thatguy90 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Long story short, I was dating this girl for just over a year, we had planned our future together, where we wanted to live, what we would do when we both went to different schools and everything. People even joked about when we were going to go get married and everything, we both got a laugh and even we talked about that(Also kids). A month ago we broke up, I honestly don't know the reason behind the break up(She did say that she doesnt want a boy friend for right now, and that she wants to go out and party and different stuff). I still love her, my chest has not stop hurting since she has left. Before we broke up we were fighting, and I had a hard time letting go of the past, I realize most of my mistakes right now. I smuthered her with texts/emails/calls, just before we broke up which i think help lead to our brake up. I realize that I shouldnt have done that, live and learn i guess that's all i can say about that. She did brake up with me, but I want her back. She wants to be friends, but I find it hard because I still care about her that way. Right now I have no clue what to do, I want to try and win her back, but the other part of me wants to give her time and space so she can do what ever she wants. Help!?
lucy9216 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Give it about a month don't talk to her at all, just agree with the break up for now.... work on yourself for a month, do anything that you have wanted to do wether it be working out, hiking, whatever makes you happy just do that. In a month you may realize you are better off without her, if not then ask her out on a mini date no longer than 45 minutes and see if you two hit it off again....
thatguy85 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Nice name lol... Anyway - This happened to a really good friend of mine. Exact same story, except they dated a little longer and were likely a couple years older. I don't really know how to better put this but... It sounds like she wants to hook up with other guys. It's a good thing you realize she felt smothered at the end, because you have to stop all that right now if you ever want a chance of being with her again. Don't be friends with her. That's her way of the proverbial "having her cake and eating it too". She wants your companionship, but not the commitment. I think you should say, "Hey listen... I can't be friends with you because I will always want more and it will hurt me too bad". It will hurt but let her go. In the meantime, have fun yourself. Chances are she will come back to you at some point, and then you will have to choose whether she is someone you want to get back with or not. No lie... same thing happened to a really good friend, she came back after realizing what she lost.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Hi guys thank you for the advice, I find it hard not to talk to her, I signed on msn, orignally not to talk to her ... but i saw her name as "Please forgive me" ... i talked to her ... didnt ask about the name, but i listened to that song, which has that. I honestly want to tell her how i feel. I can only go about 3-4 days without talking to her ... i just miss her so much ... like i want her to know that i have feelings for her ... and i do forgive her for what she has done... i would get back with her as long as she promises that it would never happen again ... yes she did brake up with me but i never let it go that she did something wrong ... restarting the day without talking her clock back to zero.
lucy9216 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Have you been talking to her since the break up? if so how does the conversation go? do you try to be friends with her? or beg her to come back?
Author thatguy90 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Yes we have talked, 3 days after our break up she started to talk to me, and we played a game, made jokes and laughed and had a good time. All our other convo's have been simular to that. Except for one time where i got frustrated because of the fact that i wasn't able to tell her that I am sorry for my actions.
crazy_grl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Except for one time where i got frustrated because of the fact that i wasn't able to tell her that I am sorry for my actions. What actions do you have to be sorry for? I didn't see anything you mentioned here that's something to be sorry for. Are you talking about the texts/msgs you sent her?
lucy9216 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Honestly the best thing to do is just not talk to her at all, I know it will be very difficult because I have been going through the same thing. I knew I should leave my ex alone but I couldn't and it just pushed him further away. You have to be firm about this and cut off all contact, be civil towards her though and don't let her know you are upset.
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 You gotta go no contact on her. It's going to suck, and it will be hard, but you'll never move on if you keep on talking to her. Maybe some day she'll want you back maybe not - are maybe's worth sitting around and banking on?
boogieboy Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 SHe is talking to you because she misses your company and it helps her get over you. So if you continue to talk to her, she will noever see you romantically again,because she didnt have to miss you. YOu find it hard not to talk to her, but you have to understand that if she doesnt miss you, she will talk to you until she doesnt want to anymore. So cut her off, dont tell her why, let her wonder. Dont EVER forgive her, dont let her know its ok for her to dump you. Forgiving her will not endear her to you. DOnt tell her how you feel, she doesnt care, because she wants to see other guys. Trust me, Ive been where you are. You need to appear indifferent, and you need to let her know you arent going to be used as a friend when you want more. So just dissappear, ignore calls, texts, for at least a month. Do not respond to her until she makes a REAL effort to want you back, and dont make it easy for her. It might not happen, but this will help you move on.
Javelin Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 As hard as it may be - just let her go and remove her from your life. and you must cease all contact with her.
Jerry18 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Stop being so emotional. Things happen. Have sex with some other girls and you'll forget about her. This is why us men should cheat when given the opportunity. Even when everything goes right, you'll still might end up getting dumped.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Just to say thank you to people who have given me the advice, I want to tell you guys that I am not going to talk to her, I will only answer my cell phone call (not texts). Since for me calling a person shows more effort than texting or emailing, even then i will keep it short. It will be one month, that is what i have decided on, i might go longer depending how things go. Again Thank you guys for the advice and help. I will probally update when something else happens.
