Online dating - what are people thinking?

[JellyTot]

I thought I would look into online dating, so I registered and set up a profile etc, not planning to date right now but just wanted to see what was on offer. I'm a bit surprised at some of the people who've contacted me. I mean, I guess I should be grateful that anyone at all has expressed an interest, but the majority of people who've contacted me are so far away from what I'm looking for it's actually worrying.

 

For example: I'm not racist, but I really only find myself sexually attracted to Caucasian men, so I put that as a preference where the profile states what sort of guy I want to meet. Yet I've had messages from guys of all different ethnicities, who it seems haven't even bothered to read my profile. I also specified that I most definitely do not want any guys with kids, or guys who are divorced - it says that quite clearly in my profile, so why are these sort of guys still contacting me? Can people not read?

 

I also specified that I wanted a guy with at least bachelors or masters degree (I'd prefer a doctorate, since I'm a doctor, but I didn't want to be too picky). But numerous guys have messaged me and they list their education as "university of life" or "high school". Their hobbies are things like watching reality tv and drinking beer with their buddies, whereas mine are going to the opera and reading about Middle Eastern history. Do these guys really think we'll be compatible based on what they've read in my profile? Or have they just looked at my photos (I'm not bad looking) and decided to contact me without bothering to find out anything about me?

 

Which leads me to another issue - do people even assess whether the other person would be compatible/interested before they contact them? I'm in my early thirties, and I'm getting messages from guys who are 15-20 years my senior, and guys who don't really seem to have much to offer. Does a 45yr old unemployed guy really think a 30ish doctor is going to date him? Does a guy who is VERY unattractive and obese think a reasonably pretty woman is going to be interested in him? Why are these people contacting me if they don't expect me to be interested - or DO they expect me to be interested?

 

Now I'm worried about my own attractiveness and the type of guys I can attract - if these guys genuinely think I'll date them then I'm obviously extremely unattractive and have fewer prospects than I thought. I know I'm in my thirties, but I still have dark hair and no wrinkles (I often pass for being mid twenties); I work out and I have the same proportions as Cindy Crawford (just a couple of inches shorter); I have a decent career and I'm reasonably smart - am I not worthy of a decent guy who is somewhat smart, reasonably attractive, and doing ok in life?

 

The one thing that has made me feel good about myself is that quite a few younger guys have contacted me - guys aged 22-25 who, although they're a little too young for me, have made me feel a lot better by writing stuff like "Wow, you're hot - wanna go on a date?"

[someotherguy]

From what I understand, online dating sites have an extremely high male:female subscription ratio. Men FAR outnumber the women.

 

Due to the high level of competition, bolstered by their high levels of testosterone, and further emboldened by their anonymity on the internet...most men on these sites won't even read your profile.

 

Obviously you have a pulse, since you built a profile, thus they will attempt to contact you.

 

As to your further points...

 

Men with advanced degrees who are good looking, loyal, make a decent living, and like the opera are already in committed relationships, gay, or both. Sorry. You will not find them online.

 

I have to admit, I read one of your other posts, and I have to say, with as picky and insecure as you are, internet dating is probably a very very bad idea for you. Just my opinion.

 

A better idea may be a local singles group, or meetup.com, or getting to know some people through professional organizations.

 

As you edge into your 30's, your ability to find single men who have never been married and don't have kids is going to diminish rapidly. The kids thing I understand, I have custody of 2 children myself, and (perhaps hypocritically) I won't date anyone else with children.

 

However, you may want to rethink the not dating anyone divorced thing, as I don't think there is any truly fair reason to filter based on that criteria, unless you are so vain as to believe you should be someone's first love at your tender age.

 

Fact is, intelligent, loyal, caring, educated, handsome, successful men in their 30's tend to have been in previous serious relationships, many times successfully snared into marriage by someone wanting to take advantage of those very qualities. I mean, if they're "all that", why the hell would they still be single in their 30's, right?

