Why can't I find a good woman?

[Nick883]

I suppose this is a companion piece to a similar thread that's been discussed recently at great length.

 

I'm a 28 year old male and I've never been in love. I consider myself the living embodiment of the first verse of Smokey Robinson's "Tracks of my tears." Google that if you're not sure what I'm talking about.

 

I've wanted a steady girlfriend since I was five years old. I've had stomach-butterflies, warm feelings, loyalty and strong affection for people in my life, but never love.

 

I've done lots of other stuff, though. I served in the military and was stationed in strange, interesting, and sometimes terrifying places. I've spent nearly half of my twenties living overseas. I'm attending college, where I'm consistently ranked at or near the top of my class. Last week, I had a one-on-one evaluation with my professor of the subject I'm majoring in, and he told me, with the door closed, that I had the most talent out of the entire class, and that he would offer me a paid position at the college if I stuck around for awhile. I'm financially stable, with a nice nest egg in the bank and a well-paying job just waiting for me to come back onboard. I'm tall, outwardly confident and well-groomed with a toned body that I'm proud of, and I have a sense of what's fashionable and what's not. I've got a great circle of friends that I am immensely thankful for and I'm in great health.

 

I'm not here to give you my resume, I just want to demonstrate that I'm not the Comic Book Store Guy from "The Simpsons."

 

One common piece of boilerplate advice I always hear is that I should "pursue my interests and lead an interesting life, and women will be attracted to you." Gosh, thanks. I've NEVER tried that. Sarcasm over.

 

Have I had any experiences with women? Absolutely. I've had my fair share of flings, dreamy weekends and such, both here at home and in foreign lands, but nothing that ever amounted to anything long-term and solid. I've gone on dates with strippers and models in addition to paralegals and accountants. I date regularly - the reason I'm in tonight is because my date cancelled, but I have another blind date tomorrow night (set up through a mutual friend).

 

There are perhaps some deeper psychological issues here (father left at an early age and all that), but other guys have had far worse childhoods than mine and been far more successful at romance. Perhaps this isn't the most appropriate analogy to use, but when I consider my love life, I'm reminded of the scene in "Rain Man" where Dustin Hoffman can compute complex mathematics in his head, yet he doesn't know how much a candy bar costs.

 

Maybe I just need to be completely torn down to the foundation and built back up brick by brick, like they did in boot camp ten years ago. In lieu of that, however, I'm open to advice. What the hell am I doing wrong?

Edited November 11, 2009 by Nick883

[Cobra_X]

Maybe I just need to be completely torn down to the foundation and built back up brick by brick, like they did in boot camp ten years ago. In lieu of that, however, I'm open to advice. What the hell am I doing wrong?

 

Whats your goal? Are you looking to get married and start a family... ect?

 

Nick, I can tell you it took me years and years to find someone worthwhile, because even if you find the right girl, sometimes the timing is bad.

 

I firmly believe it's partially a numbers game, combined with how savvy you are regarding the opposite sex.

 

Do you have issues getting second dates?

 

In regards to getting first dates... I can tell you that sometimes pride will get in the way. I've had women cancel on me 3 times in a row, then on the 4th try she finds I'm awesome. I'm saying this because you sound like me. When I had a cancellation typically my attitude was eff her then! Most women value persistence.... though not the creepy or pathetic type.

 

Anyways... it's tough out there. I wish you luck.

[boogieboy]

Youve mentioned NOTHING about what happened on these dates. Either youre doing something to turn these women off, or NONE of them are a good match, which is hard to believe, if youre dating that much. What kind of interactions happen on these dates?

[miss_sapphire]

Maybe you're too picky???

[lucy9216]

Youve mentioned NOTHING about what happened on these dates. Either youre doing something to turn these women off, or NONE of them are a good match, which is hard to believe, if youre dating that much. What kind of interactions happen on these dates?

 

I was thinking the same thing, what happened with your dates that made you decide that these girls are not worth anything long term with you?

[Nick883]

Youve mentioned NOTHING about what happened on these dates. Either youre doing something to turn these women off, or NONE of them are a good match, which is hard to believe, if youre dating that much. What kind of interactions happen on these dates?

 

Good point. I'll summarize two of them:

 

Ellen: Very nice and pretty girl I knew in high school, though highly religious. One year older than me. We watch movies at her house and meet again three weeks ago to see a movie in the theatre. Bar-hop afterwards, with her not drinking because she's a Mormon. Get back to my house, watch "The Princess Bride" rather than "Sideways" because she doesn't watch R-Rated movies, either. This is strange, because she was more than willing to watch "Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom." It's rated PG, yet it features people getting shot, stabbed, and burned alive, as well as being crushed, torn apart by alligators and having their hearts pulled from their chest cavities. She was fine to watch all that, but she won't watch "Sideways," which is rated "R," yet shows only brief nudity and a short fight along with couple of f-bombs. Sheesh.

