UbiJW Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Ok so here we go. I know that many people struggle with peoples pasts but I gotta get this off my chest. So my girlfriend who I am living with is absolutely amazing. I mean we met about 14 months ago and completely fell in love, finish each other sentences, laugh constantly, talk for hours into the night, all the crap that I NEVER believed existed. We live together now, everything is great in the here and now, we want the same things, share the same interests, I KNOW it sounds stupid and I would have laughed but its really amazing and the sex is absolutely mind blowing, both making love and the dirty fun stuff. We do it all and its great, real passion... another thing I never bought into. And the girl is absolutely stunning, incredibly beautiful, stared at and flirted with constantly and she's dead loyal and crazy about me. I see marriage, kids, house in the suburbs all the stuff I never would have wanted. So heres the deal... this girl has a serious past. Sexual abuse as a child, raped, physical abuse, Dad was gone, Mom was a mess, raped... Really ****ty stuff. She seems to be doing pretty well considering... scratch that AMAZINGLY well considering. In fact I find it attractive the triumph over it all, continues to see counseling and move forward. So that part doesnt really bother me, thats unfair **** and bad circumstances but heres what does. She was very self destructive as a teen and early twenties, (27 now) drinking and partying a whole bunch. Never got to into drugs but just loved getting smashed and feeling nothing which quite honestly makes sense to me. Shes slept with 14 guys including myself... I guess what i cannot stop thinking about is not the number, Im not a virgin, not even close, Im a great looking guy.. confidant... Ive been with just as many girls so its not really a jealousy thing I dont believe, I could always get laid and lord knows i've done a lot of stupid stupid **** when drinking, especially back in college... but I've always been respectful to girls and not a huge tool. I dont feel inadequate because I dont really have problems in that area and again the sex is mind blowing... BUT it bothers me because all the men shes been with were not serious boyfriends really, shes never opened up to a guy before me, terrified of being hurt etc..., all her sex has been when drinking or drunk... I cannot seem to get over it though. The truth is I find it disgusting. Not the bad things being done to her as a child, that I would NEVER blame her for but doing these things to herself is sick, having sex with some guy she met at a bar, sleeping with a bunch of dudes in college and having ridiculous relationships... even cut herself a few times. it all seems so destructive and disgusting. This girl is smart, wtf was she thinking? I get the whole wanting to be loved or needing to feel something but how many times must one do that to figure out its not working for gods sake. Shes like a completely different person around me and truly seems to love me very very much but i cant seem to get over the idea of her living this lifestyle. Sorry for the length but to sum up: I really dont have a problem with "number of" past sexual partners, i feel like if she had 10 more partners but they were guys she liked/found attractive, guys who lied to her and deceived her, boyfriends whatever I would be totally fine with it. Theres a lot of d bags out there. But she sought these guys out, shes the "im in control and can have sex with these guys i dont care about" chick. Just makes my stomach turn. DOES that make any sense? I would think most guys would kill to be with this girl (although prob just for the looks so it wouldnt bother them) Shes sexy as hell and her number doesnt seem insane for her age but its more the context of how she got there if that makes sense. Is it possible to have such a destructive past and ever have a functioning relationship? I just want a relatively normal relationship. Am I in love with the crazy girl that all guys love banging because they were nuts? How the **** is that supposed to make me feel if she's a potential future mother of my children? Am I a horrible guy for resenting her or not respecting her for these past actions/decisions? I do not think that it is fair for me to continue to be with her if I cannot find a way to respect her and her past decisions Im afraid that I will destroy this relationship, throw this **** in her face or never let it go. And I would rather end it now then drag her through it and hurt her more later which would absolutely kill me inside. Hahaha this was long as ****. Thoughts?
aerogurl87 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Ok so here we go. I know that many people struggle with peoples pasts but I gotta get this off my chest. So my girlfriend who I am living with is absolutely amazing. I mean we met about 14 months ago and completely fell in love, finish each other sentences, laugh constantly, talk for hours into the night, all the crap that I NEVER believed existed. We live together now, everything is great in the here and now, we want the same things, share the same interests, I KNOW it sounds stupid and I would have laughed but its really amazing and the sex is absolutely mind blowing, both making love and the dirty fun stuff. We do it all and its great, real passion... another thing I never bought into. And the girl is absolutely stunning, incredibly beautiful, stared at and flirted with constantly and she's dead loyal and crazy about me. I see marriage, kids, house in the suburbs all the stuff I never would have wanted. So heres the deal... this girl has a serious past. Sexual abuse as a child, raped, physical abuse, Dad was gone, Mom was a mess, raped... Really ****ty stuff. She seems to be doing pretty well considering... scratch that AMAZINGLY well considering. In fact I find it attractive the triumph over it all, continues to see counseling and move forward. So that part doesnt really bother me, thats unfair **** and bad circumstances but heres what does. She was very self destructive as a teen and early twenties, (27 now) drinking and partying a whole bunch. Never got to into drugs but just loved getting smashed and feeling nothing which quite honestly makes sense to me. Shes slept with 14 guys including myself... I guess what i cannot stop thinking about is not the number, Im not a virgin, not even close, Im a great looking guy.. confidant... Ive been with just as many girls so its not really a jealousy thing I dont believe, I could always get laid and lord knows i've done a lot of stupid stupid **** when drinking, especially back in college... but I've always been respectful to girls and not a huge tool. I dont feel inadequate because I dont really have problems in that area and again the sex is mind blowing... BUT it bothers me because all the men shes been with were not serious boyfriends really, shes never opened up to a guy before me, terrified of being hurt etc..., all her sex has been when drinking or drunk... I cannot seem to get over it though. The truth is I find it disgusting. Not the bad things being done to her as a child, that I would NEVER blame her for but doing these things to herself is sick, having sex with some guy she met at a bar, sleeping with a bunch of dudes in college and having ridiculous