Monetigerlily Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Okay, I'm back again for more advice from you wise folks here on LS. I've been seeing this guy for 3 months now and I definitely have developed feelings for him. We're exclusive and we spend most weekends together, as I live 200 miles away from him. I've met his family and his best friends. So what's the problem you may ask? Well, his cousin introduced me to his wife as K's girlfriend. I later asked my guy if I was his GF and he told me he doesn't like terms like that, it's too "high school" for his taste. He said I'm a very good friend. WTF?! Now, I wasn't expecting an engagement ring after 3 months and all but come on, at least admit I'm your girlfriend! His Facebook status says single too! He calls me everyday, usually twice a day, and we talk for 30 minutes to an hour everyday. I asked him what he's looking for in a relationship and he said he wants to eventually settle down and get married (he's 42 and never married). I asked him if he could see a future with me and he said yes. I don't like to voice my insecurities to him because he's told me he "likes me a lot" and that I "have nothing to worry about." He also told me I'm too sensitive. I know he's a typical guy who doesn't like to talk about feelings so I try not to pressure him too much, but I'd like to know where I stand. He does reassure me when I talk to him about it though, which is a comfort. I guess I just want to know where I stand without seeming too needy and clingy and pushing him away. His actions show me he cares for me, so I know I should just relax and see where this R goes. I suppose I'm looking for a timeline. I want things to progress but I'm not exactly sure where we go from here. I really like this guy and I want a R with him. What can I do to move things along from this point?
carhill Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Well, with your bid line being pretty aggressive over the holidays and with those typical family attentions of such times, maybe it's time for him to miss you a bit. I've found, in the past, with women I love, that dearth imbues want in the heart, which spurs actions, santa suits and teddy bears with rings Just sayin'
melodymatters Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 (edited) I feel for you, a bit akward. I guess if it were me, and it was three months and we were sexually intimate, I would ASK, if we were exclusive. ( Never had to do this before, they usually volunteered the info and asked ME, and I wouldn't be sexually intimate before that was established) IF the answer is yes, then I guess whatever you call it doesn't matter. If you don't feel comfortable broaching that subject, thats not a good sign. Any more details to add ? PS. OOPS ! Just saw that you ARE exculsive ! I guess then YOU can refer to it however you want, and he can do the same. For NOW ! Edited November 11, 2009 by melodymatters misread
Author Monetigerlily Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Oh yes, we are exclusive! I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, he said no and I believe him. Funnily enough, in the beginning of our R he was the "insecure" one: I went out to dinner with a platonic male friend and he got jealous! "Are you hedging your bets?" he asked me. I assured him I wasn't. I guess the Facebook thing set me off today. I went in to write a message on his wall and he status is listed as single! He just joined 2 weeks ago, so it's not like it's been on there since before we met! I should've written "I love you sooooooo much pumpkin, I can't wait to get married and have your babies" but I wrote "Happy Veteran's Day" instead (he's a former Marine). Yes Carhill, we're both very busy this month! He's going to Key West this weekend, I'm working next weekend, he's going to Boston for Thanksgiving and I'm going to San Diego the following weekend, so we won't have the chance to see each other very much. He just moved into a new house this past weekend so I haven't seen him since we spent a romantic weekend in Miami Beach weekend before last. The problem is that I miss him too when we're apart! He invited me to come down next Monday and Tuesday when I'm off work, so maybe I'll do that. Sigh. I guess I just get unsure when we're apart. I know absence makes the heart grow fonder but sometimes it's difficult to focus on the good times. I just hope it's not a case of "out of sight, out of mind!"
