Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I've been getting approached and asked out fairly often, now that I'm back out there again. And I'm finding it difficult to decide how to narrow down the choices. I've never dated like this before, so it's all new to me. I run my own biz, am busy with my own activities and friends, and don't want to spend tons of my free time dating, so I want to be selective. Assuming a guy meets my initial criteria, which are something like: attractive to meintelligent, able to make good conversationdoesn't give off player vibemakes it easy on me (asks for my number, suggests getting together, etc.)seems to have a positive attitude, is warmseems emotionally open, not closed or cold ...does picking your best options come down to random luck, or is there some kind of strategy one can use?
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I started off with pretty much the same criteria as you, but after almost 2 years and less than half-a-dozen dates, I have recently changed my guidelines. I realized that when I walked around and looked at guys, I thought several were far more attractive in person than a photograph might have presented. So if a guy presents himself IN WORDS on his profile and in emails, I take into account that he might not have taken a good picture and I give him more of a chance. I do immediately dismiss guys who only communicate in "txt spk" or Twitterisms -- if they can't talk to me in complete sentences, I don't have the patience for them. I also dismiss guys who want me to come to them. I chatted with a guy for six or eight emails and he wanted me to come to his work for lunch (an hour+ on public transportation). I declined. The emotionally opened thing is tricky; they might be married...
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 I've never done online dating, so I'm talking about meeting people in person. I try to get the best read on them in the first few minutes, but of course they are all trying to charm in those moments, so I find it hard narrow them down.
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I've never done online dating, so I'm talking about meeting people in person. I try to get the best read on them in the first few minutes, but of course they are all trying to charm in those moments, so I find it hard narrow them down. Ah, well I'm self-employed so I haven't had any success meeting people in person! I really need to figure out how to get out more without going to bars...
sally4sara Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Are you asking for others "no" list? Like mine would be: No frat boys, current or otherwise. No cops. No alcoholics even if they're dry. No obese. No devouts. No W.O.W. (or similar) No guys who say "girls are always falling for me; don't you fall for me" or other mind game phrases. No guys who try to impress with money. Uninvolved with any kids they might have Trash talk their moms and/or ex No bar brawlers No ghetto fab (tricked out car, all the gamer electronics but barely pay their bills) No body builders (juicers) Use of the term "hottie" without irony Has a facebook/myspace with pic of him shirtless and posing Isn't all about astrology or trippy new age stuff Big ICP fans Maxim subscribers This list helps me avoid the commonalities I found in guys who didn't meet my initial criteria
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 I'm self-employed, too, and am kind of a homebody. The interest has been coming at me mostly in non-meet market situations -- on the train, out and about in the middle of the day, sometimes hanging out with friends at a low-key bar. I haven't yet done anything to try to meet guys. Just seems to be happening. And it's cool, but a little overwhelming, too.
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 The emotionally opened thing is tricky; they might be married.. Sorry for the intrusion, but what does this mean?
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Sorry for the intrusion, but what does this mean? Online, there are guys who want to start talking about their feelings and emotions right off the bat -- three out of four times (for me) it turned out they were married and looking for an outlet for their feelings and emotions which they were not expressing at home. I'm now always wary about a guy who immediately wants to start talking about his feelings via emails, before we've even met...
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 sally, I agree with your list, and I have a question about this one: No guys who try to impress with money. I can imagine cases in which this would be very obvious, but I wasn't so sure with the last guy I dated. He talked about his very wealthy parents (in a criticizing way, mostly), and he was kind of a big spender on dates -- but nothing too crazy. He was dropping little hints about things he wanted to get me for Christmas, his favorite beach he wanted to take me on a trip to, etc. I couldn't tell if this was him being sweet and genuine, or if he was trying to hook me with the promise of gifts and trips. But it did kind of make me wonder. I have had men come right out and tell me they want to "take care" of me in the past, as an obvious ploy to buy my affection, but it wasn't so clear with this guy. Any opinion?
