost from having a bunch of men express an interest in you. Then you can get a further ego boost by going to a forum like this one and writing about all the terrible, unattractive, uneducated men who dared to message such a gorgeous, classy, sophisticated and intelligent woman like yourself .

 

Get over yourself. You are too old to date good looking, educated, desirable men in you age group. These guys have been working too hard on getting an education, building their careers, and keeping themselves in good shape to date an aging 'Cindy Crawford' with a huge sense of entitlement. These guys would much rather date a younger, more down to earth girl.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Johnny M

[cognac]

Let me get this straight. You opened a profile on a dating site, even though you've got no intention of dating anyone. You did it because you wanted to "see what it has to offer". In other words, you want an ego boost from having a bunch of men express an interest in you. Then you can get a further ego boost by going to a forum like this one and writing about all the terrible, unattractive, uneducated men who dared to message such a gorgeous, classy, sophisticated and intelligent woman like yourself .

 

Get over yourself. You are too old to date good looking, educated, desirable men in you age group. These guys have been working too hard on getting an education, building their careers, and keeping themselves in good shape to date an aging 'Cindy Crawford' with a huge sense of entitlement. These guys would much rather date a younger, more down to earth girl.

 

Uh oh, the painful truth. Dr. Princess indeed needs to be taken down a few thousand notches.

 

I suggest OP read this http://www.henrymakow.com/002138.html While your first instinct will be complete revulsion, take a minute to sink in and think if your current lifestyle and worldview is really making you happy, or if it's just what the system told you you should aspire to.

[Rudderless]

OP, just thought I'd point out the reason you're getting quite vitriolic responses is because some men around here take it as a personal rejection when someone's standards rule them out.

 

I really don't think online is the way to go for you, and I'm still not sure what the difficulty is with meeting men given the field you're in.

[Boundary Problem]

OP,

Your age is not a problem.

 

Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

 

They will flame me now, because it is what they do, but trust me (I'm 36) our age is NOT a deterrent for them.

 

I think I bring more to the table now than I ever did 10-15 years ago and if they don't see that - then it wouldn't be a good fit in any event.

 

I think in another thread they recommended that you weed through your dating prospects more quickly than your natural pace. I see your foray into online dating as a strategy to try to expose yourself to greater numbers.

 

I personally found online dating a waste of time, but perhaps you will have better luck than me.

 

I don't recommend dating within your professional community - not contaminating your professional life is important.

 

There was lots of good advice (some nuggets) amongst the deluge of posts here. So if you pick up the nuggest and discard the "noise" and make any changes necessary, I'm sure you will find something very satisfying.

 

I wish you luck - and ignore the flame throwers - this is blood sport for them.

[Thornton]

OP, I'm a bit younger than you (just turned 30). My age has never proved to be a deterrent to men (but I admit I look young for a 30 yr old). A 22yr old guy asked me out not so long ago, which proves that 30 isn't past it.

 

I've tried online dating in the past, and I've noticed that a lot of guys who are late 20s or 30s would still contact me, despite the fact I'm around their age or even slightly older. The fact is, younger girls aren't always a better option... a beautiful woman will still be more beautiful in her 30s than an ugly woman will be in her 20s, plus if a man is looking for brains and common interests he isn't guaranteed to get that in a younger girl; if he's genuine he'll date older if the compatibility is better.

 

Of course if a man is just looking for a pretty face and a hot body then he'll probably go for 20 somethings, but if he's looking for a genuine match then age isn't such a big factor. My ex (aged 30) said that before he dated me, he dated a lot of girls who were around 23-24, and it was "always the same 23 yr old bull****", whereas I was genuinely compatible with him, and committed and mature (it didn't work out, but that's another story).

