love_confusion Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Okay, I hung out with this guy once at his place about a month ago. Things went well and got hot and heavy pretty quick. It wasn't the direction I was heading, but went along with it. We didn't actually have sex; I stopped things from progressing to that level. He made a casual remark later in the evening that next time he hopes something more happens. Ever since then, I get a text each weekend towards the evening asking me to come hang out. I've declined each offer since I think last minute requests are kind of rude. However, he called me the other day asking about this coming weekend. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure he just wants to have sex. Just so we were on the same page, I told him this weekend would work, but I wasn't going to sleep with him. He abruptly ended the conversation and didn't like that I was accusing him of only wanting sex with me. I felt bad and told him I was sorry, but I wanted to be honest with him and not lead him to believe something was going to happen when it wasn't. So, guys, would you be offended if this happened to you? I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but his actions did lead me to belive he only wanted sex. Seriously, we don't even talk during the week...our only communication involves last minute texts asking if I can come hang out. Now, I feel kind of bad I said anything.
Pizzaman81 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 He should understand your point of view. That you didn't want to go in that direction that quickly. Maybe you should let him know if he keeps on texting you. Tell him last time was a mistake and need to take things slower. If he can't wait then you know what he's only after.
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 There's a good possibility that he "Got offended" because he was looking for some weekend lovin'. The defensive most often are defensive because they were caught.
Javelin Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 In your situation, I'm going to have to agree with DreamGrl. There's a good possibility that he "Got offended" because he was looking for some weekend lovin'. The defensive most often are defensive because they were caught. and he probably felt like a jackass, the moment you put your foot down and told him no sex!
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 It is also common, for when someone is caught doing some or trying something, they turn it around and try to make you feel bad. I'd pass on this dude and move on to someone who wants to take you out on an actual date.
kissez Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 There's a good possibility that he "Got offended" because he was looking for some weekend lovin'. The defensive most often are defensive because they were caught. I agree! A similar situation happened with my best friend. I don't remember exactly what it was??? But the guy acted completely offended and angry, and I told her that right there was a bad sign! If he really wasn't after just sleeping with you, he wouldn't have gotten offended over it. Kind of like the saying "the truth hurts" - if someone makes a comment and it's not true, you blow it off. but when it strikes a nerve, there's obviously a reason. Unless you are really into him, I would pass as well.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Agree with the other girls. If he weren't just out for sex, he would have responded with something about what else he had in mind -- dinner, getting to know you better, etc. His reaction says it all.
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Op, Those who are putting all of this on him are being unfair.People progress in relationships, at different rates. Why is it that nobody is willing to communicate anymore? Before this became an issue, you should have talked about both of your boundaries, and how you wanted the R to progress. He has been hot and heavy with you and naturally wants to go further. By telling him that nothing will happen, you are in a sense, rejecting his affection. I respect a Lady , who is up front about what she wants and how far and how soon , she is willing to go. I figure that it's buyer beware after that. If you were passionate with him, then told him that nothing more was going to happen, he probably thinks that this is a rejection of him, personally.
Jerry18 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 So, guys, would you be offended if this happened to you? I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but his actions did lead me to belive he only wanted sex. Seriously, we don't even talk during the week...our only communication involves last minute texts asking if I can come hang out. Now, I feel kind of bad I said anything. I dump the girls I date if we don't end up having sex within 2 weeks.
D-Lish Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 BJ, She hung out with him ONCE. She laid her boundaries on the table at that time- no sex. He pulled the whole "let's hang out" at 1am for a time...she didn't give in. He set up a proper date with her- and she told him yes, but no sex. Come on my sweet friend, he's looking for sex and sex only. He got mad because he wants something and she isn't giving it to him! One date! She has a right to refuse, and he has a right to be a horny dawg...But he doesn't have a right to be mad ...yet!
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 D-Lish, I agree with you , on the whole, but young men are all about ego. He is taking this as a personal rejection, I understand that all she is rejecting is the sex. But you know as well as I, that his ego is telling him that she has scorned him.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 D-Lish, I agree with you , on the whole, but young men are all about ego. He is taking this as a personal rejection, I understand that all she is rejecting is the sex. But you know as well as I, that his ego is telling him that she has scorned him. It's not her job to coddle his ego. She has been completely honest here, and he's pulling the "oh, I'm offended" BS. Sounds like a douche, basically.
