Just for sex?

[kissez]

This guy and I re-connected at the beginning of the summer (we had known each other from a few years back). We dated for the summer and he was wonderful. Always took me out on dates, very respectful, called on a regular basis, and the chemistry was amazing!

 

At the end of the summer, he tells me he isn't prepared to commit anymore, and wants to do his own thing. (His last girlfriend was 6 yrs. ago and he was absolutely devastated about it), so I guess since then he has been having fun). I was so disappointed, but I let him do his thing and I did mine.

 

A month later, he's calling me and wants to see me again. First time I declined, but finally, I told him he could come over (he lives an hour away). He came over and it resulted in hot passionate sex. Not once, but 3-4 times, (which was pretty standard almost every time I saw him). He would always stay the night too, as would I if I went to him.

 

This went on for a month, until I realized he still isn't ready to commit, and therefore I don't want to carry on this "sexual relationship" any further if it isn't going to go anywhere.

 

I know plenty of people in their early 20s who have no-strings attached sex and are happy. And I know a girls who do the same, but desire for the man to make her his girlfriend, and he never does because he doesn't respect her. I don't have casual sex though, I slept with him because I liked him.

 

I feel like if he liked me enough, he would make me his girlfriend? But maybe he really doesn't want to commit to anyone? In that case, was he strictly using me for sex, does he like me at all??? We would watch movies together, I gave him massages, and he always stayed with me. He would even tell me he had fun with me. He's 24.

[AlektraClementine]

Here's the tricky thing. We, as women, want men to just be honest because it's the nice thing to do. We don't want men to trick us into sleeping with them with promises of a potential relationship but when they are honest, we still hold out for that hope. Then we get our panties in a wad because most men are liars.

 

I'd take him at his word on this one, hun. He's already told you what he wants in a relationship. If you're not comfortable with being a booty call, don't be one.

 

Best of luck!

[kissez]

Lastly, I told him that we shouldn't talk at all anymore, that there was no point, if he didn't want a relationship. I wasn't trying to pressure him by any means, I never even suggested the idea, but booty call is strictly sex...

 

and that's what it ended up being. After staying at his place or mine, he would never see how my day was or anything (except once). So I said we shouldn't talk at all and he's like "damn whatever." Then I told him good luck with everything and he said "you don't have to be like that."

 

But then, and I regret doing this, I was talking to my friend about it, and she told me to say all these things to him, to clear my mind etc. and I did, and it pissed him off and freaked him out. He said "WOW, holy ****!!!" And I told him I wasn't too worried because it was never going to go anywhere with him, and he responded with "no it wasn't."

 

So I am leaving him alone for good! I am just confused and pretty hurt, but my fault for being so naive and stupid.

[kissez]

Thank you Elektra!!! Yea he really changed on me. It was HIS idea initially (at the beginning of the summer) to be in a relationship with me!! That's one of the reasons I liked him so much because of that quality - his commitment. Then he backed out, and now he is saying everything completely different, so yea I'm definitely out.

 

It just sucks though, I did kind of hope he liked me a little bit I guess. I certainly don't sleep with any men I am not into. I am 22 by the way.

[stepka]

Kissez, I am so sorry for you that you had that experience. It sounds like he was into you for awhile, but then wasn't. Please don't let his little hot reaction--his little pissed off and freaked out stuff, sway you. It's really skanky of him to use you for sex when he knows you really like him. Yes, people do have FWB "relationships" and they have fun with them, but it's never a good idea when there's an imbalance of feelings between them. And if you're a woman who can only do it with guys she has feelings for, they're not a good idea at all. He'll try to use the line that you're manipulating him for a relationship, but don't buy it.

[kissez]

Thank you I appreciate it.

 

When he called me after a month, after breaking it off, I guess I saw it as him "coming back" to me. I was so happy when he called that I gave in. I didn't do it all the time, I declined when I was busy, but still.

 

He is the only one I have been sleeping with too, and he knows that. He seemed genuine...? I am not sure why he stopped liking me. I guess he was "over me." I just wish he didn't continue to call and sleep with me - he was doing it b/c he was bored or whatever? And I did it because I liked and cared about him.