 

In my experience, guys who've spent their 20s in education (as most PhD students have... I should know, having been one myself) often tend to be unmarried with no kids by age 30. I know loads of male PhD students like that. That type of guy seems less likely to settle for someone in his 20s, usually because he's a broke student with little money, and he wants to accomplish other things before marrying and having a family. Strangely enough, they don't all seem to be dating younger girls... many of my high achieving male friends are dating high achieving women, who tend to be around their own age. One friend from my PhD days is aged 30 and is dating a woman of 39, because she's clever and funny and he likes her as a person.

 

So I don't think your situation is hopeless, particularly as you're aiming at a demographic of men who are likely to value personality and achievements over age. The problem is finding such men in real life! Online dating is a good way to start getting yourself out there, but you might have more success if you could go to places where suitable men might hang out.

 

Oh, and one more thing... I know from my experience of online dating that a great profile or an education did nothing for me, it was just a nice bonus... I looked at the pics and if I thought a guy was cute I was interested in him. I clicked yes on cute men with slightly less education or income, and clicked no on unattractive men with six figure salaries and PhDs. Reading the man's profile was an afterthought... if I didn't think he was cute I wouldn't even bother to read his profile, because what's the point of him being nice if I don't fancy him? Only once attractiveness was established would I read his profile and look for compatibility, and I'd be willing to settle for slightly less compatibility if he was more handsome. Shallow perhaps, but I think that's how most people approach online dating... they scan photos and only bother to read the profiles of attractive people. If some men are contacting you, they must have found your pic attractive to even bother clicking on your profile, which can only be a good thing!

[Johnny M]

OP, I'm a bit younger than you (just turned 30). My age has never proved to be a deterrent to men (but I admit I look young for a 30 yr old). A 22yr old guy asked me out not so long ago, which proves that 30 isn't past it.

You're right, age is not much of an obstacle to short term flings with much younger guys. But my understanding is that the OP is looking for a long-term relationship with a man who is around her age.

[Chicago_Guy]

I thought I would look into online dating, so I registered and set up a profile etc, not planning to date right now but just wanted to see what was on offer. I'm a bit surprised at some of the people who've contacted me. I mean, I guess I should be grateful that anyone at all has expressed an interest, but the majority of people who've contacted me are so far away from what I'm looking for it's actually worrying.

 

For example: I'm not racist, but I really only find myself sexually attracted to Caucasian men, so I put that as a preference where the profile states what sort of guy I want to meet. Yet I've had messages from guys of all different ethnicities, who it seems haven't even bothered to read my profile. I also specified that I most definitely do not want any guys with kids, or guys who are divorced - it says that quite clearly in my profile, so why are these sort of guys still contacting me? Can people not read?

 

I also specified that I wanted a guy with at least bachelors or masters degree (I'd prefer a doctorate, since I'm a doctor, but I didn't want to be too picky). But numerous guys have messaged me and they list their education as "university of life" or "high school". Their hobbies are things like watching reality tv and drinking beer with their buddies, whereas mine are going to the opera and reading about Middle Eastern history. Do these guys really think we'll be compatible based on what they've read in my profile? Or have they just looked at my photos (I'm not bad looking) and decided to contact me without bothering to find out anything about me?

 

Which leads me to another issue - do people even assess whether the other person would be compatible/interested before they contact them? I'm in my early thirties, and I'm getting messages from guys who are 15-20 years my senior, and guys who don't really seem to have much to offer. Does a 45yr old unemployed guy really think a 30ish doctor is going to date him? Does a guy who is VERY unattractive and obese think a reasonably pretty woman is going to be interested in him? Why are these people contacting me if they don't expect me to be interested - or DO they expect me to be interested?

 

Now I'm worried about my own attractiveness and the type of guys I can attract - if these guys genuinely think I'll date them then I'm obviously extremely unattractive and have fewer prospects than I thought. I know I'm in my thirties, but I still have dark hair and no wrinkles (I often pass for being mid twenties); I work out and I have the same proportions as Cindy Crawford (just a couple of inches shorter); I have a decent career and I'm reasonably smart - am I not worthy of a decent guy who is somewhat smart, reasonably attractive, and doing ok in life?