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 BTW, OP how old are you and this guy?......Ruby,Jeez, young people are very immature, and can see rejection in everything, you know that. This Guy is all about hormones, and nothing about brains. Have a little compassion for the little goofball.
Author love_confusion Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Thanks, everyone, for your opinions and perspectives! It helps me understand the situation a little better. Boldjack, we're both in our late 20s. Just to clarify...we are not dating. We hung out at his place once. I suppose my behavior with him during that time probably led him to believe I was okay with having sex right away. After I stopped things from going further, I should've explained that to him right then and there. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by being up front with him. If he only wants sex, that's great; he should have that option. However, I'm not someone that jumps into bed after one casual encounter. I didn't want to lead him on any more than I probably already did. I do have to agree with the people who said if he wasn't just out for sex his reaction would've been different. He did get rather defensive over the whole issue. As far as his ego goes, I didn't reject him. I accepted his offer to hang out again. Furthermore, what about my ego? He hasn't even been out with me outside of his house! Ugh...I always feel like I make the worst mistakes in situations like these. What about this weekend? Part of me thinks I should just wait for him to contact me about meeting up, and the other part thinks I should contact him and see if he's still interested. I guess I'll think about it today and decide what to do tomorrow....
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 BoldJack, most often I agree with you, however, if he wasn't about sex, wouldn't he want to go out and do something - outside of his house. I will agree may have led him in the wrong direction, but she laid out the boundaries then after. OP - has he called you since?
Author love_confusion Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 BoldJack, most often I agree with you, however, if he wasn't about sex, wouldn't he want to go out and do something - outside of his house. I will agree may have led him in the wrong direction, but she laid out the boundaries then after. OP - has he called you since? I haven't heard from him since Monday evening when this conversation took place. That's why I figured he was mad... or just no longer interested.
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I haven't heard from him since Monday evening when this conversation took place. That's why I figured he was mad... or just no longer interested. Yeah.. I would think if he wanted more, he'd be calling or try to set something else up. If he's mad about it oh well. Even if he wasn't trying for that, and he can't understand your boundaries and reasons for why you thought that, he's lacking some maturity for being in his late 20's.
Yukikazi Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 From a guys POV in general.. this can come off as a bit insulting (not using this specific instance) but when you ask someone out its cause you are interested and there is the underlying tension. Getting pre-emptivly shot down.. especially if you are still setting up the date sucks. Sure we may not get any action.. but pre-empting it isn't necessarily the best option. Being told "No sex or no touching" regardless of wether you was intending to try anything or not is a major turnoff.. it takes any possible sexual tension there might have been and throws it out the window making me less apt to give them any more interest. Its understandable backing out in the leadup to the moment.. hearing it right off the bat makes you wonder what it is about you that apparently puts them off so. If there is no sexual tension on a date.. wtf is the point of the date? Not saying being open and upfront is a bad thing.. just the timing can use some improvement. Probably the wording also
New Again Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Okay, I hung out with this guy once at his place about a month ago. Things went well and got hot and heavy pretty quick. It wasn't the direction I was heading, but went along with it. We didn't actually have sex; I stopped things from progressing to that level. He made a casual remark later in the evening that next time he hopes something more happens. Ever since then, I get a text each weekend towards the evening asking me to come hang out. I've declined each offer since I think last minute requests are kind of rude. However, he called me the other day asking about this coming weekend. Needless to say, I'm pretty sure he just wants to have sex. Just so we were on the same page, I told him this weekend would work, but I wasn't going to sleep with him. He abruptly ended the conversation and didn't like that I was accusing him of only wanting sex with me. I felt bad and told him I was sorry, but I wanted to be honest with him and not lead him to believe something was going to happen when it wasn't. So, guys, would you be offended if this happened to you? I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but his actions did lead me to belive he only wanted sex. Seriously, we don't even talk during the week...our only communication involves last minute texts asking if I can come hang out. Now, I feel kind of bad I said anything. I think it's pretty obvious that he only wants sex; if you wanted to actually date him you shouldn't have "hung out" at his place, you should've gone on an actual date, and you shouldn't have hooked up with him. Those things really indicate that you both just want to hook up - I'm sure that's what he thought you were thinking, and obviously that's what he was thinking. When he called you did he ask you on an actual date, or did he just ask you to hang out one night? I don't think you're wrong necessarily to have told him you wouldn't have sex with him when he called you, however I don't think it was necessary for you to say that. Since you thought he was only interested in sex, you should've just stopped talking to him if that's not what you wanted.