 

I feel embarrassed that I told him off, and freaked him out, but oh well. He is a jerk anyways, I don't want to be used anymore. I allowed it too long as it was.

[kissez]

He'll try to use the line that you're manipulating him for a relationship, but don't buy it.

 

I really like this!!!! Because I didn't think I was trying to force him into a relationship or anything. He initiated all the "booty calls", then I did text him a couple times and ask if we could maybe go out sometime to see a movie or eat or whatever...

 

and he said "ok", but then we never did it; or he would ignore the text, and call me later and ask to see me, and it ended up being another booty call.

 

Like I said before I know I sound really stupid!!! I see it now, I just thought maybe he needed space and what not. I didn't want to be a nag, so I didn't really say anything until just recently.

[crazy_grl]

Before you said you shouldn't talk anymore and told him off, did you ask him if he'd changed his mind about a relationship or did you just assume you were his booty call? It's entirely possible that he did come back because he'd reconsidered being in a relationship with you, but when you treated it as a booty call, he followed your lead.

 

Too late to change anything on this one. But I if you didn't, you should have gotten clarification about what he was expecting when he got back in touch with you.

[kissez]

He used to take me out on dates, call etc., now he would just have sex with me and not contact me at all.

 

I finally said, "we should go see a movie together sometime", and he said "ok" then called me a few days later only to have sex again and not contact me (I think I sent a light text and he didn't respond). So I said "You won't even talk to me anymore."

 

and he goes "I have been driving for 6 hours sorry." Another time I said "maybe we can go eat sometime." and I got another "ok" but he never did it.

 

Finally he told me he didn't want to keep leading me on, that he didn't want a relationship. And I said I wasn't trying to force him into one, but I don't want to be a booty call...and I said that b/c of his drastic changes in behavior, no calling anymore, no dates...

 

So I said we just won't talk at all then I guess there's no point! and he was like "damn whatever." - and I said we shouldn't talk at all b/c I didn't want to keep waiting, being strung along hoping he would like me one day, when he was just using me.

 

Then I told him off like 2 days later - it was so random. I didn't cuss or anything, just said how I have higher standards than a booty call, and my fault for giving him that impression etc. but it was really long! So he freaked out.

[kissez]

I mean do guys ever fall for girls who they have just been sleeping with? I didn't want to get too far in the pattern, and get my hopes up...

[stepka]

Like I said before I know I sound really stupid!!! I see it now, I just thought maybe he needed space and what not. I didn't want to be a nag, so I didn't really say anything until just recently.

No stupider than the rest of the human race. We all know what's the right thing to do, but we get stupid when we really like someone--guys and gals too. When you wrote it all out like you did, you were able to see it for what it is, which is why posting here is so therapeutic. But hey, you gave it plenty of chances--enough to see that this is what it is, not just a temporary unavailability on his part, so go do something to treat yourself well and chalk it up to experience. And, got news for you--50 yo who've been around the block a few times can fall into these same traps b/c we see what we want to see. All of us. So go easy on yourself.

[crazy_grl]

Finally he told me he didn't want to keep leading me on, that he didn't want a relationship. And I said I wasn't trying to force him into one, but I don't want to be a booty call...and I said that b/c of his drastic changes in behavior, no calling anymore, no dates...

 

Ok, yeah. He's a dumb*ss. He shouldn't have expected you to be okay with not being committed the second time around when you weren't the first time.

 

He acted like a jerk, and clearly he didn't have anything to say for himself other than "damn whatever". He probably realizes he's a jerk.

 

Time to move on and find somebody better.

 

I mean do guys ever fall for girls who they have just been sleeping with?

 

Generally, no. If you're sleeping with a guy and it's not a relationship, don't have any hopes of it becoming one. Treat it like it is. In the rare cases where the guy does fall for the girl, I'll bet it's because the girl felt less attachment than the guy and he was the one who initially wanted a relationship.

 

If you're looking for a relationship, don't sleep with guys unless you know that's what they're interested in (from you).

Edited November 11, 2009 by crazy_grl

[ADF]

This guy and I re-connected at the beginning of the summer (we had known each other from a few years back). We dated for the summer and he was wonderful. Always took me out on dates, very respectful, called on a regular basis, and the chemistry was amazing!

