tlind Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I apologize in advance for this lengthy beginning, but need to get everything out and get outside perspective. So here is my situation. A few months ago, 4 to be exact, I told my best friends sister, we'll call her Megan that I had "feelings" for her. I've had them for a long time, they just stayed buried and went away for a long time (I'm 26, she's 21, and she also at the time and to this day has a boyfriend - I never tried to cause ****, I just wanted her to know and do it for myself, and even told her as much. I've never felt this way about any other girl, and I've known her and her family for over 10 years, and started developing feelings when she was probably 15/16). I told her brother a few months ago, and he was pleasantly surprised and said I should tell her, but to not expect anything, and that it will be a good thing she knows. Anyways, I told her in person, she seemed to take it pretty well smiling a lot, but she never really told me one way or another how she felt about me, all she said was "I have a boyfriend" to which I replied "I know, that's not why I said it. We did talk about it a bit, but how she felt was never told to me." Now her older brother, we'll call him George/my best friend wants me to date her, and her parents have been nicer towards me ever since I told their daughter how I felt, even her boyfriend is nicer towards me? The only thing is she acted a little cold towards me after that (offhand remarks meant to hurt, doors slamming, avoiding eye contact, conversation, her mom is even trying to have us avoid each other, even though she's nicer to me). I know that her behavior is mainly due to one night about a week after I told her, where me and a semi-friend, we'll call him Paul/she dated him for two months many years ago, went out for a few drinks. I was a few drinks in when the "friend" started asking me questions, and in my drunken ways started answering them without the "red light flashing, or the stop sign showing up." So needless to say, I delved a little deep into my feelings, and made some jokes that were a little mean, (but only meant to get a laugh, guy humor (the John Mayer song - "My Stupid Mouth" comes to mind here) trust me I've learnt my lesson on "loose lips", and drinking around the wrong people)) to which he turned around and supposedly told her everything I said, shoved a knife into my back, and pushed me into the hole I dug. Anyways her brother assures me that she doesn't hate me, is just mad. But at the same time he tells me "You probably know this already, now I don't know if you had a chance with Megan, but if you did, whatever Paul said pretty much ruined that chance, because he broke guy code." Now I already felt really bad about digging a hole, but why rub salt into the wounds to? It was bugging me a great deal so I sent a text 2-3 months after the fact asking about it scared s***less that she wouldn't respond...but she did. The jist of everything we exchanged is: She's sorry I'm stressing out over it, Paul's a jerk and she doesn't believe things he said to her because he switches words and makes up things, she doesn't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of miscommunication, all the best. She sent another one a short while later saying "She knows what she sent doesn't solve my problems, that she does want to help, but she's surprised by Paul and things he said to her that she is pushing him as far from her as possible, that she's sorry about all of this, but whatever karma's a bitch, good night. Is she still mad/hurt by that? Now from everything that George has been saying to me, and that one night with Paul, my mind didn't know what to believe and was racing in every direction, while my emotions were on the ride of its life, so in a screwed up emotional state I sent a text that I know I shouldn't have (it wasn't mean or rude, just very very awkward). This was 1 month ago - but emotions do get in the way, and prevent you from thinking clearly sometimes. Basically right after sending it I was freaking out thinking WTF did I just do. I told her brother what I did and he was like "Wow, I feel awkward just hearing that - but I'm gonna talk to her for you because you're my best friend, and she's my younger sister." He talked to her and said she felt really bad about not texting back, but the only reason she didn't was because she wants me to leave it alone. He's like "Look she knows you like her, isn't creeped out by it, she's still young, and she doesn't want you to keep pushing it. She has a boyfriend, but they're having issues, so in 6 months, 8 months maybe she'll contact you and want to talk about it but for now leave it alone." Needless to say a few days later I went over to their house and things were tense and awkward big time, she said hey, but I felt like an ass and couldn't even look at her. Anyways, within that month I've had a bunch of things happen in my life that have put things into perspective, and I realize that I need to get my feelings in order. She's to important to me, and I want her in my life, but if it's only as a friend I think I'm alright with that because the bottom line is her happiness is what's most important to me, but know that I have to work on any awkwardness from my end, or even any friendship may be over. I've been thinking of sending a letter to her, I'm better at writing things then saying them, avoiding all the "feelings talk", but maybe telling her that I want her as a friend and that her happiness is what's important. I didn't think I was expecting anything by telling her, but with all the miscommunication going on my mind and emotions went for a ride - all of the talking about it has stopped, and given me some time to actually think about it without outside voices chirping. I want her as a friend, and if anything ever happened from there that would be awesome, but if not I think I'm okay with it. I know I haven't had an actual relationship with her, outside of growing up together and having a friendship, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and I feel what I feel. There was a time when she was 16/17 when it seemed that she may have been interested in me (wanted me to go on rides with her, laughing at jokes no one else would, went to a movie with one of her friends and her brother (a preview for the Notebook came on and she tells me "that would be a good one to see"), some other things, (these may even be me over analyzing things) but I never went for it because she was my friends sister. So should I try to reconcile a friendship by sending the letter saying that? Should I just pretend that none of it happened next time I talk to her? Give it more time before I contact her? Try to apologize for the text? I mean as a female if you've known one of your brothers friends for over 10 years how would all this make you feel? P.S. Please no comments "You could of summed it up to she has a boyfriend."