 

One last note, as to education...you may be surprised by some of the people out there without advanced degrees. There is a small segment of the population which simply doesn't mix well with formal education, and they tend to be extremely bright, self-educated, and successful.

 

To patronizingly paint groups of people with the broad brushes you have is terribly insulting, after all, aren't you some super-hot chick with an advanced degree who can't seem to find a decent man?

 

Who is the one feel lonely and dejected at the end of the night?

 

You may want to look in the mirror and see what's wrong with your worldview.

[littlewhiterose]

Internet dating is interesting. You're going to run into a whole bunch of different people, including a whole bunch you don't want to. The suggestion for meetup might be a better option. Which site was this? Some are geared more towards hookups vs. relationships etc......

[JellyTot]

I would be flexible about someone being divorced, as long as they were decent in other respects and weren't crippled by debt or alimony. But I'm pretty firm about the no kids thing - my life doesn't have room for children. I guess I see it like a divorce can be left behind a guy and he can move on, but children can't be left behind; his ex will NEVER go away if he has kids with her, both she and the kids will be hanging around for the rest of his life. I'd rather end up alone than be burdened with someone else's kids, I feel that strongly about it. There must be some decent guys my age who don't have kids (or else I'm going to have to start dating younger, hehe).

 

I'm not even 100% fixated on the idea of him having a higher degree, as long as he's still intellectual enough to share my interests - I've dated guys with higher degrees who I couldn't even have an intellectual conversation with. I don't mind how much money he makes, as long as it's reasonable. Loyalty is a must, as well as a reasonable level of attractiveness - I've found that lack of sexual attraction is more of a problem than lack of formal education.

 

My point is that guys who are obese or just very unattractive, and old guys in their late 40s-50s, and unemployed guys are looking at my profile and thinking I'll date them. Guys who are completely different types of people to me are contacting me and wanting to date, despite the fact that we're at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to finding each other interesting and fun, so they must only be looking at my photos and that's all. I wonder if they're completely disillusioned, or whether I'm really too picky - I didn't think it was too picky to want a loyal decent guy who's ok looking and has a reasonable career, and who I also have something in common with. If that's too much to ask for, it's very depressing because it means I'll never find anyone I can love I'm now debating whether I should just settle for someone who seems at least faithful - or whether (as I suspect) I would find myself completely unable to have a physical relationship with a man I don't love or respect.

[JellyTot]

Internet dating is interesting. You're going to run into a whole bunch of different people, including a whole bunch you don't want to. The suggestion for meetup might be a better option. Which site was this? Some are geared more towards hookups vs. relationships etc......

It was match.com - is that just for hookups or for dating?

[crazy_grl]

I posted about this same thing a long ass time ago. I created a profile to try out the online dating thing (never went on any dates) and got a bunch of messages from guys that were clearly not what I wanted from what was said in my profile. One thing I said was I don't want kids and wasn't interested in dating guys who did. I got lots of messages from guys whose profiles said they wanted kids. (There was a 'not sure' or 'undecided' option they could have chosen.)

 

Most guys will just look at the picture and not read. I think it's because they'd rather just send out a boat load of messages to women and hope one answers than to take the time to read a profile and send messages to only women they would be compatible with. It's kind of pathetic, but sending more messages would increase their chances of getting a response, I suppose.

 

And if they're just looking to get laid, what the woman has to say about herself would have little relevance.

 

My suggestion is to, if possible on the site you're using, hide your profile from public view. Then only guys you contact will find you.

Edited November 13, 2009 by crazy_grl

[CarrieT]

JellyTot, you and I could have written exactly the same post. I've been on the dating sites for a year-and-a-half now and am shocked at how few actually read through what I've written. I even posted my profile here and did a major re-editing a few months ago.

 

Despite saying that I'm not a Cougar, I still get 20-year olds approaching me; "Wow, U R Hot! Wanna hook-up?"