 

At the end of the summer, he tells me he isn't prepared to commit anymore, and wants to do his own thing. (His last girlfriend was 6 yrs. ago and he was absolutely devastated about it), so I guess since then he has been having fun). I was so disappointed, but I let him do his thing and I did mine.

 

A month later, he's calling me and wants to see me again. First time I declined, but finally, I told him he could come over (he lives an hour away). He came over and it resulted in hot passionate sex. Not once, but 3-4 times, (which was pretty standard almost every time I saw him). He would always stay the night too, as would I if I went to him.

 

This went on for a month, until I realized he still isn't ready to commit, and therefore I don't want to carry on this "sexual relationship" any further if it isn't going to go anywhere.

 

I know plenty of people in their early 20s who have no-strings attached sex and are happy. And I know a girls who do the same, but desire for the man to make her his girlfriend, and he never does because he doesn't respect her. I don't have casual sex though, I slept with him because I liked him.

 

I feel like if he liked me enough, he would make me his girlfriend? But maybe he really doesn't want to commit to anyone? In that case, was he strictly using me for sex, does he like me at all??? We would watch movies together, I gave him massages, and he always stayed with me. He would even tell me he had fun with me. He's 24.

 

This is a pretty classic story: the guy maneuvered you into a FWB situation, or at least tried to. What you need to keep in mind is that for many men, having a GF is NOT the most desirable situation. Having a FWB is the most desirable situation. With FWB gets sex without commitment--which is what many (maybe most) guys prefer, if they can get it.

[kissez]

thank you guys.

 

stepka - yea I definitely see it for what it is now. I was happy that he was calling me again that I thought maybe he wanted me back. Because before when we had talked we had definitely been "dating". But, obviously not.

 

crazy_grl - I have heard of one FWB that is in a serious relationship now and they are in love. They must of had really great sex and I think they are definitely one of the exceptions...

 

One of my old friends (we aren't friends anymore), ALWAYS sleeps with men so soon, even ones she doesn't even know; they never take her anywhere. She is always just a booty call (kinda slutty in my opinion also), but I know she isn't pushing for a relationship because I know her personality; and she never gets moved up to girlfriend status!

[kissez]

I understand men like the chase. I don't chase them, and I really don't like to have casual sex.

 

When he didn't call me besides to have sex that's when I said "maybe we can go eat sometime, go to the movies etc."

 

I didn't think that was too pushy? But maybe I shouldn't of said anything at all. And I thought he liked having sex with me if we did it 3-4 times whenever I saw him, but now I just feel so used.

 

I think he just did it b/c he was bored the last time he stayed the night here, he had his brother pick him up (long story), and I was in the shower getting ready for work when he left, so I didn't get a chance to say bye - no chance for a hug like we usually do. And he texted me when he left and told me he had a lot of fun with me and stuff. (We had watched a good movie together and ate - nothing serious though).

 

So I just didn't realize I guess? But I see now that he isn't going to magically like me one day, so I'd just rather leave it alone, before it goes on for too long. I just wish he still wanted to be with me - because I wanted to be with him very much.

 

I am so worried that he is going to just have sex with another girl, and then make her his girlfriend! Because he said he did want one!!! He told me all these great things a few months ago! And now he doesn't want to be tied down anymore so idk. I would be so devastated I was crying and lol. But I guess I'll try not to worry about it, I think it is kind of a slutty thing to do, just be giving it up to the guy on his terms all the time and not getting claimed or talked to...

[stepka]

Kissez, I hear a lot of pain in your letter and i know you like him a lot. I do not think you're a slut. A slut wouldn't be in this much pain over a man, b/c she would never know him enough to like him that much. It sounds like you did everything right and you two were a couple in the beginning and then you had sex with him and had a relationship, and then for whatever reason, he decided to move on. Maybe he's not a keeper, maybe he decided you're not the one, maybe you don't fit his picture of the ideal woman, etc--could be anything. The sex was great, and he still decided to move on--that's what hurts.