relationships... even cut herself a few times. it all seems so destructive and disgusting. This girl is smart, wtf was she thinking? I get the whole wanting to be loved or needing to feel something but how many times must one do that to figure out its not working for gods sake. Shes like a completely different person around me and truly seems to love me very very much but i cant seem to get over the idea of her living this lifestyle. Sorry for the length but to sum up: I really dont have a problem with "number of" past sexual partners, i feel like if she had 10 more partners but they were guys she liked/found attractive, guys who lied to her and deceived her, boyfriends whatever I would be totally fine with it. Theres a lot of d bags out there. But she sought these guys out, shes the "im in control and can have sex with these guys i dont care about" chick. Just makes my stomach turn. DOES that make any sense? I would think most guys would kill to be with this girl (although prob just for the looks so it wouldnt bother them) Shes sexy as hell and her number doesnt seem insane for her age but its more the context of how she got there if that makes sense. Is it possible to have such a destructive past and ever have a functioning relationship? I just want a relatively normal relationship. Am I in love with the crazy girl that all guys love banging because they were nuts? How the **** is that supposed to make me feel if she's a potential future mother of my children? Am I a horrible guy for resenting her or not respecting her for these past actions/decisions? I do not think that it is fair for me to continue to be with her if I cannot find a way to respect her and her past decisions Im afraid that I will destroy this relationship, throw this **** in her face or never let it go. And I would rather end it now then drag her through it and hurt her more later which would absolutely kill me inside. Hahaha this was long as ****. Thoughts? I forsee this not working because in the back of your mind will always be "her past" haunting you. I mean one minute she's your awesome girlfriend and then she's the psycho ex slut. Reminds me of what my ex told me after he left me. I was the best girlfriend he had ever had, despite me cheating on him once, and this is what he told me. He said "I love you but I can't get over your past." And it was as simple as that, even if I hadn't cheated there were things in my past that he knew about that he said he wouldn't be able to get over because they'd always be there in the back of his mind. His loss though. So don't lose a good girl because of what she did in the past. Good girls usually go bad, but it is sometimes possible for a bad girl to go good.
rina_r Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I was really bad after i divorced an abusime husband. But this is how i coped. I am glad i did what i did bc it helped me to get over all bad memories and drama. She has hers. Dont hold it against her.
CarrieT Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Is it possible to have such a destructive past and ever have a functioning relationship? I just want a relatively normal relationship. Absolutely, it is possible. But only if you can get over what she has done in the past. It is HER past, not yours. Also, her past is much of what has made up the structure of her present. Meaning, a great deal of why you love her is based on what she has been through and is the development of who she is -- had she not gone through what she has, she would be a different person and you wouldn't love her as much. Cherish that and build upon it. I've been raped a number of times. I was molested from the age of 9 onward. I've had over 100+ sexual partners. But I've also had several very good, long term relationships (one that lasted 12 years) and am striving to find one now (I'm 45). The question is whether or not YOU can get past it and take her for what she is and treat her with respect and love as any genuine person deserves.
Author UbiJW Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 It's not that I think she is a huge whore. She had like two one night stands... I've had more than that but it's the attitude of wanting to sleep with guys to feel better about onself not because you desire them or want to have sex. Perhaps sex is always like that for girls or maybe for everyone. I mean I certainly wanted to sleep with hot chicks to make me feel like a man since every guy I've ever known is convinced that's what makes you a man. I guess it still bothers me that she could be so cold about who she had sex with like getting drunk and keeping it in her terms. Any women out there have similiar experiences? Does sex make women feel desired and thus self worth?
Clep Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I had a past much like your gf's. It was horrible. I was misguided as a teen and understandably so. I had lots of problems until I was in my mid twenties. It was then something happened in my life that was a turning point for me. Today I am a completely different person. The things I went through and my willingess to deal with them and be the best I can be made me who I am today. I am a person of strong character and values. Her past and decisions were made up of her knowledge of herself and the world then, which was probably pretty distorted. I would be thankful that she has been honest with you about all of these things. It shows a great indication that she has moved on from it and a trust in you. She is not the same person today that she was then. She isn't living in the past so why are you? The past is a memory, live in today.
lucy9216 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 It's not that I think she is a huge whore. She had like two one night stands... I've had more than that but it's the attitude of wanting to sleep with guys to feel better about onself not because you desire them or want to have sex. Perhaps sex is always like that for girls or maybe for everyone. I mean I certainly wanted to sleep with hot chicks to make me feel like a man since every guy I've ever known is convinced that's what makes you a man. I guess it still bothers me that she could be so cold about who she had sex with like getting drunk and keeping it in her terms. Any women out there have similiar experiences? Does sex make women feel desired and thus self worth? Honestly for myself I have not been through as much as your girlfriend has but 6 months ago a man a truly and deeply loved left me after being together for 6 years, had 2 kids planned the whole suburban life, best friends blah blah.... well I was soooo devistated when he left that yes I myself became destructive, in the last 6 months I have had 3 sexual partners that I did not care for at all and each time I slept with them I was completely drunk!!! I realized that in the morning I felt like **** and even worse than before I slept with the guy, so I am not going to do that anymore because it does make things worse. I can understand that feeling of wanting companionship and just seeking it in the wrong way, try not to hold this against her at all after what she went through it is completely normal that she tried to cope in this way. What matters is that she is seeking counseling and does not act in this destructive manner anymore.
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