 

Despite stating that smoking and children are deal-breakers, I get the guys who try and convince me that I would LOVE their children. Yeah, right...

 

I think they look at it as a numbers game; they don't read through the profiles and send roughly the same intro to any potential new woman in hopes of someone responding.

 

Quite frankly, I have given up on all the free sites like Mate1, Plenty of Fish, and OKCupid. Match.com only gave me sex pervs (like the guy who wanted me to dominate him). I'm on eHarmony now, but only for three months. After it expires, I'm giving up entirely on online dating. For me, it has been more of a travesty and a joke. I know there are some who actually have good dates, but I have yet to have one go to a second date.

[JustLooking123]

Online dating requires YOU to weed people out, because they're not going to weed themselves out, no matter how narrow you state your requirements to be. Also, some women (men too) write overly long, restrictive, demanding profiles which are tough to read, so some people might not even bother, and are emailing you based on photo alone.

 

Although I have to ask - is reading about Middle Eastern history really a "hobby" of yours? Seriously? Or do you think saying that makes you sound smart?

[sumdude]

From the man's perspective dating sites either become too frustrating or you have to play the numbers game. I've spent time looking at profiles, actually reading them to get at least some glimmer of possible compatibility. I pay attention to preferences because I don't want to waste my time or someone else's. I'll send out original e-mails to prospects where I see some potential...and? never get a reply... why? Don't know for sure.

 

Meanwhile I get a few random e-mails or winks from older, larger women who are far outside my preferences.

 

So I can either go the route of mass e-mailing or deep six the whole online game.

 

On these sites attractive women have the upper hand, you get to pick and choose but it is far from scientific.. relationships never are. Look at it as if you were picking fruit and vegetables at the market.

[thegreatmoose]

From what I understand, online dating sites have an extremely high male:female subscription ratio. Men FAR outnumber the women.

 

Due to the high level of competition, bolstered by their high levels of testosterone, and further emboldened by their anonymity on the internet...most men on these sites won't even read your profile.

 

Obviously you have a pulse, since you built a profile, thus they will attempt to contact you.

 

As to your further points...

 

Men with advanced degrees who are good looking, loyal, make a decent living, and like the opera are already in committed relationships, gay, or both. Sorry. You will not find them online.

 

I have to admit, I read one of your other posts, and I have to say, with as picky and insecure as you are, internet dating is probably a very very bad idea for you. Just my opinion.

 

A better idea may be a local singles group, or meetup.com, or getting to know some people through professional organizations.

 

As you edge into your 30's, your ability to find single men who have never been married and don't have kids is going to diminish rapidly. The kids thing I understand, I have custody of 2 children myself, and (perhaps hypocritically) I won't date anyone else with children.

 

However, you may want to rethink the not dating anyone divorced thing, as I don't think there is any truly fair reason to filter based on that criteria, unless you are so vain as to believe you should be someone's first love at your tender age.

 

Fact is, intelligent, loyal, caring, educated, handsome, successful men in their 30's tend to have been in previous serious relationships, many times successfully snared into marriage by someone wanting to take advantage of those very qualities. I mean, if they're "all that", why the hell would they still be single in their 30's, right?

 

One last note, as to education...you may be surprised by some of the people out there without advanced degrees. There is a small segment of the population which simply doesn't mix well with formal education, and they tend to be extremely bright, self-educated, and successful.

 

To patronizingly paint groups of people with the broad brushes you have is terribly insulting, after all, aren't you some super-hot chick with an advanced degree who can't seem to find a decent man?

 

Who is the one feel lonely and dejected at the end of the night?

 

You may want to look in the mirror and see what's wrong with your worldview.

I'm on a major online dating site and women do outnumber men. That's an advantage for women who know what they are doing. It's a disadvantage for men such as me. Supply and demand.

 

I do read profiles of everyone that I contact and it is clear from my emails that I do that. A good number of (often undesirable) men mail everybody under the sun without reading profiles. A few women do this too and when one emails me, I delete it.