datingsucks Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 It is offensive to say that, BUT If your account is accurate, in him saying "Hope something more happens" then that is rude as hell if he was hinting at sex - which he seems like he was. I wouldn't worry about him. And yeah, never go to someone's house that early... But devil's advocate, anyone is going to get offended when you say that, regardless of guilt. Don't think it implies guilt if the guy gets offended (But this case is different since it seems like he hinted and came on to her). Best y'a can do is try to fit in casual conversation how you feel early on, but it's hard to be subtle and blatant at the same time.
Stung Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 From a guys POV in general.. this can come off as a bit insulting (not using this specific instance) but when you ask someone out its cause you are interested and there is the underlying tension. Getting pre-emptivly shot down.. especially if you are still setting up the date sucks. Sure we may not get any action.. but pre-empting it isn't necessarily the best option. Being told "No sex or no touching" regardless of wether you was intending to try anything or not is a major turnoff.. it takes any possible sexual tension there might have been and throws it out the window making me less apt to give them any more interest. Its understandable backing out in the leadup to the moment.. hearing it right off the bat makes you wonder what it is about you that apparently puts them off so. If there is no sexual tension on a date.. wtf is the point of the date? Not saying being open and upfront is a bad thing.. just the timing can use some improvement. Probably the wording also Unless I am much mistaken, part of the point is that there was no date planned. This guy has never been out in public with her nor asked her to accompany him out in public, he has only invited her over to his, and usually quite late in the evening, which is a booty call, NOT a date. His intentions were pretty clearly sexual, which is why she pre-emptively clarified her own, which were to see if he was willing to explore any kind of relationship beyond the immediately physical. Since he hasn't called her back, I'm guessing he was not. And he's in his late 20s--hardly an awkward kid with a fragile ego. He knew what he was doing and just didn't like getting called on it. OP, since you don't seem to be interested in casual sex with this guy just chalk this up to a learning experience and wash your hands of it. You two got your signals crossed in the first encounter, it happens. If you're serious about being taken seriously be a little more careful about things next time, maybe; a couple of actual outings and real conversations before you start 'hanging out' at their place and heavy petting. Some guys can see beyond that kind of beginning, but too many can't.
Yukikazi Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Unless I am much mistaken, part of the point is that there was no date planned. This guy has never been out in public with her nor asked her to accompany him out in public, he has only invited her over to his, and usually quite late in the evening, which is a booty call, NOT a date. His intentions were pretty clearly sexual, which is why she pre-emptively clarified her own, which were to see if he was willing to explore any kind of relationship beyond the immediately physical. Please re-read my first sentence.. particularly the text in the ()'s
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 LC, do I have egg on my face or what. I thought that you and this guy were way younger, from your posts. This changes everything. If you allowed him to get" hot and heavy", on the first date, then you have only yourself to blame for his wanting more. Having said that, if he pursued you, hoping for more , after you told him no, then he is at fault. As afar as the supposed date is concerned, Yes, he was wanting sex, and No, you are not responsible for him being pissed. Both of you sound pretty immature, to me.
Author love_confusion Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 After thinking about it, I decided not to get back with him regarding plans for this weekend. I still have not heard from him and I'm definitely not going to push the issue. When we had this converstaion, I did not come out and tell him "I'm not having sex with you." All I said was that "if we hang out this weekend, I can't make any promises as to how far things will go..." That was the truth. I knew he expected us to sleep together the next time we hung out...he said that in so many words our first night together. Whether he was offened or not, oh well! I tried to handle the situation the best I could; I didn't mean to upset him, bruise his ego, or offend him. I'll admit, I shouldn't have gone over to his place for a first "date." Also, I'll have to remember to keep things at a pace I'm comfortable with instead of just going along with things. Had I done that in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. I'm a work in progress when it comes to dating and usually make lots of mistakes, but I'm learning!
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Sounds like you are doing OK, LC. If he is into you as a person, he will come calling, if not , there are others.
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