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Online, there are guys who want to start talking about their feelings and emotions right off the bat -- three out of four times (for me) it turned out they were married and looking for an outlet for their feelings and emotions which they were not expressing at home. Thanks. I was a bit confused by the OP because I assumed she was talking only about real life encounters and then emotional openness being a negative. OK, back to lurking
sally4sara Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 sally, I agree with your list, and I have a question about this one: I can imagine cases in which this would be very obvious, but I wasn't so sure with the last guy I dated. He talked about his very wealthy parents (in a criticizing way, mostly), and he was kind of a big spender on dates -- but nothing too crazy. He was dropping little hints about things he wanted to get me for Christmas, his favorite beach he wanted to take me on a trip to, etc. I couldn't tell if this was him being sweet and genuine, or if he was trying to hook me with the promise of gifts and trips. But it did kind of make me wonder. I have had men come right out and tell me they want to "take care of me" in the past, as an obvious ploy to buy my affection, but it wasn't so clear with this guy. Any opinion? I found flashy guys to be married, over compensating for what I wouldn't be getting in the relationship, or having a low opinion of women (the belief that money was a woman's language) in general. Even if these reasons were not the whole motive, it spoke of a management of finances I don't want for myself. While a trip to a beach is more my taste it isn't because I find value in living fat. I just value experiences over possessions. And if your goal s a serious relationship, how you see the guy manage his money should matter. They say money is one of the biggest argument subjects between couples. In my marriage we fought about the reason why we were broke (his drinking). That isn't really arguing over money IMO, but it is the closest to arguing about money I've ever been involved in. My current partner and I have never even once had this subject be a problem because our styles are the same. So if you live fat, that item on my list might not apply to you. My point is only to find a guy who manages money in a way that doesn't make you uneasy.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 My point is only to find a guy who manages money in a way that doesn't make you uneasy. I didn't know him well enough yet to see how he managed his money. What made me wonder is that he subtly expressed some concern that he wouldn't measure up, and also mentioned things he wanted to buy me and things he wanted to do for me that were not cheap (trips, etc.). Maybe he was just being sweet and sincere, but maybe he was trying to hook me with money and material things. But what I'm really trying to figure out is how to narrow down a list of, say, 5-10 potential dates to just 2 or 3, just going on the first introductions. Any advice?
eiithan Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 - political orientation - religious orientation - age (or "on the same page of life") - intelligence - types of literature he reads mostly - manners/way of speech - he is what he eats (no offense but vegetarian/vegan will have a hard time with me) - a definite no to homophobic/racists. - overly outdoor lover's lifestyle won't agree with mine. In short, I screen by my life beliefs/important habits.
Isolde Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Honestly, as long as all the guys seemed dateable enough, I wouldn't turn down any dates. The more people you go out with, the better chance of meeting someone you like. It's that simple. Many women hardly ever get approached in real life, so you have a good opportunity here. Why not just make the first date really quick like coffee?
sally4sara Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 What made me wonder is that he subtly expressed some concern that he wouldn't measure up Ooooh! Yeah worst guy I ever got hung up on! He said that early on and I was so not concerned with anyone becoming serious with me I just didn't examine the implications of that statement at the time. But it was the thing I immediately remembered at the end of our associations. "Well he did SAY eventually I would realize he wasn't so great as I first thought." He was totally not kidding even though I assumed he was kidding in the moment. I guess some advise would be to really listen to your gut. Always always, the writing was on the wall from go. Often, I told myself I was just being paranoid because my marriage and childhood had been so rotten and I possibly didn't know what normal was. Oh but I did know what wasn't normal; I just hadn't learned to trust myself yet. It always took the form of a statement or action that stood out for a moment longer than any of their other statements or actions. I'd have a pause, a WTF was THAT reaction in my head. I started crossing them off when these things happened even if there was a semi possible justification. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt the first time I took one of those moments and acted upon it immediately. The guy started asking me what I wanted to go do next and I told him "nothing". He began talking about some place we should go to and I just told him I'd rather not. "ever?" he asked "Yup." "Why?" He'd accidentally locked his keys in his truck and the rate with which I saw his temper flare upon discovering what had happened, was scary. He caught himself and choked it down when he saw me eyeballing him. We were near the house of a friend of mine, so I asked him to just let me out there. I'm sure he thought I was over reacting but I don't give a damn. It felt true and wise and I later got to find out how right I was through the grapevine. I've never caved to self doubt in this kind of situation since. Speak your mind always cuz who the eff are these folk to you as yet? Meh, it remains to be seen but I guarantee you none of them are worth hiding any part of you for sure. So shake them up, see how they react, discuss things that are important to you in an abstract sense and see where they stand on these issues.
sally4sara Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Honestly, as long as all the guys seemed dateable enough, I wouldn't turn down any dates. The more people you go out with, the better chance of meeting someone you like. It's that simple. Many women hardly ever get approached in real life, so you have a good opportunity here. Why not just make the first date really quick like coffee? Try approaching the ones YOU find interesting instead of wasting the time of ones you didn't even notice that get around to asking you. THAT really saves time!
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