 

What happened? Halfway through "Princess Bride", we're slowly initiating physical contact, and when it's over, she totally jumps me. Enjoys making out furiously, but nothing further than that for religious reasons. Wasn't there a commandment in there somewhere about "Thou shalt not inflict blueballs on thy date?" We put our shirts back on, drive back to her house, kiss some more, and I go home. I received a text the next morning saying that we shouldn't go so fast next time.

 

Will I see her in the future? As a friend, probably. As a potential girlfriend? Unlikely. Our worldviews are far too different, and I'm not waiting until marriage to have sex. Maybe I should sign her up for Richard Dawkins' newsletter.

 

-------------------------------

 

Miranda: This girl works in the same building as my mother. Very smart and outgoing. Just graduated from college last year with her Master's and moved here for a job.

 

What happened? I had three dates with her. The first time, back when she was new in town, I took her to all of my favorite bars, introduced her to my friends and alternated between a trendy dance spot and a punk rock show. Fun times. Afterwards, walked back to her car, parted with a hug.

 

Second date: Three weeks later. She's busy and travels a lot. We're supposed to meet downtown for an art show but she won't answer calls. Finally she calls around 10:00 PM and says that she was having a long talk with her father, asks if I want to come over and watch a movie. Sure I do. We watch "The Wrestler" and get halfway through it before our fingers touch, and then we're holding hands, and then snuggling, and then... yeah. I think we finally fell asleep around 5:00 AM. Busy night.

 

Wake up at noon, take a long, romantic shower together, get dressed. Have discussion about how we're both single and still browsing, but agree to see each other again soon to go see "Zombieland" in the near future.

 

Four weeks pass. Busy indeed. She doesn't respond to more than 25% of texts I send.

 

Third date: "Zombieland" is no longer in theatres, and I've had two other dates at this point with other people, plus school is busy. I pass her on the street, say "hi," and just keep walking. I get text that night saying "I haven't called because I'm not sure of my plans - is that why you didn't stop to talk?" I tell her that I was busy filming a commercial that afternoon (true). I text later that night asking if she wants to go see "Men who stare at goats" and she responds immediately that she would like to, and asks what show we should see. We agree on 10PM showing.

 

Last friday: We meet at bar at 9:30 and she's there with friends from work, one of whom is a 38-year-old woman who we'll call "Natalie." Natalie is an obnoxious attention whore who is physically attractive but repulsive in many other ways. I'm there with Miranda, and everyone else there is a couple as well, which leaves Natalie the odd woman out. She compensates by being loud and overzealous, running up to young men at the bar and asking them to smack her on the ass. Great, now walk back towards our table so that everyone sees that we're with you. At least we're leaving soon. We leave. Movie is sold out. Crap. Head back to bar. Natalie is still there. It's interesting how, despite the way she looks, no men are approaching her to initiate conversations. Maybe they're more intuitive than we give them credit for.

 

Natalie is passive-aggressive all night, dragging Miranda off into distant corners of the bar and setting up the social circle so as to exclude me. I go to bar to get drink and return - Natalie turns to me, in contrived outrage, and sneers "You went to the bar and didn't ask what WE wanted?!"

 

At this point, I'm supposed to apologize profusely and offer liquid reparations. I don't do this anymore.

 

"Sorry, I'm not one of those guys who's going to kiss your ass and try to buy your approval. What have you done for me lately?"

 

After this, Natalie decides I'm a threat to her being the center of attention and doubles her efforts. Miranda is indifferent and hasn't engaged me much the entire time. She seems distant, though her and Natalie are giving each other the "OMFG, WE'RE LIKE BEST FRIENDZZZ!!!!" treatment the entire night, and she says that she'll be hanging out with Natalie all night. Terrific. I just smirk and decide to walk to the other side of the room, where my friends are shooting pool. I tell Miranda where I'm going to be and she says she'll be over in a bit. I'm starting to lose interest.

 

Thirty minutes later, she comes over. I'm having an animated, energetic conversation with my friend's girlfriend, who is quite attractive. Miranda comes over and tells me that they're going to another bar. I just smile and say "No thanks. Goodnight." She turns and walks out without a word.

 

Will I see her again? Highly doubt it. Maybe this wasn't meant to be more than a one-night thing. You are judged by the company you keep.

 

-------------------------

 

Those are two very different girls, but it's a small sample of what I've been engaging in lately. It's been interesting, at least.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Nick883

[lucy9216]

First girl seems nice, but probably toooo nice for your taste and the second girl is obviously looking for more of a party than a relationship. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, just keep doing what your doing and the right girl will come along. I know you have heard this before and I am still waiting for the right guy myself and I am 29 but don't settle for less than what you deserve.

