dedee Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I started dating this guy 6 months ago. I have fallen so much in love with him. I know he loves me too, because he tells me all the time. Here is a brief history of both of us, I was married for 8 years and my ex husband left me for another woman, I am white and I am not a skinny woman. He has lived a ruff life and never been married, he has an incredible body and he is black. He is not my first interracial relationship but this is his first interracial relationship. Now onto the situation - we live 1 hour apart and are only able to see each other on the weekends. He comes to see me every weekend and stays friday night thru sunday. We talk on the phone every day at least twice a day. He has left his old life and has no contact with old friends and his family. He is lonely, so his idea of curing his lonelyness was to get a computer. He watches a lot of porn (which I have no problem with) but he has also posted himself on dating websites. He told me about it and said is is just "talking ****" and I should understand. He has also given his phone number out on these sites. He says as long as he does not meet these people and he doesn't touch another woman that he is not cheating. Also when we go out to clubs, he allows women to touch him and dance with him even though he knows I don't like it. He said we should be having fun and I should trust him because at the end of the night he is going home with me. He says I have trust issues (which I know I do because of all the stuff I went through in previous relationships) and low self esteem. He says that he loves me so much and he loves my body and I have to loosen the strings. He says that he misses the club life but then he also says he doesn't want to live without me. Is this just a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too? Or am I justified in my paranoid behavior?
deux ex machina Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You are not paranoid. He says you have "trust issues" and "low self esteem"?!? Oh, that pisses me off. Dump his sorry ass.
Malenfant Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I started dating this guy 6 months ago. I have fallen so much in love with him. I know he loves me too, because he tells me all the time. Here is a brief history of both of us, I was married for 8 years and my ex husband left me for another woman, I am white and I am not a skinny woman. He has lived a ruff life and never been married, he has an incredible body and he is black. He is not my first interracial relationship but this is his first interracial relationship. Now onto the situation - we live 1 hour apart and are only able to see each other on the weekends. He comes to see me every weekend and stays friday night thru sunday. We talk on the phone every day at least twice a day. He has left his old life and has no contact with old friends and his family. He is lonely, so his idea of curing his lonelyness was to get a computer. He watches a lot of porn (which I have no problem with) but he has also posted himself on dating websites. He told me about it and said is is just "talking ****" and I should understand. He has also given his phone number out on these sites. He says as long as he does not meet these people and he doesn't touch another woman that he is not cheating. Also when we go out to clubs, he allows women to touch him and dance with him even though he knows I don't like it. He said we should be having fun and I should trust him because at the end of the night he is going home with me. He says I have trust issues (which I know I do because of all the stuff I went through in previous relationships) and low self esteem. He says that he loves me so much and he loves my body and I have to loosen the strings. He says that he misses the club life but then he also says he doesn't want to live without me. Is this just a case of him wanting his cake and eating it too? Or am I justified in my paranoid behavior? i dont think you're being paranoid, you're totally justified in not liking his behaviour. saying that you should trust him because he's going home to you at the end of the night is a total abuse of your feelings for him, its manipulating because its putting all the faults onto you for not trusting him, so bit by bit you start feeling insecure & needy, and all he does it tell you that that is your fault because you have trust issues! you're already doubting yourself because of the BS this guy is giving you. if you are a bit fragile and insecure, he should be doing all he can to assure you that he has your best interests at heart, and instead he's out grinding with other women!! in front of you!! he's taking advantage of your fragility so you'll take all the cr*p he's giving you. thats not how a person in true love behaves. anyone can say the three words, but his actions arent proving that he means them. the fact that you are unhappy with how he is behaving (and quite rightly so) should be enough for him to stop what he's doing. i bet anything that if you were out letting other men touch you he'd call you a whore etc. the dating site, giving out his number!! FFS this is not harmless. he's playing you for a fool. why does he say he misses the club life when he's still out there doing it? the reality is he's saying these things to make you feel bad about denying him his selfish pleasures. thats all part of making you feel low, and a person who feels low about themself will allow the other person to take advantage. In short he's grooming you to be the obedient women. give a little bit, then take more, thats what he's doing. before you know it you'll be putting up with all sorts of sh*t if you allow this to continue. you dont deserve that.
A O Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Or am I justified in my paranoid behavior? You are not paranoid, far from. When all is said and done, it's what matters to you not the other way around that's important. Myself, I wouldn't put up with this rubbish. .
torranceshipman Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 You're not paranoid at all - he is playing you for a complete fool and you'd be a doormat to put up with it. The only reason that I can possibly imagine that you would stay with a pig like this is if you are unbelivably lonely...in which case get on the dating sites again and find anoher guy to replace this one...
Boundary Problem Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Would you treat someone the way he is treating you? No. If your daughter was in the same position, would you want her dating him? Sometimes we make better choices for those we love than for ourselves.
Johnny M Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Here is a brief history of both of us, I was married for 8 years and my ex husband left me for another woman, I am white and I am not a skinny woman. He has lived a ruff life and never been married, he has an incredible body and he is black. He is not my first interracial relationship but this is his first interracial relationship. Black guy with a chubby white chick. How typical. Here's a hint: he's only dating you because he's never been with a white woman before. In the meanwhile, he's jacking off to interracial porn and searching for your replacement on dating sites. I'm sure I will be accused of being 'racist' for saying this, but sometimes the truth needs to be stated even if it makes people uncomfortable.
rina_r Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 He watches a lot of porn (which I have no problem with) but he has also posted himself on dating websites. He told me about it and said is is just "talking ****" and I should understand. He has also given his phone number out on these sites. He says as long as he does not meet these people and he doesn't touch another woman that he is not cheating. ? BS! This is called emotional cheating and it may hurt even more than physical. Get out of this mess asap!
Lucky_One Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 In my opinion, if a man truly loves you, then he does all that he can within his power to help you with trust issues or with your having a lower self-esteem; he doesn't justify his own hurtful behavior.
Malenfant Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 In my opinion, if a man truly loves you, then he does all that he can within his power to help you with trust issues or with your having a lower self-esteem; he doesn't justify his own hurtful behavior. My point exactly, only much more eloquent and to the point. Damn my ramblings! Seriously, this is the core reason why what he is doing is not right.
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