 

Unfortunately this happens a lot to men and women and it hurts. but it doesn't make you a fool and it doesn't make you a slut--it just makes you heartbroken, which is a bummer, but much more dignified than the other labels you're pinned on yourself. I know, I've been there and I felt stupid too. I might think you were silly if you decided to go ahead with the FWB thing, but it sounds like you're guarding your heart in an intelligent way, so I give you kudos for that--lots of women would just go ahead and sleep with them and then complain about how badly he's treating them. So I think you're smart and I think he's a pill for getting pissy when you told him no go--that makes him not a nice man, so you should probably be glad it didn't work out.

[crazy_grl]

I didn't think that was too pushy? But maybe I shouldn't of said anything at all.

 

No way. I think you did the right thing. If you hadn't said anything, you'd just be in this same situation months or years from now. Only you'd be more attached and more devastated.

 

Believe it or not, I think you've given yourself a much better chance at a relationship with him this way than if you'd quietly kept being his booty call. (Assuming you'll still want a relationship with this guy once the initial devastation wears off.) Standing up for yourself is much more attractive than letting him use you.

 

I am so worried that he is going to just have sex with another girl, and then make her his girlfriend!

 

If he does get a girlfriend, it's not going to just be because she had sex with him. If anything, it'll be because she didn't (many guys are stupid like that -- they want the girl who won't have sex with them to be their gf then complain later when their gf doesn't want to have sex with them ).

 

I know it's really sad knowing you didn't get the guy you like, but I don't think this one was worth getting. He sounds like an inconsiderate ass. You made the best decision for yourself.

Edited November 11, 2009 by crazy_grl

[kissez]

stepka - yes I think that's it, I wasn't what he was looking for. After our FIRST date, he told me that he loved my personality so much and that I was very beautiful, that he was supposed to be moving in a few months, but he might just stay here for me b/c he thought he would fall in love.

 

I mean now that I read that back to myself, lol, he was obviously full of it!!!!! But that's what he said, and then I guess the more he got to know me, he just became "over it". I am a good girl though. I am in college and am working at a law firm because that is what I want to do when I grow up. He doesn't even know anyone that slept with me because I haven't been with too many guys. And he is currently laid off, and didn't go past high school. - Not that I even care! I obviously wanted to date him anyways, but why would he not want to date me anymore u know?

 

I think he is kind of immature because I think he is ALL about the chase. And if so, he really should think before he speaks, telling me all kinds of things when he is so prone to change his mind. Now I know better.

[kissez]

Standing up for yourself is much more attractive than letting him use you.

 

True. I agree actually. I was really embarrassed, but then I thought about it, and I'm like I don't even care what he thinks about me anymore. He is a jerk and was using me, and he shouldn't of been calling me if he didn't like me! He got my hopes up.

 

I also believe that when things start getting bad, it really is best to leave the situation completely, so it doesn't get worse, and continue in the same pattern! I am hoping that he will miss me, and call me one day, and maybe we can have lunch as friends or something. But I guess it's probably best to not even be friends? Idk...

 

I am not contacting him at all though, I even deleted his # so I won't text him.

 

Thank you guys so so much for all of your help and support. I really appreciate it!!!! I didn't expect u to be understanding about it to be completely honest. I thought I would be called an idiot or something...

 

And yes crazy - I will definitely not be sleeping with him anymore lol! I like the point you made! I agree also, because I am usually hard to get because I rarely sleep with guys, and it has been to my advantage so far! But with him, I gave in b/c I liked him, and now look what happened. lol so never again!

[crazy_grl]

Glad you're feeling better about the situation, kissez!

 

If you start feeling bummed about it again, don't be afraid to post to vent about it. I know when relationships end (and booty call/FWB is another kind of relationship), people can go in cycles and feel good about it one minute and crappy another. (I also know even when you delete a number, sometimes with enough work, you can get it back. ) Venting here is a lot better than digging up his number and sending him any kind of message.

[kissez]

haha! so true!! lol I definitely have quick access to my phone records. And yes it is so much better venting here! That's a great point you made about the cycles. That's exactly what I'm going through...

 

I am so upset (with myself), as well with him because I honestly have never had such an experience. And if I did, I'd like to think I knew what it was ahead of time. I am so mad (and hurt) with him like is he really this heartless?? But then I think I am overreacting lol. But I honestly have absolutely no desire to contact him. And if I ever do hear from him again - I am not sure if I should be nice, tell him I'm done with his games, ignore him?