 

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

— Marilyn Monroe

[Lucky555]

It sounds like you may just have to meet more people. I myself have a lot going for me and I always seem to find a guy who isn't all that he says he is. The guys I have seen in the past were just the fun guys where there isn't going to be a long term relationship. It sounds like you are goal orientated and know what you want. Sometimes it seems like I settle for guys just because I can't find the right one.

Maybe you can think of your "standards"... what will you put up with and what won't you put up with? Just remember no one is perfect. I myself have to remind myself of this every now and then in order to date around.

 

At first I thought maybe I was meeting the wrong guys because of the setting I was in a bar or at work seemed to be the common theme. However, lately I met a guy at the gym but I know hes not long term material.

 

Its tough but I hope you find what you are looking for. If you see something you like though give it a chance and never give up.

[Nick883]

What won't I put up with? A few things.

 

Cell phones. I actually pulled the plug on a first date after this. If you're with someone face-to-face, especially if it's someone you're hoping to leave with a good impression of you, the cell phone should be used scarcely, if at all.

 

An example? Sure, I have one.

 

Monica: Monica is two years older than me, born in France, and very beautiful and toned. A total gym-rat who still knows how to dress up like Marilyn Monroe. Fluent in three languages and well-read.

 

Our first date went terrific. Restaurant was overbooked, so we had a long drive across town to get to another one, during which time we had a long, pleasant, getting-to-know-you convo that we both enjoyed. Dinner went well - decided to go back to her apartment to bake cookies and watch a movie (are you seeing a pattern here?). Bake cookies, watch movie, kiss passionately, move into bedroom. She's very tired and I choose not to pursue sex, but we kiss and engage in heavy petting before falling asleep.

 

We wake up next morning, take shower, and her phone rings. It's from her family overseas. She starts talking, and keeps talking. For over an hour.

 

It's not a serious convo, like "Your Uncle Phillipe has had an accident and he's on life support." It's a fun, lighthearted, laugh-filled conversation that is NOT serious, but it IS all in French. I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I go into the living room and read magazines, thinking she'll wrap it up and come out for breakfast. She comes out eventually, still on phone, giving no signs of ending the convo. After another 20 minutes, she finally looks over and says "This might take awhile. If you need to leave, you can."

 

I did, feeling slightly miffed. As I stated above, I HATE being "put on hold" when I'm actually physically sitting there with the other person. I consider it highly rude and would never do it to anyone I was with. I'm aware that it was an overseas call, but thanks to technology, calling overseas is NOT that big of a deal anymore. My ex called me twice this week from Germany. It's not a precarious process or a rare luxury anymore, people.

 

I haven't talked to her since. She hasn't called either. I don't know if we would have worked out anyway. So it goes.

[Lucky555]

I quickly skimmed this. I think you are getting too detailed here. I have a suggestion.. get a breath of fresh air. I'm not saying dating is always going to go right. Now in the instance of this lady using the cell phone did you express to her that you feel neglected and that you want to spend time with her? Are you communicating your needs? Remember no one is a mind reader and communication is key. Don't just write someone off because they talked on the phone too long, unless they do it a lot after the fact that you expressed your feelings about it.

 

If you find something annoying about someone, see if you can handle it or state your concern with it to the person.

 

I hope this helps. It sounds like you have had some awful situations and I hope you find someone who makes you laugh because after reading this you sound frustrated and way too serious!

 

Start having fun and enjoy the company of someone but do find out what they want out of the relationship! If the person isn't looking for long term then its not going to happen that is why this part is important.

 

Try to erase and forget about your bad experiences and proceed to the into the future with a happier outlook!

 

Even though I have some bad experiences I just keep going because I know what i want and I hope someday i find it. I know that becoming frustrated won't solve it and neither will crying over it do the trick.

 

Just keep doing what your doing, be open, honest, a gentleman, and communicate your concerns or needs to the other person.

 

It sounds easier said then done but maybe there is a chance it might work out someday!

 

 

What won't I put up with? A few things.

 

Cell phones. I actually pulled the plug on a first date after this. If you're with someone face-to-face, especially if it's someone you're hoping to leave with a good impression of you, the cell phone should be used scarcely, if at all.

 

An example? Sure, I have one.

 

Monica: Monica is two years older than me, born in France, and very beautiful and toned. A total gym-rat who still knows how to dress up like Marilyn Monroe. Fluent in three languages and well-read.