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Just to say thank you to people who have given me the advice, I want to tell you guys that I am not going to talk to her, I will only answer my cell phone call (not texts). Since for me calling a person shows more effort than texting or emailing, even then i will keep it short. It will be one month, that is what i have decided on, i might go longer depending how things go. Again Thank you guys for the advice and help. I will probally update when something else happens. So you're going to answer her phone calls?
lucy9216 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 If you are going to answer her calls keep it short! say something like " hey I am really busy right now but would like to catch up with you later" Later will be a month or so from now
Author thatguy90 Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 She does not call me, and even if she does i would never go on about anything, i would want to know why she called me, and if it was just to chat then i would keep it short.
dreamergrl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Or you could just maintain no contact so you can move on...
crazy_grl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Yeah, there's no reason to answer her calls. NC is the only way to go with breakups like this.
dreamergrl Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I will not contact her. But you'll answer her calls Which breaks the no contact.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 She has not tried to call me, and I will not contact her in anyway or form.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 For these past few days, I have not talked to her, and she has tried once to contact me, i asked how she was, but i quickly left after that. She did ask me if I am trying to avoid her, i told her no I am not, I am just very busy, which actually is the truth, I have been keeping myself as busy as possible, my days are long and I actually sleep now. But I do feel bad since she did want to be friends, and she has told me that she does still care for me. I still do care for her.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I just don't want to come across as an ass for saying one thing and then turning on my word(Please read the last two posts). This is the one thing that caused our relationship to falter, since i would say one thing, which would hide my true emotion from her, then latter say 2-4 days latter, she would find out about this(Please note I was going through many emotions since I was having back to back to back to back bad weeks...i had a lot of issues with the family). And I think a few weeks before we broke up, I came across that I wanted out of the relationship, because i became so frustrated that her best friend (which is also her ex-boyfriend) had been spending equal or more time with her than me, and was getting priority over me(well that's how it felt). It was my fault that i let him back into her life, she asked and I said sure, I don't care be friends with who ever, but it was my fault. Then I started saying, that she shouldn't be hanging around him so much, then she thought that i was saying that she couldn't have any friends, or that's what her ex-boyfriend was saying to her(I'm not sure I talked to him and he started ranting about that i was not letting her have friends). Which was not true, I was happy that she was making friends, I didn't care who her friends were, just that she kept it at a friend level and that they didn't go out of there way to buy stuff for her (which her ex did). I want her to know that, I am sorry for everything that I caused to her, to make her want out of the relationship and to feel smothered by my actions. I honestly didn't mind her going clubbing (because she was going with a few of her friends, but usually she would go clubbing with me). I am willing to work on the relationship, but only if she is willing to, I know you guys say that I should move on, and that the relationship was doomed, but it was my fault that the guy came back into her life, and that I didn't tell her my true feelings and kept my story straight. She lost trust in my words and felt that I wanted out of the relationship. I said a lot of stuff I did not mean to say to her, and that I would do anything to get those words out of her head and for her to remember why she was in love with me. I want her back, because she was fun, she had similar goals in life and that i honestly felt special when i was with her. She was everything that I have ever wanted in a girl, and more (this is not me being desperate to get her back, this is how i have felt for about a year or so). I don't know what I can do, I don't know what I should do ... I just ... I don't know ... I will not talk to her for the month... i have agreed to that ... but that is how far i have gone ... and from there i am not sure where to go... what to say ... what to do.
Lucky_One Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 No, it isn't your fault that she is hanging out with her XBF. It's no one's "fault" - but it IS her choice. You are right that a person in front of you typically has a better chance of romantic success than a person who is far away. Anytime someone hangs out one-on-one with an XBF/GF, then the chance is always there for intimacy. It is very hard to be lovers, and then to keep firm boundaries without letting old learned behaviors into the relationships (hugging, putting your feet in his lap whie sitting on the couch, casual touches, etc); things that aren't ok between friends but were so customary while dating that you forget you aren't supposed to be doing that anymore. You need to let this one go, sweetheart. This is a time in your lives when you need some freedoms to meet new people. Let her have space and time, and perhaps one day, you will find yourselves back together.
Author thatguy90 Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 The only thing i need to add ... is that this ex-boyfriend ... really only dated her for a few weeks ... he had become obsessed about her ... and got her at her weakest ... i want her to have a good life, and i want the best for her, this guy will do anything for himself, for him to be happy and to manipulate anybody around him to get his goals. He will say stuff and stick to the story no matter how much he has to lie about it. I want her to stay away from this guy, because I am worried about her. Yes I still do love her, but I have put this aside, I want her to be happy...and if i love her... i have to let her go. I just ... I don't know, here is where i cant find reason, before we broke up ... she said she hasn't seen me in a while (meaning the real me, the person who she had a ton and a half of fun with) i was going through family issues, and she was like this will take time for those to heal and for you to get back to your normal self again. I just think that ... i became obsessed with something which wasn't really happening (as she said that she loved me not him)...i kept living in the past and wasn't myself ... and that i scared her away from me...smothered her and forced her away from me...and to fall out of love with me...that she felt that i did not trust her...i don't know. I am sorry, I am a man of reason, and understanding, and just random actions without reasoning ... just makes me need to find the truth.
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