DustySaltus Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 First of all do me a favor and give Paul a good smack. I would not send her anything. You told her how you feel face to face, sent her text and had her brother talk to her on your behalf. At this point just leave it alone. You need to respct the fact that she has a boyfriend. If and when the time comes when she is ready to be with you she will but in the interim you need to MOVE FORWARD. Good luck.
carhill Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Commenting on the title, you don't 'read' women; you are yourself, act as who you are and, if a woman is receptive to that, she will respond positively and be with you. Not being with you is your sign of insufficient interest and a positive signal to discontinue contact with her and enjoy giving your valuable time and attention to those women who are receptive of it. A female friend, which would modify the above, enjoys activities with you and is supportive of and interested in your life and loves. She's proactive because women love those details and value their friends. If you don't sense this sort of interest, yet the woman remains on the periphery and seeks your attention, she is an attention whore and not worthy of your time and energy of friendship. Hope that helps
Author tlind Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 First of all do me a favor and give Paul a good smack. I would not send her anything. You told her how you feel face to face, sent her text and had her brother talk to her on your behalf. At this point just leave it alone. You need to respct the fact that she has a boyfriend. If and when the time comes when she is ready to be with you she will but in the interim you need to MOVE FORWARD. Good luck. Lol, I want to do more then smack him. Yeah I figured as much about not sending anything. I do respect the fact that she has a boyfriend (I've hung out with them many times before she even knew how I felt, and never had any issues on them being together - I was/am happy for her.
Author tlind Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 Commenting on the title, you don't 'read' women; you are yourself, act as who you are and, if a woman is receptive to that, she will respond positively and be with you. Not being with you is your sign of insufficient interest and a positive signal to discontinue contact with her and enjoy giving your valuable time and attention to those women who are receptive of it. A female friend, which would modify the above, enjoys activities with you and is supportive of and interested in your life and loves. She's proactive because women love those details and value their friends. If you don't sense this sort of interest, yet the woman remains on the periphery and seeks your attention, she is an attention whore and not worthy of your time and energy of friendship. Hope that helps I suppose "understand" would have been a better word to use - my bad. I do get the feeling that she would like to be a friend, but maybe that's as far as it would go, and up to me to resolve these feelings - which the past few days have gotten a lot easier. I can think of her and not pine, feel like whatever, the ocean is big.
boogieboy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 WTF?? Are you passing up other women because youve been holding a torch for this girl youre never going to get?? First of all..if you keep sending her letters and trying to apologize after she already said to drop it, she will NOT want to talk to you ever again. You only want to tell her to feed your ego, and to get things off your chest that you built on there, she didnt. She doesnt care about how yo ufeel, she had her brain on her bf. 2nd, if you keep hanging around her, calling her, whatever, you will be forever in the friend zone, because thats all she sees you as. Youre not a challenge, she knows that she can have you at any time, and she knows you will fall in love with her right away, women do not want that. You have to have your own life, your own friends, and she has to earn her way to YOU. Do you understand that? Does that make sense? THATS why she never liked you, youre too easy and available. Your only chance at this woman right now, is to dissappear, have at least 3 girlfriends consecutively, and run into her in a few years where youre a whole new person, and not that geek that follows her around like a puppy dog. The way youre going, she will eventually tell you to get lost. By that time you will find a better girl for you anyway.
carhill Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 By that time you will find a better girl for you anyway. Golden words OP. Pay attention
Author tlind Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 WTF?? Are you passing up other women because youve been holding a torch for this girl youre never going to get?? First of all..if you keep sending her letters and trying to apologize after she already said to drop it, she will NOT want to talk to you ever again. You only want to tell her to feed your ego, and to get things off your chest that you built on there, she didnt. She doesnt care about how yo ufeel, she had her brain on her bf. 2nd, if you keep hanging around her, calling her, whatever, you will be forever in the friend zone, because thats all she sees you as. Youre not a challenge, she knows that she can have you at any time, and she knows you will fall in love with her right away, women do not want that. You have to have your own life, your own friends, and she has to earn her way to YOU. Do you understand that? Does that make sense? THATS why she never liked you, youre too easy and available. Your only chance at this woman right now, is to dissappear, have at least 3 girlfriends consecutively, and run into her in a few years where youre a whole new person, and not that geek that follows her around like a puppy dog. The way youre going, she will eventually tell you to get lost. By that time you will find a better girl for you anyway. God d****t, YOU'RE RIGHT!!! Those are the exact words I needed to hear someone to kick me in the ass and tell it like it is. THANK YOU. I've never held off dating other girls - I wasn't confident in myself, about a year ago went through some changes, confidence started snowballing, decided WTF! I'll tell her cause you never know, and now I'm dealing with whatever emotions I've had attached to her SO now that it's out there my conscience is clear and I can move on - Oh and I WILL move on.
boogieboy Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 God d****t, YOU'RE RIGHT!!! Those are the exact words I needed to hear someone to kick me in the ass and tell it like it is. THANK YOU. I've never held off dating other girls - I wasn't confident in myself, about a year ago went through some changes, confidence started snowballing, decided WTF! I'll tell her cause you never know, and now I'm dealing with whatever emotions I've had attached to her SO now that it's out there my conscience is clear and I can move on - Oh and I WILL move on. You know why I'm right? I did the EXACT same thing youre doing before I found this site. I chased my ex instead of dissappearing for a month...then I got a kick in the ass. You do need to completely let her go so you can give other women a chance. Glad I could help ya. P.S. CArhill - Thank you!
Recommended Posts