 

I'm much more likely to email a woman if I see that she's looked at my profile. I know there might be interest from that end.

 

It is not true that desiribale men are not online. The whole spectrum is online. Many men are somewhat picky, which is one of many legitimate reasons they are still be single in their 30s. Many of those have had relationships that have not worked out for various reasons. To say that men in their 30s who are still single can't be good catches is absurd.

 

You claim the OP is painting men with braod brushes. I think you have it backwards, given one generalization after another you make about men who do online dating. These generalizations simply don't hold up. There are plenty of good and even great men on there. I definietly have a lot of competition for the good women. It is all about weeding out the undesirables, especially for females.

 

Online dating gives people one more place to find love. There's no law that says people who use online dating must only use online dating. Many people use several methods such as meetup.com and the old fashioned way all at once.

[thegreatmoose]

From the man's perspective dating sites either become too frustrating or you have to play the numbers game. I've spent time looking at profiles, actually reading them to get at least some glimmer of possible compatibility. I pay attention to preferences because I don't want to waste my time or someone else's. I'll send out original e-mails to prospects where I see some potential...and? never get a reply... why? Don't know for sure.

 

Meanwhile I get a few random e-mails or winks from older, larger women who are far outside my preferences.

 

So I can either go the route of mass e-mailing or deep six the whole online game.

 

On these sites attractive women have the upper hand, you get to pick and choose but it is far from scientific.. relationships never are. Look at it as if you were picking fruit and vegetables at the market.

It can be frustrating from the man's perspective. I'm far less than perfect. I'm somewhat picky about who I email, especially when it comes to personality. They have to look a bit attractive to me, but I'd say 3 out of 4 are attractive or better to me. Not too picky there. I take the time to send thoughtful emails and get a good number of responses.

 

Women can the upper hand since there are less of them. However, based on what gets posted on this website, many women lose this upper hand by not immediately deleting emails from the losers that inevitably email them. They sometimes get impatient and don't wait for the email from a more desirable man.

[JellyTot]

Although I have to ask - is reading about Middle Eastern history really a "hobby" of yours? Seriously? Or do you think saying that makes you sound smart?

I'm fascinated with it - it's the cradle of civilization! I own a million and one books on the subject, and I dragged two of my exes around Egypt and Israel and Turkey etc on various holidays to poke around temples and ruins and stuff (they didn't enjoy it much, haha.) The Persian and Byzantine empires, the Crusades, Egyptology and early Christianity - all of that fascinates me (I originally wanted to be an Egyptologist, but as a teenager my father convinced me to study science instead because he felt it would result in better career prospects.) I know it's geeky, but I can talk about that stuff for hours - I honestly don't say it to sound smart, in fact I usually don't mention it because I know people find it boring.

[cognac]

Maybe you aren't as great as you think you are.

[CarrieT]

I'm fascinated with it - it's the cradle of civilization! I own a million and one books on the subject, and I dragged two of my exes around Egypt and Israel and Turkey etc on various holidays to poke around temples and ruins and stuff (they didn't enjoy it much, haha.) The Persian and Byzantine empires, the Crusades, Egyptology and early Christianity - all of that fascinates me (I originally wanted to be an Egyptologist, but as a teenager my father convinced me to study science instead because he felt it would result in better career prospects.) I know it's geeky, but I can talk about that stuff for hours - I honestly don't say it to sound smart, in fact I usually don't mention it because I know people find it boring.

 

I say, are you my twin?

 

Except that I took my love of Egyptology and early history into the realm of art and jewelry and food! My first creations were all styled after the Celts, the Egyptians, the Babylonians, etc... It took me into historic recreation societies; creating Medieval feasts, Renaissance Faires, etc...

[JellyTot]

Women can the upper hand since there are less of them.

 

I'm on a major online dating site and women do outnumber men.

 

From what I understand, online dating sites have an extremely high male:female subscription ratio. Men FAR outnumber the women.