 

Our first date went terrific. Restaurant was overbooked, so we had a long drive across town to get to another one, during which time we had a long, pleasant, getting-to-know-you convo that we both enjoyed. Dinner went well - decided to go back to her apartment to bake cookies and watch a movie (are you seeing a pattern here?). Bake cookies, watch movie, kiss passionately, move into bedroom. She's very tired and I choose not to pursue sex, but we kiss and engage in heavy petting before falling asleep.

 

We wake up next morning, take shower, and her phone rings. It's from her family overseas. She starts talking, and keeps talking. For over an hour.

 

It's not a serious convo, like "Your Uncle Phillipe has had an accident and he's on life support." It's a fun, lighthearted, laugh-filled conversation that is NOT serious, but it IS all in French. I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I go into the living room and read magazines, thinking she'll wrap it up and come out for breakfast. She comes out eventually, still on phone, giving no signs of ending the convo. After another 20 minutes, she finally looks over and says "This might take awhile. If you need to leave, you can."

 

I did, feeling slightly miffed. As I stated above, I HATE being "put on hold" when I'm actually physically sitting there with the other person. I consider it highly rude and would never do it to anyone I was with. I'm aware that it was an overseas call, but thanks to technology, calling overseas is NOT that big of a deal anymore. My ex called me twice this week from Germany. It's not a precarious process or a rare luxury anymore, people.

 

I haven't talked to her since. She hasn't called either. I don't know if we would have worked out anyway. So it goes.

[Sam Spade]

Because you're thinking too much --> you're so immersed in your awesomness, that it is very hard to establish meaningful relationships . Entitlement can creep into all of us . I used to be (somewhat) like that but it didn't get me anywhere, so I focused on the cute girl in front of me instead:love:..

[LUCH]

K man plain and simple bro. Im in grade 11 and you dont think that i can give you the information needed to satisfy your need but listen. What a girl wants is something beyond all of us. What you need to do is stop being a pussy and look on the bright side up things. Be a man and step up to the plate when given a chance. Now you ask. What does that mean? well it means dont be afraid to get hit by the ball (get turned down or find the girl that doesnt satisfy you). I say you swing at any pitch thats thrown your way and sooner or later you'll find that one pitch (special someone) that youll knock out of the park.

How does this relate to baseball it doesnt man. you just gotta have no repect and no regrets.

[Nick883]

Haha - did a high school junior just call an ex-Infantryman a pussy? Might wanna rethink that...

 

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Another date tomorrow at 9PM. We'll see what happens.

[boogieboy]

Hey Nick, how are you meeting women like Miranda and Ellen?

[PinkToes]

This is why I don't 'date' until I've already got an interest in someone. Blind dates and going out just to get to know someone can be a prescription for disaster. You're hoping there will be a spark, but you don't know for sure. You hope you're compatible, but you've already got a list in your head of what compatible looks like. It's a loaded situation, because the odds are against anything working out with someone you just met. That's the simple math of the situation.

 

If you're already attracted to someone, or intrigued, or whatever, the laundry list of stuff -- even the annoying habits -- don't carry so much weight. It's why biology invented infatuation, so we'll hook up with someone and reproduce before we realize the butterflies don't last. And we will overlook a lot for someone who really sparks our interest.

 

Unless you've already got something like that going on with someone, the date is going to feel like an audition, where both of you are keeping score and hoping it all adds up in the end.

 

So my suggestion is actually that you might consider dating less. Strike up conversations with women you find attractive, to see if there's anything there. Save the dating for when you're actually interested in someone before the date. And I don't mean in the sense that they're datable, but that you can't wait to spend time with them.

 

And beyond that, the only thing I would suggest is that you give it time. We all have different paths toward love, and none of them are wrong, but some take longer than others. Good luck to you.

[DanielMadr]

Basicaly man, I'm afraid many of us are sentenced to date girls we don't like that much but they love us. Once you encounter a girl you might love...you start to care and therefore make "mistakes" like showing it or caring and it is over - she moved to another guy just to be sure she wont marry down - when someone loves her more than she does him - it is marrying down.

 

So do it like the rest of guys before. Get drunk. Make some lucky girl pregnant, marry her and enjoy the ride.

 

Let me know when it changes.

[Ody]

What the hell am I doing wrong?

 

Nothing, I think. Great date stories. I wish I had some advice, and I wish I didn't have / have heard many date stories just like yours. For what it's worth, you're not the only one with this feeling. You sound exactly like my best friend (this is a compliment).

Edited November 14, 2009 by Ody

[DanielMadr]

Nothing, I think. Great date stories. I wish I had some advice, and I wish I didn't have / have heard many date stories just like yours. For what it's worth, you're not the only one with this feeling. You sound exactly like my best friend (this is a compliment).

 

Are we fAcked?