crazy_grl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) Is it really that important to you that he label you his girlfriend? Or is it that you believe because he doesn't want to that he's not committed to you? If so, why? He's told you he's exclusive and he sees a future with you. Do you not believe him? That being said, if the label is important to you, then just tell him that. You don't have to demand to be called his gf. Just explain to him that you know he doesn't like labels, and you realize it's a silly technicality, but you'd feel more comfortable calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. If he really cares for you, he'll have no problem accommodating. After all, it's just a label. As for Facebook, if he just joined, he likely hasn't learned all the features and might not have even thought about setting his status. Or he's a private person and thinks it's nobody else's business. People always comment on those things and it's so annoying. In my opinion, that's very minor and this is too new of a relationship to be announcing it to the world via social networking. Edited November 12, 2009 by crazy_grl
Author Monetigerlily Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Hmmm, I guess it's not a dealbreaker that he won't label me his "GF," I guess it just lead me to question his intentions toward me. That's when I asked him what he wanted out of a R and if he could see that happening with me. He told me he could and I believe him, I've called him my BF to my friends and I guess I was taken aback when he wouldn't reciprocate. Yes, he's a very private person, he has a bare bones FB account and he only joined to share pics of his trip to Germany with a friend who's deployed in Iraq. I don't have any R status on my FB, but I'd change it to in a relationship if he asked me to. I don't have a problem telling people we're together. I know I'm not a secret; I've met his friends and some of his family, and the ones I haven't met know about me, so it's not like he's ashamed of me or anything (I hope!). I just wonder if we can progress if he won't call me his GF? I don't want to a his "very good friend" forever! I know I have to be patient and let things unfold, but it's hard as we're in a LDR so we can't see each other whenever we want to. I wonder if things progress more slowly in these relationships than they do in a traditional R?
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Seems to me more transparency is healthy in a LTR, considering the lack of consistent face time. I personally think many things will be more clear after the holidays
Author Monetigerlily Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Carhill, you're a guy...what's my guy thinking?! I hope we're still together after the holidays, I somehow doubt a ring is in my immediate future, unfortunately! He's a typical guy (he called himself a "caveman") so talking about feelings isn't exactly his strong suit. I got really upset about 6 weeks into our R and I ended up crying and asking him if he still cared for me. He got teary too and told me he likes me a lot, I just wish he'd tell me more often. It's nice to hear sometimes!
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 If I was your guy, I'd be thinking I'd like to be flying NRSA on your buddy pass This clearly expresses a proactive interest in shrinking the distance and increasing intimacy. If the guy is ambivalent, accept that. If his actions aren't backing up his words, accept that. Don't concern yourself with what he's thinking, rather with what you want out of this LDR. If you're not getting it, and he's adequately disclosed, move on. I'm a poster boy for spending way too much time and energy on unhealthy relationships, so, if I'm saying to consider moving on if your needs aren't being met, it's because my instincts are now telling me that from failures in ignoring those instincts in the past.
aerogurl87 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Carhill, you're a guy...what's my guy thinking?! I hope we're still together after the holidays, I somehow doubt a ring is in my immediate future, unfortunately! He's a typical guy (he called himself a "caveman") so talking about feelings isn't exactly his strong suit. I got really upset about 6 weeks into our R and I ended up crying and asking him if he still cared for me. He got teary too and told me he likes me a lot, I just wish he'd tell me more often. It's nice to hear sometimes! I feel ya on that one. I wish my boyfriend would tell me he missed me, was glad to have me, etc. alot more too. But you know what? You can't change a guy no matter how hard you try. You might can get him to change for a bit but he'll always revert back to his true self after awhile if the behaviour you want isn't who he is naturally. So then you gotta decide on whether or not you want to stay and just deal with it, or leave and try to find someone else who does the things you with your boyfriend did. In my case, I choose to stay because although my boyfriend doesn't do all those sweet little things I wish he'd do, when I weigh the pros against the cons, the pros always exceed the cons tremendously. So for me that's enough to stay, but you gotta decide if it's worth it for you.
Author Monetigerlily Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Carhill, I'm very impressed that you remembered I'm a flight attendant from the thread I posted last year. Ugh, what a nightmare that turned into! Anyway, I know what I want from our R and he seems to be in agreement (i.e, a long-term future together) so I guess I'll have to be patient and see how things play out. He's offered to come up to visit me, but since my airline doesn't fly from my city to his he can't use my buddy passes. Aerogirl, I read your thread recently about guys showing emotions and I kept thinking "My gosh, I could've written this myself." I think you and I are in similar situations! I'm not asking for love poems and declarations of his love everytime we talk, but if I tell him I miss him he'll respond in kind. I guess I'm not used to initiating the lovey-dovey stuff all the time, as I'm not a hugely romantic girl myself. Since I'm not the romantic type either, he must really be a caveman for me to notice his reluctance to show his feelings. Sadintexas, you are so right of course, actions speak louder than words and I'm trying to keep repeating that to myself when I start to doubt him. His best friend introduced me to some others as "K's girlfriend" and that made me feel good, since they are like brothers and he would know him better than anyone else. I know, I know, don't sweat the small stuff right! You've all been so helpful with your advice, I really appreciate your thoughts! Thanks again.
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