 

So which one is it - do men out number women or vice versa? We seem to have conflicting opinions here. Why is that the case? I would imagine there are an equal number of people of both genders looking for love.

[sumdude]

I'm fascinated with it - it's the cradle of civilization! I own a million and one books on the subject, and I dragged two of my exes around Egypt and Israel and Turkey etc on various holidays to poke around temples and ruins and stuff (they didn't enjoy it much, haha.) The Persian and Byzantine empires, the Crusades, Egyptology and early Christianity - all of that fascinates me (I originally wanted to be an Egyptologist, but as a teenager my father convinced me to study science instead because he felt it would result in better career prospects.) I know it's geeky, but I can talk about that stuff for hours - I honestly don't say it to sound smart, in fact I usually don't mention it because I know people find it boring.

 

Hey you've got a passion for something. That's a good thing. Sure not everyone is going to want to talk about the Indus Valley but what can you do? It is true though, a PHD or other degree is not always the best barometer for intellectual compatibility.

[thegreatmoose]

So which one is it - do men out number women or vice versa? We seem to have conflicting opinions here. Why is that the case? I would imagine there are an equal number of people of both genders looking for love.

I made a typo in one place.

 

Men most definitely outnumber women. The site I'm on in my area has about 55 men for every 45 women.

 

There generally is an equal number overall in the population, but online dating sites tend to have more men than women.

Edited November 13, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[JellyTot]

I made a typo in one place.

 

Men most definitely outnumber women. The site I'm on in my area has about 55 men for every 45 women.

 

There generally is an equal number overall in the population, but online dating sites tend to have more men than women.

Oh, I wonder why that is? Do men have a harder time meeting people, or are women less computer savvy?

[eiithan]

Jelly,

 

Add this line to your profile. "If you don't meet my criteria, while I appreciate your showing an interest in me, I am not going to respond your wink/email and hope this is acceptable for you. Thank you."

 

And only reply to men you think you are compatible with.

 

Or, you can do what I did...I wrote an essay on my profile (maxing out 4000 words) on who I am and what kind of men I am looking for, and in turn I was contacted by only a few men who appreciated what I wrote. The downside of my profile was it also scared 90% of the male users away (including many good men)...but at least I can confidently say all men I went out with were quality (however I also initiated a lot).

[thegreatmoose]

Oh, I wonder why that is? Do men have a harder time meeting people, or are women less computer savvy?

I wonder if it's the case that there are more men than women that use the internet. Also, computer programming and many related professions often have more men than women.

 

In my case, I've had trouble meeting women. I tend to mess up in social situations with new people, which is magnified in a dating situation. I'm not sure if this is more frequent among men, but men are usually expected to make the first move and making the first move by computer can be easier.

 

The ratio of men to women in online dating is gradually evening out. It used to be common to have 1 woman for every 4 men and it is very possible that it will get close to 50/50 in the not too distant future.

[thegreatmoose]

Add this line to your profile. "If you don't meet my criteria, while I appreciate your showing an interest in me, I am not going to respond your wink/email and hope this is acceptable for you. Thank you."

 

And only reply to men you think you are compatible with.

That might go a little too far, especially if she is willing to slightly bend on some requirements. Also, it won't eliminate the emails she gets by people who don't even read her profile.

 

The delete email button is very handy.

[Sith Apprentice]

Online dating is a waste of time for most men. There's like a 10-1 ratio of males to females on some sites. Guys wind up just spamming dozens of women's inboxes each day hoping for a response without even reading their profiles. This is what I think is probably happening to you.

[TheLoneSock]

I thought I would look into online dating, so I registered and set up a profile etc, not planning to date right now but just wanted to see what was on offer. I'm a bit surprised at some of the people who've contacted me. I mean, I guess I should be grateful that anyone at all has expressed an interest, but the majority of people who've contacted me are so far away from what I'm looking for it's actually worrying.