 

The one thing that has made me feel good about myself is that quite a few younger guys have contacted me - guys aged 22-25 who, although they're a little too young for me, have made me feel a lot better by writing stuff like "Wow, you're hot - wanna go on a date?"

 

Jellytot, you have high standards and you should have high standards because you are successful. Someone with your education and career would almost certainly be bored with a man who is not as ambitious as yourself. That being the case, the odds of you actually finding someone compatible on an Internet dating website such as match.com is practically nil. Given what you are looking for, you're going to have to find a man some other way than via the Internet. Perhaps you could join an upscale gym where other professionals work out or try to meet someone at a medical conference or something like that.

 

However, I do have an issue with this part in your post - Their hobbies are things like watching reality tv and drinking beer with their buddies, whereas mine are going to the opera and reading about Middle Eastern history.

 

If a prospective match has to be into Middle Eastern history and opera you may never find someone you like. How many straight men can honestly say that they enjoy going operas? I am a lawyer myself and am friends with many other lawyers and other professionals such as doctors, but none of these people are fans of the opera.

[thegreatmoose]

Let me get this straight. You opened a profile on a dating site, even though you've got no intention of dating anyone. You did it because you wanted to "see what it has to offer". In other words, you want an ego boost from having a bunch of men express an interest in you. Then you can get a further ego boost by going to a forum like this one and writing about all the terrible, unattractive, uneducated men who dared to message such a gorgeous, classy, sophisticated and intelligent woman like yourself .

 

Get over yourself. You are too old to date good looking, educated, desirable men in you age group. These guys have been working too hard on getting an education, building their careers, and keeping themselves in good shape to date an aging 'Cindy Crawford' with a huge sense of entitlement. These guys would much rather date a younger, more down to earth girl.

She never said that. Of course she wants to see what online has to offer. There's a lot of good men online and she certainly has a chance of finding her match online. You think that if she finds somone greatonline taht she would not want to be with him????

 

I don't see a sense of entitlement at all from her and my opinion is that from a male. It's her absolute right to want an educated man.

 

What is so wrong with adding online dating to all her other methods? If she finds someone, it is worth more than gold. If she doesn't she is only out the cost of signing up for the site.

[Chicago_Guy]

She never said that. Of course she wants to see what online has to offer. There's a lot of good men online and she certainly has a chance of finding her match online. You think that if she finds somone greatonline taht she would not want to be with him????

 

I don't see a sense of entitlement at all from her and my opinion is that from a male. It's her absolute right to want an educated man.

 

What is so wrong with adding online dating to all her other methods? If she finds someone, it is worth more than gold. If she doesn't she is only out the cost of signing up for the site.

 

I have no doubt that she wants an educated man, but Johnny M does raise a good point. A very successful man would like a successful and attractive woman provided she isn't burden/pain to be around. I get the impression that Jellytot might be very demanding/bossy. If she is like that, a successful and good-looking man her age will usually prefer another woman who is appreciative and much easier to be around and possibly also younger.

[thegreatmoose]

However, I do have an issue with this part in your post - Their hobbies are things like watching reality tv and drinking beer with their buddies, whereas mine are going to the opera and reading about Middle Eastern history.

 

If a prospective match has to be into Middle Eastern history and opera you may never find someone you like. How many straight men can honestly say that they enjoy going operas? I am a lawyer myself and am friends with many other lawyers and other professionals such as doctors, but none of these people are fans of the opera.

I enjoy things such as going to operas and I am a straight man. She also said her match does not have to be into European history. Her interests are a positive to me. I don't know how many women I have not emailed becuase they make such a big deal about going to bars and drinking.

[thegreatmoose]

I have no doubt that she wants an educated man, but Johnny M does raise a good point. A very successful man would like a successful and attractive woman provided she isn't burden/pain to be around. I get the impression that Jellytot might be very demanding/bossy. If she is like that, a successful and good-looking man her age will usually prefer another woman who is appreciative and much easier to be around and possibly also younger.