 

But I won't worry about it for now. I have other things going on, it's just hard at first. And it doesn't help he seems to still be in love with his ex girlfriend from 6 yrs. ago. She has a family of her own now. I wish it was me he was in love with lol, but dude get over it already.

[Ody]

This guy may genuinely like you but he is in it for the sex. There's no chance for a relationship. I also doubt he's really still hung up on this girl from six years ago. That might just be an excuse, or small part of it - it sounds like he just doesn't want a serious relationship.

 

 

I don't have casual sex though, I slept with him because I liked him.

 

I think you need to re-examine your own actions a bit too. You do have casual sex - this guy said "I don't want to commit" and then you had sex with him. Just because you like someone it doesn't mean that the sex isn't casual. I'm not saying you should go have more casual sex - but I think a lot of your unhappiness here is from beating yourself up about it and having to rationalize what you did because you're afraid of seeming promiscuous or whatever. You slept with someone you liked and were attracted to, nothing wrong with that, now try to do the healthy thing and move on rather than analyzing it when it's already pretty clear what you need to do. It's also not constructive to slam this guy this guy for dishonesty, when he was actually very up front and came right out and said he wasn't committing.

[kissez]

well HE didn't tell me he was still in love with her, but I sensed it...

 

I used to be best friends with her sister. And he was asking about her having kids now. But I haven't talked to them in years!! So I didn't know anything. But I guess when she broke up with him he was extremely depressed. Again he didn't tell me any of this - but other people did. It was sooo long ago though so maybe he is over it.

 

He didn't tell me he didn't want to commit and I kept sleeping with him. When he told me he didn't, is when I said "ok then we shouldn't talk at all, there is no point." That's when he said "damn whatever." - He used to want to commit to me, it was his idea! Everything has always been said by him.

 

I am beating myself up over it though b/c 1. I genuinely liked him, and got my hopes up over it 2. not so much afraid of seeming promiscuous, as he is the only guy I have slept with in over a year.

 

When he started calling again, I took it as him coming back to me. The chemistry is so intense, idk he can never keep his hands off of me. And I love it from him. I easily decline tons of men. But I am so attracted to him - even in the movie theater he keeps his hand on my leg; or if I'm driving he will hold my hand and keep kissing it.

 

He even said he was the one "leading me on" now. (After I suggested we go out again like we used to). And I even apologized at first for 'overreacting', because I said it was my fault for not paying attention to what was going on sooner. But then, I did freak him out with all the other messages I sent - my friend told me to do it, said I need to be more blunt with him etc. I thought it would be too much! So i modified it, but still sent it. And I was so embarrassed after!! But now I don't really care. I would have rather sent it and have the situation over, then be strung along.

 

And...I'm analyzing it here - which I agree with crazy grl it is better to do than keep calling him and analyzing it with him. I haven't contacted him at all, so I don't see the problem there.

[kissez]

This guy may genuinely like you but he is in it for the sex. There's no chance for a relationship. it sounds like he just doesn't want a serious relationship.

 

I agree. I don't think he wants to be tied down. He just wants to do him right now. Maybe he doesn't want to get hurt again I have no idea, but it sucks.

 

I am leaving it alone though! I would rather do that, and even hear from him in 2 months, than continue this. But I know of a girl who started out just sleeping with a guy though, and now they are in love! They've even been together for like 6 months now.

 

So I wonder how that happens?

Edited November 12, 2009 by kissez

[Ody]

At the end of the summer, he tells me he isn't prepared to commit anymore

...

A month later, he's calling me and wants to see me again. First time I declined, but finally, I told him he could come over (he lives an hour away). He came over and it resulted in hot passionate sex

 

He didn't tell me he didn't want to commit and I kept sleeping with him.

 

These two don't add up. You need to be more honest with yourself. You are projecting a lot onto this guy, how he feels about this ex, how he feels about you, etc. He is telling you everything you need to do, both implicitly and explicitly, and you are overanalyzing things to try to make it more agreeable to you.

 

Good luck, and I urge you to really move on, which probably means breaking off contact since I don't think you can associate with this guy and not fall for him based on the posts here.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Ody