 

For example: I'm not racist, but I really only find myself sexually attracted to Caucasian men, so I put that as a preference where the profile states what sort of guy I want to meet. Yet I've had messages from guys of all different ethnicities, who it seems haven't even bothered to read my profile. I also specified that I most definitely do not want any guys with kids, or guys who are divorced - it says that quite clearly in my profile, so why are these sort of guys still contacting me? Can people not read?

 

I also specified that I wanted a guy with at least bachelors or masters degree (I'd prefer a doctorate, since I'm a doctor, but I didn't want to be too picky). But numerous guys have messaged me and they list their education as "university of life" or "high school". Their hobbies are things like watching reality tv and drinking beer with their buddies, whereas mine are going to the opera and reading about Middle Eastern history. Do these guys really think we'll be compatible based on what they've read in my profile? Or have they just looked at my photos (I'm not bad looking) and decided to contact me without bothering to find out anything about me?

 

Which leads me to another issue - do people even assess whether the other person would be compatible/interested before they contact them? I'm in my early thirties, and I'm getting messages from guys who are 15-20 years my senior, and guys who don't really seem to have much to offer. Does a 45yr old unemployed guy really think a 30ish doctor is going to date him? Does a guy who is VERY unattractive and obese think a reasonably pretty woman is going to be interested in him? Why are these people contacting me if they don't expect me to be interested - or DO they expect me to be interested?

 

Now I'm worried about my own attractiveness and the type of guys I can attract - if these guys genuinely think I'll date them then I'm obviously extremely unattractive and have fewer prospects than I thought. I know I'm in my thirties, but I still have dark hair and no wrinkles (I often pass for being mid twenties); I work out and I have the same proportions as Cindy Crawford (just a couple of inches shorter); I have a decent career and I'm reasonably smart - am I not worthy of a decent guy who is somewhat smart, reasonably attractive, and doing ok in life?

 

The one thing that has made me feel good about myself is that quite a few younger guys have contacted me - guys aged 22-25 who, although they're a little too young for me, have made me feel a lot better by writing stuff like "Wow, you're hot - wanna go on a date?"

 

Here's a better question. What's a hot doctor in her mid thirties doing on a dating site anyway? I know you were just curious. But really, you are not going to find a hot doctor in his mid thirties on there.

 

I've heard good (atleast more good than bad) things about eharmony. I'd think that would be the only option someone of your caliber would take as far as online goes.

 

You will just have to live with the fact that you are going to be out of their league when it comes to %95 of the male population. *sigh* Lol

[thegreatmoose]

Here's a better question. What's a hot doctor in her mid thirties doing on a dating site anyway? I know you were just curious. But really, you are not going to find a hot doctor in his mid thirties on there.

For every female hot doctor on there, there's at least one male hot doctor. Remember, there's usually more males on these sites. The OP has stated that ok looking is good enough, so that should make it easier for her. As long as she's patient, deletes the many emails she will get from loser men and doesn't give up if some of her dates don't go well, she has a decent chance of finding a quality man. Add that to using other non online dating methods and her chances seem really good.

 

Who do you think the attractive successful males are looking for? Attractive successful females.

[b52s]

Online dating is a waste of time for most men. There's like a 10-1 ratio of males to females on some sites. Guys wind up just spamming dozens of women's inboxes each day hoping for a response without even reading their profiles. This is what I think is probably happening to you.

 

 

Exactly, what IS funny is, some of these guys who FIRST started online dating would read profiles carefully, create PERSONALIZED emails noting certain aspects of the woman's profile, nicely create an email ONLY to have it ignored or deleted.

 

Obviously, they just look at the picture go "ew" and don't even read the email.

 

That being said, these very men are probably now just taking the shot-gun approach, making a template email and just copying and pasting parts of it (adding on a couple of their own content to make it look like it ALL Of it was not copy/pasted)

 

And send it on off.

 

Why suffer a hand cramp over a woman you don't even know, right??