Sorry, but I can't agree with mush of anything in Johnny M's post.

 

Now, it is possible that she might have some characteristics that turn off many men. It's hard to know if this is the case without meeting her.

 

In my case I'm highly edcauted and have a lot of positives. There are also some negatives such as having a lack of confidence which almost no woman likes.

 

It's true in a more general case that someone can have so many great things about them, but have one or two things that ruin everything. It may very well be true for me. There's no way to know if this is the case for the OP.

[Thornton]

You're right, age is not much of an obstacle to short term flings with much younger guys. But my understanding is that the OP is looking for a long-term relationship with a man who is around her age.

 

What makes you think that because a 22yr old man asks out a 30yr old woman, all he wants is a fling? Talk about prejudice...

 

The man in question is a friend of mine who attends the same martial arts club, I know him fairly well because all of us from the club go out together for drinks. Apparently he had a huge crush on me for some time, not just because he thought I was pretty but also because he liked me as a person... admittedly he thought I was around 24 yrs old, and he was a bit shocked when I revealed that I'm 30, but he still wanted to date me. In the end I declined because I thought the age gap was too much, but he wanted a genuine relationship not a fling. Just because a man is younger, doesn't mean he can't be serious about an older woman!

[boogieboy]

JT youre not going to find what you want on the internet, unless its an expensive dating site. The guys you want dont bother with dating sites, they are handsome and charming, they get women coming onto them frequently. So you have to go back to your other ways of looking for men, by chatting them up in your various clubs and outings you attend.

[Boundary Problem]

Just because a man is younger, doesn't mean he can't be serious about an older woman!

 

 

Johnny has been told this many many times. He has his own point of view.

Edited November 13, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[Johnny M]

She never said that. Of course she wants to see what online has to offer. There's a lot of good men online and she certainly has a chance of finding her match online. You think that if she finds somone greatonline taht she would not want to be with him????

You need to learn to read between the lines. It's a great skill to have, especially when dealing with women. When a woman is not looking for dating and yet opens an online dating account anyway, it can only mean thing: she's an attention whore.

[thegreatmoose]

JT youre not going to find what you want on the internet, unless its an expensive dating site. The guys you want dont bother with dating sites, they are handsome and charming, they get women coming onto them frequently. So you have to go back to your other ways of looking for men, by chatting them up in your various clubs and outings you attend.

Not true. There are plenty of good men and women on dating sites. Many many thousands if not millions of marriages have started from meeting on dating sites and I can assure you, many many of them are too great people who wouln't have found each other otherwise. She just has to weed out the bad ones by hitting the delete button probably hundreds of times.

 

She also emphsizes inntelectual more than handsome and charming in her posts.

 

The best way to find someone is to use multiple methods at once. Nothing wrong with using a dating site as one of them.

[thegreatmoose]

You need to learn to read between the lines. It's a great skill to have, especially when dealing with women. When a woman is not looking for dating and yet opens an online dating account anyway, it can only mean thing: she's an attention whore.

No, I've read her posts and she's looking for her ideal man. A lot of posters resent that she has requirements that they can not meet. I think it's great that she has requirements.

 

Some women go on these sites for fun and others go on looking for a husband. I already knew that.

 

Some posters also seem to resent the good men and women who choose to use dating websites to look for a spouse. Imagine that. I'm on one too, but I don't think I'm a loser.

[virgin]

Women go on dating sites expecting to find a man like Brad Pitt or Ashton Kutcher with the brain of Einstein. This is especially true for 30-40 something women. Makes you wonder why they are single, no?

[Johnny M]

What makes you think that because a 22yr old man asks out a 30yr old woman, all he wants is a fling? Talk about prejudice...

It's called life experience. I know plenty of guys who hook up with older girls yet I'm not personally aware of a single long-term couple where the man is 8 years junior. I'm sure such couples exist, but they are very, very rare.